Wife's best friend is interested in being with wife...just once.

[Thegameoflife]

I don't think the OP is screwed, he has a choice, and should be adamit about it. Put his foot down and not only say no, but hell no. There is absolutely NO good that will come of this. If it turns out lousy, there could be regret, and if it turns out great, there will be incentive to repeat. No up side... PERIOD.

 

If my wife insisted, I'd tell her divorce me first.

 

He doesn't have a choice. The friend straight out told him that they're having an emotional affair. An emotional affair where physical intimacy at the very least has been entertained. She is cheating on him already. He never had any choice in that. If they have already had physical intimacy, that was also not his choice.

 

So why after years of a emotional affair, and probably a physical affair, would the friend tell the guy they've been having an emotional affair for sure, and ask him to OK the physical side of things? It's because they are seeking absolution. See, if he gives them approval, it absolves all past discretions. Nobody looks for absolution of past deeds unless they are expecting to face the music.

 

Since they are moving away, the relationship with her friend would downgrade by distance. It would have never be known to others, requiring no absolution. The reason he is screwed is because there is no good route for him to keep his wife. He could leave her on grounds that she has been having an affair which the friend admitted to; or his wife is going to leave him, and he looks stupid because he has already absolved their affair by knowing about it, and not giving recoursive action. In short, he is losing her either way. He's screwed. Should probably lawyer up and except that his wife gave no option to make things work.

[OldRover]

He doesn't have a choice. The friend straight out told him that they're having an emotional affair. An emotional affair where physical intimacy at the very least has been entertained. She is cheating on him already. He never had any choice in that. If they have already had physical intimacy, that was also not his choice.

 

So why after years of a emotional affair, and probably a physical affair, would the friend tell the guy they've been having an emotional affair for sure, and ask him to OK the physical side of things? It's because they are seeking absolution. See, if he gives them approval, it absolves all past discretions. Nobody looks for absolution of past deeds unless they are expecting to face the music.

 

Since they are moving away, the relationship with her friend would downgrade by distance. It would have never be known to others, requiring no absolution. The reason he is screwed is because there is no good route for him to keep his wife. He could leave her on grounds that she has been having an affair which the friend admitted to; or his wife is going to leave him, and he looks stupid because he has already absolved their affair by knowing about it, and not giving recoursive action. In short, he is losing her either way. He's screwed. Should probably lawyer up and except that his wife gave no option to make things work.

 

If that were the case, why even mention "just one more time" to the OP? Just have it and say nothing?

[jen1447]

He doesn't have a choice. The friend straight out told him that they're having an emotional affair. An emotional affair where physical intimacy at the very least has been entertained. She is cheating on him already. He never had any choice in that. If they have already had physical intimacy, that was also not his choice.

 

Where exactly was that said?

[fireflywy]

I would probably say no. When you married, where you both looking for monogamy? If the answer is yes, then man or woman, if your wife participates in this, it will just eat away at you and you'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. This time it will be a female, but once the line has been crossed how long will it be before its some guy at work? What if your wife comes to you and says she wants to sleep with someone because "Hey, you were cool with it last time"?

 

If people want to mess around and live those lifestyles, then they don't need to be married. Personally, I'd tell my wife that her maid of honor either hits the road permanently or I will and if that's how the road ends, well there are better ones out there for you.

[deadelvis]

I've allowed every girlfriend to have sex with women. It doesn't bother me. Never has it caused problems in the relationship. It usually helped build trust and made our relationship stronger. Sometimes I'd end up getting a threesome out of the deal. Not always. About half the time. Sometimes I would watch. Sometimes they were alone. My only rule was no men around/watching except me.

 

Woman/woman is much different than woman/man. It doesn't seem to mess with the fidelity of the relationship IMO. However the other women were always "hot" or "lipstick". I wouldn't feel comfortable with my GF having sex with a butch. Too similar to a man for my comfort.

 

And I should note that I never developed feelings for the '3rd wheel' either. They were just a fun plaything for a while until we got tired of them.

Edited August 17, 2015 by deadelvis

[Try]

I've allowed every girlfriend to have sex with women. It doesn't bother me. Never has it caused problems in the relationship. It usually helped build trust and made our relationship stronger. Sometimes I'd end up getting a threesome out of the deal. Not always. About half the time. Sometimes I would watch. Sometimes they were alone. My only rule was no men around/watching except me.

 

Woman/woman is much different than woman/man. It doesn't seem to mess with the fidelity of the relationship IMO. However the other women were always "hot" or "lipstick". I wouldn't feel comfortable with my GF having sex with a butch. Too similar to a man for my comfort.

First, there is a big difference between having a girlfriend and being married. Second, once you step outside of your wedding vows and start having make the rules up on your own like you have, enforcement of any rules become difficult since they are more open to interpretation, change, and debate.

[Thegameoflife]

Where exactly was that said?

 

First post. The friend suggests taking their friendship to the next level. Then suggests it could spice up their sex life. Then she tells him his wife may be having thoughts of them getting it on, but is reluctant to approach.

 

First, sex is not a next step in any friendship. The last two things suggest they're having conversations about intimacy between the wife and husband, and the best friend and the wife have been sharing conversations about having sex with each other. If these were conversations between a man and woman, this would be instantly recognized as an emotional affair.

[jen1447]

First post. The friend suggests taking their friendship to the next level. Then suggests it could spice up their sex life. Then she tells him his wife may be having thoughts of them getting it on, but is reluctant to approach.

 

First, sex is not a next step in any friendship. The last two things suggest they're having conversations about intimacy between the wife and husband, and the best friend and the wife have been sharing conversations about having sex with each other. If these were conversations between a man and woman, this would be instantly recognized as an emotional affair.

 

Ok, so these are things you believe you've deduced, not things you actually know. The way you were talking, it sounded like OP must have said it somewhere, and of course OP, as the only person who knows the principals, is the only actual authority on them.

[sandylee1]

Ok, so these are things you believe you've deduced, not things you actually know. The way you were talking, it sounded like OP must have said it somewhere, and of course OP, as the only person who knows the principals, is the only actual authority on them.

 

I wondered where the EA was mentioned as well, thought I'd missed it....It wasn't and this is now pure conjecture.

 

Not every friendship is an EA, just because they're both Bi.

[Try]

Ok, so these are things you believe you've deduced, not things you actually know. The way you were talking, it sounded like OP must have said it somewhere, and of course OP, as the only person who knows the principals, is the only actual authority on them.

Actually, although the OP did not use the words "emotional affair" (EA), the OP did confirm that an EA type conversation took place when he stated in the first post of this thread that "She went on to say my wife may be having this thought but is hesitant to discuss it with me because of how I might react". So we know from the OP that the wife is discussing directly with the other woman wanting to have sex with her, and is not directly discussing this with her husband because she knows that he might be upset about it. If having conversation with someone outside of the marriage about wanting to have sex with them is not classified as an EA conversation, then there is no such thing as an EA. Please note that in such conversations between the wife and this other woman, that the wife and the other woman are on the inside as the "us", and that the husband is on the outside being maneuvered. Edited August 18, 2015 by Try

[Thegameoflife]

"An "emotional affair" is an affair between two people that mimics the closeness and emotional intimacy of an affair while never being physically consummated. An emotional affair is often colloquially referred to as an affair of the heart. An emotional affair may emerge from a friendship outside the relationship, and progress toward greater levels of personal intimacy and attachment. What distinguishes an emotional affair from a friendship is the assumption of emotional roles between the two participants that mimic of those of an actual relationship - with regards to confiding personal information and turning to the other person during moments of vulnerability or need."

 

Pretty accepted definition.

[jen1447]

And yet all we can really deduce is that they - possibly or even likely - had a conversation about it. The rest is still conjecture no matter how much you dress it up.

[TX-SC]

This can only end badly for you. Put me down as another "don't do it".

[Try]

And yet all we can really deduce is that they - possibly or even likely - had a conversation about it. The rest is still conjecture no matter how much you dress it up.

People come to sites like this, tell us what they know about a situation, and then ask us to deduce what is likely going on. "No matter how much you dress it up" reasonable and well though out conjecture is usually the best that we can offer them, and usually proves helpful.

[Thegameoflife]

People come to sites like this, tell us what they know about a situation, and then ask us to deduce what is likely going on. "No matter how much you dress it up" reasonable and well though out conjecture is usually the best that we can offer them, and usually proves helpful.

 

This. Pretty much every reply is based on logical deduction, background knowledge and personal experience.

[jen1447]

People come to sites like this, tell us what they know about a situation, and then ask us to deduce what is likely going on. "No matter how much you dress it up" reasonable and well though out conjecture is usually the best that we can offer them, and usually proves helpful.

 

This. Pretty much every reply is based on logical deduction, background knowledge and personal experience.

 

As long as you acknowledge it's conjecture, that's fine with me. But you weren't doing that before, you were stating your suppositions as categorical facts.

[Thegameoflife]

As long as you acknowledge it's conjecture, that's fine with me. But you weren't doing that before, you were stating your suppositions as categorical facts.

 

As long as you acknowledge that this is the internet, and we're responding to posts that could be completely fictional. Even the ones that aren't are written with personal bias and ommission of info to get responses the poster seeks to reinforce their position on their situation, giving justification to any actions they may take.

[jen1447]

As long as you acknowledge that this is the internet, and we're responding to posts that could be completely fictional. Even the ones that aren't are written with personal bias and ommission of info to get responses the poster seeks to reinforce their position on their situation, giving justification to any actions they may take.

 

I'm pretty sure this forum's policies are to take posters and their topics at face value and not assume any of those things, so while of course I acknowledge this is the internet, I don't acknowledge the rest of your list as anything that anyone here has any particular duty to ponder before replying with the assumption that the OP is legit.

 

What does that have to do with misrepresenting conjecture as fact anyway?

[Thegameoflife]

I'm pretty sure this forum's policies are to take posters and their topics at face value and not assume any of those things, so while of course I acknowledge this is the internet, I don't acknowledge the rest of your list as anything that anyone here has any particular duty to ponder before replying with the assumption that the OP is legit.

 

What does that have to do with misrepresenting conjecture as fact anyway?

 

It means there is no way to confirm anything here is factual, therefore all conclusions and opinions are conjecture.

[Methodical]

Is this still cheating if this were to happen with or without my permission with our best friend who is another woman? She says she respects my wishes no matter what and would never force anything but this has been brought up a few times now. Should I be worried? Should I see this as a lucky hand I've been dealt? I just feel it could complicate things and make me feel betrayed, hurt, and question my self worth if my wife was interested in following through on this and it was to happen. It could ruin my marriage and ruin our friendship with this person. Please let me know your thoughts or perspectives.

 

With your permission, no, it's not cheating. Cheating is based on deception, doing something behind your back.

 

I doubt you should be worried bc there's respect among the three of you; otherwise, they'd have done their thing and kept quiet about it. But, if you aren't confident in the strength of your marriage and your wife, then no, don't do it.

 

What distinguishes an emotional affair from a friendship is the assumption of emotional roles between the two participants that mimic of those of an actual relationship - with regards to confiding personal information and turning to the other person during moments of vulnerability or need.

 

We all have friends, but I find a lot of ppl fall into the category of "fair-weather friends" - those ppl who hang around so long as all is good. But, the moment the sh*t hits the fan and the water gets muddy very few stick around. I call those ppl acquaintances, not friends.

 

How you differentiate an emotional affair partner from a friendship is how I differentiate acquaintances from friends. That said, its those true friends I'd turn to and confide personal information during moments of vulnerability whether or not a sexual interest existed. So by your standards, I'm having an emotional affair with a handful of ppl.

 

Why is it so impossible to believe these women have been friends, shared the ups and downs of life, been there for one another thru thick and thin, developed a close bond, and yeah, maybe even felt an intimate connection, not sexual, even though both are bisexual? Now, due to several circumstances, they are entertaining the idea of a sexual exploit, and ASKING PERMISSION so as not to be deceptive?

Edited August 20, 2015 by Methodical

[TX-SC]

For most of the bisexual people I know, they don't really distinguish between loving a man or loving a woman. They can love or have sex with either, so it's more of an attraction to a person, not a gender. So, to her, she could be having sex with a female friend or a male friend. It's basically the same.

 

Now, for a heterosexual, there is a great distinction between the two. "Oh, it's only another girl, at least it's not another guy!" But, that's a naive stance to take. She is talking about having sex with another PERSON. Would you be okay if it was a guy? Would she be okay if you had sex with a female friend "just once"?

[Thegameoflife]

With your permission, no, it's not cheating. Cheating is based on deception, doing something behind your back.

 

I doubt you should be worried bc there's respect among the three of you; otherwise, they'd have done their thing and kept quiet about it. But, if you aren't confident in the strength of your marriage and your wife, then no, don't do it.

 

 

 

We all have friends, but I find a lot of ppl fall into the category of "fair-weather friends" - those ppl who hang around so long as all is good. But, the moment the sh*t hits the fan and the water gets muddy very few stick around. I call those ppl acquaintances, not friends.

 

How you differentiate an emotional affair partner from a friendship is how I differentiate acquaintances from friends. That said, its those true friends I'd turn to and confide personal information during moments of vulnerability whether or not a sexual interest existed. So by your standards, I'm having an emotional affair with a handful of ppl.

 

Why is it so impossible to believe these women have been friends, shared the ups and downs of life, been there for one another thru thick and thin, developed a close bond, and yeah, maybe even felt an intimate connection, not sexual, even though both are bisexual? Now, due to several circumstances, they are entertaining the idea of a sexual exploit, and ASKING PERMISSION so as not to be deceptive?

 

The definition is from wikipedia.

 

You are having an affair with a handful of people. Whether your partner takes issue with it, usually has to do with breach of trust. Using the OP's wife as an example: When she shared information about their marital sex issues, she was partaking in an emotional affair. Whether it was considered to be a breach of trust between her and her husband, is irrelevant. Lots of emotional affairs take place every day without being a breach of trust. People just tend to not point them out or label them as emotional affairs unless they cross a boundary in a relationship.

 

As for your question. I think it's believable to everyone that two people can be friends, and share life experiences. Not sure if you were trying to ask a second question, or accidentally added a "?" to a statement. Asking for permission doesn't negate deception. There could be ulterior motives for their approach, so your position is just conjecture . You also seem to have an issue with caps lock. Probably get that fixed.

Edited August 21, 2015 by Thegameoflife

[bubbaganoosh]

Look. it comes down to this. If it's me, I let my wife know what her best friend said. Tell her everything. Then I tell the wife that when you married me, then I'm the only one allowed to make love to her and no one else. That's what you and her signed up for and that's the way it's going to be. In for a penny, in for a pound and no exceptions and the subject will not be brought up again.

 

So many times you read that a guy marries a woman whose bi and the next thing it gets to her curbing her itch. Well IMO, too bad. Should have thought about that before she said I do.

[spanz1]

Seems to be a rash of bi or bicurious married people either having affairs or considering it today.

 

 

 

it is a sign of the times. Social media/Hollywood/new media....gay/lesbian lifestyles are out there for all to see. And many have perhaps had Bi feelings or fantasies, and with societies support, they now think about it more and more.

 

 

So I think the knee jerk reaction of "NO! WE ARE BOTH HETERO" might need some re-examination. IF you are a little open to it, what harm would it be to let your wife experiment, with your permission, with someone that you already know and like as a friend.

 

 

Clearly, if you are 100% against it, just do not give her permission, and that should be the end of it. but sex is good, and kinky sex can be great. Why not explore it if one of you is fantasizing about it a lot?

[OldRover]

it is a sign of the times. Social media/Hollywood/new media....gay/lesbian lifestyles are out there for all to see. And many have perhaps had Bi feelings or fantasies, and with societies support, they now think about it more and more.

 

 

So I think the knee jerk reaction of "NO! WE ARE BOTH HETERO" might need some re-examination. IF you are a little open to it, what harm would it be to let your wife experiment, with your permission, with someone that you already know and like as a friend.

 

 

Clearly, if you are 100% against it, just do not give her permission, and that should be the end of it. but sex is good, and kinky sex can be great. Why not explore it if one of you is fantasizing about it a lot?

 

There is absolutely NO upside to this one time fling, regardless of how good or exciting it is. For me it would be absolutely NO FU***G WAY.