racergirl Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 I just got out of a long term relationship with my ex-fiance. We where friends before we started dating and want to try and stay friends afterwards. I was also good friends with his brother since he always did things with us. We where ALL good friends, riding bikes on the weekends, hanging out, etc and I dont want to lose that, but I'm also a LITTLE bitter towards my ex, but yet I am getting over it too. It's his loss, I can do better, and I deserve better. I'm really doing great considering what all happened. Well, here's the thing. After we broke up, I turned to his brother to try and understand it all and get over it, because he too is my friend. Turns out, his brother has a crush on me and has for some time but out of respect for his brother, I of course, was unobtainable. But, now that I'm not, he wants to go out. The twist to all of this is that during the time I was dating his brother, I always had that un-obtainable attraction to his brother, too! I felt like he was more my type but he WAS married when I met my ex. The brother has since been divorced over a year now. I would like to know of it is weird to want to go out with his brother. I know him very well, personality wise so it's not like trying to get to know someone I've never been around. And the stranger thing is, my ex (his brother) does NOT have a problem with us being friends and also mentioned the only thing weird about us hookin-up, HE SAID, was that he would question my taste in men (in a joking manner.) The brother is a very sensual, romantic, gentleman that I witnessed thru attempts to saving his marriage and what I was told about how he treated her. Much more so than my ex ever was to me or any woman he ever dated. He's been a great friend to me thru my heartache of this failed relationship and has helped me with things that guys can help out with when you need them. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Merin would NOT date an EXBF's Brother... the 2 of you had been engaged... IMO it would be really reaching and I dunno.. can't see how this wouldn't be an issue at some point... Good Luck with whatever youd decide to do. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 I don't see any problem with you dating your ex-fiance's brother. If his brother doesn't have a problem with that than you shouldn't either. You don't have to brag around about your relationship at the beginning, but if you two fall in love with each other and things get serious then his brother will eventually be happy for the two of you. It regularly happens that brothers have a crush on their brother's girlfriend if the girl is cute and charming. Go for it! The love between you and your ex-fiance is history. We only have one life, should we spend it on stupid moral restrictions? It's great to be moral, but it's so boring to be a saint. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer I don't see any problem with you dating your ex-fiance's brother. If his brother doesn't have a problem with that than you shouldn't either. You don't have to brag around about your relationship at the beginning, but if you two fall in love with each other and things get serious then his brother will eventually be happy for the two of you. It regularly happens that brothers have a crush on their brother's girlfriend if the girl is cute and charming. Go for it! The love between you and your ex-fiance is history. We only have one life, should we spend it on stupid moral restrictions? It's great to be moral, but you can't be a saint. IMO (and for me) it isn't a matter of morality... this could cause problems in the family.. thats just reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author racergirl Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 Engaged for 4 months and it was not a proposal by him. We've both been there, done that, had the kid and got divorced. We (more so, I) decided to get married because we had been together for so long and wanted to do what was right for our kids (again, more so me than him). He changed his mind so he bailed. He used me for over a year, I supported him. His parents and his brother both said that I deserved better and not sure what I saw in him and looking back, I don't either. He was a great friend but a lousy boyfriend. I just tolerated it way to long. I thought he was just in a funk with having to take a low paying job after losing his good paying one so I stuck it out, trying to support him mentally and financially. He just flaked on me and said he could never really be what I wanted in someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by racergirl Engaged for 4 months and it was not a proposal by him. We've both been there, done that, had the kid and got divorced. We (more so, I) decided to get married because we had been together for so long and wanted to do what was right for our kids (again, more so me than him). He changed his mind so he bailed. He used me for over a year, I supported him. His parents and his brother both said that I deserved better and not sure what I saw in him and looking back, I don't either. He was a great friend but a lousy boyfriend. I just tolerated it way to long. I thought he was just in a funk with having to take a low paying job after losing his good paying one so I stuck it out, trying to support him mentally and financially. He just flaked on me and said he could never really be what I wanted in someone. You and your EX-Fiancee' have a child together? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 You sounded like a 21-year old girl in your first post. Now it turns out you have kids and one of them is with your ex-fiance. He changed his mind about marrying you? That's very sweet of him. If I were you I would get out of that family, but if you like his brother, I think you owe your ex-fiance NOTHING! Link to post Share on other sites
Author racergirl Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 No, we both have children from our previous marriages. We both have little boys, a year apart. The brother's parent's always felt like he wasn't good enough for me. Not that I'm tootin' my horn or anything but we come from different backgrounds and adult lifestyles were VERY different, before we met. I really feel like the parent's would be ok with us being together, or dating, so long as they understood I was doing it to get back at him. Which I would not. I loved him, I loved his parents, I loved his brother in that friendship way. I find myself being able to rightfully persue this because he & I already KNOW each other and what we want in a companion/relationship. I've tried to hook him up with girl friends and he's dated a couple times but none of them captured his interest, except for me and since I've broken up with his brother (yes, I kicked him out but wanted him back, but then he didn't want to come back and now I'm glad he didn't-you know, the old emotional rollercoaster of "love") he says he has feelings for me that he has not had in a VERY LONG TIME! Like, when he met his wife! Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 ::Shrugs:: Sounds like you've made up your mind... Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Regardless of what the ex is telling you. I think this has potential to cause some serious issues between the brothers. When push comes to shove if this is causing problems the brother could dump you just out of loyalty to his brother. I would! My 2 cents, you are rebounding a little to close to where you started and need to bounce a little further away from his family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author racergirl Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 You know what? You're right. I already have. But the hard thing is that after his divorce, he let his ex-wife has the house and lives with his parents. Which is not really a bad thing. He makes good money, has a nice car, actually two, and has been saving $ for another house. The REALLY weird thing is that since I kicked my ex out, he lives with his parents too. So, both brothers are at their parents house! However, the "new" brother wants to get his own place so that's really not going to be a problem for long. But, what I need to know is THIS WEIRD to want this? To desire him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author racergirl Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 I'm thinking "rebound" also, but yet I want to persue this with him too. (I'm a little confused) Oh, and BELIEVE me when I wondered where his loyalty is and he definatley cares about his brother, but also has seen first hand his brothers crap that I put up with and ALWAYS told me I could do better and not put up with it. (And in "doing better" he meant himself) Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 There is nothing wrong with wanting or desiring him. I just think you better make sure of your reasonings before going after something that has potential to get messy. Are you looking for a fun for now guy or do you think there is chance this guy is or could be more than that? After getting out of 7 yr relationship I turned to someone that was comfortable and familiar to me. It felt safe and I let that feeling take priority over what I really wanted or what might be best. Conclusion, safe rebound girl...didn' t work out. I think the brother is familiar and has a level of comfort that is telling you he is safer than starting over and going through the dating process with someone you don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author racergirl Posted May 9, 2005 Author Share Posted May 9, 2005 That is a very good point and I appreciate your insight. I don't know what I want in someone now. I know he has qualities in him that I have always wished in someone so... I guess for now...we will see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted May 9, 2005 Share Posted May 9, 2005 Regret is the one thing I hate most in life. There are two kinds of regret, when you regret something you did and when you regret not doing something. I have found regretting not doing something is harder for me to live with. So if you feel like it is worth a shot then don't pass it by and find yourself regretting not taking the chance later. But for the record proceed with caution! Your fellow Texan....TUDOR Link to post Share on other sites
SuperFantastico Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Two words 'Jerry Springer' There have got to be more men out there than these two brothers. What do you think would happen if you dated your ex-FIANCE"S brother!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author racergirl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 *WARNING* THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG!!! Funny "JERRY SPRINGER" is the first thing that popped into my head! Well, to "catch" everyone up... On Tuesday's, we (sportbike riders) gather on Tuesdays and since I'm not going to give up my passion and apparently neither is he, we both decided to go tonight. The funny thing is, we usually don't go on Tuesdays. Well, my x & I had a few words earlier in the evening over the phone but for some reason we both decided to go out to that spot. His brother tells me to be nice and then tells him, (after my x confesses that he misses me) if he ever wants me back, he better not be an a**h***. hmm Well, apprently me being out with my friends was to much for him to handle. Says he thought he could take it but cant. After he gets there, I text him offering to buy him a beer (to be nice & break the ice), but then my phone goes dead. I see him leaving so I slowly walk over to tell him bye. He asks why I didn't answer my phone. I explained why. He thought I was avoiding him. Says he text'ed me that he wanted to talk, alone, for a minute. Turns out its to much for him to see me out and about (& this is coming from someone who I think doesn't have a heart.) And he felt sick to his stomache and wanted to leave. He was even going to leave his friend there that he rode in with (on his bike...he would have had a way home.) He wants me back. I don't know. The weird thing is that just before I see him or know that I'm about to see him, my heart beats a millions miles a minute. He and I have been through so much already but he really hurt me. I just dont know what to do. He's the first guy that I ever dated that was done the right way from the very beginning. He was first my friend, then I fell in love with him, then we made love. Alot of people do it backwards. I think its the greatestest foundation for a relationship to be friends first. I thought he was what I wanted but now I don't know. I told him that too. I'm not into playing games, never have been and I'm not "making him sweat", but I just really don't know. I didn't want to let it all go at first but now over two weeks later and a huge empty home, I really don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Let us know when your ex kills his brother in a fit of passion. Maybe he'll come after you next. Link to post Share on other sites
Author racergirl Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 o, that's not gonna happen... nothin' but love here. after a reality & morality check, i've decided to not date his brother. i could not come between them two because i care to much about BOTH of them. i do not know whether or not i will take my x back or not, but if i dont, i know that i will be losing both of them because my friendship with his brother is strong and is starting to come between them two and yea, maybe it could work being friends, but it's too hard right now to tell. Link to post Share on other sites
moon Posted May 29, 2005 Share Posted May 29, 2005 I find it amazing that people even ask such questions. Would you like your ex fiance to date your sister? Would you? Would you like that at all? Would you see the value in it? Would you think your ex fiance was not the lowest creature on the planet? Would you hate him for coming in between your relationship with your sister? Would you??????? Would you think he had any valid reason to be doing such a thing? Would you see the merits in it at all? Would you for a minute think he had any good point? Ahhhhh, NO.. Come on! Think about it. It doesn't matter if his brother is on the cover of Beautiful Men magazine and he's throwing himself at you. Have some standards girl. Seriously, boundaries.....mean anything to you? I don't get it? I just don't get it. Move on and find somebody outside your ex's family. Yes, that's right. Seriously, I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 29, 2005 Share Posted May 29, 2005 Originally posted by TUDOR I think the brother is familiar and has a level of comfort that is telling you he is safer than starting over and going through the dating process with someone you don't know. That may be true. If you think he might be the love of your life then go for it. But you wouldn't be here asking for advice if you were in love with his brother. You would be spending all your time together without any doubts, both grateful to mother nature that created the other one... Their parents might be right that it's subconscious revenge though. However as much as the situation is awkward and weird, you have a right to be happy with his brother and owe your ex nothing. MOON! Her ex didn't want to marry her, he used her, and was not right for her. His brother is a better person and they like each other. If you had a GF who you didn't deserve and treated badly, and if your brother was right for her and loved her, would you be so selfish to stop them from being together? Would you think that two people who deserve each other should be deprived from love so that you - the one who didn't want the girl - can be totally happy? Why do you identify yourself with the ex-BF in the first place? Why don't you put yourself in the other two people's shoes?! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2005 Share Posted May 29, 2005 No. And reading your response after many replies on your thread, I'm glad to hear that you've decided against dating your ex's brother. Just isn't cool. Don't think you'd like one of your ex's dating your sister... Link to post Share on other sites
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