MM doesn't believe in divorce [updated]

[sunburned]

Have you read one word of the 4 pages of advice you've gotten here? It's like everyone's telling you flat out how foolish you're acting and you don't address any of it - you just update us on yet another thing this using pig has said or done. And 99.9% of the time, it's yet something ELSE he's done to disrespect you. No surprise there.

 

Of course he'll always be a serial cheater.

 

Why?

 

Well, as long as there are delusional women who are happy to degrade, disrespect and debase themselves - continually for years - just to be a sperm receptacle for him, he'll always have the opportunity.

 

Your story is just painful, Savannah. I beg you to just go dark. You will feel better down the road when you know you finally took the bull by the horns. You have lost so much here. Reclaim a small shred of dignity as your own.

[lemondrop21]

I haven't even read this thread yet, just read the title and laughed out loud. "Doesn't believe in divorce" is the greatest load of rubbish I've heard on this board! God forbid you ask him to do something he "doesn't believe in," so you need to just shut up and take it while he sleeps with you/builds a relationship with you/whatever, but offers you no future.

 

I really feel for you... that's a downright awful line.

[Savannah2]

I have be no contact now for a few weeks and getting better each day. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on all the crazy things he told me. One being, that he doesn't believe in divorce because he was raised Catholic and has that guilt. Unmmmm... But you are okay with having an affair for four years both physical and emotional?! This man will continue to cheat his entire marriage I'm convinced. I just don't get it. How can he honestly believe an affair is ok but divorce is not an option?!

[Ms. Faust]

Welp. It worked for Spencer Tracy.

[Popsicle]

Yeah, that was hogwash. Men hate divorce, period. Has nothing to do with religion. A wise male friend I once had said to me "Do you know the part in the marriage vows that says Until Death Do Us Part? Men wrote that part!"

 

lol

 

It's true though, men hate divorce. It doesn't matter whether there is money or kids involved or not, they just hate it. That is why most divorces are initiated and/or filed by women. Yes, they would rather die than get a divorce. I am generalizing here, but I do believe most men feel this way.

 

Given that, as an OW, you have no chance. They do like fantasizing and dreaming about it though. Especially with you if it also has the added benefit of making you gush all over him and make him feel good.

[dubliner]

Aside from the unequal custody/maintenance issues men have to suffer, for some MM I believe it's also about ego.

Divorce, to some, is to fail. To say to the wider social/family that the relationship that he was an equal part of, failed, and to admit a part in that faliure.

They do not want to be the bad guy/destroyer/one that 'gives up'/one that didn't try/*insert any other negative responsiblity phrase* . No matter how bad the relationship, a man filing for divorce is bound to be judged harshly.

I feel women are treated with more compassion through emotional tribulation so fear relationship failure less than men.

[Krashi]

I have be no contact now for a few weeks and getting better each day. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on all the crazy things he told me. One being, that he doesn't believe in divorce because he was raised Catholic and has that guilt. Unmmmm... But you are okay with having an affair for four years both physical and emotional?! This man will continue to cheat his entire marriage I'm convinced. I just don't get it. How can he honestly believe an affair is ok but divorce is not an option?!

 

Lots of rationalizing on both your parts, I imagine. I suppose he could wonder how you can justify cheating, yet wonder why it is unacceptable for him to not want to commit. It is tough to question his values etc. when your own are not all that above board.

[WestEndGirl]

They do not want to be the bad guy/destroyer/one that 'gives up'/one that didn't try/*insert any other negative responsiblity phrase* . No matter how bad the relationship, a man filing for divorce is bound to be judged harshly.

 

So true. My M to my exH was so beyond bad, it defies a descriptor. We didn't sleep in the same bed (hadn't for years), hadn't had sex (for two years -- and never would again), and he'd lived with his mistress for a year, but he STILL DIDN'T WANT TO GET DIVORCED! I had to pull the trigger, or else we'd still be stuck in the same pointless, loveless M. I sometimes think that he checked out/behaved so badly in order to force the issue and not be thought of as the "bad guy". Amazingly, he got all of the pity during our separation and divorce. I was the big meanie that wouldn't treat him right. In reality, we were just a bad match for each other.

[LimeBlue]

I sometimes think that he checked out/behaved so badly in order to force the issue and not be thought of as the "bad guy".

 

This is what my MM is hoping for as well. He is so wishy washy and flip flappy, that he needs permission for everything. His wife will never willingly divorce him, and he won't leave her, so I wish them well in their misery together. Maybe things will improve between them, I do not care anymore. I cannot care, else it means more hurt for me.

[WestEndGirl]

His wife will never willingly divorce him, and he won't leave her, so I wish them well in their misery together. Maybe things will improve between them, I do not care anymore. I cannot care, else it means more hurt for me.

 

I don't understand what people are doing with their lives. We only have one of them. Look, I will try to salvage a M (I did try), but once it gets to a certain point, you have two people squandering time they will never get back.