Once a cheater always one?

[Amelie1980]

If someone you dated had cheated in both long term relationships and had a history of having casual sex and lying and sleeping around when single, would you ever trsut them.

 

At a certain age it becomes more about personality than compatibility and if they keep cheating is this just who they are?

[deadelvis]

I am also wondering the answer to this. My partner cheated on her last BF of 4 years with about 7 different guys, some were long running affairs. She also had a lot of cybersex, sending nudes to men etc. during that relationship. She was very promiscuous when single, mostly FWB's and ONS's. A few short relationships. She did lot's of "questionable" things, both single and when cheating on her last BF. She swears that it was in the past and she would never cheat on me or do anything like that. I believe her but it's hard to get past her cheating on her ex so often.

Her logic is "it's not fair to judge a person based on their past, you wouldn't judge your partner for the things they did when they were single (ONS's, FWB's etc.) so why is it fair to judge them based on things they did in a relationship? People can change"

[pteromom]

If someone you dated had cheated in both long term relationships and had a history of having casual sex and lying and sleeping around when single, would you ever trsut them.

 

At a certain age it becomes more about personality than compatibility and if they keep cheating is this just who they are?

 

I don't believe in "once a cheater always one", but the people who AREN'T always one are the people who LEARN from their experiences and become better people, and never cheat again.

 

The fact that this person has a history of cheating and lying in MULTIPLE relationships means he didn't learn anything the first or second or ?? time.

 

So yes, I would say it is more about his personality, and that this is who he is.

 

The WHY doesn't matter. He could be selfish, or lack values, or lack impulse control, or whatever, but the odds that he will cheat again are very high.

[pteromom]

I am also wondering the answer to this. My partner cheated on her last BF of 4 years with about 7 different guys, some were long running affairs. She also had a lot of cybersex, sending nudes to men etc. during that relationship. She was very promiscuous when single, mostly FWB's and ONS's. A few short relationships. She did lot's of "questionable" things, both single and when cheating on her last BF. She swears that it was in the past and she would never cheat on me or do anything like that. I believe her but it's hard to get past her cheating on her ex so often.

Her logic is "it's not fair to judge a person based on their past, you wouldn't judge your partner for the things they did when they were single (ONS's, FWB's etc.) so why is it fair to judge them based on things they did in a relationship? People can change"

 

Yes, people can change.

 

Did your gf ever cheat on another bf? Or just that one? Could be there was something toxic in that relationship that brought on the cheating. But still, it was a horrible way to deal with issues in the relationship. And still, it makes you wonder whether she will just cheat whenever things get tough (because they always do.)

 

I would certainly not discard her past. That would be silly. As Dr. Phil says, "The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior."

[Amelie1980]

I don't believe in "once a cheater always one", but the people who AREN'T always one are the people who LEARN from their experiences and become better people, and never cheat again.

 

The fact that this person has a history of cheating and lying in MULTIPLE relationships means he didn't learn anything the first or second or ?? time.

 

So yes, I would say it is more about his personality, and that this is who he is.

 

The WHY doesn't matter. He could be selfish, or lack values, or lack impulse control, or whatever, but the odds that he will cheat again are very high.

 

I truly think he lacks values. He did a few things when we dated that shocked the hell out of me. Not in a good way either. It was things no decent person would ever think of doing.

 

He lies and manipulates to get what he wants. When I caught him out he went moody and treated me like the abuser.

 

It isnt that he didnt learn anything, I dont think he cares.

 

I just got dumped for someone else. He was lying about their being more between us so he could use me for sex until he found a gf he really wanted.

 

I am thinking that behavior like that is more about his personality rather than making a mistake.

 

I know I shouldnt care but I am sad about him waltzing off with new gf. Makes me feel a little better to think it was not about me and that he is liely to cheat again.

[deadelvis]

But to use the example of my GF again...

Not all relationships are the same.

She cheated because of problems with her boyfriend. I am pretty much the opposite of him. I'm more similar to the guys she was cheating with. Does that matter at all? Maybe not. But no two relationships are the same. To compare the relationship she was in (unhappy, sexual void, emotionally distant, settling...) to the one we have now would be apples and oranges. So to compare her cheating on him to cheating on me would also be apples and oranges.

[deadelvis]

But that guy sounds like a turd.

[pteromom]

I truly think he lacks values. He did a few things when we dated that shocked the hell out of me. Not in a good way either. It was things no decent person would ever think of doing.

 

He lies and manipulates to get what he wants. When I caught him out he went moody and treated me like the abuser.

 

It isnt that he didnt learn anything, I dont think he cares.

 

I just got dumped for someone else. He was lying about their being more between us so he could use me for sex until he found a gf he really wanted.

 

I am thinking that behavior like that is more about his personality rather than making a mistake.

 

I know I shouldnt care but I am sad about him waltzing off with new gf. Makes me feel a little better to think it was not about me and that he is liely to cheat again.

 

He sounds like a horrible person, and one you are fortunate to be rid of!

 

Don't be sad - feel SORRY for this new gf... she doesn't know what is in store for her.

 

It's not you. He's a scumbag.

 

Next time someone does things that are so immoral they are shocking, WALK AWAY. They are showing you who they are. Don't settle for someone with no morals.

 

You are lovable, but you can't change a bad man into a good one. You'll only hurt yourself.

[pteromom]

But to use the example of my GF again...

Not all relationships are the same.

She cheated because of problems with her boyfriend. I am pretty much the opposite of him. I'm more similar to the guys she was cheating with. Does that matter at all? Maybe not. But no two relationships are the same. To compare the relationship she was in (unhappy, sexual void, emotionally distant, settling...) to the one we have now would be apples and oranges. So to compare her cheating on him to cheating on me would also be apples and oranges.

 

This is all very true. If she cheated on only that one guy, it may be very possible she won't cheat again.

 

BUT it does show you something very important about her... that when there are issues, she is unlikely to stand up and confront them. So knowing that, you have to be the one who takes the lead in communication, so she isn't just growing resentment - whether or not it leads to cheating.

[Amelie1980]

But that guy sounds like a turd.

 

Yeah his two major relationships were with women who could not have been more different. Completely different ages, ethnic backgrounds, etc.

 

So I think it makes it less of an issue of compatibility and more about that is who he is.

[Amelie1980]

He sounds like a horrible person, and one you are fortunate to be rid of!

 

Don't be sad - feel SORRY for this new gf... she doesn't know what is in store for her.

 

It's not you. He's a scumbag.

 

Next time someone does things that are so immoral they are shocking, WALK AWAY. They are showing you who they are. Don't settle for someone with no morals.

 

You are lovable, but you can't change a bad man into a good one. You'll only hurt yourself.

 

Sadly all the bad behavior came at the end.

 

Didnt realise he was lying. He was very plausible.

Towards the end the things he did were shocking.

 

I do feel sorry for his new gf hopefully she will have more guts than me to end it. I was in a bad place with work etc and I just let it slide. But I should not have ignored it.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

A person's behavioral pattern tends to remain the same. Not always, but in most cases.

[mystikmind2005]

When it comes to cheating, i have one simple rule....

 

were they a 'hunter' or the 'hunted'?

 

The cheater who was 'hunted' is a much better prospect than the cheater who was the 'hunter'.

[Amelie1980]

When it comes to cheating, i have one simple rule....

 

were they a 'hunter' or the 'hunted'?

 

The cheater who was 'hunted' is a much better prospect than the cheater who was the 'hunter'.

 

Even so it shows poor impulse control and lack of integrity.

 

Even if they didnt go out looking for it.....since when was it was his/her idea or s/he started it ever an acceptable defence fora grown adult?!

 

If the cheater was hunted it simply shows that they will not resist temptation in the future and are easily led. Makes a poor partner in my opinion either way.

[Amelie1980]

A person's behavioral pattern tends to remain the same. Not always, but in most cases.

 

This guy is 34. He isnt a 20 year old.

 

I dont think he will stop.

[qubist]

People can change and learn from their mistakes and TRY to avoid them. I said try to avoid not avoid. not all mistakes are equals some of them are just wrong acts due little knowledge or just a faulty behavior. but other mistakes are a result of personality flaws so unless these flaws are address trying to avoid the same mistake will not be possible. Cheating is one of those mistakes that reflects personalty flaws, lot of cheaters recognize they did wrong and really try to avoid cheating but never address the reasons behind the cheating so they fall for it again and that's where the saying " once a cheater always one" come from.

[Amelie1980]

People can change and learn from their mistakes and TRY to avoid them. I said try to avoid not avoid. not all mistakes are equals some of them are just wrong acts due little knowledge or just a faulty behavior. but other mistakes are a result of personality flaws so unless these flaws are address trying to avoid the same mistake will not be possible. Cheating is one of those mistakes that reflects personalty flaws, lot of cheaters recognize they did wrong and really try to avoid cheating but never address the reasons behind the cheating so they fall for it again and that's where the saying " once a cheater always one" come from.

 

Indeed.

 

My flaw in relationships is that I bend over backwards for them and tolerate bad behavior as I am too scared to lose them. But i do anyway.

 

Even when I recognise bad behavior I tolerate it. That is my flaw and that is due to my personality and that it why I keep getting used.

 

I have not addressed my personality flaws and so it keeps happening to me.

 

I guess it is the same with cheaters. If they dont address their issues they keep doing it.

[carhill]

The answer is pretty simple.... once one has been unfaithful, they've always been unfaithful for their natural life.

 

I recall stealing ice cream from the ice cream room when I was trusted enough to be the ice cream monitor in fourth grade. I'll always be the ice cream thief (true story!).

 

Do acts in our past have to rule us today? Sure, they can. IMO, they don't have to.

 

Think about the most heinous and anti-social or violent act one has committed in their life. None of us are immune. Does that define you? Rule you? IDK. I guess we each decide that for ourselves.

 

I've been with a few women and was married to one. I have no verifiable idea whether they cheated or not or whether they lied or not. I do know, when I was having an EA, I introduced my exW to the person and they interacted independently. She might not have trusted me on other matters but could trust with authority on that one. There was no ambiguity. It was right in her face and with purpose. Would I do it again? Probably not. Then again, I won't be marrying a woman ever again either.

[Amelie1980]

The answer is pretty simple.... once one has been unfaithful, they've always been unfaithful for their natural life.

 

I recall stealing ice cream from the ice cream room when I was trusted enough to be the ice cream monitor in fourth grade. I'll always be the ice cream thief (true story!).

 

Do acts in our past have to rule us today? Sure, they can. IMO, they don't have to.

 

Think about the most heinous and anti-social or violent act one has committed in their life. None of us are immune. Does that define you? Rule you? IDK. I guess we each decide that for ourselves.

 

I've been with a few women and was married to one. I have no verifiable idea whether they cheated or not or whether they lied or not. I do know, when I was having an EA, I introduced my exW to the person and they interacted independently. She might not have trusted me on other matters but could trust with authority on that one. There was no ambiguity. It was right in her face and with purpose. Would I do it again? Probably not. Then again, I won't be marrying a woman ever again either.

 

That makes sense actually.

 

Once you've done something you'll always have done it as you cant undo it.

 

A very extreme example but once you have committed murder, you'll always be a murderer. You cant undo what you've done.

[deadelvis]

Right. But I like to believe that we often do things as a result of the situations we are in. When I was in bad situations in the past I did things I would never do now. Just because you stole some ice cream in 4th grade doesn't mean you are a thief today. I was emotionally abusive to a woman I dated about 10-12 years ago because our relationship was terrible and she was a lying POS. Does that mean I will be emotionally abusive to my current partner? No of course not. My behavior was a reaction to the situation I was in. I heard it once described that people are unique, but we are all subject to the same basic emotional responses. And those emotional responses are predictable based on the situation we are in. When you start objectively looking at the situation someone is in and anticipate their emotional response to that situation, their behavior can be predicted and the outcome isn't so mysterious. Example. A girl is out with her girlfriends and she finds out her boyfriend has been talking with his ex and lying about it. Her emotional response is predictable. Her actions then also become little more than a reaction to her emotional response. It's a safe bet that after finding out her boyfriend has been lying and talking to his ex, she will spend all night flirting with other guys, and perhaps if she drinks enough, even cheating on her boyfriend. It's easy to just dismiss this as "oh well she was probably always a cheater, but just needed the right situation" but the reality is much different. People generally just react to the situation. She felt hurt, betrayed, jealous, angry, sad, etc. Did she cheat on her boyfriend because of some inherent character flaw or merely as an emotional response to her situation? Just my observations on this.

[Amelie1980]

Right. But I like to believe that we often do things as a result of the situations we are in. When I was in bad situations in the past I did things I would never do now. Just because you stole some ice cream in 4th grade doesn't mean you are a thief today. I was emotionally abusive to a woman I dated about 10-12 years ago because our relationship was terrible and she was a lying POS. Does that mean I will be emotionally abusive to my current partner? No of course not. My behavior was a reaction to the situation I was in. I heard it once described that people are unique, but we are all subject to the same basic emotional responses. And those emotional responses are predictable based on the situation we are in. When you start objectively looking at the situation someone is in and anticipate their emotional response to that situation, their behavior can be predicted and the outcome isn't so mysterious. Example. A girl is out with her girlfriends and she finds out her boyfriend has been talking with his ex and lying about it. Her emotional response is predictable. Her actions then also become little more than a reaction to her emotional response. It's a safe bet that after finding out her boyfriend has been lying and talking to his ex, she will spend all night flirting with other guys, and perhaps if she drinks enough, even cheating on her boyfriend. It's easy to just dismiss this as "oh well she was probably always a cheater, but just needed the right situation" but the reality is much different. People generally just react to the situation. She felt hurt, betrayed, jealous, angry, sad, etc. Did she cheat on her boyfriend because of some inherent character flaw or merely as an emotional response to her situation? Just my observations on this.

 

Is it an emotional reaction or just who you are though?

 

Sometimes yes.

 

That guy I spoke of though....he had his first gf at 20 and eventually cheated on her. Had his next relationship from 28-34 and they broke up several times as he cheated on her among other things.

 

He sleeps around whilst single and uses and lies to women to get what he wants.

 

He is 34 and far too old for this s**t.

 

IMO with my guy, it isnt about not having found the right person, it is about personality. That is just who he is.

Edited August 13, 2015 by Amelie1980

[qubist]

He is 34 and far too old for this s**t.

 

IMO with my guy, it isnt about not having found the right person, it is about personality. That is just who he is.

you are right, and as long as he goes with the same mentality, he will always be a cheater. I believe that people change but not magically. most of us (men) pass through the same cycle of dealing with sexuality from teenage till manhood, but some of us get stack a one of the stages and never moves. your guy is 34 but still stuck at 21 he hasn't grown up, unless he fixes this he will have trouble committing to a relationship.

[LivingDeadGrl]

My ex is now 37 and has cheated in all of his relationships including the one with me. He told me I was different because he only cheated on me with one girl, his ex wife (who he was still married to at the time, but separated). He said that "was different though". To me it wasn't, it still hurt all the same.

Maybe he has gone down in the number of women he cheats with, but he has not stopped the constant flirting, gawking, inappropriate friendships and comments he has always done. I was his "dream girl" according to him, and he had wanted me for years.

If he can't at 37, change for his "dream girl", he won't change for anyone. Not even his ex wife who he still says he has a "special bond" with.

At 34, he most likely won't change either. At this age this is about their personality flaws. I believe my ex needs the constant attention and ego boosts from other women because he has low self esteem. Maybe it is the same for your ex.

[Amelie1980]

My ex is now 37 and has cheated in all of his relationships including the one with me. He told me I was different because he only cheated on me with one girl, his ex wife (who he was still married to at the time, but separated). He said that "was different though". To me it wasn't, it still hurt all the same.

Maybe he has gone down in the number of women he cheats with, but he has not stopped the constant flirting, gawking, inappropriate friendships and comments he has always done. I was his "dream girl" according to him, and he had wanted me for years.

If he can't at 37, change for his "dream girl", he won't change for anyone. Not even his ex wife who he still says he has a "special bond" with.

At 34, he most likely won't change either. At this age this is about their personality flaws. I believe my ex needs the constant attention and ego boosts from other women because he has low self esteem. Maybe it is the same for your ex.

 

I think my ex does have low self esteem. And severe boundary issues and alot of problems.

 

he said fairly early on, marriage isnt for me. I looked back over his dating profile and it justified cheating by saying cheating means you are not dating the right person.

 

Towards the end he did some morally reprehensible things that were outrageous. I realised he had no integrity at all.

 

I still miss him though. Go knows why.

[LivingDeadGrl]

I think my ex does have low self esteem. And severe boundary issues and alot of problems.

 

he said fairly early on, marriage isnt for me. I looked back over his dating profile and it justified cheating by saying cheating means you are not dating the right person.

 

Towards the end he did some morally reprehensible things that were outrageous. I realised he had no integrity at all.

 

I still miss him though. Go knows why.

 

Mine also did a lot of things toward the end that showed how little I mean to him. No integrity whatsoever.

He also said he will never ever get married again, and that he was told at a young age to "f*ck them all, marry none"... Well he did get married, and did cheat on her several times, and then left her.

 

I miss mine also, even just having him there to cuddle at night. I can't wait until I can actually say "What was I thinking?" The emotional abuse damage is still fresh though