Dumper called MY grandma! [Update 9/1 - dumper texted apology]

[quattrob]

I'm going to go to counseling and start meditating. I have a great family and a few really good friends. I am NOT excited about seeing him everyday this fall. But I'll push through.

 

 

I don't see how or why someone would come back if they were convinced the relationship/I made them so miserable. Personally I don't see it happening.

 

I was willing to give up everything for this guy and settle in all aspects of my life. I am so glad I got out of it being relatively young (21). I can have the career I want and the man who will treasure me. I poured 110% into that relationship. I am incredibly giving and very selfless to a fault. I need to set up my own boundaries.

 

I am not joking when I said I did anything/everything for him and he was always top of mind. Constantly.

 

I just don't see him coming back. I don't see how he could regret it because he made everything my fault and we had a very miserable 2015.

 

You're focusing at the wrong thing here, in all your posts it's obvious YOU want the idea that he will come back again. I understand why that may make you feel better but this is NOT what should want. We understand that you'd do everything and anything for this guy but listing those things out to us and trying to convince yourself this guy should treat you right isn't going to change anything. Ultimately it is YOU who chooses how to treat yourself right and good not him. You just chose the wrong guy to give your everything to.

 

 

Do you want to keep being treated like dirt, like garbage? That's literally what he did and will keep doing to you if you allow that to happen. Please do what's best for you and don't get back with this guy if he does want to come back. There are so many other amazing guys that would give you everything and anything just the same as what you would too. So don't waste anymore time and energy on this guy.

[rngrl12]

I fully understand that I need to move on. I get it. I shouldn't be focused on if he will/won't come back. Him calling and talking to my grandma on the phone really threw me for a loop

[quattrob]

I fully understand that I need to move on. I get it. I shouldn't be focused on if he will/won't come back. Him calling and talking to my grandma on the phone really threw me for a loop

 

He's picking on you because of your past reactions, like you said you give him so much and almost everytime you guys fight or whatever, you're always the one to admit that you were wrong... I know this first hand and at first you may think that it's worth it because you're doing it out of love and being the better person. But let me tell you that's not how this world works.. this world can be toxic.. when people see you as a person that can be taken advantage of to their own benefit, they WILL do it if you keep allowing it.

 

 

I'm not saying you did anything wrong or bad, just that you did it for the wrong person. You deserve and worth so much more than to have someone take advantage and use you for their own selfishness.

 

 

Please don't care what he does or doesn't do, you're just running around in circles and it's never ending until you stop doing it. I know it's hard but you need to do it for yourself.. the sooner you can forget about him, the quicker your happiness will come.

[rngrl12]

I have a very supportive family and friends and have heard the whole gambit. I'm just trying to focus on myself and move myself on. I am happy to say that I have not contacted him even though he talked to my grandma which he knew would get back to me.

 

I'm surprised that he hasn't tried to reach out to me but I guess I've only been NC since Monday (8/10/15). I have to see him every single day starting 8/24 not thrilled.

[rngrl12]

So I broke down and contacted him. He told me he would talk to me if it would help. I basically told him I was sorry for contacting him and that the biggest thing he could do was just leave me alone and let me get myself together. I feel so dumb for reaching out

 

my heart hurts

[rngrl12]

Like I said I broke down and contacted him yesterday. I told him I wanted to talk and he told me he'd call me when he was free. I then messaged him and said that I didn't want to talk and he couldn't help me. He told me he was sorry that I'm taking this so hard and that he'd talk to me if it would help. I told him that it wouldn't help me. He said that I'd thank him for this eventually. I told him I'd never thank him for giving up on us. I told him that we were just too young when we met and that maybe eventually I'd be able to be in contact with him.

 

 

When he talked to my grandma he told her that he needed to find himself without a girlfriend and that he's pretty sure he's going to join the navy after graduation. Idk how true this is but he's been in a relationship with someone pretty much constantly since he was 13 and he's now going to be 22.

[SycamoreCircle]

You can be writing LS a month from now telling the same story, feeling the same way, or you can go strict NC right now and be in a slightly different, more secure place one month from now.

 

Which would you prefer?

[rngrl12]

I'm going NC. All I'm doing is hurting myself. I have to see him in person every single day starting 8/24

[SycamoreCircle]

I bet whatever reason you have for having to see him every day is avoidable. Unless he's living with you, you don't have to see him ever again.

[carhill]

Yeah, if they're not professionals in high-powered careers where a job move would be detrimental to career track, NC can be effected, including black hole NC. Erase them completely and alter schooling, job, whatever to match up. Sometimes that's what one must do to exit in a healthy way. Once the emotional business is finished and processed, incidental contact should no longer be an issue. The person is back to being one of billions.

 

Another alternative is to work regularly with a psychologist on how to process contacts, feelings and actions, gaining tools to separate out and quench any emotional attachment from the current events causing interaction to occur.

[rngrl12]

I can't avoid seeing him. I am in a very small program with 1 semester left to graduate. The classes I need to graduate are only offered once a year. To avoid seeing him I would have to put off my graduation by a year and I would lose in state tuition and my scholarship which would be a loss of around ~20k along with not graduating on time

[rngrl12]

So after my ex, the dumper, talked to my grandma she said he's depressed as did his best friend.

 

Why would the ex be depressed after CHOOSING to dump me?

[Meli22]

Why did he break up with you?

[rngrl12]

He's told me so many conflicting things idk what to believe. He called me and said "you haven't changed I'm dumping you." and when I tried to get closure he said "I don't love you." He talked to my grandma on the phone and he told her that he needs to be single and find himself and that he wants to join the Navy after wanting to be a doctor for the past 5 years.

 

We dated 16-22. The day before he dumped me he sent me a long message saying he needs to make changes, he's not the man he wants to be and he'll spend forever trying to be the one I deserve. it was very out of the blue.

[rngrl12]

He also told me I'm such a good person and he doesn't deserve me. And he texted me and said he's sorry he hasn't been as good as he should be. Those messages were sent the day before he dumped me.

[Meli22]

Hard to say. Maybe he feels guilty or maybe he is actually suffering with depression.

[rngrl12]

Idk I just feel like the dumper should be feeling relieved and not depressed I mean he was the one who ended the relationship. It's been ~3 weeks.

[dumbass2]

The dumper can certainly feel depressed. Sometimes it is not an easy decision, but the right one. They usually do think about for a bit before doing it, so pretty much they mean it. It can still be a little hard on the dumper. That is not unusual, but it does not mean that they regret their decision, only that they might have struggled with it a little or they just miss having someone around.

 

You've broken up twice already. Clearly it just doesn't work between you two. You should not want a third chance because it will more than likely fail again and you'll be stuck in not moving on and wasting time. You should continue to try and move forward and ask people to not give you any updates on what he says or does and if he tries to contact you, tell him it is best to not be in contact any more.

[rngrl12]

I know I need to move on. He has issues with himself that he needs to fix before he will ever be able to maintain a stable relationship. I have self-esteem issues I need to fix because to put it bluntly I never should have dated him a second time.

 

 

He doesn't miss having me around. We've been long distance since May so that's not what it is. I just think he is deeply confused about his life and who he is and he pulled this breakup on spur of the moment and will regret it

[kidm]

are you ready to move on? doesn't came across that way. You've posted different iterations of the same question. He sounds like he has big problems he needs to seek professional help for and you need to move on and seek help as well as you have some codependency issues. You were the only one in that relationship trying to keep it afloat and kept on trying to please him when he was treating you poorly. The "relationship" was broken a long time ago.

[gaius]

Maybe the reason he dumped you is he's depressed. It can have a way of making you push people away.

 

Not that you should go running after him or anything though if that's the case.

[rngrl12]

Being completely honest this break up with him is the very last thing I ever wanted. I can recognize that I deserve to be treated better, I can recognize that it was a very one sided relationship but I truly deeply loved him. And it hurts. It sucks.

[contel3]

I wouldn't read too much into it....my ex cried after dumping me for someone else. Analysing a dumpers behaviour is a bottomless pit.

[YellowPetal]

I wouldn't read too much into it....my ex cried after dumping me for someone else. Analysing a dumpers behaviour is a bottomless pit.

 

My ex also cried while he was breaking up with me and a couple times after we broke up. He told me he was about to have a panic attack. The sad thing is that he was cheating on me for at least 2 months while we were together, so I think that he was either putting on a show for me or he has serious mental issues. Never try to understand those kind of people. They're obviously very damaged emotionally.

[rngrl12]

I miss him and I love him. I would absolutely love for him to come back into my life but I know that a month away is not enough time for him to work on himself and me to work on myself.

 

I've started antidepressants because I haven't been able to pull myself out. They're not a permanent thing I'm usually very happy but I could use the crutch bc I have to see him everyday starting next week.

 

I'm 2 days NC. Not long I know. I have no plan talking to him in school and will ignore him. I'm also starting therapy. I need to figure out why I stayed when I should have left.

 

 

I've been getting together my plan for med school. Ik not a really normal post breakup reaction but I swore to myself if he ever dumped me I'd do it. I've always wanted to do it I was just scared and settling for a life with him was safe.