LDS Break-Up; Odds of Reconciliation?

[Liono84]

Hello,

 

 

I recently broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago. I live in San Diego and she was currently living in Philadelphia for graduate school. I wanted to know what the odds are of her contacting me back in order to reconcile.

 

Let me start off my saying that she, too, is also from San Diego and has lived in San Diego her entire life. She only recently moved to Phili for the past 2 years for graduate school. I'm 31 and she's 28.

 

We had been dating for 9 months. Oddly enough, I met her in Philadelphia visiting a mutual friends party.. She would visit every 2 months for a week and I would fly out to visit her every 3-3.5 months for about a week as well. We talked on the phone every few days for long lengths and would text regularly every day. We have many mutual friends. I also met her family and they all seemed to like me.

 

 

She broke up with me face to face 2 weeks ago when she came to visit. I knew the past 3 weeks things we're sort of cooling off, since I noticed I was doing most of the texting and our calls were shorter, but overall, I was completely blind-sided.

 

She basically told me that she couldn't handle to the long distance aspect of it any longer and because she was embarking on the most difficult part of her studies for the next year to year and a half, she wouldn't be able to commit like she had before and couldn't put me as a priority. I asked her repeatedly, in a very non-confrontational way if there was another guy or if her feelings had changed and she repeatedly said that was not the case and that she still has feelings for me and that we're very compatible. But she said with the passing of time, the distance aspect became too much of a factor for her and she wanted someone to be there physically and emotionally. I don't even know if I truly believe that, but for now let's assume that is.

 

We we're very close to each other both intimately and chemistry-wise too. There weren't any signs of us not working out for it not for the distance aspect. I tried everything I could to salvage the breakup by letting her know I would fly to visit her more often and that this was only temporary since she would come back once she finished school after a year or year and a half, but as hard as I tried, she had made up her mind.

 

Overall, I'm beyond crushed. I've had break-ups before but this is on a different pain level because we both were on the same playing field with thinking long-term. This was "THE GIRL" for me. She too, was at a age where she wanted to settle down. She said she still wants me to be in her life and used the dreaded 'FRIEND' word. I told her that wouldn't be the case. I had no choice but to delete her number, facebook and instagram because the pain was too much for me and I didn't want to be tempted making contact with her since I was the one getting dumped.

 

My question is realistically, what are the odds she changes her mind and contacts me back in hope to get back? And IF that does happen, how long does is usually take for that to occur. Part of me feels like she will contact me back because she is going to realize what she lost only when it's gone and part of me thinks because of the distance factor even if she wants to get back with me, that in it of itself, makes it highly unlikely.

Edited August 13, 2015 by Liono84
grammar

[justwhoiam]

She basically told me that she couldn't handle to the long distance aspect of it any longer and because she was embarking on the most difficult part of her studies for the next year to year and a half, she wouldn't be able to commit like she had before and couldn't put me as a priority. I asked her repeatedly, in a very non-confrontational way if there was another guy or if her feelings had changed and she repeatedly said that was not the case and that she still has feelings for me and that we're very compatible. But she said with the passing of time, the distance aspect became too much of a factor for her and she wanted someone to be there physically and emotionally. I don't even know if I truly believe that, but for now let's assume that is.

I think you were right to doubt her words, because as soon as I read this, I did too.

She put her foot in her mouth somehow, though it was not that obvious (in fact, I think you sensed something was off, even though you couldn't really tell what).

But - as you can guess - you either want to focus on your studies or you want someone to be physically there with you. It can't be one AND the other. Get it? It's very simple. She had to give you a reason why, she gave you several and which were in contradiction with one another.

So that's your clue. Her goal was not telling you the truth, rather giving you reasons that made sense and seemed acceptable.

 

But you got a subtle hint there. She said she wants someone local. So I may well think that she already laid eyes on someone, and if not, she will soon. As you said, the distance was just short-term (let's say 18 months at worst), and not a good reason - on its own - to justify a breakup when you really love someone and want to spend your life with them.

 

There's also a chance that she sees herself somewhere else other than in San Diego when she's done with her degree. Maybe career opportunities are emerging for her in some other State/city, and you probably have a good job in California already. So better cutting ties now then later.

 

She said she still wants me to be in her life and used the dreaded 'FRIEND' word. I told her that wouldn't be the case. I had no choice but to delete her number, facebook and instagram because the pain was too much for me and I didn't want to be tempted making contact with her since I was the one getting dumped.

You did the right thing declining her offer to be just friends... though you were a bit drastic when you deleted everything. I understand that was your way to deal with the breakup, and I respect your point of view. But now, see it this way: she dumped you, but you cut her off.

 

realistically, what are the odds she changes her mind and contacts me back in hope to get back?

Probably slim. She knows you cut her off. And she now thinks you want nothing to do with her. In her eyes, you're healing from the breakup and she might feel she has no right to jeopardize that. She might also think you have harsh feelings for her now. Then coldness will follow. Even if she realized she misses you and/or she wanted you back, she'd have to fight all that. Plus, if she has too much pride, it's quite unlikely she'd make a move, after breaking up.

The odds might raise a bit if you happened to cross her path again by chance..., if you looked fascinating after the breakup and she started having second thoughts about her decision. Possibly, even raising further if you looked self-confident without her and maybe surrounded by very good-looking girls/women. But what are the odds of all that happening and seemingly by chance?

 

And IF that does happen, how long does is usually take for that to occur.

A few months?

 

Part of me feels like she will contact me back because she is going to realize what she lost only when it's gone and part of me thinks because of the distance factor even if she wants to get back with me, that in it of itself, makes it highly unlikely.

Hard to tell. If the breakup has to do with being free to date someone else, and then that goes wrong/ends badly, I think it's likely you'll hear from her or about her again (maybe through common friends). If it has to do with living somewhere else far away from you, then maybe you are just taking different directions.

[Liono84]

One thing I forgot to mention, was that at the very end of our breakup talk, when I tried everything I could to salvage the end only to finally realize she had made up her mind; I told her if she ever had second thoughts one day, for her to contact me. She said she would if that happened.

 

As painful as the breakup was, I didn't show any anger towards her face to face. In fact, we kissed at the very end. It's only after when it finally sunk in a day later, and now 3 weeks in, that my emotions went from, complete shock, to denial to mourning and now anger has crept in somewhere too...

 

I've accepted that i'ts over. And there is no possible way I make any contact with her unless she contacts me, but it's still veryyy painful.

 

Part of me hates myself for giving this a chance, because I would've rather been single than to have to go through with what I lost. In some sick twisted way, I would be very happy if I find out she has a boyfriend, so that it could be complete closure for me, At same time, I desperately wish she comes back to me too.