Boyfriend friends with ex. How to handle?

[gabaee]

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship and it has been a year of a successful long distance dating and getting closer. He has been very open and honest about the fact that he is friends with his ex girlfriend with whom they mutually broke up 4 years ago since their relationship had turned into a friendship and the fire was gone. he respects her and they have many common friends so in cases they are in the same events or gatherings. He told me last month that a couple of time, he and her went to the movies together and one night, when he was helping her out with something, they had dinner in her house. I know for sure there is nothing going on and I trust him, but this still bugs me. And they do write via Whatsapp. If not everyday, i think regularly.

 

I would have had an easier time if they were on good terms and saw each other maybe once a year or so, But the fact thta it is more often than that, somehow is upsetting me. There are times when i forget it and times when this comes back to bug me inside. I have been very open to him about this and he say he undertands my feelings. But he has repeatedly said that there is nothign going on and that our relationship is not being threatened at all by his friendship with her.

 

I have already brought this up a few times and the last time, he said it was getting uncomfortable and being blown out of proportion. He also said that he is willing to clarify anything else i have in my mind. But for some reasons, when he brought that up, i was unable to pursue the subject further. I am not sure then if it is a smart idea for me to tell him to clarify why there is this regular contact between them, or to just trust his word and drop this subject. I dont wantt to sabotage our relationship in any way.

 

Is it best to just drop it or healthier to clarify why there is a need to for them to be hanging out?

[LoveAnimals]

I have been in your shoes with my now ex of 5 years. His high school g/f and him where together for 4 years and then mutually split. When we started dating they were very good friends. I attempted to be mature about it when we all hung out together the first time but I was really surprised at the extent of their friendliness. Not that they were doing anything but it still greatly bothered me. A few more things bothered me about their friendship and although none of that has to do with why we are now exes, it created a lot of conflict in our relationship for a time.

 

Now a few questions, have you met her and hung out together before? If so how was the interaction between them both? IF you can really tell its platonic, I think its best you stop bringing it up. Unless he gives you a reason to worry, the more you mention it the more he will start to see you as insecure and possibly even controlling. You cannot force him to decrease contact because it will stir up resentment in him.

 

IF i were in your shoes I would do my best to be confident in her presence so that is he is impressed with your security and he will gain even more respect for you. But if you think there are unresolved feelings between the two, its best you cut your losses and leave this guy to figure out his issues because being caught in the middle of it is just not worth the trouble.

[hellischrome]

Be careful, this can be cause of distress and even break you up.

My experience: my current partner is in contact with his ex of 10 years. Unfortunately he cheated on her with me and then left her for me: he didn't have time to mentally recover from the breakup, even if he initiated it. She was hang up on him for 2 years before finding someone else. In those two years, it's been hell. I constantly brought up the subject, we got to the point where we would fight every single day over it. Then, he couldn't take it anymore and we broke up. We only got back together a year ago, but sometimes we still fight over it. And the problem is on both sides: I bring the subject up in the wrong way, and knowing that the subject creates problems he started being shady about it, not mentioning when they had contact and so on. So we came to the mutual agreement that he will tell me when they talk (not everytime, I just need to know that he can be open about it) and when they meet (they catch up once a year when he goes back home for holidays). And I will try to trust his word that he doesn't want to be with her and she's not an issue. I do think that for some time he was still thinking about her, probably sometimes still thinks if leaving her was the right choice (they were going to get married). But I decided that the efforts he put in "us" it's stronger. After all, sometimes I still miss my most recent ex of 6 years, even if I would never go back with him.

 

And now, the brighter side: my best friend is my first boyfriend. We broke up 10 years ago and then didn't speak to each to other for about 1 year. We share the same close circle of friends so we started talking again. Now we are literally brother & sister. I am friends with his girlfriend, he's friends with my partner. The two couples meet up every week for dinner. We know each other deeply and we've never been so close. I deeply love my partner and he loves his partner, we would never get back together. And I would die if my partner told me that my friendship with my best friend is a problem or an issue. I would probably give up my partner. But mind you, it takes time to create such an ideal situation. It took us years to get to this point where both our partners are fine with it, so don't expect it to happen right here right now. You all have to work on it.

 

I say, just trust him. If he's lying to you, the worst that can happen is that they are mean to be together and there's not much you can do about it anyway.

[greaterdevil]

that is a really hard one.

 

 

i feel like what should matter to your bf is that it obviously makes you uncomfortable. regardless of why that is it seems like he isn't interested in how you feel.

 

i have an ex who i communicate with once every month or two via text. i am a recovering addict and her current partner is going through a similar problem and sometimes she needs to know how to help him. so many people helped me that it feels good to be able to help another addict.

 

that being said I am 110% transparent with my gf (now fiancé) and if it bothered her in the slightest, like if I detected any discomfort or jealousy or insecurity i would cut it off immediately and completely and permanently. no questions asked, and happy to do it to strengthen my relationship with her.

 

when we first started dating, she was still close with her recent ex of five years, they had broken up maybe six months prior. at first it did bother me, because they had been together so long and had so many shared experiences. but when i explained to her the second or so time that it made me uncomfortable, she unceremoniously stopped talking to him. this did so much to make me feel like her number one priority, that since i have managed to change my reaction and no longer have a problem or insecurities over them talking, if she chooses to try and reignite their friendship.

 

i know that isn't helpful to your situation and likely desired outcome, and before meeting my current partner I would suggest that this is just a compromise you have to make in a relationship, but now I'm not so sure. everyone deserves to have someone who makes them their number #1 priority.

 

maybe try explaining to him that if your roles were reversed, you would always put his comfort in the relationship first, over a friendship with someone you used to be intimate with, and that it concerns you that he is apparent unwilling to do the same.

 

good luck.

[Space Ritual]

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship and it has been a year of a successful long distance dating and getting closer. He has been very open and honest about the fact that he is friends with his ex girlfriend with whom they mutually broke up 4 years ago since their relationship had turned into a friendship and the fire was gone. he respects her and they have many common friends so in cases they are in the same events or gatherings. He told me last month that a couple of time, he and her went to the movies together and one night, when he was helping her out with something, they had dinner in her house. I know for sure there is nothing going on and I trust him, but this still bugs me. And they do write via Whatsapp. If not everyday, i think regularly.

 

I would have had an easier time if they were on good terms and saw each other maybe once a year or so, But the fact thta it is more often than that, somehow is upsetting me. There are times when i forget it and times when this comes back to bug me inside. I have been very open to him about this and he say he undertands my feelings. But he has repeatedly said that there is nothign going on and that our relationship is not being threatened at all by his friendship with her.

 

I have already brought this up a few times and the last time, he said it was getting uncomfortable and being blown out of proportion. He also said that he is willing to clarify anything else i have in my mind. But for some reasons, when he brought that up, i was unable to pursue the subject further. I am not sure then if it is a smart idea for me to tell him to clarify why there is this regular contact between them, or to just trust his word and drop this subject. I dont wantt to sabotage our relationship in any way.

 

Is it best to just drop it or healthier to clarify why there is a need to for them to be hanging out?

 

Date someone who isn't being pulled back in by an ex. All that "we're friends" stuff is all fine and well if you are not in an LDR

 

 

If I had a dime for every time I heard "I'm friends with my ex" in a relationship, and it turned out for the better, I'd be broke.

[Els]

I don't think your feelings are 'blown out of proportion' at all. I can understand them both being at the same large gathering or event - he shouldn't need to ditch all their mutual friends after breaking up with her. But him going to her house alone, and the two of them going to movies by themselves? Frankly I think that's ridiculous behaviour from a man who is supposedly in a happy R with you, unless you explicitly stated you were perfectly fine with it (which you obviously didn't). EVEN if there's nothing going on between the two of them, at the very least it demonstrates a complete disregard towards your feelings and is incredibly inconsiderate.

 

Personally I think you should make your boundaries clear and say that the frequent 1-on-1 meetings have got to go because they are making you uncomfortable (as they would 90% of the population regardless of gender). Do not drop the subject, as the resentment will only fester inside you anyway.

[Lois_Griffin]

I know for sure there is nothing going on and I trust him, but this still bugs me. And they do write via Whatsapp. If not everyday, i think regularly.

Sorry. Unless you were THERE with them or had webcams all over the place and could watch them every single minute, you DON'T know 'for sure' what happened.

 

Period.

 

Have you two ever met before or is this one of the online things?

[salparadise]

There are several problems with these situations. The first and most obvious is that there is definitely some risk that they might rekindle the flame and get back together. Reassurances don't count for much because it's just words, and human nature... well, we all know how that works.

 

Secondly, he's in relationship with two women even though he's only having sex with one. There is no possible way that an ongoing triangular arrangement such as this can allow you to have the same kind of one on one relationship with your partner regardless of how much you trust or how much he swears that it's inconsequential. It's an emotional entanglement that affects you and your relationship. It is a triangle–– what's inconsequential, in terms of relational dynamics, is the fact that they're not currently sexual... presumably.

 

Third is the fact that it makes you crazy, worried and insecure. You're not wrong to feel how you feel. There is a huge difference between exchanging "how ya doing" texts with an ex every few months vs. continuing to maintain a close personal relationship, spending alone time, going on dates, sharing feelings, providing emotional support, etc., etc. This is what is going on, and of course he likes it and wants to convince you to accept it. He cares more about maintaining this secondary relationship than he does about your feelings.

 

What he doesn't understand, apparently, is that his relationship with the ex limits the depth and quality of his primary relationship. This is short sighted and immature on his part, in my opinion. His reasoning is that two is better than one and it enhances his life, even though it diminishes yours. And that's fine with him if he can get by with it.

 

But since he is so adamant (stubborn, pig headed) about maintaining the triangle arrangement, your choices are to either accept it or not. If you do accept it then you'll have to live with it indefinitely knowing that you only have part of his attention/devotion emotionally, and you're going to share. The other option, declaring the triangle to be unacceptable has three possible outcomes; a) he wises up and agrees to a deeper 1:1 relationship with you, b) he chooses her over you, in which case the reality is that you didn't lose anything worth having, or c) he refuses to make a clear choice and just bumps her back a little bit to pacify you, or gets resentful or otherwise holds it against you that he didn't get what he wanted. In which case you lose the relationship anyway, but with the realization that the relationship you wanted with him just wasn't possible.

 

Personally, I won't date women who remain in relationship with ex's. I state it explicitly in my online profile... "anyone who likes to keep ex's or orbiters on speed dial... not interested, so please don't waste my time." I just don't want a limited relationship characterized by this kind of stress and shallowness. I'd hate to be in the position of developing deep feelings and eventually having to extricate myself after realizing that we could never be emotionally exclusive.

Edited August 14, 2015 by salparadise

[Lois_Griffin]

Ugh. I see you two don't even live in the same country. You also have past posts about his roving eye and talking about other women.

 

Why are you wasting your youth on this nonsense?

[lolablue17]

You say that if this friendship with her would be in low frequency, you can take it. So, there's a base for a compromise.

 

If he had few guys friends that he use to hang out with 2-3 times a week, it was reasonable of him to reduce hanging out with them because you're together now.

 

So, the test is - Is he willing to compromise by reducing significantly his contact with her. If he agrees , you will feel better also because you'll see that he makes sacrifices for you.

 

But if he insist not to change anything on his daily routine that he use to have before you, it's a big red flag.

[Gaeta]

You are not in a relationship. You are both in different countries and barely see each other. When you invited him over for the summer he declined that and said *he doesn't do parents*. He's a huge waste of your time and love. Please break this off and find yourself a nice local man that will take you out, touch you, and make you feel really loved.

[smackie9]

LDRs are a waste of time....surly you can meet someone locally. You are hanging by a thread because it's not going to last unless you move real soon. Most don't make it past the year and a half mark.....then they just start to waver because they met someone that live close to them.

[sandylee1]

So you're not in the same country as him and she is?

Why not find someone closer to home.

 

My husband had been keeping contact with an EX and I never realised how many years after they split and we were married that this kept on.

 

My final stance was that I would not be a happy wife if this continued and if he felt it was okay, I would seek out some Ex BFs to keep in touch with. He wasn't thrilled about that, so contact with the Ex ended.

 

Find someone closer to home.

[kendahke]

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship and it has been a year of a successful long distance dating and getting closer. He has been very open and honest about the fact that he is friends with his ex girlfriend with whom they mutually broke up 4 years ago since their relationship had turned into a friendship and the fire was gone. he respects her and they have many common friends so in cases they are in the same events or gatherings. He told me last month that a couple of time, he and her went to the movies together and one night, when he was helping her out with something, they had dinner in her house. I know for sure there is nothing going on and I trust him, but this still bugs me. And they do write via Whatsapp. If not everyday, i think regularly.

 

I would have had an easier time if they were on good terms and saw each other maybe once a year or so, But the fact thta it is more often than that, somehow is upsetting me. There are times when i forget it and times when this comes back to bug me inside. I have been very open to him about this and he say he undertands my feelings. But he has repeatedly said that there is nothign going on and that our relationship is not being threatened at all by his friendship with her.

 

I have already brought this up a few times and the last time, he said it was getting uncomfortable and being blown out of proportion. He also said that he is willing to clarify anything else i have in my mind. But for some reasons, when he brought that up, i was unable to pursue the subject further. I am not sure then if it is a smart idea for me to tell him to clarify why there is this regular contact between them, or to just trust his word and drop this subject. I dont wantt to sabotage our relationship in any way.

 

Is it best to just drop it or healthier to clarify why there is a need to for them to be hanging out?

 

You are in a LDR, so that brings with it a whole host of problems on its own without the one of him hanging out with his ex.

 

He hangs out with her 1. because he wants to; and 2. you're not there to hang out with. Some people just dont' have the discipline to be by themselves and entertain themselves. My ex was one of those kinds of people, while I can entertain myself without need for attention from the opposite sex. Once our relationship went through the LDR, that was when he started hanging out with female friends.

 

I'd say that if you do not suspect him of cheating, either physically or emotionally, and want to stay with him to just drop it. You've already told him how it makes you feel and he's already told you you're blowing things out of proportion. He's telling you that he's not taking orders on that tip from you. Your choice is to stay, knowing this, or bounce.

[LoveAnimals]

Ok I just read that youre in an LDR with this guy. Forget my original comment and move on from this guy. He's bad news.

[OldRover]

First,

 

Spend some time reading all the marriage sites and information on what is appropriate behavior with a person of the opposite sex, when they are in a committed relationship......

 

ALL of them say that ANY activity that puts them together alone, is inappropriate..... going to the movies alone together, or dinner alone at one's home or a restaurant is inappropriate.

 

Only occasionally talk or meeting in public places with others. The "brother/sister" excuse is bull shi*.... (you can screw your sister!).

 

I'd have no part of it, with and ex or any other person of the opposite sex. It's just amazing how fast things can go wrong when two of the opposite sex spend time alone together.... and they do it again... and end up liking it. and .......

 

Second: Also, I'm NOT a fan of a LDR, it rarely works. I was away from my wife for work for about 9 months, and commuted monthly to see her. It was a horrible time, and could have caused huge problems. Never again.

 

Now, combine the two.... a relationship with an ex, being alone, and a LDR.... disaster.

 

I'd bet that that will just not work at all.

[hellischrome]

Sorry OldRover, I so don't agree with you! The brother and sister thing is not bull****, it DOES happen. Now that my best friend (ex boyfriend) moved in the same country where I am (with his girlfriend), I see him one-to-one if she's stuck at work and we wait for her, or if she has things to do etc. I even talked to him about the fact that his SO wants to get married and he should act on it.

 

This said, I didn't realise we were talking about LDR. I only had one with my ex of 6 years, and it obviously ended.

 

OP, I do think this guy needs trust until he either 1) Does something to prove that he can't be trusted, 2) Clearly shows he doesn't care about your feelings.

 

I had the same problem (as I said, I sometimes still fight about it with my SO), but we came to a few compromises. And we live together and the ex is in another country, so it doesn't really apply to your situation.

 

If you really want to save this (I do understand people saying to leave him, but I know it's not that easy), try to see how much he's willing to compromise. My SO knows that when the occasional face-to-face contact occurs (once a year), I want to know in advance and I want to know what they did, when, where they went, etc. That could be a start for you. Also, if you're willing to put up with this you have to put your foot down and ask for some more commitment (*I don't do parents*... eeeek? Well, you should have said *I don't do ex girlfriends* :-D )

[Els]

Ok I just read that youre in an LDR with this guy. Forget my original comment and move on from this guy. He's bad news.

 

So his behaviour is A-OK if they're not in a LDR, but now that you know they're in a LDR he's bad news?

 

IMO someone constantly hanging out 1-on-1 with their ex (especially at the ex's home!!) is always bad news, period. I don't know ANYONE who would be okay with that, or anyone who would do that if they cared at all about their relationship. It doesn't even matter if they live on the same street, she should not be putting up with this.

[Maxtor]

Being friends with ex = sexual tension.

[OldRover]

Sorry OldRover, I so don't agree with you! The brother and sister thing is not bull****, it DOES happen. Now that my best friend (ex boyfriend) moved in the same country where I am (with his girlfriend), I see him one-to-one if she's stuck at work and we wait for her, or if she has things to do etc. I even talked to him about the fact that his SO wants to get married and he should act on it.

....................

 

Maybe I said it wrong, but my point was that is DOES indeed happen, that's why I'd be totally agains in activity that puts the ex with one's lover alone... and ANY time.

 

I know there are some people that can handle this (I've got a good friend that has that relationship with his ex and her husband, and they behave appropriately, but it's not a normal activity for them..... occasionally she comes to town to see the daughter and actually spends the night at my friends house... in a different bedroom, different bath room... and the husband comes down the next day or so. And nothing goes on. But I'd not recommend that for most people. Certainly not for me. Huge red flag.... and with a LDR... disaster.