LDR - military deployment

[Scaatys2014]

Phew, where to begin?

 

 

We met years ago, and things really heated up a few months before he left for a year long deployment. He told me he loved me, that I would always have his heart. I told him I loved him too. Having him leave was the hardest thing I have ever endured but I stayed strong, kept my feelings out of our regular daily conversations and kept the conversations light and full of smiles. I made sure I said, I'm so proud of you, please be safe, I love you etc. He said the same things, and even talked about me moving in with him when he returns, talked about a vacation we would take when he returns.....

 

 

A month ago, he told me they were shutting down all outside communications for security purposes. This happens frequently and I completely understood. Flash-forward to a couple of days ago. He reached out again and things seemed "cool". After a few messages back and forth, he finally seemed like his old self, being flirty, saying he misses me etc. although he ended his last message with "I like you"!!!!

 

 

Did I miss something here?? From I love you, you have my heart always to, "I like you"???

 

 

I have been very patient and very understanding as his position is full of pressure and it cannot be easy being so far away, but, it was like a slap in the face. Is this normal military mentality or did something change during our month being out of contact? I love him dearly but a year is a long time to wait for someone who seems to turn his emotions on and off like a light switch.

[RoseVille]

We usually don't know in advance when there's going to be a blackout, and if we ever did it would be a violation of OPSEC to share that, so I'm not sure he was sincere in telling you in advance that he'd be out of comms for a while "for security reasons."

 

Where is he deployed?

[Scaatys2014]

Would he know ahead of time if he were one of the "higher ups"? He has no reason to lie.....I don't think. He has been very transparent thus far.

 

 

Not sure if I should divulge too much info on whereabouts. Its quite far from home and I do get regular pictures of him in these locations.

 

 

I've heard from other military wives/girlfriends that they often go "cold" in order to focus on their job. It just surprised me how much things changed since we last talked.

 

 

I take it you're military?

[RoseVille]

Would he know ahead of time if he were one of the "higher ups"? He has no reason to lie.....I don't think. He has been very transparent thus far.

 

 

Not sure if I should divulge too much info on whereabouts. Its quite far from home and I do get regular pictures of him in these locations.

 

 

I've heard from other military wives/girlfriends that they often go "cold" in order to focus on their job. It just surprised me how much things changed since we last talked.

 

 

I take it you're military?

 

I'm a former active Army officer, currently in the reserves, an Army brat, with 2 active duty military brothers, and had a fiancé in the service as well. Between all of us and another ex-BF, we have 12 deployments under our belt. I've BTDT.

 

If he's a CO, he'd know when he's going outside the wire, yes. But the higher the rank, the less likely he is to violate OPSEC, IMO. What rank is he?

 

Has he deployed before? If so, did he discuss with you what comms would be like during his deployment?

 

Guys in the military lie all the time. ALL THE TIME. They often also get girlfriends just to get them through a deployment. They need someone back home who's dedicated to them; other friends tend to forget about you.

 

I'm curious what country he's deployed to for a year in this current military climate. Is he in Europe or the Middle East?

 

Is this the same guy you were just FWB with only a few months ago?

 

How old are you both?

[RoseVille]

Also, while deployed, our ability for "mush" ebbs and flows, but our feelings don't change on a dime like that, if they're sincere. We might be talkative one day, quiet and distant the next. But you don't go from "love" to "like" if the love was sincere in the first place.

 

If this is the guy you were FWB with, you'll be dumped before he downloads to come home.

[Scaatys2014]

I'm a former active Army officer, currently in the reserves, an Army brat, with 2 active duty military brothers, and had a fiancé in the service as well. Between all of us and another ex-BF, we have 12 deployments under our belt. I've BTDT.

 

If he's a CO, he'd know when he's going outside the wire, yes. But the higher the rank, the less likely he is to violate OPSEC, IMO. What rank is he?

 

Has he deployed before? If so, did he discuss with you what comms would be like during his deployment?

 

Guys in the military lie all the time. ALL THE TIME. They often also get girlfriends just to get them through a deployment. They need someone back home who's dedicated to them; other friends tend to forget about you.

 

I'm curious what country he's deployed to for a year in this current military climate. Is he in Europe or the Middle East?

 

Is this the same guy you were just FWB with only a few months ago?

 

How old are you both?

 

 

 

Ouch!!! But thank you! I've heard all the stories and I try to tell myself he's different etc as he has kept in regular contact (aside from recently) and keeps me apprised of everything going on with pictures. I was taking it all at face value. I do know someone on the same deployment and he shares the same stories. He did mention that he may not be able to communicate sometimes while on deployment.

 

 

I'm nervous to divulge too much here but suffice it to say, he is in command of his detachment and at one of the locations you mentioned.

 

 

He is not the FWB I mentioned earlier. I actually gave up on the military guy and started dating the fwb. That was almost a year ago. Military guy and I had always remained friends and in contact, just not to the degree we have progressed to recently.

 

 

Just sitting here thinking I should move on. A year is a LONG time to wait for a long shot..

[RoseVille]

Well then, your R with this guy started very recently and prior to the deployment, right? Or did it start once he was already there? If the latter, it's definitely not real. He's just lonely and bored. And if the former, like I said, looking for something to hold on to while he's there. It's easy to get swept away in the romance of it all.

 

My ex-BF (not the fiancé) was the commander of his detachment too. I don't know why I'm suspicious of your guy; probably because he and the circumstances of your relationship sounds just like mine (if his initials are MD, run!). It didn't end well, and I don't think you should expect this one too, either.

[Popsicle]

Roseville is so helpful!

 

I'm sure it can't be easy being on deployment. I would give him the benefit of the doubt X 1000 while he's away. Just be patient and understand all the way through the deployment.

 

This is just about the only LDR I could tolerate.

Edited August 14, 2015 by Popsicle

[Scaatys2014]

Well then, your R with this guy started very recently and prior to the deployment, right? Or did it start once he was already there? If the latter, it's definitely not real. He's just lonely and bored. And if the former, like I said, looking for something to hold on to while he's there. It's easy to get swept away in the romance of it all.

 

My ex-BF (not the fiancé) was the commander of his detachment too. I don't know why I'm suspicious of your guy; probably because he and the circumstances of your relationship sounds just like mine (if his initials are MD, run!). It didn't end well, and I don't think you should expect this one too, either.

 

Thank you for the insight. This all started 4 yrs ago. It has had its peaks and valleys which is why I gave up and started dating others. He has always kept in touch and been on many deployments before. This one was just different. He has really made the effort until recently. Everything was great until the communication break.

 

 

Lol no those aren't his initials

[Lois_Griffin]

I believe what Roseville said about the cheating. It seems to be rampant in the military. A lot of them love to have someone pining away for them back at home while they go their merry way with someone else while deployed.

 

You'd be wise to believe what RoseVille said.

 

Personally, I wouldn't waste a year of my life on someone like this.

[Els]

My first thought was... you sure it isn't autocorrect?

 

That aside, this all sounds a bit fishy. You've known each other for years, but things heat up only just before deployment? Why? Were you both in other Rs until recently or something?

[Scaatys2014]

Thanks for your thoughts. I would like to think it's different, but it sounds as if I'm a time waster. I'm gaining more clarity.

 

As for "this all sounds fishy"? Exactly how does this sound fishy?!?! There's nothing clandestine. We have known each other for a few years, been off and on due to both our jobs and life. We are both single.

[RoseVille]

It was my experience with my first military BF that taught me to trust my gut. I'd worried that I was being used to fill a hole while he was there; I had no reason to think that at all based on his behavior, it was just my fear. Then about two months before he came back, he got weird.

 

If your gut is telling you he's just in a bad place with the deployment, keep on keeping on. Send your care packages. Answer the phone when he calls. Be there for him. Just don't invest anymore emotional energy and commitment than you already have, because it's a BIG adjustment when he gets home and you think now is strange, just wait until he gets back.

 

But if your gut tells you he's just playing you... Believe that instinct.

 

When's his R&R?

Edited August 14, 2015 by RoseVille

[RoseVille]

I want to add something. I knew my ex for a few years before getting involved, shortly before his deployment, too. I don't think you should assume some sort of concious nefarious intent in getting involved with you to use you of waste your time. It's easy to get caught up in something with someone when you know you're going away, will be lonely, scared, etc., and there's this person there telling you they'll be there, they'll wait, they love you, eye. You want it to work, but once you're over there and you settle into things and realize it's not that bad to be single if you were, and then you realize what you've done, what you've gotten yourself into, that the other person has some pretty big expectations of the relationship and where it's going, and you have an OF moment.

 

I don't think mine ever had any intent to use or hurt me. I didn't realize that until I deployed and went through the range of emotions described above.

[Scaatys2014]

It was my experience with my first military BF that taught me to trust my gut. I'd worried that I was being used to fill a hole while he was there; I had no reason to think that at all based on his behavior, it was just my fear. Then about two months before he came back, he got weird.

 

If your gut is telling you he's just in a bad place with the deployment, keep on keeping on. Send your care packages. Answer the phone when he calls. Be there for him. Just don't invest anymore emotional energy and commitment than you already have, because it's a BIG adjustment when he gets home and you think now is strange, just wait until he gets back.

 

But if your gut tells you he's just playing you... Believe that instinct.

 

When's his R&R?

 

Thank you Roseville. "Strange when they get back"? How so?

 

 

I really don't want to give up on him, he's an amazing man. I think you've nailed it though. He seems to be settling in nicely now, and his days off don't appear to be too much to take. (He's in some pretty exotic locations). I was hearing from him several times a day to now only once a day or every other day.

 

 

His R&R is around Christmas. (maybe) He has family to visit with as well so I just told him no pressure, family comes first and left it at that. I'm pulling back. Not sure if that's a good thing to do or not. I love and care about him but I'm not about to give my all if he's not.

[Popsicle]

Also, while deployed, our ability for "mush" ebbs and flows

 

I'm curious, why is this, Roseville?

[Els]

Thanks for your thoughts. I would like to think it's different, but it sounds as if I'm a time waster. I'm gaining more clarity.

 

As for "this all sounds fishy"? Exactly how does this sound fishy?!?! There's nothing clandestine. We have known each other for a few years, been off and on due to both our jobs and life. We are both single.

 

I don't necessarily mean that he's playing you on purpose, just that it's rather odd for two people to know each other for years and only get together seriously JUST before one of them gets deployed. I could understand if there were circumstances preventing each other from seeing the other person in a romantic light beforehand (being in another R, work situation, etc), but that doesn't sound like the case for you. To me, it sounds like he just wanted some comfort and a 'bond with home' when he left, and eventually he realized he did not need it.

 

Of course I could be wrong, as I don't know anything about him or you aside from what is written here, but that's how it sounds like to me.

[Scaatys2014]

I don't necessarily mean that he's playing you on purpose, just that it's rather odd for two people to know each other for years and only get together seriously JUST before one of them gets deployed. I could understand if there were circumstances preventing each other from seeing the other person in a romantic light beforehand (being in another R, work situation, etc), but that doesn't sound like the case for you. To me, it sounds like he just wanted some comfort and a 'bond with home' when he left, and eventually he realized he did not need it.

 

Of course I could be wrong, as I don't know anything about him or you aside from what is written here, but that's how it sounds like to me.

 

 

 

Fair enough evaluation. We have been on/off for four years due to his deployments, my job as well is very demanding and we both have children with hectic schedules. Making it "work" has been a chore with our schedules although, we both admitted that there was something more to explore once he returned as we have always gravitated to each other after all this time. Our last time together before he left gave me hope that we would be together once he returned.

 

 

I have heard from him again since my original post but things do seem ALOT less intense. at this point I am leaning back and giving him space to work and enjoy what little free time he gets.

 

 

Its the old adage. "If you love something, set it free"......

[zebracolors]

I kind of know that music. My BF and I met in-person, and became exclusive but only just before he shipped off to Basic August last year. And he's currently in Washington state, me in Maryland. There are times when we don't communicate for a week, sometimes two, and I realize its because he is working and living his life in the army there. I'm doing the same here (but not in military).

 

And during those times I sometimes have a little niggling fear that a disconnect will begin to evolve or about what Roseville talked about. Does he have opportunities to play around? I'm totally sure he does. But I would worry myself sick if I dwelled on that everyday.

 

And when we talk it seems normal* he makes me feel appreciated, we tell each other 'I miss you', etc. And so of course, he can't just decide to travel to Maryland on a whim to visit me, so plans to meet up are done months in advance. We realize this is just something we have to ride out until he gets out of the Army.

[RoseVille]

I kind of know that music. My BF and I met in-person, and became exclusive but only just before he shipped off to Basic August last year. And he's currently in Washington state, me in Maryland. There are times when we don't communicate for a week, sometimes two, and I realize its because he is working and living his life in the army there. I'm doing the same here (but not in military).

 

And during those times I sometimes have a little niggling fear that a disconnect will begin to evolve or about what Roseville talked about. Does he have opportunities to play around? I'm totally sure he does. But I would worry myself sick if I dwelled on that everyday.

 

And when we talk it seems normal* he makes me feel appreciated, we tell each other 'I miss you', etc. And so of course, he can't just decide to travel to Maryland on a whim to visit me, so plans to meet up are done months in advance. We realize this is just something we have to ride out until he gets out of the Army.

 

Unless he's in BCT or OCS or DTY in a remote location or something like that, there's no Army excuse for going a week or two not speaking to your SO. That would so NOT fly with me at all.

[RoseVille]

I'm curious, why is this, Roseville?

 

In a word: stress. It comes and goes while deployed.

 

There's an event, it causes stress, you go through an emotional numbing to deal with it. Once you're farther removed from the event, spatially and/or in time, you can come back closer to your true self. But the underlying feelings you have for people back home doesn't change, just your ability to express it and communicate it. You wouldn't change your word choice from love to like, from girlfriend to friend. You'd just perhaps not be so cutesy and mushy one day, more matter-of-fact, almost business like - checking in, I'm alive, everything okay back home?, I'll talk to you soon, instead of hiiiiiii baby, I miss you!! tell me all about your day! I looovvveeee you!

[Popsicle]

In a word: stress. It comes and goes while deployed.

 

There's an event, it causes stress, you go through an emotional numbing to deal with it. Once you're farther removed from the event, spatially and/or in time, you can come back closer to your true self. But the underlying feelings you have for people back home doesn't change, just your ability to express it and communicate it. You wouldn't change your word choice from love to like, from girlfriend to friend. You'd just perhaps not be so cutesy and mushy one day, more matter-of-fact, almost business like - checking in, I'm alive, everything okay back home?, I'll talk to you soon, instead of hiiiiiii baby, I miss you!! tell me all about your day! I looovvveeee you!

 

 

Thank you for explaining, Rose. It makes sense. What if their SO were to tell them that they are in need of some lovin during a time of stress, how would they react?

[RoseVille]

Thank you for explaining, Rose. It makes sense. What if their SO were to tell them that they are in need of some lovin during a time of stress, how would they react?

 

I can't speak for everyone, but I didn't handle it well, and I knew not to expect the same of my SO when he was deployed. Frankly, while deployed, the deployed person's focus is on staying alive and doing their job to the very best of their ability. All of their energy goes there. They cannot have expectations placed on them of also having to meet another person's emotional needs back home.

 

The military comes first. And when deployed, your life and that of your battle buddies comes first. You cannot be distracted. You have to be a strong, independent person to be in a relationship with a service member, particularly one who's deployed. It's not for everyone.

 

I would not be surprised if a person back home were met with silence after making such a "I need special lovin' attention while you're at war!" request, no matter how it's phrased. They know to call/email home, to check in... but you cannot expect more than that. If it comes, GREAT. But if it doesn't, you can't get upset, you shouldn't ask them why, you shouldn't put anymore expectations on them.

 

And this goes for new relationships and marriages of 20+ years. I've seen them all.

[Popsicle]

I can't speak for everyone, but I didn't handle it well, and I knew not to expect the same of my SO when he was deployed. Frankly, while deployed, the deployed person's focus is on staying alive and doing their job to the very best of their ability. All of their energy goes there. They cannot have expectations placed on them of also having to meet another person's emotional needs back home.

 

The military comes first. And when deployed, your life and that of your battle buddies comes first. You cannot be distracted. You have to be a strong, independent person to be in a relationship with a service member, particularly one who's deployed. It's not for everyone.

 

I would not be surprised if a person back home were met with silence after making such a "I need special lovin' attention while you're at war!" request, no matter how it's phrased. They know to call/email home, to check in... but you cannot expect more than that. If it comes, GREAT. But if it doesn't, you can't get upset, you shouldn't ask them why, you shouldn't put anymore expectations on them.

 

And this goes for new relationships and marriages of 20+ years. I've seen them all.

 

Fascinating. Thank you.

[SolG]

I would imagine that comms has a lot to do with where he is and what he's doing. The former in terms of infrastructure and access, and the latter in terms of propensity and desire. As Roseville says, it would be good to be able to reflect on these factors as well as the purely R ones.

 

One of my good friends is married to a military aviator. During his last deloyment he video Skyped home at least three or four times every week; for the whole eight odd months. There wasn't a routine to it. Times all over the place. And duration as well. Some were hours, some a two minute I love you. But he unfailingly kept in contact.

 

As a pilot he had the advantage of combat missions being a relatively quick and remote experience. As well as after missions going back to a pretty safe base with good facilities. I would imagine that it's somewhat different for an infantryman or similar due to the fact that that type of combat is more proximal (in all types of ways).

 

My friend also got given lots of info before her H left from his unit, and access to a range of support services. And the spouses all kept in touch with each other throughout. Did your BF set you up with any of theses types of networks?

 

My hat's off to all military H/WAG/BFs. Strong bunch.