History of cheating in relationships

[yellowhibiscus]

A few months ago I ended a relationship with someone who I found out was flirting/ showing way too much attention to other women. There were many other things going wrong in the relationship that gave me reason to end things as well. He was becoming overall more distant, had frequent mood swings, and became generally uncaring about my son and I. This break up has caused me to really examine my past relationships as there seem to be common patterns.

 

My son's father cheated on me about 9 months into our relationship. I ended up staying with him but carried so much resentment that ultimately I felt could never trust him. We ended up getting married and having a child, but were divorced only 2 years after being married.

 

I ended up dating another man who I became very close to but also ended up cheating on me with someone he was working with. He is now married to her.

 

After him, I spent over a year being single and working on myself. I met my most recent ex and everything seemed absolutely amazing in the beginning (as they all do). For the first time in a long time, I opened myself up completely and allowed myself to trust this person. He, on the other hand, had some trust issues and was somewhat jealous and possessive. I tried to work through it and did my best to show him that I would never hurt or be untrustworthy. After 2 years, I noticed him becoming more distant and he would often break up with me and then change his mind. In February I saw comments that he made to a "friend" on social media telling her how beautiful and hot she was, asking if she needed a roommate, and other really inappropriate things. I told him how it made me feel and he didn't care, so I ended things. I'm 32 years old and given past experiences I have no tolerance for this. I know I did the right thing because he doesn't even feel sorry for it at all. The funny thing is that he was always the really jealous one in the relationship and was often accusing me of cheating. I found out that only a few days after he left, he was sending flowers to this "friend" and drove 2 hours to go see her.

 

I want to date again and have a relationship. I know that I am a good person and that I have a lot of offer. I have a masters degree, a great career, have friends and close family. I want to go into a relationship with a clean slate and be able to trust them but it makes it so hard when I feel completely f*cked over by every single man I've ever been close to. This also makes me wonder if I have anything to do with my bad relationships...do I just attract cheaters? Am I ignoring red flags? What do I need to look out for in the future? I know there are good men out there!!

[deadelvis]

I feel you. I'm about the same age as you and every serious relationship I've ever had has ended with me either being cheated on or left for another person.

Now as a result I seem to have trust issues which have been creating problems in my current relationship. Why the constant theme of cheaters? Is it me? Do I pursue women who are the "cheating type" without knowing it? I've never cheated on anyone... I think maybe it's just bad luck? If you think about it most relationships seem to end in infidelity, but maybe because I'm loyal and a "keep hanging on" instead of a "just walk away" type of person I stayed in relationship way past the expiration date, and cheating was just the easiest way to end a relationship which was already dissolving.

[Floveet]

I don't think that all relationship end on an infidelity note.

 

All the relationships i had, i ended them because i didn't feel we got along. Most of the time, the girl was blind and tought everything was perfect without seeing that i was unhappy.

 

Anyway. The only time i got dumped SHE was not getting along anymore with me.

 

That's life.

 

There's cheaters, people not like you, people like you but who don't want the same.

 

You cannot just find the perfect one in a second.

But what you can do is start something with :

 

1. Know him better than what you think.

Most of the time, when you encounter someone, everything is in the surface. You DON'T Understand him ! I can assure you as much as he don't understand you.

There's a huge work to do.

Mostly at your age, life brang a lot of ****, failed relationship, probably long ones, kids and more.

 

My mom once told me :

"Are you sure you are looking for an easy and simple relationship where trust is the main word OR are you doing like your work, trying to find something always challenging ?"

 

Did you ever think that those guys, when you meet them are already fcked up in their mind, way to live and you, as a girl with all the happiness you have, and positive you are, you try your best to change them, change their path to help them ?

 

2. Trust from the beginning :

What do you want from him for that relationship,

What does he want from you ?

Is there an ex around ?

Does he like to play ? Like attention ? What is his deepest secret ?

 

A relationship for me is a psychologic story. More you understand, analyse (While enjoying of course) more you will be willing to communicate.

 

It's not a movie, where one of you just say : "Oh i don't want to talk ... My life was so hard ... i did some ****, i cannot say more"

 

Just express yourself, don't be afraid.

 

 

To conclude. I suppose it was bad luck, lack of communication, your self esteem to work on.

[yellowhibiscus]

I don't think that all relationship end on an infidelity note.

 

All the relationships i had, i ended them because i didn't feel we got along. Most of the time, the girl was blind and tought everything was perfect without seeing that i was unhappy.

 

Anyway. The only time i got dumped SHE was not getting along anymore with me.

 

That's life.

 

There's cheaters, people not like you, people like you but who don't want the same.

 

You cannot just find the perfect one in a second.

But what you can do is start something with :

 

1. Know him better than what you think.

Most of the time, when you encounter someone, everything is in the surface. You DON'T Understand him ! I can assure you as much as he don't understand you.

There's a huge work to do.

Mostly at your age, life brang a lot of ****, failed relationship, probably long ones, kids and more.

 

My mom once told me :

"Are you sure you are looking for an easy and simple relationship where trust is the main word OR are you doing like your work, trying to find something always challenging ?"

 

Did you ever think that those guys, when you meet them are already fcked up in their mind, way to live and you, as a girl with all the happiness you have, and positive you are, you try your best to change them, change their path to help them ?

 

2. Trust from the beginning :

What do you want from him for that relationship,

What does he want from you ?

Is there an ex around ?

Does he like to play ? Like attention ? What is his deepest secret ?

 

A relationship for me is a psychologic story. More you understand, analyse (While enjoying of course) more you will be willing to communicate.

 

It's not a movie, where one of you just say : "Oh i don't want to talk ... My life was so hard ... i did some ****, i cannot say more"

 

Just express yourself, don't be afraid.

 

 

To conclude. I suppose it was bad luck, lack of communication, your self esteem to work on.

 

Thank you for your reply. I am hoping it was bad luck. I think I stayed too long in bad relationships because I know that people are human and we all make mistakes...but now realize how much it has affected me. I think that's why I broke it off with my most recent ex right away when I saw that he was talking to that girl because I have absolutely no tolerance for it anymore. I would so much rather be told, "Hey, I'm just not feeling this anymore" than to go behind my back and do that. Just really hoping there are honest people out there.