SO's coworker flirts with him, don't know if I should speak up

[username1356]

Some background, I kind of wacked out a few months ago and got super insecure and borderline controlling. He pushed through it and now we're over that. Everything has been good for the past 3 or so months. Except he takes my interpetation of events regarding his interactions with other girls with a grain of salt and usually gets quite annoyed easily.

 

Current situation:

He has a coworker who is 10 years older than him who obviously flirts with him, at least to me it's insanely obvious. He brushes it off because he thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I will say that I absolutely 100% trust that he's not attracted to her. There's nothing about her that he would ever find attractive and he doesn't do anything sneaky like text her and not show me the texts or hide anything. I do trust that there's nothing going on. Even when I was in anxiety overload, I never saw her as a threat and I still don't. My problem is her actions and how he doesn't address that it's inappriorate.

 

The first situation occurred when I was out of two for 2 weeks. She suggested they hang out and "turn up". He went along with it and then told me later that day (although he admitted he thought about waiting until I got back to tell me because he didn't want me to worry that he'd do it before I got back). I immediately got upset because that seemed insanely disrespectful considering she knew I was out of town. He said it was harmless because she said it to him and another male coworker, suggesting they all hang out but the next day he told her that he would be up for it once I got back and she seemed okay with it. Although funny enough, always flaked out last minute.

 

One day he finally told her "don't make plans with us again if you and (other male coworker) are just going to flake out" and she responded saying she'll make it up to him. That was weird, at least to me, and he just responded "what". She dropped it. I guess it was awkward for her after that. A few days later she drove up here (she doesn't live far though) at 12 at night (when he got off) to give him some free weed to make up for not hanging out.

 

I thought that was a little weird but I let it go. Then one day something happened at work, so she immediately started calling. At 2am in the morning, my boyfriend was immediately annoyed by it as he hates phone calls. So he just texted "just text it like a normal person wtf" and she proceeded to call 4 more times, until he finally answered (with me in the room, like I said he's 100% not trying to hide anything). It took about 10 minutes, and I was slightly annoyed because calling a taken man late a night seems a little disrespectful when she could just text it.

 

Now for the main things. A few days ago, we walked up to the store and she was working. She's immediately all happy to see him. (Let's say his name is Bruce). "Bruce!!! BRUCEY!!! Get your ass over here" so we walk over there and she's like "am I going to work with you any this week" and he's like "no. I'm working night" and she immediately takes him into the room where the schedules are (where I can't enter but I can see) and all excitedly points "no see! You come in when I get off. See!" and then proceeds to hug him. He didn't hug her back and afterwards he said it was a little weird and made him mad because knew it would make me mad and admitted if the situation was reversed he'd be pretty mad but then didn't say anything about fixing it. We went in a few minutes later to get something and realized we both forgot our wallets so she let him use her card (we could just walk back home and get the money and walk back). Then comes over to talk some more. She starts telling some story and then to imitate an action in the story she takes her finger and rubs it across my boyfriend's stomach. I didn't say anything but that really annoyed me.

 

We talked a little bit afterwards but he immediately got annoyed and said that I was making a big deal out of nothing, that she wasn't being flirty, that she was just being normal since they were pretty good friends and hadn't really worked together in about a month. He said she's never like that usually. And I pretty much let it drop

 

Then today, she texts him saying "I got a little something for you". (Obviously talking about weed again, that she's just going to give to him like a gift for no reason). He didn't respond.

 

I really feel like maybe he's just minimizing it because he doesn't want me to have any reason to go back to being super anxious and I'm not going to. Not over this. Nothing he has done himself has suggested anything weird. The problem is, I really feel like she's disrespecting me and my relationship with him. I feel that she probably has a crush on him and I'm unsure if I should mention to him that it really gets under my skin. I'm mostly angry because I know if the situation was reversed, I would never let someone behave like that. I feel like he gets annoyed because it's insanely obvious he doesn't like her. Should I just let it go and be happy that someone wants what I have or should I talk to him about "putting her in place"? If so, how could I do it without putting him on the defensive or coming across as though I think something is going on? Any suggestions on what he can do about her behavior without causing tension or making things awkward with his work friend?

[LoveRefreshed]

Super awkward. He sounds like he's just being to nice to shut it down. I mean, even if I was single, I would be thinking "how do I make it any more clear I'm uninterested, other then outright telling her to back off".. It can be awkward after that and have to work with her too, but I'd still do it. Especially if my girlfriend was feeling uncomfortable by it.

 

It's hard because a person can be a kind person and you don't want to be a dick... but sometimes you gotta. If he doesn't do it, just start making her a bit more jealous. Kiss him in front of her, for example. When I see a guy trying to cross a line flirting, I will sometimes go up and put my arm around her and join the conversation. Guys have a hard time flirting in front of a girl's boyfriend... =D Maybe it's the same for women.

[username1356]

Super awkward. He sounds like he's just being to nice to shut it down. I mean, even if I was single, I would be thinking "how do I make it any more clear I'm uninterested, other then outright telling her to back off".. It can be awkward after that and have to work with her too, but I'd still do it. Especially if my girlfriend was feeling uncomfortable by it.

 

It's hard because a person can be a kind person and you don't want to be a dick... but sometimes you gotta. If he doesn't do it, just start making her a bit more jealous. Kiss him in front of her, for example. When I see a guy trying to cross a line flirting, I will sometimes go up and put my arm around her and join the conversation. Guys have a hard time flirting in front of a girl's boyfriend... =D Maybe it's the same for women.

 

Yeah that's how I look at it. I'd never let someone act like that. It also seems though she gets WORSE if I'm there. He said she's never hugged him before that day I was there or even touched him. It really seemed like she was purposely trying to piss me off. The only thing I can get him to agree to is if we hang out with her, he'd be extra affectionate in hopes that she'll get the message.

[LoveRefreshed]

May not be the best advice, but I've had girls do this to me when I had gf. She basically said "You say something or I will." That's usually a good motivator (if not, he's kind of a pussy) and if he doesn't the next time she does that, just ask her why she feels it necessary to hug him when he clearly is uncomfortable by it. don't even act jealous, just say it like that and she'll probably get super embarrassed.

[anna121]

I guess what strikes me about this is the focus in your post on her disrespect of you.

 

Does she know you at all? Are you friends?

 

I think the real issue here is her disregard for HIS boundaries. Not yours. Now, I agree that her behaviour sounds off. But, if he isn't willing to be much sharper about nipping it in the bud I think it is projection to then make it about you.

 

Frankly, it sounds like he doesn't want a source for weed to dry up. That's on him, though. Not her.

[username1356]

May not be the best advice, but I've had girls do this to me when I had gf. She basically said "You say something or I will." That's usually a good motivator (if not, he's kind of a pussy) and if he doesn't the next time she does that, just ask her why she feels it necessary to hug him when he clearly is uncomfortable by it. don't even act jealous, just say it like that and she'll probably get super embarrassed.

 

I feel like he'd also be embarrassed if I do that but I'm really considering it

[username1356]

I guess what strikes me about this is the focus in your post on her disrespect of you.

 

Does she know you at all? Are you friends?

 

I think the real issue here is her disregard for HIS boundaries. Not yours. Now, I agree that her behaviour sounds off. But, if he isn't willing to be much sharper about nipping it in the bud I think it is projection to then make it about you.

 

Frankly, it sounds like he doesn't want a source for weed to dry up. That's on him, though. Not her.

 

I mainly started feeling like she was disrespecting me intentionally by the way she acted in front of me when according to him, she never does that. It seemed like she was intentionally trying to piss me off

[LoveRefreshed]

It's not about whether or not it is disrespectful to you or him, IMO, but how it is disrespectful to your relationship. Either case, I feel that she is probably trying to make you jealous (and it seems to work) so that it may cause turmoil and make him 'available'. That is why he should just tell her that regardless of you, he's not interested in her.

[username1356]

It's not about whether or not it is disrespectful to you or him, IMO, but how it is disrespectful to your relationship. Either case, I feel that she is probably trying to make you jealous (and it seems to work) so that it may cause turmoil and make him 'available'. That is why he should just tell her that regardless of you, he's not interested in her.

 

I suggested that he just start saying stuff like "why are you acting weird" when she does it and he said he would but he also won't really acknowledge that she was being flirty so idk

[qubist]

It's not about whether or not it is disrespectful to you or him, IMO, but how it is disrespectful to your relationship. Either case, I feel that she is probably trying to make you jealous (and it seems to work) so that it may cause turmoil and make him 'available'. That is why he should just tell her that regardless of you, he's not interested in her.

I agree with you she s trying to make her jealous, because she is jealous.

username1356: this lady's actions are most likely not innocent, she flirt with him even in front of you, he knows it too BTW I find it very hard to believe that a man can't recognize a dirty flirt from another woman. he might have no interest but most men like to be "liked" by other women ,it's just in our DNA look at it a woman that shows admiration in different ways and even bring you weed who doesn't like that that's why he is pulling up with her even when she calls at 2:00 am. with that being said you should be concerned but act smartly. do not be the " bad person" maybe that's what she's looking for like LoveRefreshed said; she want you to act bad.

1- Keep talking to him but Do not accuse him because Human in general can go defensive when accused. just tell him that you need his help to be secure and need assurance from him. trust me this is a better approach than " YOU GOTTA STOP THIS NOW" approach.

2- point out that her behavior is unacceptable and set boundaries. tell him that you feel disrespected and demand some rules like No calls after a certain time for example 10:00 Pm or whatever you feel, no hanging out with her outside of work, no weed delivered by her to your house. you can add to the list.

just be patient and smart

[username1356]

I agree with you she s trying to make her jealous, because she is jealous.

username1356: this lady's actions are most likely not innocent, she flirt with him even in front of you, he knows it too BTW I find it very hard to believe that a man can't recognize a dirty flirt from another woman. he might have no interest but most men like to be "liked" by other women ,it's just in our DNA look at it a woman that shows admiration in different ways and even bring you weed who doesn't like that that's why he is pulling up with her even when she calls at 2:00 am. with that being said you should be concerned but act smartly. do not be the " bad person" maybe that's what she's looking for like LoveRefreshed said; she want you to act bad.[/Quote]

 

Makes sense. It's either that or due to how unattractive she is and her age, he doesn't think of anything she does as flirty because he looks at her as if she's a guy who works with him or just brushes it off. I'm really hoping it's not the admiration thing because if he's the type of person who'd have that type of attitude, of liking her admiration to the point of letting her be disrespectful, what would he do if she were attractive and acting this way?

 

1- Keep talking to him but Do not accuse him because Human in general can go defensive when accused. just tell him that you need his help to be secure and need assurance from him. trust me this is a better approach than " YOU GOTTA STOP THIS NOW" approach.

2- point out that her behavior is unacceptable and set boundaries. tell him that you feel disrespected and demand some rules like No calls after a certain time for example 10:00 Pm or whatever you feel, no hanging out with her outside of work, no weed delivered by her to your house. you can add to the list.

just be patient and smart

 

Good advice. So far all I've given him is if she tries to touch him, for him to just act weirded out by it like "what are you doing? don't touch me" because I don't want things to be awkward for him at work, and due to his personality she wouldn't think he was being rude, just honest. But it would also set the line, he doesn't want to be touched by her therefore he's not interested.

[qubist]

Good advice. So far all I've given him is if she tries to touch him, for him to just act weirded out by it like "what are you doing? don't touch me" because I don't want things to be awkward for him at work, and due to his personality she wouldn't think he was being rude, just honest. But it would also set the line, he doesn't want to be touched by her therefore he's not interested.

I had a friend who was in a similar situation, he worked in a store just like your H his wife was a stay-home mom taking care of his 3 kids, they were bit struggling financially so he couldn't do all things he wanted like drinking as often as he wanted, and just like your H a coworker who was really unattractive, I don't mean to sound rude or disrespectful, but when I saw her picture naked I almost trow up I was like really man, any way the girl was too friendly to my friend bringing him gifts and stuff and buying him alcohol, he had no interest on her( I can't imagine anyone would) but fell for it he even started going out with her to bars then to her house. the girl tried similar techniques like your H's coworker, she wanted to get his wife jealous so they would break up, she somehow found her cell and sent her pictures of them together having fun at a bar and in her apartment she even sent a naked picture of her just to tease her, that was bold and ugly.

lucky his wife was a wise and very patient woman that could've ended their marriage, she call me and told me about everything and showed me the pictures , I was shocked first because couldn't understand why would he cheat on his lovely wife with someone like that. she told me that she confronted him he denied any sexual R with the OM but was offended by the accusations, After i sat with him he confess that all he wanted a break from the struggle of life and of course some tequila shots. he ended up ending his R with OW even transferring to a different store. and get right back to his mind and his family.

I'm not telling this story to make you worry . I just find it similar, and want you to be aware of some potential risks. my friend wanted Alcohol you H like weed, I don't know if he is dependent on her bringing him weed and she is using it as a "leach" to keep him around.

[username1356]

I had a friend who was in a similar situation, he worked in a store just like your H his wife was a stay-home mom taking care of his 3 kids, they were bit struggling financially so he couldn't do all things he wanted like drinking as often as he wanted, and just like your H a coworker who was really unattractive, I don't mean to sound rude or disrespectful, but when I saw her picture naked I almost trow up I was like really man, any way the girl was too friendly to my friend bringing him gifts and stuff and buying him alcohol, he had no interest on her( I can't imagine anyone would) but fell for it he even started going out with her to bars then to her house. the girl tried similar techniques like your H's coworker, she wanted to get his wife jealous so they would break up, she somehow found her cell and sent her pictures of them together having fun at a bar and in her apartment she even sent a naked picture of her just to tease her, that was bold and ugly.

lucky his wife was a wise and very patient woman that could've ended their marriage, she call me and told me about everything and showed me the pictures , I was shocked first because couldn't understand why would he cheat on his lovely wife with someone like that. she told me that she confronted him he denied any sexual R with the OM but was offended by the accusations, After i sat with him he confess that all he wanted a break from the struggle of life and of course some tequila shots. he ended up ending his R with OW even transferring to a different store. and get right back to his mind and his family.

I'm not telling this story to make you worry . I just find it similar, and want you to be aware of some potential risks. my friend wanted Alcohol you H like weed, I don't know if he is dependent on her bringing him weed and she is using it as a "leach" to keep him around.

 

It does sound pretty similar except at present time we have an understanding that he's never going to hang out with her alone. At this point he doesn't even text her to have conversations, just a few times about weed or hanging out and I have his phone more than he does lol. Fortunately, he's not dependent on her for weed and she's only ever given it to him once. I could see how if me and him weren't by nature jealous people, he could fall into something like that though because he could just brush it off as "she's ugly and I'm not attracted to her, so nothing's wrong" and not really think about how she's interpreting everything.

[qubist]

It does sound pretty similar except at present time we have an understanding that he's never going to hang out with her alone. At this point he doesn't even text her to have conversations, just a few times about weed or hanging out and I have his phone more than he does lol. Fortunately, he's not dependent on her for weed and she's only ever given it to him once. I could see how if me and him weren't by nature jealous people, he could fall into something like that though because he could just brush it off as "she's ugly and I'm not attracted to her, so nothing's wrong" and not really think about how she's interpreting everything.

it is good that you agreed he won't hang out with her alone, that's setting the boundaries I talked about earlier. I'm wondering if you have agreed on any more boundaries.

It's OK to be Jealous, in fact it is natural. just don't let it control you. the biggest mistake we make is instead of accepting jealousy and acting upon it we fight it instead. and if you fight jealousy you will loose just like any other natural instinct. I think you are in a controllable situation but stay vigilant, understand that even if you were competing with that girl over your SO. you are in a much favorable position to beat her a$$. just be honest with you SO about your feelings including jealousy

[Lois_Griffin]

I find it a bit odd that he does his best to act like she's nothing more than an irritant to him but the minute you go out of town, he's up for hanging out with her.

 

Secondly, why does she have his phone number?

So he just texted "just text it like a normal person wtf

I have to say this is such an ignorant statement. It's NOT what 'normal' people do if they need to reach someone at 2 am. Long before texting came on the scene, people actually had to CALL each other.

 

It's pretty clear he's playing her just enough to get free weed. Of course, he acts like he cant stand her in front of YOU, but was up for hanging out with her when you were out of town.

[username1356]

I find it a bit odd that he does his best to act like she's nothing more than an irritant to him but the minute you go out of town, he's up for hanging out with her.

 

Secondly, why does she have his phone number?

 

I have to say this is such an ignorant statement. It's NOT what 'normal' people do if they need to reach someone at 2 am. Long before texting came on the scene, people actually had to CALL each other.

 

It's pretty clear he's playing her just enough to get free weed. Of course, he acts like he cant stand her in front of YOU, but was up for hanging out with her when you were out of town.

 

I might have been a little unclear. He doesn't really act like she's an irritant. He admits that she's his work friend and that out of the people there she's one of the coolest.

 

I wouldn't say it's an ignorant statement considering for our generation it is what a lot of people do.

 

I also may have been a little unclear, he wasn't up for hanging out with her before I got back. It was just weird to me that she suggested it then. He made the plans with her for the day after I came back. And she has his number so that they could figure out plans, like who was coming, when she was gonna be ready etc.

[qubist]

username 1356: as long a you don't let jealousy beat you up you will be fine. I hope you understand the deference between acting upon jealousy and fighting it. I think you already know your plan of action here. I know that woman is no match to you in this "competition" but just stay vigilant

[username1356]

username 1356: as long a you don't let jealousy beat you up you will be fine. I hope you understand the deference between acting upon jealousy and fighting it. I think you already know your plan of action here. I know that woman is no match to you in this "competition" but just stay vigilant

 

Yeah I won't. I'm not really jealous. I just feel annoyed by the whole thing because she had the audacity to do that and he didn't immediately stop it.

 

 

A little update though: after going to work yesterday with her still there (she got off when he came in) he finally admits she's being weird now. He said he wasn't really talking to her because of how I felt and she kept pestering him up until she left about why he was grumpy

[smackie9]

They probably have a dynamic that is hidden, that would explain why he isn't putting his foot down. He ignores her when you are there, and she is proving a point that he acts differently when they are alone and it irritates her too. Is it jealousy between you two? could be. But it's all a stupid game....a pissing match.

 

If YOU give her a negative reaction to her actions, she will keep doing it. So try putting on a smile, be cheerful to her and ignore what she is doing.....once she sees it's no longer working, she's going to not bother with it.