Friendship or not

[Crila16]

I’ve been part of a group of friends for about 12 yrs. My best friend in the group is Amy (I've always had her back). Everyone is the group has a tendency to gossip and judge the others in the group…but they mostly judge the single girls (me being one of the single ones.)

 

 

 

About 2 yrs ago, Amy got her first boyfriend. She couldn’t stand him, and he was basically a crazy stalker. He was so weird, that when I read his txt’s to her, I was freaked out…and she was freaked out by him. She made me promise not to tell the others in the group, because they would judge her if it failed. I was her confidant. She said she was going to force herself to love him, because she didn’t want to be alone anymore.

 

 

 

Amy and I just stopped talking after a while. The whole situation sickened me…plus there were other reasons I won’t get into. Our group of friends actually tried to make the situation between Amy and I worse, instead of trying to help mend our friendship. They accused me of major jealousy. They never called me to ask me what happened. Everyone in the group cut me off and automatically took Amy’s side (they’ve known her 20 yrs), even though Amy and I never had a verbal fight and she didn’t know the full reasons why we just stopped talking.

 

 

 

Fast forward to today, Amy and I are friends agaib. We worked things out after only 3 months. Everyone in the group assumed that I would be automatic friends w/ them again too...buy that's not how it works with me. They backstabbed and never stood up for me.

 

 

 

Amy and her boyfriend just got engaged and moved in together. I’m still single. I haven’t really spoken to most of the people in this group of friends for 1- ½ yrs. I found out, everyone in the group can’t stand her fiancé. They think he’s a weirdo and try not to hang out with them too much (she has not clue). I actually am very nice to him (the only one), because he’s her future husband and I will support her.

 

 

Well it’s her bday on Friday, and I asked what everyone had planned for her bday. I hadn’t seen everyone in forever, but I would go for her and be very cordial to everyone else in the group. She said no one had anything against me and that they didn't have anything planned.

 

 

 

I found out through the grapevine that they do have a dinner planned for her for Friday…and apparently, I wasn’t invited. Amy lied to me. I’m her only true friend in the group...we talk everyday. Everyone else hardly sees her anymore. I don’t know if I should be upset or angry that she’s treating them better than me, when I’m her only true friend in the group. I’ve been there for her…and they never are. Why isn’t she telling them they better invite me, that I’m her best friend? It’s her bday. Do I just cut her off as a friend again…because honestly, I’m getting sick of being walked all over. Or do I forget about it and ignore it?

 

 

 

Any advice?

[cerridwen]

First, are you certain she knows about the dinner and it isn't planned as a surprise?

You're absolutely sure she lied?

 

Second, you have every right to feel upset about it.

Be upset. Be angry. They're YOUR feelings.

You don't need permission from us to feel how you're feeling.

Just make sure you know the facts.

 

Third, I find it difficult to be friends with anyone I don't trust.

How can one feel safe with someone who has betrayed one in the past?

I suppose there's forgiveness but isn't this a pattern with this circle of friends?

 

It doesn't sound like a supportive group in the least.

Would you really be losing anything of substance if you distanced yourself?

It sounds like you have everything to gain.

That kind of social exclusion is painful.

And if Amy knew, it's also cruel.

 

I assume you're out of school.

If so, there are more opportunities in the work world to expand your social network and meet people with similar values.

If not through work, then through hobbies, special interests, church, clubs, so on.

I advise you move in that direction.

Amy and this circle sound like a pit of vipers.

[Crila16]

Thank you Cerridwen.

 

Yes. She knows about it. It's not a milestone bday or anything...plus it's already Thursday. Still no invite. I also made mention on her facebook last night about "Hope your fiance (who is traveling on business) makes it back on time for your bday dinner on Friday." No response. I also just re-read what I posted. Her bday is actually today, but they're celebrating it on Friday. I wished her a happy bday this am...and she said Thank you.

 

She already told me I wasn't in her wedding, because even though I was her best friend, she had other friends she's known longer, like our other friend in the group who treats her so horribly and doesn't like her fiance. Yet...I was the first person she called when she got engaged.

 

I'm done with this group anyway. Have been for 1-1/2 yrs, and I have no drama anymore. I have other friends. My other best friend used to be part of this group...but she defected. She's the only one that stood up for me and had my back. She's done with them too. I was just trying to figure out how to act or behave towards Amy after doing this to me. I want to be mature about it.

[cerridwen]

Thank you Cerridwen.

 

Yes. She knows about it. It's not a milestone bday or anything...plus it's already Thursday. Still no invite. I also made mention on her facebook last night about "Hope your fiance (who is traveling on business) makes it back on time for your bday dinner on Friday." No response. I also just re-read what I posted. Her bday is actually today, but they're celebrating it on Friday. I wished her a happy bday this am...and she said Thank you.

 

:(

 

She already told me I wasn't in her wedding because even though I was her best friend, she had other friends she's known longer, like our other friend in the group who treats her so horribly and doesn't like her fiance. Yet...I was the first person she called when she got engaged.

 

I'm done with this group anyway. Have been for 1-1/2 yrs, and I have no drama anymore. I have other friends. My other best friend used to be part of this group...but she defected. She's the only one that stood up for me and had my back. She's done with them too. I was just trying to figure out how to act or behave towards Amy after doing this to me. I want to be mature about it.

 

Well, if you want to be mature about it just quietly distance yourself.

Hopefully, you're not required to cross paths often.

Be polite as you turn down any invitations; don't fly off the handle in a rage; don't bad-mouth her to others (this only invites drama); keep any communication she initiates brief.

You've shown a ton of restraint already. Im not saying anything new.

 

Yes, she should have invited you to the party.

You have every right to be angry and hurt.

Yes, she should have been a better friend.

But how futile to try and explain that to her!

Some people don't value loyalty. She's obviously that type.

It's best to just cut ties align yourself with friends of your caliber.

But also learn from this. Sometimes you have to cut bait at early signs of disloyalty and insensitivity.

 

Go have fun this weekend with your other friends.

Edited August 13, 2015 by cerridwen

[Crila16]

Thank you so much for taking the time. You've been very helpful, and I appreciate it. I'm definitely taking your advice. I will be nice, mature...but back off slowly...while being pleasant at the same time. I'm going to try not to create any "drama", because according to this group...everyone is drama, except for them. Especially when you try to defend yourself. You shouldn't have to defend yourself all the time to a friend. It's exhausting.