Husband said he never "really" love me at all--I'm an "obligation" What?

[ShouldaSeenItComing]

Hi, long-time-lurker, first-time-poster.

 

I've been married for almost 10 years. It's been an average marriage, we express our love for each other and we fight fair (no name calling, etc.)

 

Over the last few weeks we have not really been able to recover from our disagreements as easily as before and there is the "walking on egg shells" feeling all around us.

 

This weekend I asked him to talk with me and we cleared our day Saturday and Sunday to really communicate.

 

I'm glad we did, but I'm sorry too because I've just been devastated. No, there is no cheating--neither of us would do that. My husband told me that he felt he was too immature to get married and that he has really tried to be a good husband, and that he does care about me, but he does not love me, and has never really been in love with me. Marriage just seemed like the thing to do and it was convenient. He said he felt obligated to marry me because of the job and income situation at the time, and then didn't want to hurt me by leaving--it made him feel like a cad.

 

He said he realizes now -- thanks to me -- that he has done me a disservice all these years by staying with me when I could have been out finding a man who truly would love me.

 

I got upset with him at one point and told him that was all a bunch of self-comforting pathetic nonsense. He wants out of the marriage without feeling any guilt or remorse.

 

I love him. I can't see myself ever not loving him. But we are going to divorce because I can't live with someone who doesn't love me. I still feel like there has to be a chance for us---it couldn't all have been a lie, he's confused, he's going through mid-life crisis, etc. --I guess I'm in denial and frankly, I like it here. There is hope here.

 

We don't have any children which right now is good, although I've lamented over the years that I couldn't get pregnant. He never wanted kids anyway and I conceded that to him. Now in a way, I wish I had a couple kids to hold onto.

 

I'm so confused and so devastated---I don't want to lose my marriage--I want to rebuild it and make it better. I KNOW he loves me, he had to at some point and I know I'm not wrong about that. How can he say that he never really loved me? I asked him what he thought was missing, what he thought love was and he doesn't have an answer.

 

I'm just in turmoil. I have no told any of my family about this until I can talk about it rationally and have some sort of plan-of-action. He has not moved out. He said he would discuss counseling with me this week, but his view is so that it will help us both adjust to divorce---not find a way to stay together.

 

How can some people just turn off their emotions? How can he hastily say that he never really loved me at all in over 10 years together?

[amy1975]

No he doesn't love you. He said so himself. Don't second guess him-you don't live in his head.

 

Don't be a doormat, and fawn over someone who could give a s*** less about you.

 

Walk out. IF he really loves you, he'll want you back. If he doesn't, then he was right.

 

TIme is precious so don't waste it on him.

[ConfusedInOC]

Yikes. That totally blows. I can sympathize. 10 years is a long time to be with someone and for them to tell you they don't love you -- ouch. My ex and I went through that but not marriage and not 10 years. She loves me as a person but isn't in love with me.

 

I agree with Amy1975 completely. If he can walk away from you, let him. It was never meant to be.

[Owl]

I've got to tell you...this phrase is often a KEY INDICATOR that there IS cheating going on.

 

I realize that you feel that it would never happen...so did I. I'd look REALLY hard at that...because I'd be astounded if it turns out that he's NOT cheating on you.

[FolderWife]

I believe he loved you at SOME point. He just doesn't love you now.

[ShouldaSeenItComing]

Thanks.

 

No he has never cheated on me. He is not moving out until he finds a place and we can go over all our bills together and get our finances straight because he doesn't know what he can afford himself and we both know that I can't afford to stay in my home on just my income. We will talk about selling the house too--something I do NOT want to do. I've already lost him and now I'm losing my home.

 

He does care about my feelings and doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't want to stay married to me anymore.

 

I still think that a lot of this is mid-life crisis and that eventually he will come to his senses and realize what he is throwing away, but by then it will be too late because once I'm gone, I'm gone. I am grieving over the loss of this marriage and feel nearly desperate to save it.

 

I have asked him to go to some counseling with me to help understand all of this and perhaps find a way to go forward together and he agreed. He doesn't think he can fall in love with me, but he's willing to try. He did break down on the phone a few minutes ago and tell me that he did love me once and no, it wasn't all obligation---but I'm second guessing him now and wondering if he's still just trying to 'soften the blow' to me.

 

I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with all of this! I just want to crawl in bed and sleep and not wake up until everything is settled and I don't need to do anything, or think anything, or cry.

 

I have to make every effort to save my marriage before I can completely let it go.

[st8toftheheart]

Well I'd normally try and defend him in this case, because I was this man at one point. But I really can't.

 

I married my ex (note that she is now my ex) because I felt I owed it to her. She took me in when I was at a very low point in my life. I was an outcast of my family, no money, no job. She took me in and had to endure alot. My violent temper (never towards her) and other emotional problems.

 

So when things started to turn around, and sometime had past, I felt I owed it to the person I was with, and used excuses like " Well she put up with all that, I'll never find anyone like her, it must be the right thing to do."

 

Its a shame, and I am in alot of pain because of it, for both me and her.

 

I don't know you're situation, but just try to see if from the other end as well. I did care for my wife at the time, I just don't know if I ever truly loved her.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm with Owl- this is usually what people say when they are cheating.

 

You need to do a little digging.

[jmargel]

It just upsets me to NO end that people on here can make judgements about this husband on what he is thinking or doing!

 

He is probably confused at this point to even know himself. I believe individual counseling (which will come out of marriage counseling) will be beneficial for him. Everyone has different "ideas" of love. Some expect the whirlwind romance to last forever in a relationship and when it doesn't one might determine that is enough to realize that "my partner isn't the one". If you two lacked initimacy that could also be the case. You said he's in a mid-life crisis now? The could be a major role in this as well.

 

Right now don't take all his words to heart. He still might say somethings that he'll later come back and apologize for. He probably feels lost in alot of ways. As for your feelings you need to take it one day at a time. Don't base your own self-worth on this. Do you two do things together or just co-habitate? I always make sure I take my wife out on a date at least once a week. Otherwise we will drift apart. Sometimes couples in a marriage get so comfortable in a relationship that they take each other for granted. Doing that will cause a loss of feeling. But most important out of all of this you must keep communication open at ALL times.

 

Don't give up. You married him for better or worse. Right now things are worse. Keep strong

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm not saying that he is cheating, but he is spouting what people who are cheating usually say. I've never seen one case out of 25-30 divorces of people that I know where the man says this kinda stuff and isn't cheating. Maybe I'm just conditioned to think this way?

 

I think she needs to be smart and do a little detective work- that is what I'm saying.

[FolderWife]

It would come as absolutely no suprise to me if my husband said, "I care about you, but I was never really 'In' love with you."

 

Wouldn't suprise me one bit...after living on loveshack for so long.

[whichwayisup]

He does care about my feelings and doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't want to stay married to me anymore.

 

Now that you know this, seek some therapy to help you cope with the loss and all the hurt that comes with it.

 

You can't stay with him, don't settle. That isn't fair to you and it's not fair to him. How could you trust him now? 100% fully and completely? You can't make somebody fall back inlove with you if they aren't willing to try or really not wanting to...

 

Sadly, I would say it's time you both went separate ways.

[overseas2004]

I have to agree with what the other poster said about him cheating on you. Its so obvious from what he is saying. And he wants to admit it to you but he doesnt have the b*lls to do it.

 

I know you think he would never cheat on you. We all think that. But I dont know what makes you think he wouldnt cheat on you. hasnt he already done something that has totally surprised you?

 

You will see the truth always comes out.

[HokeyReligions]

People can fall out of love without having to cheat. Some people make a commitment & stick with it until they decide to dissolve the commitment --and that doesn't mean they cheat.

 

She said he has not cheated on her and she seems clear on that. Maybe she has already investigated or maybe she is just not divulging why she is certain of it.

 

I can certainly understand the statements and I would not jump to the conclusion that the husband was cheating. My husband said something similar on several occasions---and we split up a couple of times to sort things out. I know he never cheated on me, the issues we had, had nothing to do with cheating, but I'll bet a lot of folks would have convinced themselves otherwise.

 

I have to make every effort to save my marriage before I can completely let it go.

 

Been there and we were able to save the marriage. I hope that you are also, or find the closure and strength you need to move on. I have my fingers crossed for the former!

[dgiirl]

My husband has pretty much said the same stuff as her husband did, and I know there's OW. So yes, there was cheating in my case.

 

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Been there and we were able to save the marriage. I hope that you are also, or find the closure and strength you need to move on. I have my fingers crossed for the former!

 

What did you do to try to save it? Was he adamant about not fixing the relationship?

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by dgiirl

 

 

What did you do to try to save it? Was he adamant about not fixing the relationship?

 

No, he was open to working on it and on himself. We got counseling (couple & individual) and worked very hard on the marriage.

 

We had some pretty steep obstacles to overcome and I'm proud of the fact that we HAVE made it and have reached a point where we freely express ourselves and we are comfortable and happy together. It took many years to achieve this.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

No, he was open to working on it and on himself. We got counseling (couple & individual) and worked very hard on the marriage.

 

We had some pretty steep obstacles to overcome and I'm proud of the fact that we HAVE made it and have reached a point where we freely express ourselves and we are comfortable and happy together. It took many years to achieve this.

 

I'm very glad you had a husband who had the courage to work on the relationship. I can see it does take a lot of hard work, and I dont think many people are capable of doing it. I'm not even sure if I'm capable of doing it. Especially after what I've learned from my husband.

[RecordProducer]

Your story sounds so much like my ex-BF's, I almost thought you were his ex-wife. Please note that I said EX-wife.

They were together for 10 years, married for 8. One day he realizes he wasn't happy in the marriage and he wasn't in love with her. He said he did love her, but was never really in love with her. He also felt obligated to marry her, because of her status in the US (she's a foreigner). They didn't have children. When he decided to leave her, she was devastated, but I think she was better off without him.

Our relationship started when he was separated and I am also better off without him.

Your husband is right, you deserve to be with someone who truly loves you. It's good that you don't have children with him. You can find your true love at any age, place, and life stage. But you need to be available!

[st8toftheheart]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

They were together for 10 years, married for 8. One day he realizes he wasn't happy in the marriage and he wasn't in love with her. He said he did love her, but was never really in love with her. He also felt obligated to marry her, because of her status in the US (she's a foreigner). They didn't have children. When he decided to leave her, she was devastated, but I think she was better off without him.

 

Geez, that sounded like that was me for a second.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Monday

I believe he loved you at SOME point. He just doesn't love you now.

 

Yup. Some people just aren't in touch with their feelings. Or deceive themselves. If they feel it now, they think it must always have been so.

[friend182]

Please read.

 

I was engaged for 1 year to a man that I loved more than anything in the world. I lived for him and was convinced that we would live happily ever after. 12 days before the wedding he walked in and said that he did not love me anymore. I was convinced that 1) this was not true 2) I was going to die. He also told me that I deserved someone who would really love me. I didn't care about that at this point, I just wanted him.

 

We broke up (he with me) and I thought it was the end of the world. My heart and body physically hurt for about 5 months.

 

This is the good part.

 

Without meaning to, I met a man who I fell for and he fell for me. I knew that this was the real thing when he told me first that he loved me more than anything in the world! That is what I always told my ex. Now I knew how it felt to have someone say that to me first and really mean it. My life is so much happier and enriched.

 

You have to let that go. I know that you have invested 10 years, but better just 10 than 20. You can find someone who really loves and adores you. It feels so good, and everyone should have that. Your husband may not be on the bright side if he doesn't see this in you, and that being the case - who wants him anyway!!

[RecordProducer]

Yeah, I had a similar situation like friend 182. My ex-husband left me with two babies and I wanted him and only him and thought I was going to die. Just 4 years later I am about to marry a great guy who is sooooooooooo much better than my ex, they are not even on the same scale. We're madly in love with each other and he also loves my kids and they him.

When you think it's over, it's actually a new beginning. Often of something great!

[flowergirl]

Damn, I'm sooo sorry about this, your husband sounds really self-absorbed. Do lots of the neccesary crying, talk to friends, all that, but realize that what he's going through is HIS problem, and you don't need to be dragged into it. We are all here at LS to support you, girl!! By the way, State of the Heart, thanks for a view from the other side and for being courageosu enough to share your candor.

[Guest]

I know exactly how it feels. My husband was deployed for a year a month after our first and only child was born. He wasn't over sees or anything like that and i could have had him home stationed after 6 months, but he chose to stay for a full year. I was a single parent, a full time worker and a new homeowner and landlord all by myself at once.

 

I let him know many a times I wasn't happy with this arrangement or him. he had come home several times during his times gone. 8 months after being deployed i was able to retrieve his military e-mail account. i wish i hadn't. he repeated over and over to someone else how he couldn't wait to see them and how he loved this person over and over again. this homewrecker would reply the same and how she couldnt wait to go camping the 4th of july with him.

 

how ironic i couldn't get a hold of him that holiday. hmmmm. anyway he told me someone else had used his account several times to get in touch with their girlfriend, blah blah blah and that it wasn't him. he didnt want a divorce, he was sorry, he would make it all up to me.

he came home that september and by easter was telling me he wasnt "happy" anymore and wanted a divorce.

 

i sought counciling for both of us and he made me feel like it was working, then 6 months later i found out he had seen a lawyer and was secretly saving money for a divorce battle. we sat down with lawyers and he didn't like what i wanted which was custody of our son and the home that i have taken of care since day 1.

 

he could have visatation rights. we never spoke about divorce after that meeting again. that was over 3 1/2 years ago. we haven't had sex since or even hug, but we still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed and carry on as if we're "normal".

 

Hi, long-time-lurker, first-time-poster.

 

I've been married for almost 10 years. It's been an average marriage, we express our love for each other and we fight fair (no name calling, etc.)

 

Over the last few weeks we have not really been able to recover from our disagreements as easily as before and there is the "walking on egg shells" feeling all around us.

 

This weekend I asked him to talk with me and we cleared our day Saturday and Sunday to really communicate.

 

I'm glad we did, but I'm sorry too because I've just been devastated. No, there is no cheating--neither of us would do that. My husband told me that he felt he was too immature to get married and that he has really tried to be a good husband, and that he does care about me, but he does not love me, and has never really been in love with me. Marriage just seemed like the thing to do and it was convenient. He said he felt obligated to marry me because of the job and income situation at the time, and then didn't want to hurt me by leaving--it made him feel like a cad.

 

He said he realizes now -- thanks to me -- that he has done me a disservice all these years by staying with me when I could have been out finding a man who truly would love me.

 

I got upset with him at one point and told him that was all a bunch of self-comforting pathetic nonsense. He wants out of the marriage without feeling any guilt or remorse.

 

I love him. I can't see myself ever not loving him. But we are going to divorce because I can't live with someone who doesn't love me. I still feel like there has to be a chance for us---it couldn't all have been a lie, he's confused, he's going through mid-life crisis, etc. --I guess I'm in denial and frankly, I like it here. There is hope here.

 

We don't have any children which right now is good, although I've lamented over the years that I couldn't get pregnant. He never wanted kids anyway and I conceded that to him. Now in a way, I wish I had a couple kids to hold onto.

 

I'm so confused and so devastated---I don't want to lose my marriage--I want to rebuild it and make it better. I KNOW he loves me, he had to at some point and I know I'm not wrong about that. How can he say that he never really loved me? I asked him what he thought was missing, what he thought love was and he doesn't have an answer.

 

I'm just in turmoil. I have no told any of my family about this until I can talk about it rationally and have some sort of plan-of-action. He has not moved out. He said he would discuss counseling with me this week, but his view is so that it will help us both adjust to divorce---not find a way to stay together.

 

How can some people just turn off their emotions? How can he hastily say that he never really loved me at all in over 10 years together?

[MistakenMomma]

This sounds like me and my issue with my husband. My husband is a good man first of all. We have 3 children together and I LOVE HIM DEARLY. He is someone that I have always loved and he's my best friend in the entire world. Last Saturday, he sat at the top of our stairs and told me that he "can't do this with me". "This" meaning our marriage and our life together. Let me give you a back story.

 

We have known each other for 15 years, together for 10 years, and married for 8 years. When he met me, I did not cook or clean complusively. I had a house keeper. I still don't cook very well and I clean but my husband is ticked because I am not happy when I do it. Why should I be happy about it? Who cares if I am obviously irritated? It is still getting done. To me, love in not at the bottom of a bottle of Clorox.

 

Love is how that person makes you feel when you are with them. The way they your heart skips at the prospect of seeing them and having them touch you. The way you connect when you are intimate. The way sweet gestures from your mate keeps you warm inside. That's just a fraction of what love is for me. My husband equates love with a plate of food and a clean house with a smile. I know some women do this readily and at will however, I truly don't think that we have the BIG problems many other marriages have like infidelity & abuse. My husband gooes to work and comes home directly. He doesn't hang out and he is active and involved with our childen.

 

I love him with his flaws. He can get distant. He loves to correct me and if he asks me to do something, he would like me to do it the way he would have versus the way the way I did it. In return, I have just started letting him handle his own tasks that way it is done as he would have it.

 

I feel crazy at times because I take care of the kids all day long (which is my choice). I work out of my home and I am currently in a class to obtain a state license to advance what I do. I don't hang out, drink, smoke, do drugs, or keep a bad element in or around our home. I just think he can do so much worse. Please help me.