Author Amelie1980 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Share Posted August 13, 2015 Mine also did a lot of things toward the end that showed how little I mean to him. No integrity whatsoever. He also said he will never ever get married again, and that he was told at a young age to "f*ck them all, marry none"... Well he did get married, and did cheat on her several times, and then left her. I miss mine also, even just having him there to cuddle at night. I can't wait until I can actually say "What was I thinking?" The emotional abuse damage is still fresh though abuse is what I would call it too. I dont think he ever cared about anyone but himself. Scarily he thinks he is a good guy though and doesnt get why he repels people. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingDeadGrl Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 abuse is what I would call it too. I dont think he ever cared about anyone but himself. Scarily he thinks he is a good guy though and doesnt get why he repels people. Nope. Men like them only care about themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 LivingDeadGirl is a great name BTW. Sorry for both of your luck. I hope you find an honest man who will be loyal to you. They are out there. Don't let a few bad apples ruin your whole outlook on men 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Past is prologue. If they've made a habit of it, then a pattern of behavior has been established that they are comfortable with. That has been my experience with cheaters. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingDeadGrl Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 LivingDeadGirl is a great name BTW. Sorry for both of your luck. I hope you find an honest man who will be loyal to you. They are out there. Don't let a few bad apples ruin your whole outlook on men Thank you and I have not given up, I know there are good ones out there! Just need to stop finding the wolves in sheeps clothing lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 deep down we know that some people have a tendency to cheat. we just lie to our selves. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Sleeping around and having casual sex doesn't make them a cheater. Constant cheating during long term relationship, yes there is a problem here. They should be avoided. It's not until they come to terms with their actions, and take responsibility for it, acknowledging whole hearty what they did was wrong, maybe then there is hope for them. A friend of my was a serial cheater....the issues were rooted in depression, insecurities, and low self worth. They cheated to feel desired and valued. It was so bad, it was like an addiction to keep boosting their self esteem. Finally with therapy, and anti-depressants the cheating stopped. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 I am also wondering the answer to this. My partner cheated on her last BF of 4 years with about 7 different guys, some were long running affairs. She also had a lot of cybersex, sending nudes to men etc. during that relationship. She was very promiscuous when single, mostly FWB's and ONS's. A few short relationships. She did lot's of "questionable" things, both single and when cheating on her last BF. She swears that it was in the past and she would never cheat on me or do anything like that. I believe her but it's hard to get past her cheating on her ex so often. Her logic is "it's not fair to judge a person based on their past, you wouldn't judge your partner for the things they did when they were single (ONS's, FWB's etc.) so why is it fair to judge them based on things they did in a relationship? People can change" OH YES YOU CAN JUDGE A PERSON BY THEIR PAST!!!! If their past is significant... like your partner, that would raise a HUGE red flag for me. Heck I dated someone with a past similar to your's but not NEARLY as bad, and the results killed our relationship. But only because she never had a good relationship (but way too many marriages and boyfriends) and developed some personality disorders because of that, that ruined it for us... and since I left her she has another serious failure within two months! Now, a few minor discrepancies, yes, you can put that behind. However, if you can make it work, best to you (and hope it does for your sake). Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Even if they truly didn't cheat anymore (which I doubt), I wouldn't want to deal with the extra baggage most ex-serial cheaters bring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 This comes down to why the person cheated in the first place and whether or not they learn from their mistakes. Sure, people can change their actions, but most psychiatrists do not believe that you can change someone's core personality. Hence, most do not believe that personality disorders can be cured. If a person happens to make one mistake, learn from it, make amends, etc; it's a different situation than a person who is known to have impulse control, empathy or histrionic type issues. For the most part, it really is "once a cheater, always a cheater" but there are some exceptions. Most cheaters are just blantantly obvious bad people, but we tend overlook these characteristics because we're blinded by crazy making, lovey dovey brain chemicals. Even if Michael Jackson swore to you that he'd never touch another kid, would you let him baby sit for you? Exactly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 Thank you and I have not given up, I know there are good ones out there! Just need to stop finding the wolves in sheeps clothing lol This comes down to why the person cheated in the first place and whether or not they learn from their mistakes. Sure, people can change their actions, but most psychiatrists do not believe that you can change someone's core personality. Hence, most do not believe that personality disorders can be cured. If a person happens to make one mistake, learn from it, make amends, etc; it's a different situation than a person who is known to have impulse control, empathy or histrionic type issues. For the most part, it really is "once a cheater, always a cheater" but there are some exceptions. Most cheaters are just blantantly obvious bad people, but we tend overlook these characteristics because we're blinded by crazy making, lovey dovey brain chemicals. Even if Michael Jackson swore to you that he'd never touch another kid, would you let him baby sit for you? Exactly. People dont change that much. As we have already identified, beyond a certain age when you can no longer blame it on the recklessness of being a 20 year old, it is pretty much who you are. People who have cheated multiple times and still doing it well into their 30's...that's a personality issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 People can change and learn from their mistakes and TRY to avoid them. I said try to avoid not avoid. not all mistakes are equals some of them are just wrong acts due little knowledge or just a faulty behavior. but other mistakes are a result of personality flaws so unless these flaws are address trying to avoid the same mistake will not be possible. Cheating is one of those mistakes that reflects personalty flaws, lot of cheaters recognize they did wrong and really try to avoid cheating but never address the reasons behind the cheating so they fall for it again and that's where the saying " once a cheater always one" come from. A big question though - is does the person actually view the cheating as a mistake? And I am not talking about what they SAY to you when they are caught, because they say whatever they have to. I am talking about actions. If a person is sorry for what they did, they will be ashamed, regretful, begging for forgiveness, open, understanding, and loving. If a person is not sorry, they will go on as if nothing has happened (because it hasn't for them - this is just who they are), and will be angry if you keep bringing it up or expect them to be open to you looking at their phone, email, asking questions, etc. They may even blame YOU for their cheating, so that you will shut up about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." - Maya Angelou Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 A big question though - is does the person actually view the cheating as a mistake? And I am not talking about what they SAY to you when they are caught, because they say whatever they have to. I am talking about actions. If a person is sorry for what they did, they will be ashamed, regretful, begging for forgiveness, open, understanding, and loving. If a person is not sorry, they will go on as if nothing has happened (because it hasn't for them - this is just who they are), and will be angry if you keep bringing it up or expect them to be open to you looking at their phone, email, asking questions, etc. They may even blame YOU for their cheating, so that you will shut up about it. There's a reason for cheating, and it may be precipitated by the betrayed party. Lot's of reasons... and it could be a one time thing. Doesn't mean the cheater is a serial cheater, and they may never cheat again, depending on the circumstances. People do change. Does happen. I've been thru it. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) Whether or not someone views it as a mistake is irrelevant. I know people who have been busted for driving while intoxicated more than once and I'm sure they would say each time was a mistake. Plenty of cheaters on here knew they were making a mistake and continued to do it. The real issue is core personality stuff. People with empathy can make "mistakes" but they're usually so ridden with guilt that they can't hardly live with themselves. By all accounts, OPs situation is far from that. OP described a serial cheat who has a history of doing this in multiple relationships. If you want to take a chance with someone like that, by all means, go for it. However, you forfeit your right to be upset if something happens. Very rarely in life do you get warned that someone has that kind of evil inside of them. If someone killed a few people here and there and the decided they weren't going to kill anymore, I still probably wouldn't want them as a roommate. Maybe they can come live at your place? We can go on and on, but the truth is that past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior and we all know that. Sure, you can take your chances and meet your new partner from the prison pen-pal program, but you just have to accept that they are a criminal and will most likely reoffend. If you're okay with that, that's your own business. You just can't act surprised when they rob a liquor store. Edited August 17, 2015 by HereNorThere 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." - Maya Angelou Great quote. I totally agree and it definitely applies to this situation. "I used to give cheaters the benefit of the doubt, but now that I know better, I do better by not associating with them." Good to see we're in agreement. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Even so it shows poor impulse control and lack of integrity. Even if they didnt go out looking for it.....since when was it was his/her idea or s/he started it ever an acceptable defence fora grown adult?! If the cheater was hunted it simply shows that they will not resist temptation in the future and are easily led. Makes a poor partner in my opinion either way. Indeed, neither is good, but the point is, if they were the hunter or the hunted, it is a very important question to consider if your deciding to give them another chance or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amelie1980 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 A big question though - is does the person actually view the cheating as a mistake? And I am not talking about what they SAY to you when they are caught, because they say whatever they have to. I am talking about actions. If a person is sorry for what they did, they will be ashamed, regretful, begging for forgiveness, open, understanding, and loving. If a person is not sorry, they will go on as if nothing has happened (because it hasn't for them - this is just who they are), and will be angry if you keep bringing it up or expect them to be open to you looking at their phone, email, asking questions, etc. They may even blame YOU for their cheating, so that you will shut up about it. The guy I was involved with didnt really seem to view his cheating as a mistake. He justified the cheating in his first relationship. He said it was because he thought the relationship was no longer right for him but didnt know how to break up. Nice. So he really hurt his gf by stringing her along while sleeping around. He said on a dating profile when I met him that cheating is sometimes understandable but it is an indication you are not dating the right person. Wow. Nice way to rationalize cheating. When I caught him out he was angry and deflected it all away from himself and started moaning about his problems to make me feel sorry for him and he treated me like the abuser. It was chilling. He just wanted off the hook. He had hurt me but his reaction was to try and make me feel sorry for him. Another thing to factor in is that cheating is almost always done in cold blood. It's harder to do in the heat of the moment as it involves a certain amount of planning so you don't get caught. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Indeed, neither is good, but the point is, if they were the hunter or the hunted, it is a very important question to consider if your deciding to give them another chance or not. No, no it's not. Any partner that it's even remotely attractive will be hunted from the time they wake up till the time they go to sleep. They'll be hunted at the coffee shop, their work, their gym, their social media accounts, hell, even their places of worship. If the only thing keeping you from cheating is opportunity, you'll never succeed at monogamy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 If the only thing keeping you from cheating is opportunity, you'll never succeed at monogamy. I have to say, this is pretty profound. More and more, I am increasingly convinced that motivation matters A LOT Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 I have to say, this is pretty profound. More and more, I am increasingly convinced that motivation matters A LOT Yes motivation can have a strong affect, but that doesn't mean one cannot guide the motivation and eliminate a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 The Truth: Experts generally agree that "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't a universal truth. It might only apply when the problems center on an individual, rather than the relationship as a whole. That is, studies have found that specific traits, like narcissism, risk-loving, and commitment-phobia, are all linked to infidelity. If people are repeat offenders, it generally means that they’ve been lying about other things, too. In these cases, you’re not talking about being unfaithful; you’re talking about narcissism. If this is the first instance of infidelity, however, and it is the only breach of trust that has occurred in your relationship, it's not a foregone conclusion that your partner will cheat again. Some people are repeat offenders and philanderers,but the majority of people who cheat are quite faithful for years before they actually have an affair. Granted, the people who would seek out relationship counseling are more likely to work towards a thriving, healthy marriage and confront the issues that caused them to cheat instead of just ignoring them. But research has found that people who score high on "agreeableness" and "conscientiousness" are less likely to cheat — and to that end, less likely to repeat the infidelity if they do. But, if you find yourself dating someone who has cheated multiple times, it might not be that you're dating a "natural cheater," per se — you're just dating a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
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