Dumper called MY grandma! [Update 9/1 - dumper texted apology]

[SoThatHappened]

My ex also cried while he was breaking up with me and a couple times after we broke up. He told me he was about to have a panic attack. The sad thing is that he was cheating on me for at least 2 months while we were together, so I think that he was either putting on a show for me or he has serious mental issues. Never try to understand those kind of people. They're obviously very damaged emotionally.

This hit me a bit, and I wanted to respond.

 

I too had panic attacks and cried while trying to breakup with a live-in long-term girlfriend.

 

I just wanted to end it. She wouldn't accept it.

 

That will give you panic attacks and break you down. When everything you try doesn't work, you break down.

 

OP, you said he gave you signs multiple times before you broke up. YellowPetal, did your ex do the same?

 

I wouldn't diagnose him/them with mental issues right off the bat. Not that he's normal. He/they are probably naive and lack some vital social skills and/or boundaries.

 

Sometimes people think that asking for a breakup will ensure a breakup. When that doesn't happen, panic and anxiety sink in.

 

We never want to believe or accept that someone would reject us. When they do, there MUST be something wrong with them, right?

 

Sometimes we just have to accept that we were into the relationship more than them. If f'ing sucks, but accepting it can actually help.

 

Also, if you were good to them, they'll remember that forever. Trust me.

[rngrl12]

My ex gave me a lot of signs which I stupidly chose to ignore. He was always torn between deeply loving me/my family and wanting to be a 22 year old guy. We went on a walk once where he told me how much he loved me but that he also wanted to act his age. I can't really blame him, we're young. My last message to him was basically we met too young and to not beat himself up.

 

Sure I like to still fantasize that there will be a day in a few years when we're both more grown up and suited to each other but I think it's just a fantasy. Even his message about needing to change for me could have been a foreshadowing.

[rngrl12]

Any advice for having to see ex every day? we are in the same program of 20 people. I have been NC for a week. I'm going to just try my best to ignore him and move on.

 

 

I've really been trying to live by "if you love someone you let them go" because my ex is very lost with himself so I'm trying to remind myself that love isn't self serving and it is selfless and I need to let him go.

[Tobin]

Well it's too late for this one but next time live by "don't date people you work with".

 

For obvious reasons.

[d0nnivain]

I assume by program you mean school, not work. Do your best to ignore him. Sit in front of him in lectures so you can avoid seeing him. Do everything you can to make your schedule different from his.

[thejabberwocky]

This actually will be fun to see him every day. Why? You can do NC and show him what he's missing at the same time.

 

DO NOT speak to him, sit near him, etc. Do your absolute best to ignore him. If he takes to you, be polite and short and only discuss what is immediately necessary, ie, the program. Don't respond to calls, texts, etc.

 

DO look amazing every single day. Be the person he fell in love with. Chances are you laughed more, you were happier. Be a positive ray of sunshine and show him that he cannot bring you down. Look absolutely fabulous and do super well in your program!

 

After NC, when he comes crawling back to you (which he will), you will feel more dignified and clear-headed. You will be able to assess whether this relationship is worth it from a new, non-emotional perspective.

 

If you haven't read it already, I highly recommend Sherry Argov's Why Men Love Bitches. Don't let the title dissuade you, it is all about self love and not letting someone walk all over you. Plus it's lighthearted and funny! It'll be the perfect thing to turn to when you want to talk to him.

[rngrl12]

Starting tomorrow I have to see him every day. I miss him with my whole heart. I'm going to just ignore him and do my best to move on. I wish that he didn't end things between us. I really do. But I'm not the one who did it.

[SoThatHappened]

My advice since you're female and have the ability to show off some assets:

 

Do exactly that. Look super hot. You'll get attention from everyone. Also do your best to avoid him, while looking smoking hot.

[Meli22]

Exes do strange things and it's probably a good idea to not read into things too much. Mine followed me on Social media the other day (obviously I didnt follow back) I then got a Facebook message a few days later to say it was an accident.

 

It's best to not look into this kind of behaviour too much. It's breadcrumbs and unless they're begging at your knees, it's insignificant. To me anyway.

[rngrl12]

Well I made it through the first day of seeing him. I completely ignored him and he ignored me. I found out he already has a new girlfriend which is pretty classic behavior from him he did the exact same immediate rebound and excuses when he dumped me before. I think that he left me again because of the exact same reasons he did when we were 17. He is just not ready for a serious committed relationship and that's not something you can force.

 

I don't really resent him or have any hard feelings towards him. I wish he wouldn't have broken up with me in such a terrible manner but he's immature and has a lot of growing to do. The first and second time he broke up with me he used the same line of excuses "I don't love you/it's not you it's me" etc.

 

When we got back together the second time he said that he broke up with me because he was scared and wasn't ready for that kind of commitment and I think that this is, once again, the exact same thing. If he needs to be single and date other people I won't stand in his way. I'll go out like a class act.

 

I mean we're so young. I can't blame him for not wanting to settle down at 22. I do truly believe that this is not the last time I'll hear from this guy but I think it will be a few years down the line. I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going to focus on myself and let guys/dating naturally fall into place.

[rngrl12]

So my exes sister got in touch with me to tell me my ex of 2.5 years wants to be friebds however she said that he still thinks he made the right choice by breaking up with me. He's already seeing a new girl. We dated for 2.5 years and are seniors in college. I was a phenomenal girlfriend and everyone who knows both of us including his own family thinks he's an idiot.

 

Any thoughts on why he'd have his sister tell me that? I see him every day in every class and I have done a great job ignoring him and acting like it doesn't matter. I've been NC for two weeks. He hasn't tried to reach out to me.

[quattrob]

It doesn't matter what his reason is, remember that. You already got a double confirmation that he feels he made the right decision to break up and pursue someone else (which he is atm). That's all you need to know and being friends with him only does you harm than good, can you honestly say you won't get hurt when you see him with this other girl he's been dating? Do yourself a favor and try to stop thinking why he's doing what he's doing. Focus on the main point which is he doesn't want to be with you. The only reason why you question his action is because you still haven't let go, there is still some hope that you're holding on to. It'll take time but just remember he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

[StrangerThanFiction]

To me it sounds like he might be trying to feel you out via his sister for the position of backburner girl just in case his new relationship doesn't work out. He couldn't even put in the effort to talk to you himself. If being friends with you was actually important to him he would've talked to you instead of getting his sister to. I think you should stick with what you're doing. Besides, it's only been a month so everything is still really fresh and you'd be leaving yourself open to more hurt.

[aloneinaz]

You can't be "friends" with such a recent ex. Why would you want to be friends with someone who kicked you to the curb and is now screwing a new girl? That's madness.

 

 

Keep healing and stay NC w/him. He's your past. Start going out and you'll meet someone new.

[Gus Grimly]

Keep healing and stay NC w/him. He's your past. Start going out and you'll meet someone new.

Yeah, this is your best medicine. Don't be friends, don't be penpals, facebook chums, weekend acquaintances .... none of that. Be strangers. Forget him. Find a new guy, one that will see your qualities and appreciate them.

[rngrl12]

Oh don't worry guys I absolutely do NOT want to be friends with him especially because he dumped me so coldly (over text message after he cheated telling me it was my fault). I think he's beginning to feel regret and miss me but who knows

 

I'm going to continue ignoring him in all my classes and focusing on myself.

[rngrl12]

For whatever reason I really miss him today but I haven't broken NC and I haven't come close to breaking it. If he was ever to come in my life it would have to be because he comes back in my life without any pressure from me. I think the huge problem behind the break up is we're 21/22 and have been together off/on (mostly on) since 16/17. He hasn't dated other women. He told me multiple times he loved me and I was total wife material but he wanted to be young and single and travel.

 

 

I think as long as I let him go and let him figure his own thing out I'll hear from him again. I'm not going to put my life on hold and wait for him. I'm going to focus on myself and my goals for school.

 

If he comes back in my life great. If not great. I have a strong feeling I'll hear from him but it won't be for multiple years so no sense in waiting.

[thejabberwocky]

Don't kid yourself. You are NOT friends. You will not be friends. Friends don't treat each other this way. He probably just wants reassurance that you're waiting around for him. Don't give in.

[mightycpa]

So what did you say to her?

[joseb]

Why would you want a cheater like back in your life?

 

People get hung up on their first serious relationship. Don't think he is the best you cam do.

 

Stay away from him and move on, and if his sister contacts you like that again tell her to stop reopening old wounds.

[casey.lives]

Never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! evil traitors!

[rngrl12]

I told his sister there's no way I'd be friends with him and the only way I wanted to hear from him was if he came back in my life begging.

 

Everyone who knows both of us, including his own family, thinks he's a total idiot and there's no way he'll do better.

[rngrl12]

Every person who knows me and my ex swears up and down he'll be back because he's young and has no idea what he has. Obviously clinging to hope is no good for me. How do I squash it when everyone insists he'll be back?

[mightycpa]

Every person who knows me and my ex swears up and down he'll be back because he's young and has no idea what he has. Obviously clinging to hope is no good for me. How do I squash it when everyone insists he'll be back?

Tell them that you can only hope they're wrong. That kind of talk will die down quickly.

[quattrob]

Best way to do it is not focus on ifs and maybes.. Focus on what is clear, he chose to not be with you. Will he come back? Maybe yes maybe no, but its out of your control.. If you want to keep living your life forever like a slave then you can keep hoping. Free yourself and choose to not wait for ifs and maybes, choose someone that KNOWS he's definite NOW not later and not maybe later.