OW is being sued

[NewLeaf512]

This post smacks of the double standard that has been applied to affairs for some time.

 

While I agree that the mm should be held accountable for the pain he causes his wife and family, so should the ow.

 

Just as it's time to get rid of the stereotype of the mm who is not responsible for his actions because "he is just doing what men do", it's also time to get rid of the stereotype of the defenseless, doe eyed ow who is led down the path of evil by the sneaky, seductive mm. So long as women continue to see themselves as helpless to withstand a man's advances and to just say "no", they give away their power over their own lives and happiness.

 

Both mm and ow are adults, and unless they both just fell off the turnip truck, they both knew about affairs and the pain and heartache they cause for all involved. One can hardly go on line, turn on the tv or pick up a magazine without seeing infidelity discussed.

 

As to the ow's child, yes, that child should be taken into consideration, but again, that old double standard tears its ugly head. the bs is expected to have consideration for the ow child, yet where was that same care and consideration for her children? Why is the ow not expected to avoid the affair in the first place because it could be hurtful to the bs kids? Why are excuses made? Why is the old chestnut of " not my marriage/ not my responsibility" trotted out in one situation but not the other?

 

The fallout to the ow child is because of her choices, just as the fallout for the bs kids are because of her ws.

 

The pain to the children is due to the affair even happening in the first place.hat horse has left the barn and for either the mm or the ow to claim it's the bs who is hurting the kids is pretty disingenuous.

 

 

There is a lot of good and some not so good in this post for me.

 

 

Lets address the vilification (assuming both parties knew someone was married) AP and MP are both wrong. Probably 50/50, but the MM/MW is 100% betrayal on their BS.

I have read probably 1000 posts since I joined (as I am looking for work and have quite some time on my hands between interviews) and in the predominance of cases, the OW/OM but particularly the OW gets her head on a stick. MM's member didn't fall out of his trousers and into another woman by accident. AP didn't accept physical contact by accident. The language of: Took, Steal, Stole and so forth is jus plan silly.

 

 

Children: They are innocents and all attempts should be made to protect them from adult idiots such as myself who became an OW

[autumnnight]

Children: They are innocents and all attempts should be made to protect them

 

This is true. And sometimes that means forgoiung your pound of flesh in favor of caring more about your children. SHOULD the WS have thought of that? Yes. Does that mean that YOU are off the hook for any affect your reaction may have on children?

 

No

 

NO

 

NO

 

Sorry, them's the facts.

[ladydesigner]

There is a lot of good and some not so good in this post for me.

 

 

Lets address the vilification (assuming both parties knew someone was married) AP and MP are both wrong. Probably 50/50, but the MM/MW is 100% betrayal on their BS.

I have read probably 1000 posts since I joined (as I am looking for work and have quite some time on my hands between interviews) and in the predominance of cases, the OW/OM but particularly the OW gets her head on a stick. MM's member didn't fall out of his trousers and into another woman by accident. AP didn't accept physical contact by accident. The language of: Took, Steal, Stole and so forth is jus plan silly.

 

 

Children: They are innocents and all attempts should be made to protect them from adult idiots such as myself who became an OW

 

Well I know as a BS that MOW couldn't steal or take my WH, I'm pretty sure deep down the BS knows this. It feels very painful to lose the one you love, the one who you thought would have your back through thick and thin. In a sense it does 'feel' like the AP is taking our spouse because our spouse is no longer treating us in the same fashion they treat the AP. My WH treated the MOW far better than I during his A. He gave all his attention, sexual attention and emotional intimacy to her. It hurt. It hurt REALLY bad, but at the end of the day I knew I couldn't control him, nor would I want to. OW sometimes does get her head on stick, but don't think that my WH isn't on another stick.

 

Now that I have lots of time to have digested all that has happened. I no longer harbor anger or Ill will towards the MOW, during the A I did though. My WH is ultimately to blame and his head is still on a stick. I have actually forgiven the MOW before my WH. He doesn't get off the hook

[NewLeaf512]

This is true. And sometimes that means forgoiung your pound of flesh in favor of caring more about your children. SHOULD the WS have thought of that? Yes. Does that mean that YOU are off the hook for any affect your reaction may have on children?

 

No

 

NO

 

NO

 

Sorry, them's the facts.

 

 

So Im not sure to whom's facts you may be referring, they certainly aren't any facts I am aware of and in my case no children were involved.

 

 

So there is NO ME to be let off any hook, if there were children involved (I don't have any children) and I don't legally have responsibility for any children, it's pretty clear that the parents of any children have the responsibility to keep them safe.

[autumnnight]

So Im not sure to whom's facts you may be referring, they certainly aren't any facts I am aware of and in my case no children were involved.

 

 

So there is NO ME to be let off any hook, if there were children involved (I don't have any children) and I don't legally have responsibility for any children, it's pretty clear that the parents of any children have the responsibility to keep them safe.

 

I wasn't posting directly to you. I was making the point that while yes, the WS is ultimately responsible, I have to say I'm not too impressed with a parent who would willingly take an action to drag their kids through public trauma just to exact...whatever...on the WS and AP. We can say all day long "well, it's the fault of the person who cheated," but a BS still DOES have a choice as to how far to go.

[sweet_pea]

There is a lot of good and some not so good in this post for me.

 

 

Lets address the vilification (assuming both parties knew someone was married) AP and MP are both wrong. Probably 50/50, but the MM/MW is 100% betrayal on their BS.

I have read probably 1000 posts since I joined (as I am looking for work and have quite some time on my hands between interviews) and in the predominance of cases, the OW/OM but particularly the OW gets her head on a stick. MM's member didn't fall out of his trousers and into another woman by accident. AP didn't accept physical contact by accident. The language of: Took, Steal, Stole and so forth is jus plan silly.

 

 

Children: They are innocents and all attempts should be made to protect them from adult idiots such as myself who became an OW

 

So how would you recommend a betrayed spouse discuss the Other Person on a message board/forum? How should one express their feelings in regard to the AP?

[autumnnight]

So how would you recommend a betrayed spouse discuss the Other Person on a message board/forum? How should one express their feelings in regard to the AP?

 

I can understand why it would bother someone to feel that OW/OM are villified....but honestly, surely a BS's hurt and anger at the AP can be understood. I mean, even if they weren't the WS, even IF maybe the WS would have found someone else...the fact is, THIS OW/OM was the one who participated in the cheating.

 

It shouldn't be too hard to understand the hurt.

[NewLeaf512]

I wasn't posting directly to you. I was making the point that while yes, the WS is ultimately responsible, I have to say I'm not too impressed with a parent who would willingly take an action to drag their kids through public trauma just to exact...whatever...on the WS and AP. We can say all day long "well, it's the fault of the person who cheated," but a BS still DOES have a choice as to how far to go.

 

 

thanks for clarifying

[NewLeaf512]

So how would you recommend a betrayed spouse discuss the Other Person on a message board/forum? How should one express their feelings in regard to the AP?

 

 

Hi Sweetpea. Thank you for your post. I totally think that the BS has every right to express feeling of hurt, anger and confusion or what ever else that they need in these forums. What I feel is important is, that WS gets at least a mention, particularly in cases where AP was fooled into believing that WS was divorced/single/separated.

 

 

Does that make sense?

[purplesorrow]

So Im not sure to whom's facts you may be referring, they certainly aren't any facts I am aware of and in my case no children were involved.

 

 

So there is NO ME to be let off any hook, if there were children involved (I don't have any children) and I don't legally have responsibility for any children, it's pretty clear that the parents of any children have the responsibility to keep them safe.

 

Just as I know suing her would possibly hurt her child, any adult having an affair with a married person knows they are helping to hurt a family. Most just don't care because it's not their family.

[Sub]

I have to say I'm not too impressed with a parent who would willingly take an action to drag their kids through public trauma just to exact...whatever...on the WS and AP.

 

It depends on how public the A had already become, and maybe the age of the kids. The BW in this case may feel like the A was an attack on her family and kids, and taking this course of action is a means of fighting back in their defense. We don't know the conversations she's having with her kid(s) about it to prepare them for whatever fallout may occur. It may work, it may not. But I wouldn't just assume that the mudslinging and potential public "trauma" is going to bring hardship on the kids.

[autumnnight]

It depends on how public the A had already become, and maybe the age of the kids. The BW in this case may feel like the A was an attack on her family and kids, and taking this course of action is a means of fighting back in their defense. We don't know the conversations she's having with her kid(s) about it to prepare them for whatever fallout may occur. It may work, it may not. But I wouldn't just assume that the mudslinging and potential public "trauma" is going to bring hardship on the kids.

 

True, and ultimately this is the decision of the actual BS and actual direct participants/parties.

 

Where it gets weird is when outside people start thinking THEY are entitled to put a dog into that race.

[Spark1111]

Hi Sweetpea. Thank you for your post. I totally think that the BS has every right to express feeling of hurt, anger and confusion or what ever else that they need in these forums. What I feel is important is, that WS gets at least a mention, particularly in cases where AP was fooled into believing that WS was divorced/single/separated.

 

 

Does that make sense?

 

I've YET to read a BS vilifying ANY OM, OW who was duped into believing the MWS was single.

 

In fact, BS in that scenario, for the most part, have been extremely empathetic because they too were lied to and deceived. Victims recognize other true victims.

 

But I find that rare.....very rare on these boards.

[Furious]

I've YET to read a BS vilifying ANY OM, OW who was duped into believing the MWS was single.

 

In fact, BS in that scenario, for the most part, have been extremely empathetic because they too were lied to and deceived. Victims recognize other true victims.

 

But I find that rare.....very rare on these boards.

 

 

I agree Spark, I have empathy for women who become the unknowing OW and often I feel empathy for knowing OW who are vulnerable and strung along.

 

What I see often is OW who hold the BS in contempt and many say they owe her nothing. The irony is if a betrayed spouse feels they owe nothing to the OW it's made as a bad thing. Smh

[NewLeaf512]

I've YET to read a BS vilifying ANY OM, OW who was duped into believing the MWS was single.

 

In fact, BS in that scenario, for the most part, have been extremely empathetic because they too were lied to and deceived. Victims recognize other true victims.

 

But I find that rare.....very rare on these boards.

 

I agree Spark, I have empathy for women who become the unknowing OW and often I feel empathy for knowing OW who are vulnerable and strung along.

 

What I see often is OW who hold the BS in contempt and many say they owe her nothing. The irony is if a betrayed spouse feels they owe nothing to the OW it's made as a bad thing. Smh

 

 

So without having you both go through my whole boring story, I was misled, thought I was a GF, found out I was an OW, stopped the PA immediately then screwed up and had an EA (during which time we never physically saw each other) so in my case some sympathy but more a kick up the backside was needed

[ladydesigner]

So without having you both go through my whole boring story, I was misled, thought I was a GF, found out I was an OW, stopped the PA immediately then screwed up and had an EA (during which time we never physically saw each other) so in my case some sympathy but more a kick up the backside was needed

 

Sorry to hear that (((NewLeaf512))). That is just awful you were misled and I can understand why you continued with an EA. It is not easy to just cut your emotions off like that. These MM come in all forms.

[NewLeaf512]

Sorry to hear that (((NewLeaf512))). That is just awful you were misled and I can understand why you continued with an EA. It is not easy to just cut your emotions off like that. These MM come in all forms.

 

 

Thanks for your message. It still makes me an individual lacking in self-awareness which hopefully has improved. Going back to the OP topic about being sued, I meant to explain the difference between AoA (alienation of affection) and CC (criminal conversation)

 

 

Weirdly (in my opinion) AoA whereby the BS brings an action against the AP of the WS is an action where the BS is NOT alleging that the WS and the AP had sex. CC IS the action that alleges sex. Which one is filed more? AoA. which one brings higher monetary judgements most of the time... AoA!

 

 

Although they are both tort claims (not criminal but civil with a legal remedy) they can be filed concurrently. The law refers to the AP as paramour (which I find funny to think of a man in this way) It's my opinion (and I did a search and revision in WestLaw) that as tort claims are a legal liability claim resulting in a damages/loss to BS, they are difficult to prove and hard to recover against. Although there are a laundry list of items a BS can claim against (some easy to prove like therapy bills) some completely subjective and really hard to prove (consortium meaning BS got less sex from WS because they were busy elsewhere, especially if the Defendant is male, this usually gets thrown out ? is this because men are considered to always be ready for sex, I'm not sure!?) and how much "sex" is worth to the BS in $$ seems impossible to understand. Is there a price list? Intercourse = $500 whilst kissing $10 etc...? Legal costs of BS are easy. These are called compulsory damages.

 

 

The second type of award that can be given is one for Punitive Damages (Punishing the AP for really bad behaviour on top of the above).

 

 

A Plaintiff cant be awarded Punitive Damages UNLESS the conditions for Compulsory Damages are met. N.C.G.S. Section 1D-25 and 35

 

 

What are the conditions in which Punitive Damages are awarded? Well this legally is where it is really hairy and kind of all about the jury (so jury selection is important) To be considered the burden of proof is on the BS to show the AP has done some really over the top behaviour WITH MALICE and usually over a sustained period of time. the with malice part is the key legal finding here. Meaning, the AP has deliberately set out to hurt or harm BS. Some AP do act with malice although some are just knuckleheads.

 

 

Generally these cases take a while to prepare legally and a lot of proof is needed. There is a statue of limitations of 3 years from the date of the loss. Example: if a BS brought an AoA the BS would have to show the last incident of malfeasance occurred less than 3 years prior to the date of filing. If BS and WS attempted to reconcile and worked on it for a year, before deciding to split, a claim could still be brought by BS but now BS has 2 years to get the lawyer, gather evidence and file. Also the court would look less favourably on that because if the BS and WS tried reconciliation it looks like less damage was done to BS.

 

 

In summary, high stakes, huge emotional investment, lots of up front legal costs, it's public record, no body involved comes out smelling good, it keeps the pain going for ages and if BS is going for alimony in a D and is under 65, these states award lifetime alimony in certain circumstances, so if BS loses, BP is liable for their own legals, and if BS wins and WS and AP are together, the alimony coffers for BS to draw from have gone down resulting in a overall loss of lifetime monetary gain.

 

 

Personally unless you have money and time to burn, and want to carry on being embroiled for yonks in an ugly situation, I don't advise it.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Very interesting post. As a Barrister if you don't mind sharing, were you served with just an AoA or a CC (criminal conversation) as well?

 

I got served a pile of things... A form of AoA, a notice that she was reporting me to the police for a criminal adultery investigation, a notice to appear in front of a judge to assign fault in the divorce, even something about my finances being declared and frozen. I took them, handed them to a lawyer and said I was willing to go to the mat to deal with these things. I spent the afternoon giving an interview to my lawyer, he wrote a formal response that he filed court and served her with, and everything either lapsed or was formally dropped.

 

where was the AP during this? Was the AP with you, with BS, or neither? I am barred in a few states in America none of which has this ridiculous law. Interestingly of all the AoA cases filed in the states that have it, I believe circa 70% are filed against OW. That is surprising as it is typically OM who has more money.

 

I had more money in this situation. However, it wasn't directly about the money, it was about chasing me off, embarassing me, and shamming my now-husband to go back to his ex. By that point, he had left and was gone and living with me and my now ex husband was gone too. She served my ex husband and me a bunch of insane things... My ex husband said he didn't want anything to do with it and I said that if she wanted things to get messy, I'd make them crazy, crazy messy. Ultimately, as I said, it was all dropped or response limits had expired. Their divorce was no-fault and that was the end of it.

[sandylee1]

Most stay though. Few divorce. And visitation, custody and spit of finances happen in divorces even without infidelity. Like mine.

 

Is that most that you know off personally?

I think with kids many will give it a second chance, and try MC to work through it if possible.

 

It's after another dday or if the WS isn't doing the heavy lifting that they'll pull the plug.

 

I have to say I'm suprised with the number of men who don't divorce immediately after their wives cheat. I always had men down as being less tolerant off Infidelity.

[sandylee1]

I think some BSs do this to make the AP feel humiliated. Unless the AP is rolling in cash it's not about getting money, it's to have their morals publicly out there.

 

I think it bothers women more than men, who people don't hold to as high moral standards.

 

Personally it's not something I'd do. I will never allow anyone to think their that important to me. My H and the OW have similar morals, so it's best they stay together and leave me to find a man with integrity.

 

Other BSs feel differently. Good luck to them. I think if the APs faced such shame , they wouldn't do it again. They rarely face consequences for their part in an affair and being thrown under the bus is not a consequence. Serves them right for BSs who can do it.

[Popsicle]

Is that most that you know off personally?

.

 

No, I know of a whole lot more but what better case for me to give as an example than my own.

[Cressida]

What I understood was that a OW was being sued by a WS or someone in a state where adultery was criminalized. Since this is obviously a big load of crap in my opinion (the fact that the state criminalizes personal behaviors), the child of the OW should not have to suffer for what his mother did. Just like children of separating couples should be as shielded as possible from the marital drama happening between their adult parents.

 

Secondly, it is absolutely true that women who enter in relationships with married men bear the responsibility of 'degrading' themselves for another woman's 'seconds', and for entering a dishonest relationship. I know this very well.

 

However, in most cases of serious full-blown affairs and not just flings, it isn't the OWs fault as most of the times she is lead to believe that the marriage is down the drain and divorce is imminent. No woman would enter a relationship with a man, albeit married, if she knows she'll always be the mistress. No MM is completely honest about it, except for cases when the affair is just sexually based or when both partners enter the deal fully knowing about these aspects.

 

I am now speaking of relationships where the BS ends up so hurt because of the length of it, the intensity, the intimacy that had developed between her husband and another woman. No matter how much it would hurt, I am 100% sure that all women would rather their husband had sex with a prostitute than have a full-blown affair with another woman, for months or even years.

That was my point.

 

In such cases, the fault is not 50-50. It's 90% the MM, as he's deceiving two people for two different reasons, while the OW sits daydreaming about their 'future'.

Edited August 21, 2015 by Cressida

[Cressida]

I got served a pile of things... A form of AoA, a notice that she was reporting me to the police for a criminal adultery investigation, a notice to appear in front of a judge to assign fault in the divorce, even something about my finances being declared and frozen.

 

 

Good grief. I just can't believe it. Thank goodness I live in Europe....

[purplesorrow]

What I understood was that a OW was being sued by a WS or someone in a state where adultery was criminalized. Since this is obviously a big load of crap in my opinion (the fact that the state criminalizes personal behaviors), the child of the OW should not have to suffer for what his mother did. Just like children of separating couples should be as shielded as possible from the marital drama happening between their adult parents.

 

Secondly, it is absolutely true that women who enter in relationships with married men bear the responsibility of 'degrading' themselves for another woman's 'seconds', and for entering a dishonest relationship. I know this very well.

 

However, in most cases of serious full-blown affairs and not just flings, it isn't the OWs fault as most of the times she is lead to believe that the marriage is down the drain and divorce is imminent. No woman would enter a relationship with a man, albeit married, if she knows she'll always be the mistress. No MM is completely honest about it, except for cases when the affair is just sexually based or when both partners enter the deal fully knowing about these aspects.

 

I am now speaking of relationships where the BS ends up so hurt because of the length of it, the intensity, the intimacy that had developed between her husband and another woman. No matter how much it would hurt, I am 100% sure that all women would rather their husband had sex with a prostitute than have a full-blown affair with another woman, for months or even years.

That was my point.

 

In such cases, the fault is not 50-50. It's 90% the MM, as he's deceiving two people for two different reasons, while the OW sits daydreaming about their 'future'.

1. The ow in my case didn't care about the state of my marriage. He offered her a sex only relationship, she accepted.

2. I read several emails with him telling her he loved his wife and he was cheating because of him and his issues.

3. No, I would not have preferred prostitutes. That would not have made me feel any better. He said his ow was a free prostitute. So very sad.

4. Fault can't be measured. Both were wrong. Doesn't really matter, he was accountable to me, not her.

[truncated]

What I understood was that a OW was being sued by a WS or someone in a state where adultery was criminalized. Since this is obviously a big load of crap in my opinion (the fact that the state criminalizes personal behaviors), the child of the OW should not have to suffer for what his mother did. Just like children of separating couples should be as shielded as possible from the marital drama happening between their adult parents.

 

Secondly, it is absolutely true that women who enter in relationships with married men bear the responsibility of 'degrading' themselves for another woman's 'seconds', and for entering a dishonest relationship. I know this very well.

 

However, in most cases of serious full-blown affairs and not just flings, it isn't the OWs fault as most of the times she is lead to believe that the marriage is down the drain and divorce is imminent. No woman would enter a relationship with a man, albeit married, if she knows she'll always be the mistress. No MM is completely honest about it, except for cases when the affair is just sexually based or when both partners enter the deal fully knowing about these aspects.

 

I am now speaking of relationships where the BS ends up so hurt because of the length of it, the intensity, the intimacy that had developed between her husband and another woman. No matter how much it would hurt, I am 100% sure that all women would rather their husband had sex with a prostitute than have a full-blown affair with another woman, for months or even years.

That was my point.

 

In such cases, the fault is not 50-50. It's 90% the MM, as he's deceiving two people for two different reasons, while the OW sits daydreaming about their 'future'.

 

I don't think there are all that many women who really buy into the " marriage is down the drain and divorce in imminent", especially if the affair is long term.

 

I could understand if the spouses were living apart and the mm says " we are separated and getting a divorce," or even worse " we are divorced" " or if they live in different countries or so far away form each other that there is no way for the ow to verify his statement...to a point.

 

The longer the affair goes on and mm is still at home, the harder it is to believe the ow really and wholly buys into his lies. If she does, it's willful blindness, she sees what she wants to see. I wonder how many ow, who know that mm is still living at home,can see on his and his wife's social media that family vacations are still happening, the "life is good" posts are still being put up, etc. really believe,way deep down in their heart of hearts, that he is getting a divorce.

 

the really sad part about the attitude in the quoted post, about how the responsibility for the ow making the choice to enter a dishonest relationship, have her children hurt, etc. is the mm is that is degrading to women, condescending and treats them like children who can't be trusted to make good decisions and who are too stupid to make choices. It's akin to patting a little girl on the head and saying "there, there, it's not your fault, it's the big, bad married man".

 

Ow are adults, and like all adults, they sometimes screw up. simple as that. The one who hurt their kids is them , and the one who is responsible for their choices is also them. Better to learn form it and move on rather than have it taint their whole life, and accepting responsibility for their choices makes that far easier than blaming them on someone else.