180 degree flip in a matter of days

[PapaG]

Really it sounds like the ball is in your court, it sounds like you can still have fun with her and hang out, and also date other women. Its all about how you clearly paint a picture of what a situation like that could look like. Honesty is key. There are plenty of women out there so have fun while you're young!

[UltimaWeapon]

I think ur missing the point here- I tried to see her in person to fix our situation- she does not want too- she keeps avoiding it. I can't see her if she isn't willing to make time for that to happen. So it isn't in my court at all at this point.

 

So the situation has reached a standstill and my only option is to walk away now and let her miss me

 

Should I remove her off social media ? (I was never a fan of doing this)

Edited August 4, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[RebelWithoutACause]

Why do you even want her back? I didn't pick up much "love" for her in any of your posts. You've called her lots of not very nice things tho.

 

You come off as angry and controlling and probably the only reason why you want her back is because she dared to say "no" which bruised your over-inflated ego. Everything you've done since is try to manipulate her into getting back with you so that you can feel in control again.

 

You can't fix this situation but you can work on fixing your controlling tendencies.

[UltimaWeapon]

We have amazing chemistry and I feel like I know her for ages. She makes me extremely happy wen we are together and we can talk about anything all day everyday. We are from the same country and background, we like similar things, share common interests, we just have a great time whenever we are together. I feel strong feelings for her and they definitely developed substantially since we started seeing each other. I can't get her off my mind since all of this happened

 

 

I invested 6 months into this because I felt she was right for me - even wit some of the red flags I ignored- we def never had any issues before this. But ever since this argument she has acted completely different and essentially put the blame on me for all of this that is why I tried everything in my power to show her how much I care about us. She just does not want to meet up with me to discuss this in person. What else can I do? I'm extremely hurt and upset over all this and I don't know how to approach it anymore; yet a part of me still wants to fight for it. My appetite the past month has been awful, I feel horrible, I have trouble sleeping, I miss her and at the same time am disgusted by how she has acted towards me - I'm so conflicted..it's affecting my health completely

 

 

I don't know what to do anymore - but I know if we saw each other in person it could be fixed if we actually talked it all over....at least if I had that opportunity to TRY but I can't even get that ....how am I suppose to react? She lives down the street from me now too..it's really takin a toll on me emotionally

Edited August 4, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[UltimaWeapon]

It's been 8 days now of NO CONTACT

 

I have tried to keep busy since the argument happened and since she said she was done with the situation and was too stressed out to want to fix things now.

 

I even went to another nearby city for a friends birthday and posted pictures, etc to show that I am out there living my life.

 

Since I have been back it's hit me again that she is literally down the street from me and that is having a really big impact on me and how I am handling all of this.

 

I am just really hurt by the fact that even a month after our argument and like 2-3 weeks since shes ended it- she has not wanted to meet up in person to at least just discuss everything. She knows what it is I want now and because of that I feel she has total power over me or so she thinks.

 

That is why I have been full NO CONTACT because I realized continuing to try and talk to her or try to get her to see me was not doing anything but just making us go in circles. This is the first time in 6 months that we have went this long without talking to each other. We would talk everyday- all day

 

I am really hurt that someone who I finally made such a huge commitment too- and decided she was the person I wanted an actual real RELATIONSHIP with and to give her the title of my GF could just ghost me like that as if I mean nothing to her- and just put me to the side and not only that she questioned me completley after the argument and basically told me indirectly she thinks shes better than me and that I am lower than her.

 

A 21 year old telling a 24 year old she is more established and knows what she wants in life...typical...

 

I also feel like her moving out on her own with her best friend- gave her some sort of entitlement that she feels she is better than me because I am still with my family and I don't understand how that even matters if she cared and wanted to be with me so long for that to be one of the reasons.

 

 

I am 24, a recent university graduate with a bachelor of commerce, currently working for a research company the past year..trying to find other jobs in my field...living with my parents still - and shes 21 still in school, working and has now moved in on her own with her friend. How can she question my life and direction or have the nerve to even do that? She even told me before she really likes how I was done University and that I am currently working and trying to find better opportunities- and now when shes moving she thinks shes better?

 

 

she questioned my direction in life when none of these things came up before- and I am really hurt because I trusted her, I supported her and I got support from her as well but now when I look at it- it's like she was waiting to get back at me and flip everything on me

 

Question I have for you all is- How do I cope with someone who was there for me- disappearing just like that one me- not wanting to see me- and basically cutting me out completely as if I meant nothing to her? when she wanted a relationship this entire time. and not only that the fact she is so close now- the fact that if things were normal we could see each other everyday...but now..with all this im just left feeling lost and confused and betrayed and I don't know how to cope with this now.

 

I have been through way worse before in my past so the issue is not going through a breakup for the first time- i've dealt with my fair share..but this one is just a different feeling all together- she really hurt my ego and completely took me by surprise.

 

I have went no contact now- and I know eventually she could msg me in the near future- but even if she does- after how she hurt me I don't think I could ever be with her again- but at the same time this pain won't go away and I dono how else to cope with it.

 

I just have so much anger about this situation and the fact she could act like this that I hate feeling this way

 

* when we were talking about a week ago she would send me photos how she was partying and out with her friends and different guys- and she would send these photos to me as if it was nothing- it's like she wanted to make me suffer more and to continue to hurt me. I actually am starting to really resent her after all this*

Edited August 10, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[MovingOnIsHard]

It's been 8 days now of NO CONTACT

 

I have tried to keep busy since the argument happened and since she said she was done with the situation and was too stressed out to want to fix things now.

 

I even went to another nearby city for a friends birthday and posted pictures, etc to show that I am out there living my life.

 

Since I have been back it's hit me again that she is literally down the street from me and that is having a really big impact on me and how I am handling all of this.

 

I am just really hurt by the fact that even a month after our argument and like 2-3 weeks since shes ended it- she has not wanted to meet up in person to at least just discuss everything. She knows what it is I want now and because of that I feel she has total power over me or so she thinks.

 

That is why I have been full NO CONTACT because I realized continuing to try and talk to her or try to get her to see me was not doing anything but just making us go in circles. This is the first time in 6 months that we have went this long without talking to each other. We would talk everyday- all day

 

I am really hurt that someone who I finally made such a huge commitment too- and decided she was the person I wanted an actual real RELATIONSHIP with and to give her the title of my GF could just ghost me like that as if I mean nothing to her- and just put me to the side and not only that she questioned me completley after the argument and basically told me indirectly she thinks shes better than me and that I am lower than her.

 

A 21 year old telling a 24 year old she is more established and knows what she wants in life...typical...

 

I also feel like her moving out on her own with her best friend- gave her some sort of entitlement that she feels she is better than me because I am still with my family and I don't understand how that even matters if she cared and wanted to be with me so long for that to be one of the reasons.

 

 

I am 24, a recent university graduate with a bachelor of commerce, currently working for a research company the past year..trying to find other jobs in my field...living with my parents still - and shes 21 still in school, working and has now moved in on her own with her friend. How can she question my life and direction or have the nerve to even do that? She even told me before she really likes how I was done University and that I am currently working and trying to find better opportunities- and now when shes moving she thinks shes better?

 

 

she questioned my direction in life when none of these things came up before- and I am really hurt because I trusted her, I supported her and I got support from her as well but now when I look at it- it's like she was waiting to get back at me and flip everything on me

 

Question I have for you all is- How do I cope with someone who was there for me- disappearing just like that one me- not wanting to see me- and basically cutting me out completely as if I meant nothing to her? when she wanted a relationship this entire time. and not only that the fact she is so close now- the fact that if things were normal we could see each other everyday...but now..with all this im just left feeling lost and confused and betrayed and I don't know how to cope with this now.

 

I have been through way worse before in my past so the issue is not going through a breakup for the first time- i've dealt with my fair share..but this one is just a different feeling all together- she really hurt my ego and completely took me by surprise.

 

I have went no contact now- and I know eventually she could msg me in the near future- but even if she does- after how she hurt me I don't think I could ever be with her again- but at the same time this pain won't go away and I dono how else to cope with it.

 

I just have so much anger about this situation and the fact she could act like this that I hate feeling this way

 

* when we were talking about a week ago she would send me photos how she was partying and out with her friends and different guys- and she would send these photos to me as if it was nothing- it's like she wanted to make me suffer more and to continue to hurt me. I actually am starting to really resent her after all this*

 

The only thing you can do is focusing on moving on from this. Block her and no contact with her. It'll be hard at first but with discipline you'll become indifferent towards her.

 

Go have fun yourself

[autumnnight]

You neither like nor respect this girl. You just want to win.

 

Cut your losses and move on. You spent 4 pages trying to convince everyone how right you are and how wrong she is.

 

Just let it go and move on.

[RebelWithoutACause]

It's over. She doesn't want to be with you. Yes, she could have gone about breaking up with you in a better, more mature way and been more direct, but then again she's only 21, what do you expect

 

I finally made such a huge commitment too- and decided she was the person I wanted an actual real RELATIONSHIP and to give her the title of my GF.

 

People are not pawns that you decide what to do with. She made a choice to not be with you. Stop fixating on the rejection and move on.

 

she has total power over me or so she thinks

People have ZERO power over you unless you give it to them willingly. So don't.

Move.

On.

[GemmaUK]

You've sounded angry and controlling in this thread with the views you hold. Also in this thread you have been verbally abusive about her as well as putting her down on many occasions.

I think she had made the right choice.

 

Just move on and forget about her. Look into getting some help with the anger.

Delete her everywhere, FB, phone, emails, the lot.

It's over.

[UltimaWeapon]

Hello Loveshack,

 

 

I was seeing this girl exclusively from February 2015 till middle of July. I am 24, she is 21.

 

We were essentially in a full blown relationship just without the title towards the end- everything we did was like we were BF and GF

 

to sum up as quickly as possible- she wanted a relationship right away and because of my past experiences and wanting to avoid rushing into things too quickly - I told her it was too soon for me and I needed more time to get comfortable; get to know her better and to just take it slow and take it from there. She agreed. 2 months later after some careful thought- the feelings had really developed since than and It just felt right- it felt like the right time to finally be "OFFICIAL" we were approaching the 6th month mark of seeing each other and I decided it was time to make the approach.

 

days before she told my friends on Canada day she was waiting for me to make it official. Literally 2 days later I popped the question and she just completely caught me off guard and took me by surprise - I never expected her to react the way she did.

 

She talked about how she wanted a relationship entire time she was with me- everything was fine up until this point- few days prior we were together on Canada day- being affectionate kissing in public, etc and she even slept over.

 

This is what does not make sense to me. I asked her literally 2-3 days later to be official (because this is what she wanted all along) she replies to me with all these excuses:

 

Instead of being happy and saying yes- she just starts giving me all these excuses

why now?

why should I be in one when you want too?

You didn't wine and dine me

You put in no effort- I made things too easy for you

I threw myself at you- You were handed everything

You didn't want to meet my parents yet??

2 months ago when I asked you - you weren't ready- I had 2 months to doubt you and us?? Why wasn't he ready? Why isn't he sure about me? Am I sure about him? You gave me 2 months to doubt us and this relationship.

You want to take my freedom away now

 

I waited 2 months extra for you- now I want you to wait for me??- I said to her why do you want me to wait for your answer? you wanted this all along?? " Well now I am not so sure anymore" This is coming from someone who just told my friends literally 3 days prior she was waiting for me to make it official?

 

 

So for me hearing all this after I asked her to be my GF was a complete shock to me...

 

To me it was a flat out rejection disguised with excuses- there was no YES there- I completely lost my cool and called her out on her bull**** and basically told her your straight up that you are saying no - you make no sense at all- if this was the case why did you continue to see me? We got into a huge argument over this- I ended up making her cry- I told her she did not know what she wanted- she was playing games...she says one thing does another- how could she behave like this- who does this, etc

 

She even said I was gona say yes to you but you got mad. I GOT MAD AFTER HER EXCUSES there was no YES before that

 

Anyways since that argument- she just did not want to fix anything between us and completely changed towards me in a matter of days. I even sent her flowers 2 days after the argument to apologize on my end and it really did not mean much to her. She apologized for her behavior and said I should have said yes and went about this a different way- but since you reacted and got angry- I couldn't say yes. She even said I wouldn't have continued seeing you if I didn't have feelings or like being with you.

 

But she doesn't make sense because everything she was saying to me when I asked her were reasons why she DID NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME ANYMORE

 

She was using the argument against me now completely as the reason why she did not say yes to me?? and even went as far to say that after this argument- she just does not feel the same way towards me??? and it changed her feelings??

 

How can someone who has been seeing you for 6 months - once or twice a week- keeping in contact with you daily- entire day- texting back n forth- phone calls- constant conversations- always wanting to see me or hangout- in literally a span of a week change her behavior towards me 180??

 

How do I cope with this now?? I feel betrayed, isolated, I feel used, stupid- she essentially made me feel like an idiot for even asking her because it was a flat out rejection. not only that after the argument she refused to meet up in person to see me to fix anything and basically let it stay in limbo for 2-3 weeks until she finally told me she was out and could not handle this situation anymore because I was stressing her out too much and pressuring her on fixing things??

 

So now I am dealing with all of this ON TOP OF THAT she has moved 2 mins down the street from me (when we were together this was done on purpose to be close to one another) now that she is down the street- she has not made any attempt to see me or reach out to talk at least.

 

 

I tried to get her to see me- but she just did not want to fix anything. Claiming shes discouraged, she just was not motivated, her perspective changed when I argued and made her cry (IT WAS OUR FIRST FIGHT IN 6 months!!) I apologized and did everything I could to show her I was sorry for yelling- what else could I do? She dragged this on way too long for no reason- it is def a COP OUT on her end!! which makes no sense because if she felt that way before why not end it?!?!

 

 

I am having an extremely difficult time coping with this. This also is not my first break up by any means- I was in a 4.5 year relationship before where I was cheated on by my ex- and I even walked into her place while the guy was there. I have dealt with a lot of pain in the past so I have been through worse- but this situation is extremely difficult for me and it's because I haven't been able to at least see her in person since this all happened to at least talk as adults about everything. She just would avoid and not commit to talking. She msged me 2 weeks ago that she saw me outside a bar- we talked for like 2-3 mins and that was the extent of me being with her the past month.

 

I feel ghosted- I feel terrible and I don't know what to do to cope with this. The fact she is so close to me now is literally eating me up inside.

 

What am I suppose to do now? How do you deal with something like this??

 

I have been 10 days now in NO CONTACT because I realized reaching out and asking her or trying to fix things or push anything would not do anything- I have just backed away.

 

Does anyone have any advice? I try to keep busy- I even went out the city for a friends bday- but I am still having so much trouble knowing she is literally so close and things could be so different if she just MET UP WITH ME FOR A BIT SO WE CAN TALK AND MOVE PAST THIS.

 

How do your feelings change over night like this???

 

I suspect there is someone else in the picture because I mean what else can it be??

Edited August 13, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[Qboro90]

First off all I feel for you, this is a crummy situation to be in and I'm sure threw you for a loop when she reacted so differently.

 

Now, you're doing the right thing with No Contact. Definitely stick with this. I say that because it sounds to me like you got really clingy and almost desperate sounding after the argument occurred following you asking her out. That's one of the most unattractive things a guy can do and a big turn off for a girl. It will only make her pull away more especially if she knows you're gonna be there waiting with open arms when she decides to change her outlook. I understand that you were just trying to explain to her your reasons for waiting and now that you were ready you're prepared to be all in on the relationship. Your only fault was maybe taking it a bit too far and giving her the upper hand when in fact you had every reason to be a bit upset at her response. You could've reacted better tho. Yelling and letting your temper show only escalated things so that's something you should and did apologize for.

 

At this point I think it's pretty clear that there is a lot more going on with this girl behind the scenes that you don't know about. You also said that you started seeing each other in February and 2 months later when you asked her out was the 6month mark of you seeing her so I'm a bit confused there.

 

Your reasons for not jumpin right into a relationship are completely valid. Frankly it's a red flag that she wanted you as a BF so quickly. Perhaps she just wanted a BF and now necessarily you as a BF. Just any guy that she somewhat liked because 1. She's one of those girls who can't be alone 2. She wanted to make someone else jealous and show that she moved on. Are you aware about anything regarding her past relationships or who she was seeing b4 you? This might offer some insight into that.

 

Secondly you should know that if she really wanted to be with you then she would've changed her tune by now and tried to work things out. She's using the argument as an excuse when in fact she doesn't know what she wants and that was the easiest way out. Maybe once summer started approaching she realized she wanted to be single and date around instead of get into a serious relationship. Maybe a guy she liked started showing interest in her so she wants to pursue that or is pursuing that yet keeping you close in case it doesn't work out so she can just go back to you.

 

You've done more than enough at this point to show you were sorry for getting angry with her and if this really was your first argument then she clearly was looking for a way out.

 

Instead of overthinking it just look at one thing : you asked her to be your girlfriend and instead of being elated and saying yes, she started this whole thing and made it a huge ordeal. Her sayings that she was going to say yes eventually until she saw you get angry and yell is bs. She wasn't going to say yes, she's just trying to make you feel guilty and make you feel like the one who messed it up. You're not. She's young and immature so the way to drive her crazy is to continue no contact and start enjoying your summer. If she lives so close to you then use that to your advantage. Let it be seen that you're going out and doing things. Take another girl on a date. Guarantee that once she sees that she might really lose you then she'll reach out. And if she doesn't... Then you know 100% that she never really gave a crap about you.

[UltimaWeapon]

She wanted to be in a relationship after the 2 -3 month period of seeing each other. She asked me like where is this going? and I told her straight up I was being genuine at the time- I wasn't seeing anyone else - I told her I am only seeing you- I am a serious type I dont play games- If I am giving you my time that means I truly see something here. I told her I want to continue to see you and just take it easy and go from there- we are going in that direction. I just went through a lot of crap in the past and I needed time to get comfortable being in a full blown relationship. I wasn't in an actual one in 5 years- so you can see why I had a hard time opening up. Prior to that- I had flings of a few months but nothing ever substantial to be considered a real relationship until she came along.

 

I asked her to be official 2 months after that which was beginning of July.

 

I also don't think she really understood where I was coming from or how hurt I was in the past to take it easy- it was literally her "WAITING FOR ME" that's how she looked at it. and I feel like she had resentment towards me for rejecting the idea of a relationship wit her - which was not what I was doing- I just told her it was too soon and we needed more time to continue to develop what we had.

 

I had a feeling to be honest that something like this could happen if we got into something too soon- that is why I was cautious-I had a hard time taking her seriously and trusting her words and idea of commitment- she never really hard a true relationship before and that is one of the things that made me really cautious

Edited August 13, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[UltimaWeapon]

Your reasons for not jumpin right into a relationship are completely valid. Frankly it's a red flag that she wanted you as a BF so quickly. Perhaps she just wanted a BF and now necessarily you as a BF. Just any guy that she somewhat liked because 1. She's one of those girls who can't be alone 2. She wanted to make someone else jealous and show that she moved on. Are you aware about anything regarding her past relationships or who she was seeing b4 you? This might offer some insight into that.

 

 

I really respected the fact she waited for me to open up more and I truly cared so much about her and the fact someone could and would do something like that for me was really amazing to see and witness- but as soon as I asked her to be official she just dropped this huge bomb on me? it's like she was waiting to just reject me to get back at me..Like if she had any doubts or reasons to not stick around - no one forced her to stay- if she did not want to "WAIT" for me to be ready she could have left long ago..she didn't..so for her to use that as an excuse on me wen I was being genuine..is complete BS

Edited August 13, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[UltimaWeapon]

I know if I saw her in person things would be different she even told me the feelings are there but she's making them fade away on purpose

And she's acting like this because I am pressuring her and suffocating her ? Lol like I don't understand - the amount of excuses she is using is pathetic.

 

It's crazy how quickly people can change towards you.

 

She even moved down the street and would give me reasons why she couldn't see me last week wen I asked her to make some time so we could speak in person. She was so avoidant on us seeing each other - it felt like she was covering up something - I def feel like there is someone else in the picture based off her behaviour - why can't she see me now even wen I'm down the street? It doesn't add up - someone else is in the picture and that is preventing her from seeing me and fixing things with me

[Qboro90]

First off you and her were for all intents and purposes a couple the entire time you were together and the only thing that would have changed if she had said yes that day would have been the title associated with you two. Nothing else so it's obvious bs that she was "waiting for you" because you were with her and expressed you were being exclusive early on in the relationship. So if she was that desperate for the title of "boyfriend/girlfriend" then that's a huge red flag.

 

She's made it clear she doesn't want to see you. I know it sucks but you gotta let it go and start moving on from her. She's had every opportunity to work things out. Won't even give you the decency of a face to face meeting so I'm sorry dude but she's not interested anymore. Sucks. She was childish about it but that **** happens to all of us at one point or another. Best thing you can do is no contact and go out with another girl or hang with your friends. Jealousy might change her tune but like you said it's probable that she's seeing someone else.

[UltimaWeapon]

There is no way that I can date some other girl now after all this - I am shattered Completely - I forgot how this pain feels and she literally got me when I let my guard down. Can't believe this is the outcome after 6 months and for her to just cut me out like that. This is from someone who claims they really care about me and where crazy about me...

 

I don't know how I am going to cope with this- this pain is not going away and why it's affecting me so much.

 

Since I have been back from outside the city it's just hit me like a ton of bricks

 

Going no contact since the second of August has also been extremely difficult for me because we talked everyday all day the past 6 months..

 

I don't know how she can just act like nothing is bothering her and to even go from me to someone else so quickly ( if that is what's happened ) is mind boggling to me

[UltimaWeapon]

I don't know how to deal wit her being so close to me and the fact that I will run into her all the time downtown on a Friday or Saturday night. That makes me not want to go out because if I see her it will ruin my mood Completely. I can't believe I am in such a hard situation.

 

I already saw her downtown last Friday ...and this won't end

[NopeNah]

I don't know how to deal wit her being so close to me and the fact that I will run into her all the time downtown on a Friday or Saturday night. That makes me not want to go out because if I see her it will ruin my mood Completely. I can't believe I am in such a hard situation.

 

I already saw her downtown last Friday ...and this won't end

Eventually her "shine" will wear off. You won't feel like punching the random guy she's making out with in the mouth. It just fades..If you can't handle what I just said, then don't go where she may be until you can. Because that's the facts you're faced with..Like it or not..she will be out with other guys. Handle yourself accordingly..Kinda funny coming from me..Because, I seldom do.

[UltimaWeapon]

I've read about the narcissistic personality type and I can say that everything on there has hit close to home wit my situation with her.

 

I am having a hard time dealing with the fact she put all the blame on me and said things like

 

" you put no effort into this" " you didn't wine and dine me" " I made it too easy for you" " you didn't take me to the movies"

 

" you do those things to show affection before not after"

 

When I asked her to be my gf...

 

I NEVER SAID THIS TO HER directly but this is the extent of what we did when we were seeing each other for those 5 months going onto 6.

 

went to a clubbing event together and hung out the entire night, we went swimming and tanning at my place, we went downtown and walked around, hit up a park and some views as well.. hit up another lake and area where u can walk around for another date... I came out to see her for her b day and was wit her that night, she came over many times to my place to watch movies and hangout, she came to walk her dog with me as well, we were together for Canada day and she slept over at my place after.. we went out for drinks a few times as well - 1 on 1 downtown and with her friends and my friends.

 

I bought her a nice bday card, I also bought her some plush toys randomly to give to her one day..

 

 

....I sent her a huge bouquet to her door to apologize for the argument after we had one. I didn't have to do any of those things!!!!!

 

We agreed at the beginning to see each other exclusively and for all this to happen after just doesn't make sense to me- at the end of the day all I was asking her was for the title of BF and GF.

 

 

Why is this eating up at me inside?

I feel like nothing I did meant anything to her. It took me so long to open up and let her in and when I finally did - she dropped this huge bomb on me and I don't know how to deal with this pain now..and its killing me inside..because she made it seem like I wasn't worth her time anymore..

 

If this did not show my affection for her what else could I have done?

 

I was waiting to take her out after she agreed to be my GF- to a nice place for dinner- to make it special and something different - so it wasn't something that we usually do.

 

Just because we never had dinner or went to a movie- she uses that against me?? I don't understand that- everything else gets discarded?? And even if I did do those things- what than?? I didn't want to do too much too soon- do you guys understand as well? Like I didn't want to do everything before we made things OFFICIAL- so it could leave suspense and mystery for after.

Edited August 20, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[UltimaWeapon]

Instead of overthinking it just look at one thing : you asked her to be your girlfriend and instead of being elated and saying yes, she started this whole thing and made it a huge ordeal. Her sayings that she was going to say yes eventually until she saw you get angry and yell is bs. She wasn't going to say yes, she's just trying to make you feel guilty and make you feel like the one who messed it up. You're not. She's young and immature so the way to drive her crazy is to continue no contact and start enjoying your summer. If she lives so close to you then use that to your advantage. Let it be seen that you're going out and doing things. Take another girl on a date. Guarantee that once she sees that she might really lose you then she'll reach out. And if she doesn't... Then you know 100% that she never really gave a crap about you.

 

 

What do you think about what I just posted bro? Was I in the wrong?

Did I do anything bad? You give good advice because I assume you went through something like this as well

[UltimaWeapon]

I couldn't wrap my head around her behavior or actions and I came across narcissistic character personality traits and how they interact in relationships.

 

Everything that I read about NPD was dead on about the girl I was seeing.

 

I haven't been through a bigger emotional roller coaster in a long time than what I have been experiencing now.

 

 

1 ) Evaluation: She messaged me first, praised me with attention, gave me her number, wanted to see me that night downtown, continued to text me all the time, explained how her ideal guy was basically someone who was physically exactly like me, complimented me on every aspect of my life. She essentially was too good to be true- way too quickly. She moved way too fast as well; she wanted a full blown BF GF relationship in the first 2-3 months of seeing each other maybe a handful of times. Something definitely felt off about the entire situation because she was throwing herself at me and I literally did nothing. She also seemingly out of nowhere was infatuated with me and liked me to the extent where I didn't even know how fast she could develop those feelings- because I was way behind her in that respect.

 

Ways she tried to manipulate me :

 

a.) Messages from other guys: She would literally send me screenshots when we started seeing each other - how other guys were hitting on her and wanted to see her and get with her- and this wasn't just one person. This was a handful of different guys. I was really thrown off by this behavior because IF YOU TRULY like someone you don't try to make them jealous this way. Everything felt so off- my gut feeling was always telling me you need to be really cautious with this situation- something isn't right here.

 

She even said at the beginning before we even started seeing each other- you better make your move because I have a line of guys who want to be in your spot??

 

b.) Triangulation: She even sent pictures of how some other guy gave her a necklace before he went on vacation and professed his love for her- but she told me that she didn't feel the same way for him and rejected it. I NEVER let her know how I truly felt about any of that- at the time I didn't let it affect me because I knew what she was trying to do and I didn't give her the satisfaction!

 

 

I have never experienced something like that in my life and I had no idea how to act- it was a huge red flag to me and it really made me second guess her from that point forward- but my feelings were still there that I wanted to look passed all that!

 

* She would constantly need my validation, approval, send me 10 photos of herself a day, constantly ask me for compliments (which I never gave), she was very full of herself (but she was actually very insecure) which was all an act. She always wanted to be the center of attention anywhere she went, HAD a huge number of guy friends- that would feed her ego. Very materialistic and power hungry, always had issues with power and control when with me, always had to be right- she was never wrong- ALL SIGNS OF A NARCISSISTIC PERSON. Treated her dog like it was a child, needed constant attention, guys were always messaging her, I never knew how to approach any of this so I just remained aloof and never brought up how it pissed me off ( I didn't want to know it affected me)- I played it well throughout this entire process

 

 

UNTIL I finally decided to ask her to be official. This is where all the POWER flipped in the relationship

 

 

After our argument her behavior towards me changed over night and this is where the next stage occurred.

 

 

2) Devaluation: She started complaining about me, things she praised before were issues now, complained about my effort in the relationship, how I didn't wine and dine her, didn't take her to the movies? how she threw herself at me, how she had 2 months to compare herself to me and that made her "re think " things about us. Questioned my direction in life, how she was better than me because she was moving out of her parents place at 21 and how at 24 I was still with mine. I won't lie for her to use all of that against me after really hurt- we had one argument (Our first argument in 6 months) and for her to attack me personally after everything? That really hurt me and I have been in shock ever since.

 

* She literally referred to " liking me a lot and having feelings for me" in the past tense after the argument- its as seemingly overnight her feelings towards me changed. And I asked myself how can the argument change ur feelings for me that quickly? Well after reading all about NPD it makes sense because her "image" and "mask" were threatened and because I yelled and made her cry - as a source I was useless to her now.

 

 

Problem is- based on her behavior and everything I have read - she never did have full blown feelings- it was just attention, validation and I was just her source for the time being- My gut feeling even told me a few weeks prior that I felt she just wanted anyone to fill that void and it didn't necessarily even have to be me- her feelings didn't seem genuine or they were too quick for me to take her seriously.

 

She was so crazy about me and infatuated to the point she was asking me about marriage very early on- and if I miss her constantly and if I would marry her. All of this was just too sudden for me- and than for her to flip 180 on me that quickly? It is a scary process

 

 

3) Discard: After the argument and the devaluation stage, she just completely shut me off from her life. She did not want to fix anything between us, avoided the issue, avoided confrontation and basically left me in limbo not knowing what was happening. She claimed how she needed to worry about herself before worrying about anyone else. She did not want to compromise. It was all her, everything was what she wanted, all on her terms- and all I could do at that point was accept what was going on and walk away.

 

She was a completely different person at stage 1 compared to now. It is like night and day- I was glad in a way that I came across this information because it did shed some light into our relationship and how quickly she was able to just let me go....

 

 

ALL THE SIGNS ARE THERE THAT THIS WAS NPD:

*****I am not claiming to be a doctor and diagnosing her or my situation but based on what I have read and what things she exhibited throughout us being together I can safely say that all of this is spot on in terms of dealing with someone who has NPD- it explains her behavior and at least gives me some more insight . *****

 

 

**********************************************************************************************

 

I know this is toxic as a relationship and she essentially caused all of this drama on her end by giving me excuses and not saying yes when I asked her. She could have easily met up with me after the argument to fix everything but she didn't.

I mean what can I TRULY expect out of a 21 year old who is moving out wit her best friend and wants to live with freedom and no responsibility ?? Did I really expect her to be ready for a serious relationship??? even after 6 months? She is way too immature and I needed to get badly hurt by her to fully come to this conclusion.

 

A part of me still misses who she was at the first stage- it was all too good to be true to be honest- I miss talking to her all day and having someone who I can be open with about anything- I really wish none of this happened because since she is so close- we could see each other all the time- and now we are like strangers again.

 

I was myself with her, we had a great time we were together, she would always make me smile and laugh, I really thought her feelings were genuine and that is why I overlooked all those red flags so I could give us a shot and make something happen out of our relationship. We def had a great connection and we could take for hours on end- all day everyday- even on the phone.

 

She is a good person despite all of these other things she did and how she acted towards me- I really do miss her

 

I felt like she was slowly become the closest person to me because I managed to open up so much to her (which is something I never do and it takes me a LONG TIME)

 

I take full responsibility for yelling and getting mad at her excuses and I know that if I kept my cool I would def have more power and say in how things ended up. I regret that terribly- but I can't do anything to change that now.

 

I tried everything in my power to show her I wanted to be with her and to fix our situation- because it was something that can easily be fixed.

 

I feel like when she finally got what she wanted (The satisfaction of knowing I wanted to be with her) that she discarded me as If I meant nothing to her.

 

It has been 6 days of NC so far- and its killing me inside.

 

 

She really has thrown me for a loop- everything I thought was real now seemingly isn't. even her feelings for me seem fabricated? I don't know what to feel or how to go about coping with any of this. She really shattered me and it has taken a huge hit on my pride and ego, etc. I really did care a lot about her and still do- My feelings for her were genuine from the start I NEVER EXPECTED THIS COMING

 

 

it doesn't stop me feeling terrible about all this and I am just wondering how others have dealt with a situation like this??

Edited August 24, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[Oregon_Dude]

Ultima,

 

it's eerie how similar your situation is to mine. I also dated a 21 year old - though, I am 31, and have no excuse. Anyway, she was also too good to be true. We got to know each other over OKCupid before meeting up - she complimented me lots, we had great conversations and a great connection. Funny enough, she ALSO showed me screenshots of guys who would text her and not leave her alone, and tell me about them as well. It pissed me off, but it also made me happy that she was wanted, and I won. Of course in retrospect it was a red flag, as are many things when reflecting upon a relationship.

 

I was valued, devalued and discarded as well. All these things speak not only to immaturity but also a personality disorder. Who knows if yours has NPD or if mine has BPD. All that matters is that the way they treated us was based on their own poorly developed social skills and personality. Like you, I highly doubt that my ex ever truly loved me, and was just feeding her need for attention. Problem is, I did love her. At this point all I can do is make better choices in my partner, and heed the gut feelings when they arrive. And yes, they did arrive, I ignored to my detriment.

 

Recovering from this kind of thing is difficult, but hopefully you can accept that the person you were with is damaged and there was likely nothing you could have done to make/keep them happy. We won't ever know if we were just a "game" to them or if they truly did have feelings. Ultimately it doesn't matter. Accept that that chapter of your life is closed, try not to ruminate, b/c there is nothing we could have done. At the end of the day, we made the wrong choice in partner.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that these people are often not worth the energy it takes to think of them, and that the longer we try to figure everything out, the more we delay our own recovery. Surround yourself with positive people WITHOUT emotional issues, and know that with each day that passes with NC, you are regaining the person you were before you met her.

[Qboro90]

From the last post you made in this thread it sounds like this girl wasn't as amazing as you're making her out to be and you even realize that. So if you know she was self centered, attention craving, manipulative, power hungry, and overall immature then why are you bundling her pedestal higher and higher and rehashing the relationship so much. 6 days of no contact. Don't give in.

 

Wracking your brain with trying to figure out why a 21 yo girl like this who needs attention and control is an impossible task that will never end so stop trying. They're impulsive and can only think about what they care about that day so you're not gonna get a good answer as to "when it all changed for her".

 

You're in love with who she was when you met her. The beautiful girl who was infatuated with you and couldn't get enough and was talking marriage. The girl who you had to say "slow your role, that's way to fast, chill for a bit". What you should've thought at that time was why she was acting like that when she barely knew you. She wanted a BF. Not necessarily you as her BF. Any guy attractive and good enough to her would've done fine.

 

You wanted to wait because of a bad past experience and what happens? Exactly what you feared... This girl turned out to not be who she said and acted like and she ended up hurting you.... So why aren't you happy that you decided to take it slow in the beginning? She's another bad experience just like you were worried about.

 

Missing the girl she was at stage 1 isn't the same as being in love with who she actually is. That girl doesn't exist. The facade and front that most people put on during the early stages of dating or a relationship never last and eventually their true persona comes out. Do you like this girls true persona? I can't see how you could after how she's been described.