best friend being forced to choose

[hakunari]

Hay guys. Need some help with this situation I'm facing.

 

I'm a guy whose best friend is female. We have kind of a long and complicated history together - we were never together, even though we've slept together twice, and then we discovered our mutual love for each other but agreed not to date for various reasons. We've had highs and lows but we've worked hard to maintain the friendship because we couldn't imagine not having the other person in each other's lives. We live in different cities but talk to each other every day over text.

 

Recently my best friend started dating someone, someone whom she thinks would have a future together. I'm happy for her and am rooting for their success, even though I'm a bit wary of him (he's not perfect and I find a few things questionable). Still, I've helped her as much as I could from a "guy best friend" perspective, calming her when things go wrong and reminding her to cut him slack, etc. He's a divorcee who is madly in love with my best friend, but because his ex cheated on him, he is very insecure and jealous.

 

So now here's the rub - two days ago he gave my best friend an ultimatum: she and I must not be friends anymore in order for the relationship to continue. She is heartbroken over the fact that she's facing such a choice, but I know that she is not strong enough to ditch me. And if we stay friends it will eventually drive a wedge between her and the boyfriend. She has hinted towards me that even though it would be difficult, she would choose him over me, and so it's now apparently up to me to leave her.

 

I'm a bit stunned and very confused and not entirely sure as to what to do next. Please help!

[PaperCrane]

Follow her lead and walk away. Drop the plate, so to speak.

 

She's willing to ditch a long term friendship for a controlling guy whom you've even tried to help give benefit of the doubt to.

 

Just walk away man, there's nothing left here to save.

[hakunari]

Follow her lead and walk away. Drop the plate, so to speak.

 

She's willing to ditch a long term friendship for a controlling guy whom you've even tried to help give benefit of the doubt to.

 

Just walk away man, there's nothing left here to save.

 

Thank you. I've been thinking about it all morning. I'm mostly appalled because she told him from day one that we are best friends and he said he could handle it. Turns out he snooped around on her phone and read our texts (no alarming content, but he obviously didn't like what he read). I thought she would berate him for violating her trust and privacy, but the fact that she capitulated to his paranoia speaks volumes about the nature of their relationship.

 

I've pretty much decided to just cut off contact and hope things work out for everyone involved.

[PaperCrane]

Yeah, that's the safest route. The guy is insecure. Snooping a phone and not even getting upset over it is one thing. Going with it and agreeing with what he wants is another.

 

This is unhealthy. However, you can only make choices for your life. Right now, as you said, cutting contact for the time is the best solution.

 

I would say be there in case of an actual emergency though. That kind of stuff takes precedence over silly relationship hooplah any day.

[d0nnivain]

I'm all for maintaining friendships that pre-date the relationships. However when it's more then friendship & there is sex involved it's tougher for the new romantic partner to deal with the former lover who is still in the picture. Look at it from the guy's perspective -- he knows that you have had sex with his GF & that is the visual he gets when he sees you.

 

Have you met the guy? Can you tell him there is no change you want your friend romantically & he has nothing to worry about? Would he even listen to you?

 

She probably needs to spend less time with you in deference to him but I'd be loathe to give up an old friend forever for an SO

[pteromom]

Tell her you will not contact her, and will be there for her if and when she wants to contact you.

 

What other choice do you have?

 

It sucks for you and for her though. The only one who wins is the new bf.

[hakunari]

Yeah, that's the safest route. The guy is insecure. Snooping a phone and not even getting upset over it is one thing. Going with it and agreeing with what he wants is another.

 

This is unhealthy. However, you can only make choices for your life. Right now, as you said, cutting contact for the time is the best solution.

 

I would say be there in case of an actual emergency though. That kind of stuff takes precedence over silly relationship hooplah any day.

 

Yeah, I told her that she has my email address and that she can keep me updated or reach me if there's trouble, but otherwise contact will be minimal. I don't want to be the reason they break up but I've already discussed some of the red flags with her. Whatever she does now is up to her.

[hakunari]

I'm all for maintaining friendships that pre-date the relationships. However when it's more then friendship & there is sex involved it's tougher for the new romantic partner to deal with the former lover who is still in the picture. Look at it from the guy's perspective -- he knows that you have had sex with his GF & that is the visual he gets when he sees you.

 

Have you met the guy? Can you tell him there is no change you want your friend romantically & he has nothing to worry about? Would he even listen to you?

 

She probably needs to spend less time with you in deference to him but I'd be loathe to give up an old friend forever for an SO

 

Well the kicker is, I haven't met him. As I mentioned, we live in different cities and I've only seen her about maybe 5-6 times in person in all the years I've known her.

 

He never wanted to meet me because he was convinced that I would come between them, even though I'm sure she has explained to him already that despite our past we would never end up together (there's a pretty big deal breaker between us). And knowing some of the stuff about him that makes me wary, I don't particularly want to meet him either.

 

My friend and I had already discussed this when she first starting dating him - out of consideration, we would never hang out alone and we would reduce the amount of texts we send to each other. Everything seemed fine until two days ago when he just demanded that me and her stop contact.

[d0nnivain]

You sound like a good friend.

[hakunari]

Tell her you will not contact her, and will be there for her if and when she wants to contact you.

 

What other choice do you have?

 

It sucks for you and for her though. The only one who wins is the new bf.

 

Honestly, if she ends up happy I don't mind too much. She's gone through some terrible stuff in her life and I want her to have a happy ending as much as anyone.

 

It's a little jarring, because she and I have gone through a lot together over the years. I've saved her life no less than twice, loaned her money when she needed it, and gave her all the emotional support I could afford through long distance. Honestly, I was happy at first that she had gotten strong enough to not rely on me anymore, but I'm worried that her boyfriend is making her weak again by playing on her fear of rejection.

[hakunari]

You sound like a good friend.

 

Thanks. Just looking out for her out of habit.

[writergal]

Reminds me of that Friends storyline where Ross' fiance Emily forced him to choose between her and Rachel and then at his wedding to Emily, he said Rachel's name instead of Emily's. And then that marriage folded, and Ross and Rachel wound up together.

 

OP -- are you sure you don't have genuine feelings of romantic love for your best friend "Rachel" let's call her? Maybe the brief FWB experience you two had together meant more to you than it did to her?

 

Since you two are merely friends, all you can really do is show your support and let her go and live her own life...unless you have feelings for her and want to date her. Which, if that's the case, better to tell her now before it's too late.

[hakunari]

Reminds me of that Friends storyline where Ross' fiance Emily forced him to choose between her and Rachel and then at his wedding to Emily, he said Rachel's name instead of Emily's. And then that marriage folded, and Ross and Rachel wound up together.

 

OP -- are you sure you don't have genuine feelings of romantic love for your best friend "Rachel" let's call her? Maybe the brief FWB experience you two had together meant more to you than it did to her?

 

Since you two are merely friends, all you can really do is show your support and let her go and live her own life...unless you have feelings for her and want to date her. Which, if that's the case, better to tell her now before it's too late.

 

Well, to briefly sum up our past, we were on the fence about getting together. Truth is, we get along very well, have similar backgrounds, lots of similar hobbies, the same sense of humor, and even fantastic sexual chemistry. We would probably be married already if not for one thing - she has a kid from a previous marriage whom she is seeking a new stepdad for, and I do not like kids and would rather remain childfree. She is looking for a partner that is as kid-crazy as she is, and I'm just not that person. We had discussed it before and agreed not to date because I don't want to promise her anything while the kid remained a massive x factor, and she didn't want to make up unhappy and have a kid drive a wedge between us, because she would obviously take her kid's side any day.

 

We agreed not to date earlier this year and while we'll always love each other, we're not in love with each other anymore. Occasionally she lets slip how fond she is of me and I'll remind her that she's lovely, but neither of us are the type to hold onto the past.

[d0nnivain]

Since it was so recent that you decided not to date I can see where he's nervous but if you don't even live in the same city he needs to get some confidence.

 

She also needs to grow a spine. If I were her I'd tell him you are no threat to him but that I wouldn't stop talking to you. Then I'd let him meet you next time you are in town I would not go out of my way to arrange such a meeting.

 

Honestly though if you are already doing the distance thing, what really is going to change?

[hakunari]

Since it was so recent that you decided not to date I can see where he's nervous but if you don't even live in the same city he needs to get some confidence.

 

She also needs to grow a spine. If I were her I'd tell him you are no threat to him but that I wouldn't stop talking to you. Then I'd let him meet you next time you are in town I would not go out of my way to arrange such a meeting.

 

Honestly though if you are already doing the distance thing, what really is going to change?

 

He wants us to cut contact, period. As I said, he's already snooped through her phone once and I'm certain he'll do it again, and if he finds out that we've continued to text that he's going to flip and they'll fight. As understanding as I am, I am not interested in being her "secret" friend. We might as well be having an affair then.

 

My friend has no self-esteem. She is so insecure that she wants to hold onto him, so she will give into his demands. I've warned her that it's unhealthy and that she's repeating the same mistakes she's made in the past with her ex-husband, but there's only so much she'll process when the boyfriend is dangling marriage and loving her kid before her after the mess that is her love life.

[hakunari]

Oh and the best part: he's very good friends with his ex-wife who cheated on him multiple times. He's not giving up that friendship for my best friend.

[writergal]

Oh and the best part: he's very good friends with his ex-wife who cheated on him multiple times. He's not giving up that friendship for my best friend.

 

If your friend doesn't see that double standard, then she is naive. How can she not stand up for herself with him?

[hakunari]

If your friend doesn't see that double standard, then she is naive. How can she not stand up for herself with him?

 

Her self-worth is too low. She's far more giving and always feels guilty for taking. She has been taken advantage all her life. Even as the new boyfriend may be nice, I worry that he'll just end up walking all over her.

[writergal]

Her self-worth is too low. She's far more giving and always feels guilty for taking. She has been taken advantage all her life. Even as the new boyfriend may be nice, I worry that he'll just end up walking all over her.

 

Isn't he already (walking all over her)?

 

I think you should ask your friend if you can visit her and meet her boyfriend -- you have a good reason and you've said that you two haven't seen each other that often. So, why not? Perhaps a face to face conversation with him and with your friend separately will push everything in the right direction for all involved. Do you think your friend will be open to you suggesting a visit?

[hakunari]

Isn't he already (walking all over her)?

 

I think you should ask your friend if you can visit her and meet her boyfriend -- you have a good reason and you've said that you two haven't seen each other that often. So, why not? Perhaps a face to face conversation with him and with your friend separately will push everything in the right direction for all involved. Do you think your friend will be open to you suggesting a visit?

 

I doubt it. He's never wanted to meet me at all and doesn't want me and her to ever be alone at all. I was supposed to visit her last month actually and we had made plans. She had taken off work and everything, but her boyfriend shut her down.

 

If they end up (happily) married I would gladly give her up. Truth is, I don't think my friend is really capable of having a "normal" relationship due to her emotional issues. I just don't want another codependency forming, that's all.

[writergal]

I doubt it. He's never wanted to meet me at all and doesn't want me and her to ever be alone at all. I was supposed to visit her last month actually and we had made plans. She had taken off work and everything, but her boyfriend shut her down.

 

If they end up (happily) married I would gladly give her up. Truth is, I don't think my friend is really capable of having a "normal" relationship due to her emotional issues. I just don't want another codependency forming, that's all.

 

It sounds like she defers her social plans to his pending approval. Not a good sign -- not a good sign at all. Does he pre-approve her entire social calendar or just when it comes to you visiting her?

 

So, I think she already has a codependent relationship with him. But from you describe she has a codependent friendship with you too. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. Why do you think she struggles to do that?

[fireflywy]

Hay guys. Need some help with this situation I'm facing.

 

I'm a guy whose best friend is female. We have kind of a long and complicated history together - we were never together, even though we've slept together twice, and then we discovered our mutual love for each other but agreed not to date for various reasons. We've had highs and lows but we've worked hard to maintain the friendship because we couldn't imagine not having the other person in each other's lives. We live in different cities but talk to each other every day over text.

 

Recently my best friend started dating someone, someone whom she thinks would have a future together. I'm happy for her and am rooting for their success, even though I'm a bit wary of him (he's not perfect and I find a few things questionable). Still, I've helped her as much as I could from a "guy best friend" perspective, calming her when things go wrong and reminding her to cut him slack, etc. He's a divorcee who is madly in love with my best friend, but because his ex cheated on him, he is very insecure and jealous.

 

So now here's the rub - two days ago he gave my best friend an ultimatum: she and I must not be friends anymore in order for the relationship to continue. She is heartbroken over the fact that she's facing such a choice, but I know that she is not strong enough to ditch me. And if we stay friends it will eventually drive a wedge between her and the boyfriend. She has hinted towards me that even though it would be difficult, she would choose him over me, and so it's now apparently up to me to leave her.

 

I'm a bit stunned and very confused and not entirely sure as to what to do next. Please help!

 

What was on those texts?

 

Honestly, I kind of agree with her current guy. If you two have a history together as more then just friends and if she is running to you to talk about the relationship and he KNOWS she's using you as her sounding board, I can see him seeing you as more ex then friend and wondering about the ties.

 

I dont think this makes him insecure at all.

 

I'm sure that most of the posters here calling him that might err on his same side if you suspected a similar situation. After all, the general rule is let exes go and leave them in the past. To the OP, honestly, ask yourself how you would feel if you were the guy she was with and HE was the friend.

 

I have respecf for the current bf for saying you can't tie two dogs to the same tree and to HER for respecting how her current bf feels and giving him access for questionable things. That's transparency and we emphasize that a lot here.

 

P.s. Are you sure he's best friends with his ex? Maybe your friend is telling you tall tales because she likes you as more then a friend and fancies having you fight for her? I find it curious that she had to even mention this to you at all if she plans on letting things fizzle between you two. Is this even true at all? I sense drama....

Edited August 13, 2015 by fireflywy

[hakunari]

What was on those texts?

 

Honestly, I kind of agree with her current guy. If you two have a history together as more then just friends and if she is running to you to talk about the relationship and he KNOWS she's using you as her sounding board, I can see him seeing you as more ex then friend and wondering about the ties.

 

I dont think this makes him insecure at all.

 

I'm sure that most of the posters here calling him that might err on his same side if you suspected a similar situation. After all, the general rule is let exes go and leave them in the past. To the OP, honestly, ask yourself how you would feel if you were the guy she was with and HE was the friend.

 

I have respecf for the current bf for saying you can't tie two dogs to the same tree and to HER for respecting how her current bf feels and giving him access for questionable things. That's transparency and we emphasize that a lot here.

 

P.s. Are you sure he's best friends with his ex? Maybe your friend is telling you tall tales because she likes you as more then a friend and fancies having you fight for her? I find it curious that she had to even mention this to you at all if she plans on letting things fizzle between you two. Is this even true at all? I sense drama....

 

All we talked about were typical stuff - Doctor Who, restaurants, curtains, just stuff. Nothing flirtatious, nothing about the relationship, and nothing inappropriate.

 

The thing is, if he's brought this issue up before they became a couple, I could totally understand. It's why my friend and I stopped texting as much. My guess is because he's unemployed, so he doesn't wake up until noon, and my friend and I both work early in the morning so we chat while we're bored. And he flipped out because we had such a good conversation for so long. But the fact that he suddenly drops this as they're a couple makes me wonder.

 

As for the ex best friend, it's something they've talked about since day one. My friend still talks to her ex because of the kid, and she's wondering why he was so close with hisnex despite them not having children and she cheated on him multiple times. His answer was something to the effect of he loves her parents sonthey stayed friends, and told her that he wouldn't tolerate any mistrust. They almost didn't have a second date until my friend gave him another chance.

[hakunari]

It sounds like she defers her social plans to his pending approval. Not a good sign -- not a good sign at all. Does he pre-approve her entire social calendar or just when it comes to you visiting her?

 

So, I think she already has a codependent relationship with him. But from you describe she has a codependent friendship with you too. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. Why do you think she struggles to do that?

 

It's probably either her BPD or bi-polar. She was never officially diagnosed but she's leaning towards BPD. She has very, very severe self esteem issues.