Can I trust her? Am I insecure? Am I wrong to feel this way?

[ahall1701]

Hi all it's been a while.

 

Last month my ex gf of 1.5 years came into my job at the ER and she poured her heart out to me. Said she made the biggest mistake of her life when she left me. She left because she said she was scared because she didn't know what she was going to do with her life, that she wanted someone who had god in their life. 2 months later after a massive heartbreak she's back.

 

She said she ****ed up. Behaved poorly and wanted to do anything and everything to get me back. It's been nearly a month since then and we've gotten back together. I told her no more B.S. and that I wanted to go slow. Okay, so I do love this girl. Our relationship was not the best near the end. But my big problem is that I don't trust her. I want to. But after two months of severe depression, that I am treating, I'm having a hard time.

 

We go sing karaoke with a group of friends. Last week we went to karaoke and I left before she did. I was messing with some stuff on Ebay before I left the parking lot. After a few minutes everyone else left and I saw my gf on her friends back getting a piggy back ride. He's a dude. They were giggling and the she got down and he went to his car and she to hers and they left.

 

I can't explain it, but I had such anger flair up when I saw this. Now my heart races and I don't know why I feel this way. I'm not a jealous person but for some reason this really rubbed me the wrong way. Am I over reacting? She says he's just a friend and that it wouldn't bother her I I did that with her best friend Amy.

 

I guess due to being broken up and getting back together has made my trust shake. Anyway. What do you guys and gals think??

[Realitycol]

Yes, you are insecure, big time.

 

If you can't trust someone then you don't belong with them.

 

She ****ed up, came back, begged, and TALKED of all this sorry business. You should've taken it slow, REAL slow. What I mean is, she dumped you so she better WORK her ass off in getting you back, not the other way around. Dude, you don't have to even give me a penny, I can get on my knees and give you the best I'm sorry and I'll change speech in your LIFE, doesn't mean I can back up the talk with ACTIONS.

 

As for you, you flaring up over nothing is a problem. You need to let women CHOOSE. You need to give her room and distance to CHOOSE you or other men. If she cheat, so be it, but let her choose instead of bottle-neck-choking-with your insecurity and controlling behaviors, which will ultimately lead to her 1. ditching you or 2. cheating on you ANYWAY. Let women CHOOSE, so important.

 

Just be collective and cool. That you're centered and know when she's with you she's going to have the best time of her life and you don't care who she's with or who she's hanging with when you are busy making a difference in the world whether it be job or doing your own thing like gym etc. At then end of the day she's coming home to you and that's all that matters.

 

Bottom line is, you can't stop someone from cheating on you. You can't CONTROL someone's life or their decisions. If they were born to cheat on you, they will. That's not on you, it's on them.

 

You need to be able to take your woman's word and trust it 100% or you're just going to get all butt hurt over the smallest things and turn them into small arguments that blow up into big heartbreaks.

[ahall1701]

Thanks for the sound advise. It's just that she knows she has a tendency to flirt with other men and that she needs to work on it. Her best friend even called her out on her behavior in the past. I wish I didn't let it get to me. I'll just have to work in myself more.

[Realitycol]

OP I posted this to someone else the other day,

 

Imagine this scenario:

 

Your gf comes home 4 AM and she didn't pick up your calls for the last 8 hours, what will you do?

 

Are you one of those men that'll blow up on as soon as they enter the door after you waiting by the door like you had nothing better to do and call her a cheater or worse words out there for that and let all your fears and emotions do all the talking, why didn't you pick up my calls or texts for the LAST 8 hours and 14 minutes being all neurotic

 

OR

 

One of those men who is cool and collected and communicates to find out she was in the ER because her mother had a stroke while they were out for dinner.

 

 

 

Ask yourself honestly what type you are and if it's the first one then you need to work on that.

 

Women love attention. They crave attention and being the center of it. Date hot and wealth women and you'll experience this like no tomorrow, doesn't matter. I actually enjoyed women/men and my friends saying how wonderful and beautiful one of my ex was. She was a gorgeous and guess what she rigged me like crazy and was insecure about me being with other girls and sometimes wouldn't hang up the phone til I was home in her arms... Stop being insecure, you're a catch. If the girl you're dating isn't hitting your needs then there will be someone who will. People just fail to realize this because they are in a mindset of FEAR and IMPATIENT (can you blame them? In today's fast-paced society who has time to wait?) At then end of the day, who's her daddy? Who is she coming home to after a long day of working and walking on her high heals as a model or whatever she does. What is there to worry about? If she's loyal then you got a great gal, don't ruin it. If she's not, she's doing you a service.

Edited August 12, 2015 by Realitycol

[Chi townD]

You need to go into couples counseling. We told you on your last thread that she can tell you that she's changed until the cows come home. But, ACTIONS speak louder than words. As fragile as your relationship is, did she think that it was wise to touch another man in any way shape or form? Even if it was an innocent piggyback ride? There's no trust there and it still doesn't make it innocent even if she thought you weren't there!

[ahall1701]

I never felt that way before the break up. I just want to feel that way again where she would go out till 3 or 5 a.m. and it never bothered me. I feel bad for getting these anxiety fill thoughts. I've never had a problem with her. So why do I feel this way??

[Realitycol]

I never felt that way before the break up. I just want to feel that way again where she would go out till 3 or 5 a.m. and it never bothered me. I feel bad for getting these anxiety fill thoughts. I've never had a problem with her. So why do I feel this way??

 

You are insecure and fearful. Your feelings are too deeply rooted in them. What you fear comes to life. Be CONFIDENT.

 

Don't worry about that stuff. Why waste the PRECIOUS life you live by spending seconds on that kind of matter? You realize you got ONE life on this earth right?

 

You be the best you. You can be perfect. You can have the perfect biceps and perfect tan and perfect hair style and perfect cheek bone and perfect smile and perfect set of teeth and perfect personality and manners and she can still cheat and do whatever the hell she wants, because that's HER issue.

 

You just be an awesome MAN to her and not some scared-beta male. She wants a MAN not a gay-male girlfriend or a woman. Be a solid rock and don't live in fear and spill your insecurity all over her. Because if you do there's nothing stopping her from losing interest/respect/love she has for you.

 

I honestly think you go back with her too quick.

 

I would be dating other women after she dumped me and after I healed. I'd have OPTIONS and not put her on a pedestal, esp to a woman that dumped my beautiful ass. She better work HARD to get my time and to earn my trust. Once she's done shown me she's changed and wants to commit THEN I'd give her all my trust.

Edited August 12, 2015 by Realitycol

[ahall1701]

You are insecure and fearful. Your feelings are too deeply rooted in them. What you fear comes to life. Be CONFIDENT.

 

Don't worry about that stuff. Why waste the PRECIOUS life you live by spending seconds on that kind of matter? You realize you got ONE life on this earth right?

 

You be the best you. You can be perfect. You can have the perfect biceps and perfect tan and perfect hair style and perfect cheek bone and perfect smile and perfect set of teeth and perfect personality and manners and she can still cheat and do whatever the hell she wants, because that's HER issue.

 

You just be an awesome MAN to her and not some scared-beta male. She wants a MAN not a gay-male girlfriend or a woman. Be a solid rock and don't live in fear and spill your insecurity all over her. Because if you do there's nothing stopping her from losing interest/respect/love she has for you.

 

I honestly think you go back with her too quick.

 

I would be dating other women after she dumped me and after I healed. I'd have OPTIONS and not put her on a pedestal, esp to a woman that dumped my beautiful ass. She better work HARD to get my time and to earn my trust. Once she's done shown me she's changed and wants to commit THEN I'd give her all my trust.

 

 

 

Thanks so much This helps tremendously

[LeslieKnope]

I wouldn't worry too much about the piggy back thing, but I would be concerned about your reaction to it. There seems to be unresolved trust issues that haven't been discussed and sorted yet.

 

You said she left because she was scared, didn't know where she was going in life and wanted someone with a connection to god. Has she actually told you what made her change her mind, apart from the 'I made a mistake' line? Has she had a life epiphany where she's no longer scared, happy with her life direction, and at peace with whatever your faith or lack thereof is?

 

As you probably know from a lot of posts on here, people who get back together often break apart again later because their past issues were still there. This doesn't mean you guys will break up again, but it's probably best that you're cautious and fully communicating with each other, one day at a time. Hopefully, you've taken the time to heal and she is working on her personal growth. Without trust though, you're going to have a real problem moving forward.

 

Wish you the best!

Edited August 12, 2015 by LeslieKnope

[writergal]

Thanks for the sound advise. It's just that she knows she has a tendency to flirt with other men and that she needs to work on it. Her best friend even called her out on her behavior in the past. I wish I didn't let it get to me. I'll just have to work in myself more.

 

So, her best friend called your ex-gf out on her flirtatious behavior too -- and she's ignored that advice? Wow, talk about self-absorbed. Clearly, your ex-gf doesn't care how her behavior affects the men she flirts with, or any man whom she's dating when she's out to flirt.

 

I don't blame you for letting her flirtatious behavior get to you. You don't have to work on yourself more. Why should you change yourself, when her behavior is the problem? Sheneeds to change -- not you.

 

If you want to give the relationship a second try then you need to set parameters with her about her flirting. Remember, she needs to change that behavior. It's not a reflection of you at all, but it's her problem. Insecure people are the the best flirts. Ever notice that secure, confident women don't need to be sexually overt with men? Only insecure women do, because they seek men's approval.

 

Let your ex-gf know that she needs to tone down her flirtatious behavior when she's out with you because it bothers you -- it makes you feel like she doesn't respect your feelings, especially since she's the one who needs to gain back your trust in her. She's not doing herself any favors if she blatantly flirts with men willy nilly.

[Realitycol]

Good luck, I lost A LOT of beautiful/kind hearted women because of what you are feeling. These women would've proposed to me and wanted to name the babies we were going to have. I'm telling you, if you blow up your emotions and accuse of things she's never done through your fearful/insecure/assumptions you're going to turn these women's heart into bleeding/tearing WRECK. She'll be so confused as to why you're so sweat one second and so cold and mean the other. Her girlfriends will come to her rescue and LABEL you as a psychopath or bipolar, but guys know what's going on.

 

You're not a psychopath. You're not bipolar. You're a guy that has to overcome this like every other male.

[lolablue17]

If she wants to break up, she will. She's done it before. It doesn't relate to her flirting with guys. These are two different issues.

 

You say yourself, that's who she is, she flirts... If you're not comfortable with it, than walk away. Don't try to change her.

 

I say all that assuming she didn't cheat on you before the break up. Did she leave you for another guy?

[Gus Grimly]

Why did you post this twice? Original post here.

 

She's what, 23 years old? She's immature what do you expect? When I was 30 I dated a 23-year-old and she made me a wreck with the amount of guys she'd "hang out" and get touchy feely with. Find someone who's a little more mature and not all skittish.

[Realitycol]

So, her best friend called your ex-gf out on her flirtatious behavior too -- and she's ignored that advice? Wow, talk about self-absorbed. Clearly, your ex-gf doesn't care how her behavior affects the men she flirts with, or any man whom she's dating when she's out to flirt.

 

I don't blame you for letting her flirtatious behavior get to you. You don't have to work on yourself more. Why should you change yourself, when her behavior is the problem? Sheneeds to change -- not you.

 

If you want to give the relationship a second try then you need to set parameters with her about her flirting. Remember, she needs to change that behavior. It's not a reflection of you at all, but it's her problem. Insecure people are the the best flirts. Ever notice that secure, confident women don't need to be sexually overt with men? Only insecure women do, because they seek men's approval.

 

Let your ex-gf know that she needs to tone down her flirtatious behavior when she's out with you because it bothers you -- it makes you feel like she doesn't respect your feelings, especially since she's the one who needs to gain back your trust in her. She's not doing herself any favors if she blatantly flirts with men willy nilly.

 

Okay, everybody's stance on flirting and what is borderline flirting or just having fun is DIFFERENT.

 

My exs all flirted with her friends, but as a friend level. It was all harmless. She never cheated, as a matter of fact I never had a exs that cheated. However, her just being playful with other guy friends is not that wrong. Some might think it is, but if she wanted to be with her guy-friend she would've. I remember getting jealous one my ex-gf talked and joked around and took sexual jokes "that's what she said" kind of jokes. She told me he was like a big brother to her. I found out he lives 3,000 miles away and a twig and knew they were just school friends. Nothing ever happened with any of her guy-friends in the past and nothing happened to this day. For most girls it's cut and dry. They don't date friends. They dated people that were new in their lives that played their cards right and not acted like a guy that'd get perma-friend zoned.

 

I remember my ex-gf who was a model spent 4 years rejecting a guy-friend til he finally got the hint. They'd flirt in text, but nothing sexual like that. He went NC on her multiple times thinking he'd escape the friend zone. She cared for him as a friend cause he's a nice guy. When she broke up with me, guess who came running? He did, and guess what? She made up a lie to tell him that she's dating someone new so she doesn't have to deal with his crap.

Edited August 12, 2015 by Realitycol

[Downtown]

I never felt that way before the break up. I just want to feel that way again where she would go out till 3 or 5 a.m. and it never bothered me. I feel bad for getting these anxiety fill thoughts.

Ahall, if your GF exhibits strong BPD warning signs as you observed in your July 14 post, you have very good reason to be getting "anxiety filled thoughts." You are playing with fire to be dating her again. If she really does have strong BPD traits, she likely is incapable of trusting you because she is so emotionally unstable and immature that she never learned how to trust herself, much less anyone else who draws close to her. Significantly, when a woman cannot trust YOU, you can never trust HER. She can turn on you at any time -- and will eventually do so with a vengeance.

 

Indeed, your GF has already done this. For example, she dumped you right after your grandmother's funeral, which your GF did not bother to attend. And that was done after 15 months of abusive behaviors you have described here -- e.g., the event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), irrational jealousy (e.g., for all the women you work with), and lack of impulse control.

[Justme1977]

Would you consider couples therapy?