tidal Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 My boyfriend and I (both age 31) broke up last year after dating a year and a half. We stayed in touch. Four months later we started talking about getting back together. I hadn't been with anyone else. He said he hadn't either. We got back together the next month and he moved in with me. Three months later, I discover he started dating someone as a rebound when we broke up but never cut it off with her. And had been lying to me, staying with her but telling me he was with different friends. It's been two months since then and we both want to stay together. He has ended things with the other girl. We are still living together and trying to rebuild trust. All my friends think this is a mistake, so finding support is difficult. Are there any stories out there where the relationship survived and grew after a bout of cheating/lying? Is it possible to salvage & work on this? Anything that can give me hope would be helpful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I think you will find plenty that survived. But is just surviving enough for a lifetime? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I don't think yours will. The only happy ending story I know belongs to my college roommate. She'd been with her now husband of 20+ years since 7th grade. They were LD in college. Senior year he decided he wanted to date someone else. (I never believed he didn't cheat). Anyway, 2 years later he came crawling back. They got married about a year later & have lived happily ever after. In contrast your BF has been lying to you for a while even though you lived together -- huge problem. I'd throw him out & tell him not to let the door hit him in the butt on the way out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 You don't want to just survive. If that's all you are hoping for then break it off now. When a couple is not married I think the only way that cheating can be overcome is if it is already accepted that it's not the end of the world to either party. Like if they agree that they can have sex with other people until they are sure they want to commit. Or if one or both of them likes 3some's and/or dig watching their partner having sex with one or more other partners. There are a lot of relationships - married or not - that are not based on monogamy. They usually get to poly or straight up swinging by mutual desire and acceptance. Cheating early on can just be a small bump in the road for people who don't see sex as something sacred and think of it more as a really fun exercise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 You want to thrive don't you? If so, cut ties. He may not be the guy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Why didn't he come clean and tell you he was seeing someone before getting back together and moving in with you? You can survive infidelity, but cheating prior to marriage puts you on a shaky foundation and so many people who cheated before marriage, but were given a second chance just cheat again. I think it's partially due to the fact that you've shown cheating isn't a dealbreaker for you. There's a number of things to do to attempt reconciliation, but honestly with no children and not being married, I wouldn't put the effort in for a guy who cheated as a BF. To monitor his phone and GPS track isn't what I'd do with a husband, talk less with a BF. Not worth it in my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Well - my partner cheated 5 years ago, after we had been together for 9 years - and we worked through that and stayed together. *I* am here because I cheated (a physical "affair" a three night stand - one week affair whatever you want to call it). I think we will survive this as well. That said, my situation is TOTALLY different than yours.... I would worry about the sleeping around etc when you should still be in the "drunk with love" honeymoon phase. I can tell you for the first 5 years there is no way either of us had "eyes" for someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Well - my partner cheated 5 years ago, after we had been together for 9 years - and we worked through that and stayed together. *I* am here because I cheated (a physical "affair" a three night stand - one week affair whatever you want to call it). I think we will survive this as well. That said, my situation is TOTALLY different than yours.... I would worry about the sleeping around etc when you should still be in the "drunk with love" honeymoon phase. I can tell you for the first 5 years there is no way either of us had "eyes" for someone else. RA, revenge affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Three months later, I discover he started dating someone as a rebound when we broke up but never cut it off with her. And had been lying to me, staying with her but telling me he was with different friends. alvage & work on this? Anything that can give me hope would be helpful. Yours will not survive because of this part. Your boyfriend is not remorseful. Not only he cheated on you but afterward he kept the lie going. There is nothing to salvage here. You are not married, I hope you have no children together. Let it go. The 2 couples that I know that have survived cheating (in both cases the male cheated) were couples that went straight to counseling and the cheater was totally remorseful and handed over his entire privacy to the other to better rebuild their relationship. One of those couple was engaged to be married. They have now been married for 20 years 2 kids. The other couple was already married, they now have been together 30 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Tidal How did you find out he was cheating? How do you know he's ended it with her? What was his reaction when you found out? Admit? Deny? I know a couple together after infidelity. The husband cheated, but it was a very short affair when he was on holiday and they had 3 kids. He was very remorseful and begged and begged for forgiveness. He swore he'd never ever hurt her again like this and thanked her for giving him a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 My boyfriend and I (both age 31) broke up last year after dating a year and a half. We stayed in touch. Four months later we started talking about getting back together. I hadn't been with anyone else. He said he hadn't either. We got back together the next month and he moved in with me. Three months later, I discover he started dating someone as a rebound when we broke up but never cut it off with her. And had been lying to me, staying with her but telling me he was with different friends. It's been two months since then and we both want to stay together. He has ended things with the other girl. We are still living together and trying to rebuild trust. All my friends think this is a mistake, so finding support is difficult. Are there any stories out there where the relationship survived and grew after a bout of cheating/lying? Is it possible to salvage & work on this? Anything that can give me hope would be helpful. Who was the original dumper? Him or you? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 My boyfriend and I (both age 31) broke up last year after dating a year and a half. We stayed in touch. Four months later we started talking about getting back together. I hadn't been with anyone else. He said he hadn't either. We got back together the next month and he moved in with me. Three months later, I discover he started dating someone as a rebound when we broke up but never cut it off with her. And had been lying to me, staying with her but telling me he was with different friends. It's been two months since then and we both want to stay together. He has ended things with the other girl. We are still living together and trying to rebuild trust. All my friends think this is a mistake, so finding support is difficult. Are there any stories out there where the relationship survived and grew after a bout of cheating/lying? Is it possible to salvage & work on this? Anything that can give me hope would be helpful. The only way for a relationship to survive infidelity is the cheater taking full responsibility for their actions. Next, you need to get the the root of why it lead up to the cheating. If relationship issues are not resolved, you will not be able to move forward with a refreshed outlook, and cheating may reoccur. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 If you weremarried with kids thend suggest councelling. As you are not i dont see the point. You already oke up once. That in itself is not a good sign. What is it about him that makes you think he is worth trying to overcome the problems? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tidal Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Thanks everyone. Answering some of your questions... I broke up with him after dating about a year. This is the part that's complicated. He always wanted to be exclusive and I didn't. I wasn't sure how I felt about him. I put him down all the time and was, overall, rather mean to him. He was super clingy and was more into the relationship than I was. I was (and knew it) super terrified of commitment so the whole relationship was frightening me because I knew it could become serious. We really got along very well together (still do) and compliment each other well. So I broke it off with him and he was really really heart broken about it. A month after I broke up with him, my father died. This really opened up my eyes of letting people into my life, trusting others, and really opening myself up to a serious relationship. (Before I put up big walls). So essentially he started dating this other girl as a rebound, they weren't exclusive, and it was totally casual. Basically as a way to get over our break-up. He wasn't cheating on me during this part because we were already broken up. When we got back together, we didn't agree to be exclusive here either (though I was). But at this point he still hadn't told me about the girl and was sleeping with her and lying about it. While living with me. That part sucks. I found out he was cheating because there were several weeks he was spending 4+ days spending the night somewhere else and I grew suspicious. I went through his emails and found that he was dating this other girl. He denied it until I showed him proof (screenshots). I left the apartment to stay with friends for a month while figuring out what to do. Part of the reason I am trying this is because I have cheated in the past in previous relationships. I did it because I was afraid of something. And I got in over my head and the situation spiraled out of control. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, though that is ultimately what is going to happen. I empathize with my bf that he was afraid I would break up with him again (or something). Obviously he didn't handle those feelings well. He is slowly starting to go to therapy. (I have been in it for a while now). Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Well, it's good that you both go to therapy and continue with it. Do the homework assigned together. Reconciliation will not work unless he is completely remorseful and is completely transparent with you. To me, it sounds like the two of you (or at least him) are trying to rug sweep this. And rug sweeping doesn't fix anything. And the most important thing you two MUST do is communicate with each other and understand where the other one is coming from. If you can do these things. Then the two of you stand a chance of forgiveness and moving on from this, together. Rather than moving apart. Link to post Share on other sites
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