Second Chance Not Working Out - I'm Scared!

[Half Baked]

Hi There,

 

I am at my wits' end and could use some insightful advice.

 

I am a 34 year old single mom of two who has been dating a 35 year old divorced single dad of two, for almost 3 years now. The relationship has brought me to the most wonderful of highs to the worst depths of the lows. I feel like some kind of addict, because when it gets low I become almost completely debilitated.

 

After the first 8 months of dating, I found out that he never really "stopped" seeing his ex girlfriend. My instincts were very strong that he was not being faithful, and after I found out he was I spiraled into a horrible depression. I have this thing about believing everything is peachy, when deep down inside I know it is not, but I chose to ignore it until I found out for sure. Since then, we have broken up and gotten back together at least 4 times. Broken up because he never could fully extricate himself from the other woman, and then I guess when he couldn't deal with it anymore, he would come running back to me. After the 3rd or 4th time of this, I said to him that I couldn't see him ever again because this rigamarole was affecting my health, my kids, my life.

 

After another "break," I really thought this was it. I felt like I could put him behind me, and started going to therapy to help deal with the issues. Not issues of him - - but of me, of why in hell I would stay with someone who continually behaved this way. It really frightens me that I am able to forgive and forget as soon as he wants me back. I'm not sure what it is. I cannot truly say I love this man, because I do not respect him or his behavior, so I don't know what it is. I guess because when it's good, it's really wonderful, but experience shows that it never lasts. This is what I am dealing with right now.

 

About 5 months ago I broke down and started seeing him again, because he told me once again that he wants to be with me, only me, and how much he loves me. I was extremely cautious and kept my guard up, but all his behavior seemed to really negate his past behavior. He became very attentive, loving, involved, and wanting to make it work. However, as in the past, all of a sudden now he starts pulling away from me...which makes me think he is being deceptive again (patterns I'm used to seeing in him). When I told him that I was starting to feel insecure again, and asked if there was anything wrong, he blew up at me and refused to discuss it. He turned it around on me saying I was whiny, that I was starting to suffocate him, that he needs his own space. That I am pushing him to the edge of breaking up again because he does not want to be obligated to call me or any of the other obligations that come along with being in a relationship. All I've asked of him is that he be faithful and considerate of my feelings, that I am not looking to remarry or have him be "Dad #2" to my daughters. He pushes to get close, and when I finally let my guard down he runs away again.

 

He told me yesterday that he never told me we were boyfriend/girlfriend....I felt like I was insane...how in the world would I have made something like that up? I said, if that's how you feel then we can't be together. He says, can't we just enjoy each other's company and ask no questions/keep tabs on the other? I said no. Then he says, I just need a break. I've been overwhelmed with "all your drama" and just need some SPACE. When I started crying he berated me for "being a baby". I haven't been dramatic at all, other than trying to discuss the situation without accusation or bringing up the past - - just trying to be honest with him about my feelings.

 

Basically he controls this relationship because I have agreed to his every whim. When he left yesterday morning without saying goodbye, or giving me a card or gift like he always does on Mother's Day, I asked him what was wrong when I called him after I got up. He started yelling at me and said, "GOD CAN'T I JUST LEAVE TO GO DO WHAT I NEED TO DO WITHOUT HAVING TO GIVE YOU AN EXPLANATION??"

 

I want to leave him because this is truly sickening. I am always left hurt and confused and feeling like I am completely insane. All I want from him, or a partner, is to feel secure. I don't care what he does when he isn't with me, as long as it's not something I have to worry about. I feel like I never can separate though - I am so busy with work and my children, that my free time is all devoted to him. At this point I can't even enjoy my free time without him. I have turned into a person that I never thought I'd be. I have always been independent and rational (for the most part!) and now feel like I cannot be.

 

Seeing my own words makes me so ashamed and hurt, because if I read this from someone else, I'd be screaming "LEAVE THE BASTARD!!" - - but it is so much easier said than done when it comes to him. I can't act like I can kick him to the curb because I am so weak when it comes to him. I think he is "addicted" to me too, and two wrongs are NOT making a right.

 

We left it like this: He wants a week "off" and we will see each other on Friday. I guarantee you he won't be discussing any of it, because that is the way he deals with things....by not dealing with them. He bashes all my feelings when I calmly try to explain why I am feeling insecure. I'm a baby, whiner, manipulator of feelings (he calls crying and discussion "Women's Manipulation Tactics"). However, he says he loves me like no other and wants to be with me...

 

I don't know what my questions are. I needed to write this down-I know it is long, and I apologize. I am leaving out tons of details but hopefully you get the gist. I am a smart, beautiful woman......so I have been told, and I do believe that I am a beautiful person inside and out. I am just so unhappy that I am unraveling. Any comments or advice or comfort would be so appreciated.

[Firesqueak]

He sounds like a boyfriend, not a husband.

 

A friend of mine and I frequently have this conversation-

 

A boyfriend is like Rhett Butler. Many women marry boyfriends, thinking they will change into husbands.

 

Maybe you're asking too much of him- maybe he's just not able to give you what you need, and "cheats" on you to keep your love for him at bay.

 

I think you should perhaps look deep into yourself to find out what about him drives you wild. If you do, perhaps your reasons will be as follows:

 

Exciting

Charming

Funny

 

A husband's list of qualities would be lmore ike

 

Holds down a steady job

takes care of his kids, put them first

Pays the bills on time

 

 

Also, if he is hurting you this bad, you should probably just leave him. Maybe you want him because you know in your heart that you can never really have him, despite the chemistry you may share. I'm sure that your kids are also hurt by watching you go through this painful relationship.

 

To be an example for them (because I'm sure you wouldn't want them to stay in a relationship that hurts them) you should leave.

[Half Baked]

Firesqueak,

 

I liked your reply. I understand the way he is, and what he is not able to give me, and I accept that he cannot be Mr. Future Husband. I love being with him, and so enjoy our times together. He doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want to commit to even the most meager of requests. I have tried the casual dating with him, but too much time has passed for me to feel like I would be OK with him being with someone else. I feel like I am just a stand in until the next woman comes along. He says it isn't about other women, but HIM. I respect that and wouldn't want to take all his space, but he usually leads the way, and when I follow, he turns around and runs.

 

Friday I predict he will come over to see me, treat me like a queen, and then run again.

 

I try to keep him separate from the kids, other than the occasional outing, etc. But they do see my cry and see me unhappy and I know it breaks their hearts. I wish I could be ok with casually dating him but I can't.

[Firesqueak]

Well, I hope that you don't let him hurt you again. If you DO want to continue seeing him, you have to be O.K. with him not seeing you as his top priority.

 

Personally, here is what I think is going on in your head, just because I've been there

 

1) You know you're a sweet, witty person. You know you have alot to offer.

2) here comes Mr. Jerkface, who treats you exactly opposite of how you should be treated

3) you fall in love with him and slowly convince yourself that it's ok for him to treat you like garbage

4) your subconsious tries to tell you that it's not ok for him to act like this, but you've convinced yourself that you must deserve it.

 

Eventually, because you know all these things, you will start to get mad at yourself, and see yourself as weak, which will compound your problem.

 

I think you should start getting into therapy, it will help in the long run.

[Half Baked]

Firesqueak,

 

Yep you hit it right on the head.

 

I have been in therapy and I do know what I need to do, but I just don't want to give up on him and let go. Any time I've brought up ending it...he says, "oh sure. throw this all away for nothing."

 

I get mixed signals. The only way this will work is if I follow what he wants, at any given moment. That, in turn, makes me paranoid, anxious, and always wondering what the hell will happen next. As soon as I start to get my head & heart in alignment, here he comes to make sure that I don't get "smart" and do something as ridiculous as actually ending the relationship.

 

I think if I were to really get honest with myself, I would see that I probably believe that I deserve this, that because of my situation (single parent) I don't deserve any more than the scraps I get. I know this is not his problem, but mine, and it's something I have to fight daily. He says he doesn't care what I do w/o him, but he snoops through my phone, my computer, my house...and anything he finds "suspicious" sets him into a tailspin.

 

My only options are to leave, or to stay and accept the situation at length. I know I'm not #1 priority in his life, and that's ok. He isn't mine. We both have children. However, when I am crying about all of this, missing a day of work due to a night of no sleep....I see I am not putting my children first. That is the most disappointing thing of it all.

[Half Baked]

I thought I'd give an update because my story truly took a turn!

 

Friday we were supposed to see eachother after 4 days of no contact. Friday night I am sitting here waiting for him to show up, which he never did. I called a friend about 730 pm and we made plans to go have dinner & drinks. About 930 pm I check my phone and I see his name on my caller ID (I missed the call). When I listen to the message...it's the "Other Woman" letting me know that she is with him, and she found my number in his phone. I call back and she tells me she's been with him for a month or so, blah blah blah. I answered her questions of timeframes and told her to please not call me anymore, that I was not mad at her, but that I didn't want anything to do with the situation anymore. I wished her well. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me, some oppressing, disgusting, diahrrea- & -vomit inducing weight! Of course this disappointed me and hurt like hell...but to know I wasn't crazy for feeling he was cheating and lying was the best gift I have ever received. Of course I have not heard from him but Other Woman has been calling me and forwarding his text messages to me all day and evening (I hit the delete button so many times on my cell phone, I think I got a blister).

 

Anyway, since this has happened before, I can already predict the future: He will tire of trying to win her back, and will be here on his hands and knees in a few weeks. I am excited to know that I can't and won't take him back. It's weird because I've had this drama for 3 years now and it's become so familiar that I wonder what the new chapter in my life will be like without it.

 

I think I've realized that when I react so horribly as I did when losing someone him, part of the horror was knowing I'd have to face my life without a diversion. I don't have a bad life at all, but I don't get to travel the world at a moment's notice or do anything particularly "exciting" due to the fact that I have enormous responsibility raising my children practically on my own. I have just learned that I don't have to make myself hurt for love, and that when my children have grown and gone to college, I will be making another chapter in my life. And I am going to enjoy the love and warmth of my daughters while I can, because they are growing so fast that I am wondering where all the time went. Sometimes the most painful lessons are the blessing in disguise.

 

I have been fending off men left and right for months now - maybe it's time to let one of the good ones in