sandylee1 Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 You're deceiving your wife and the mother of your child. I have to say I'd be very very hurt if my H cheated with a woman, but if I found out he was gay and sleeping with men, while I knew nothing about his sexuality, I would hate him with every bone in my body, for not being honest and giving me the choice. Get divorced or tell her the truth. Anything else is just selfish. You are denying her the facts about your true self and she could find genuine happiness with a heterosexual. You are absolutely entiltled to have whatever sexual orientation you desire, but you should be honest about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpokenFor Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Wow this got heated fast! I picked up the thread because I wanted to understand something before I responded: OP, when you say you have "bi tendencies" do you mean you are open to sex with men and women, or that you have a need for both kinds of sex to be satisfied in your life? If it is the first case, this becomes simpler in a way because you need to work on your boundaries and why you cannot set them the way you must to be in a healthy marriage (a non-open marriage, anyway). I am straight but notice attractive women of all ages, personalities, body types, etc and don't have problems with staying well within safe boundaries. You would need to extend that to maintaining a boundary with attractive men and women. If it is the second case, I honestly don't see how a traditional marriage works for you... if your need for sex with men and women on an ongoing basis is deep-seated, it seems like a sexual lobotomy to cut it out, but you cannot be a faithful partner to your wife. She would have to agree to some form of openness. If this is the situation, I agree with other posters here that she must have some clue. Whatever the case, you have to face it honestly with your wife. You want to wake up and feel good about yourself, and feel good about your marriage and family. You cannot get there without honesty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 First, let me say that I think pteromom is one of THE wisest people on LS. But I do not agree with the above. If the OP has desires for men....they won't go away, and it will continue to affect his marriage. If he cannot commit to fully being a 100% HUSBAND to his wife and only his wife.....then he needs to let her go. SHE deserves to be with a 100% heterosexual man who will be 100% heterosexual with her. That means he needs to come clean and let HER decide. And yes, I am projecting, but I firmly believe it. I know plenty of bi people in happy relationships. Bi is not the same as gay. Bi, and having desires for the other sex, is more equatable to being married but having desires to have sex with other people. If a guy has a desire to have sex with a lot of hot young women, and can't choose to set aside those desires, then he has no business getting married (unless he finds a woman who is up for open marriage.) Now if the guy is really just a gay man who is in the closet, then yes, I agree with you. He needs to get out of his marriage and be his true self. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 No thats not what Im saying, i say its because of people like you that he is scared of coming out Im afraid:confused: after he would do the "Right" thing and tell the truth i have a feeling you will also tell him how awful he is for Ever hiding or thats its terrible that he didnt do it earlier:o give the poor man a chance and forgive him for doing "wrong" because he was/is scared or in denial, have you ever walked in his shoes? Its very easy to judge other people I think you are very sweet, but the OP didn't say "I think I am gay and don't know if I should stay in my marriage", which would have gotten a completely different response from me. He said he is bi, and wants to continue having an affair with his friend, while keeping the truth from his wife. That is a whole different barrel of apples. I believe he needs to do the right thing and either end the affair or end his marriage. Dragging two people along for the ride because he wants it all just isn't fair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 offcourse if you knew the harshness would bring so many closeted people, you wouldnt shot yourself in the foot that way Here's the difference - you see him as a poor soul nobly struggling with his sexuality. I see him as just another guy with a child at home cheating on his spouse. That many WS have reasons they see as compelling for doing so doesn't change the basic injustice here. This is less about sexual preference and more about honoring the commitments we've made. If the OP wants to be with men, there's a pretty clear path he can follow. And it doesn't involve keeping his wife closeted at home... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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