Family doesn't care for blind father

[Kcame30]

I moved almost a yr. ago from out of state to help with my Dad. My Dad is almost completely blind from Glaucoma. Because of his faith in God (he’s a devoted Christian) he is “waiting” to have God repair his vision.

 

He is stubborn and refuses to try to live his life more independently as a blind man. He also refuses a home health aide. This makes his life a lot more difficult.

When I first moved here his home was a complete mess. Not much food in his nasty fridge; a lot of the food was expired and had a few cooked meals. One sibling took him to the store when he needed to. I’m a middle child of 10 siblings (I’m 32). 5 siblings live far away and my other siblings (who are the oldest) live no further than 15 minutes away.

 

I was extremely furious with my other siblings who lived close by for letting my father live like he was unimportant. My siblings who live close by rarely help with my father at all. I and my older sister physically and financially help out with my father more than anyone else.

 

My dad has a fixed income and recently received a home health aide. It took almost a year to convince him that he needed more help. This experience has been very overwhelming for me.

 

What I need suggestions on is how can I maintain a loving close relationship with my older siblings? I’m not close to them because they are a lot older, we have different mothers and I wasn’t raised around them during my childhood. I would like to establish a connection with them but it’s difficult for me because of their distance with our father. I’ve heard of countless stories of my father being neglectful and nasty towards them so I don’t know everything. I know my father loves them but I don’t see the excuse for letting his care go just to me and one of my sisters. It’s really unfair to us. They are all supposedly devoted Christians. Where is the love and forgiveness? I don’t want to feel like I’m being too judgmental.

 

I want to bring it up with my older sister but I’m afraid that I might offend her. How can I go about feeling better about this situation? It really breaks my heart knowing my father doesn’t receive enough love from my older siblings. I don’t feel that they have anything against me personally but I’m fighting really hard to not have a low opinion of them. How can I show love to everyone when there is so much division in my family?

[Qboro90]

It sounds like these other siblings experienced a pretty bad childhood or experiences growing up with your father and you are so much younger that you're not aware how bad it might have been. There's a good chance they don't want to be around him and don't care how he's doing if he didn't take care of them growing up they probably feel "why should we take care of him, he didn't do anything but hurt us growing up". So keep that in mind.

 

You're best bet would be to reach out to the sibling who you are either closest to or who you know is respected amongst your other siblings. Explain that while you understand that there might have been a painful past regarding your father and their relationships you have done everything you could up to this point to be a good Christian son and look after him as best you could. The fact is that you just cannot do it on your own anymore. You're not asking them to step in and take it all on their shoulders but ask if that sibling would be open to gathering or speaking with the others and working out a schedule or financial plan that would lessen the load on you and to share the responsibility.

 

If they are religious like your dad then talk about how you're not asking them to forget how he treated them, but as a Christian don't they want to set an example for their children and show that you should love and care for your family no matter what? Come at them in a way where they can see you are exhausted and spent with doing it all on your own. They might chip in and get an aid to visit him as well if they don't want to be around him, that'd be an amicable option for you all.

[anika99]

They are older than you and have a different mother. This indicates that he left them and then had more children with one or more different women. If he was a crappy father who abandoned them then I can somewhat see their position. You reap what you sow. You don't get to treat your children like sh*t and then expect them to take care of you. My father had 7 children with 3 different women. I didn't know him at all growing up. I did establish a polite relationship with him when I was an adult but in my eyes he was not my father and I felt no obligation to take care of him when he became ill. That was up to the kids that he raised and took care of.

[Kcame30]

Thanks, I can understand things better. I'm trying my best to not be judgmental towards my older siblings.

 

I recently moved further away because I needed to distance myself and take a break from the situation. I will still be there for my father but my time is limited now that I'm going back to school and starting a small business.

 

I will have a talk with my sister since she is the most devoted Christian. I think I can trust her and not feel uncomfortable. I will mention everything you suggested. I really appreciate your response. It helped me a lot.

[Kcame30]

They are older than you and have a different mother. This indicates that he left them and then had more children with one or more different women. If he was a crappy father who abandoned them then I can somewhat see their position. You reap what you sow. You don't get to treat your children like sh*t and then expect them to take care of you. My father had 7 children with 3 different women. I didn't know him at all growing up. I did establish a polite relationship with him when I was an adult but in my eyes he was not my father and I felt no obligation to take care of him when he became ill. That was up to the kids that he raised and took care of.

 

I can understand the situation a lot more after reading your response. I feel like my older siblings will not tell me everything because they don't want to completely turn me off from my father.

 

When my parents got married they were already in their young teens. I've heard he treated us (my younger siblings and I) better. Whatever the case may be it's really disheartening to see how everything unfolded before me. I came home expecting a different experience but ended up really disappointed. In this case I have to forgive my father and my older siblings

for hurting each other. It's hard but I will try to establish some kind of relationship with everyone. I hate the division between everyone but I now understand why it's there.

 

Thank again.