It's not mine

[Bugz Bunny]

Hi friend...I am following your story from beginning and I am really sorry for your situation...

 

I dont post much but I can tell you that your WW committed the worst possible type of infidelity:

 

1. sex in your home,

2. doing things with OM that she never did with you,

3. unprotected sex,

4. got pregnant with OM child

 

Actually it could only be worse than it already is if the OM was your brother father or some other family member...

 

But on the other hand you are very very young and thank God you found out just in time to don't get hooked on paying child support for OM child...

 

My advice to you or better said what I would do if I was in your place:

 

1. Divorce

2. Go NC with her so that you can detox from her and focus all energy on physically and mentally healing yourself

3. Start working out,go to gym and join some new hobbies where you can meet some new people

4. Cut all contact with "friends" that knew about the affair and didnt tell you

5. Eat healthy food

 

With time and distance from her your wounds will heal and in time you will also find I woman that will love and respect you for what you are and in her eyes you will be a number 10 ...

 

Good Luck...

[Itwasntme]

Update:

 

I talked to the lawyer and it went pretty easy. He didn't say anything out right surprising and basically said the same thing you all told me. He said since the divorce is amiable it should go easy and be done in no time but until we have it done on paper I should be careful and start making moves to protect my self just in case she has a change of mind.

[Itwasntme]

A post nuptial agreement is for a couples that has agreed to reconciliation and the agreement gives the betrayed spouse a greater share of the marital assets if they divorce because of a new infidelity. This type of agreement works with a spouse who won't honour marriage boundaries and is more concerned with loosing a lifestyle. That still leaves you raising another mans child that your wife willing made with her affair partner. My ex actually wanted other mans child, she wanted to have something of his to hold on to but with me paying to raise him, she was never going to tell me the truth, I wasn't supposed to find out.

 

You will spend the rest of your life dealing with this, some things just can't be fixed because fixing it means you eat another sh*t sandwich. How much of you are you willing to loose over a woman that bangs another dude in your own home? This is her problem, you can walk away and still have a great life with someone that thinks your a 10 and is 100% committed to you. She's out there but you'll never meet her as long as you waste time in this mind fu*k of a marriage. Get rid of the friends, a friend would have exposed the affair to you. Maybe the room they conceived their love child can become the baby room if you stay together.

wait so your ex literally told you she wanted something to hold on to from the OM? And yeah after the divorce I might look into dating again if I even feel like it. But for now I rather just be alone

[stillafool]

I have to say your wife is a selfish piece of work. While she was a newlywed she needed so much more attention that she had to have an affair. Now that she is pregnant by OM she realizes she loves you (or loves the life you are providing her). How very selfish. Also I wouldn't want kids with this woman if I were you. She is willing to give this innocent baby up for adoption just so she can have back the cushy lifestyle you provided for her. She doesn't even love her own baby! Does this tell you what type of mother she would be to your kids if you had any? She will definitely see her loser OM when she goes to Texas, but let her as they belong together. Let her have the loser lifestyle she will get by being with him. Trust me, that's your revenge if you want it. Also once someone commits adultery the marriage is over in Gods eyes. You were abandoned.

[No Limit]

right now if she goes to the other OM I will just take that as a sign for she chose him and I'll be done with her for good, I'll go total NC unless it's about the baby.

 

No, you go total NC. This child isn't your problem anymore.

Do you actually believe that she would tell you if they screwed in the bed - something she knows would be a dealbreaker for 99% of all married people?

 

Since the time she started her affair she has nothing but lied. I promise you, just because she's busted doesn't mean that she stopped lying. Many cheaters continue to lie even long until after the divorce is finalized, it's the way they function - nonstop gaslighting to the rest of the world.

[GorillaTheater]

Update:

 

I talked to the lawyer and it went pretty easy. He didn't say anything out right surprising and basically said the same thing you all told me. He said since the divorce is amiable it should go easy and be done in no time but until we have it done on paper I should be careful and start making moves to protect my self just in case she has a change of mind.

 

What did he say about the paternity issue and how to handle that? One way I suppose is to raise the issue in the divorce petition, but I'm not sure that's sufficient to keep your name from being put on the birth certificate. I'm curious how you were advised to deal with it.

[Itwasntme]

Hi friend...I am following your story from beginning and I am really sorry for your situation...

 

I dont post much but I can tell you that your WW committed the worst possible type of infidelity:

 

1. sex in your home,

2. doing things with OM that she never did with you,

3. unprotected sex,

4. got pregnant with OM child

 

Actually it could only be worse than it already is if the OM was your brother father or some other family member...

 

But on the other hand you are very very young and thank God you found out just in time to don't get hooked on paying child support for OM child...

 

My advice to you or better said what I would do if I was in your place:

 

1. Divorce

2. Go NC with her so that you can detox from her and focus all energy on physically and mentally healing yourself

3. Start working out,go to gym and join some new hobbies where you can meet some new people

4. Cut all contact with "friends" that knew about the affair and didnt tell you

5. Eat healthy food

 

With time and distance from her your wounds will heal and in time you will also find I woman that will love and respect you for what you are and in her eyes you will be a number 10 ...

 

Good Luck...

well thanks man for following thread and 1. Yeah we're divorcing

2. I kinda do want to go NC but I told her I'll call her at least once a week about the kid. And yeah I get people saying that the baby not being mine but me caring is a stupid and a mistake, but Idc I went to every doctor visit and still have its ultrasound picture in my wallet so I'm not just going to abandoned it right now. But I will take their advice and make sure she can't entrap me for 18 years if i want out.

 

3. Well I run the thread mill in my house if that count as working out. I might start to play basketball again but stop since i moved and I don't really have people to play with.

 

4.the only one that I know who knew about it is my wife friend and she had cut my STBXW off so idk what to do in that situation. Yeah she didn't tell me but it's not like they stayed friends

 

5. Well my STBXW did all the cooking and I suck at cooking But I'll try and thanks for the advice

[sandylee1]

 

I'll go total NC unless it's about the baby.

 

So As long as she signs the postnup and the divorce

 

Apart from informing you she's had the baby, you really don't want to form any kind of an emotional bond with this child otherwise she'll just manipulate you.

 

In addition to the postnup and divorce.........she needs to keep your name of the birth certificate.

[lollipopspot]

Also I wouldn't want kids with this woman if I were you. She is willing to give this innocent baby up for adoption just so she can have back the cushy lifestyle you provided for her. She doesn't even love her own baby! Does this tell you what type of mother she would be to your kids if you had any?

 

You're saying that women who give babies up for adoption aren't fit for motherhood? Babies are always given up for some reason of financial and convenience.

[Itwasntme]

What did he say about the paternity issue and how to handle that? One way I suppose is to raise the issue in the divorce petition, but I'm not sure that's sufficient to keep your name from being put on the birth certificate. I'm curious how you were advised to deal with it.

 

What did he say about the paternity issue and how to handle that? One way I suppose is to raise the issue in the divorce petition, but I'm not sure that's sufficient to keep your name from being put on the birth certificate. I'm curious how you were advised to deal with it.

 

He told me basically what you all said DO NOT sign any paper saying I'm the father and since my ex is willing to be of help the easiest thing to do would be to Fill out a denial of paternity And have my ex and the OM fill out a acknowledgement of paternity. But he said to be careful because she has to give it to the hospital staff before they submit the birth certificate or they will still list me down as the father And he has had clients where the why didn't submit it on purpose and I'll have to take it to a judge then.

[trolloperative]

You're saying that women who give babies up for adoption aren't fit for motherhood? Babies are always given up for some reason of financial and convenience.

 

In this case the wife would be giving up the baby for her own financial reasons, not the child's welfare.

[GorillaTheater]

He told me basically what you all said DO NOT sign any paper saying I'm the father and since my ex is willing to be of help the easiest thing to do would be to Fill out a denial of paternity And have my ex and the OM fill out a acknowledgement of paternity. But he said to be careful because she has to give it to the hospital staff before they submit the birth certificate or they will still list me down as the father And he has had clients where the why didn't submit it on purpose and I'll have to take it to a judge then.

 

Thanks. If the process requires the OM to sign off on it, you might still wind up in front of the judge. Most of those douche rockets are in it for the sex, not the responsibility.

 

Best of luck, IWM.

[Itwasntme]

Thanks. If the process requires the OM to sign off on it, you might still wind up in front of the judge. Most of those douche rockets are in it for the sex, not the responsibility.

 

Best of luck, IWM.

Well he said he wanted the kid so if he wasn't just lying he should sign the paper. But my lawyer told me to immediately call him if the man doesn't want to sign. He also warned me if I do sign the form though, if I decide to stay in the kid life his mom would be able to cut me out of all contact anytime she pleased as I won't been seen as anything to the kid legal wise. So that was some to think about.

 

And that's what I'm saying, he doesn't love her! He only loves what she can do for him and she fell into his lies.

[lollipopspot]

In this case the wife would be giving up the baby for her own financial reasons, not the child's welfare.

 

It's the same thing - she doesn't work - how is she going to support the child.

 

Financial reasons and convenience are the reasons why people give up babies for adoption (same as abortion). This isn't special.

[HurtOfGlass]

right now if she goes to the other OM I will just take that as a sign for she chose him and I'll be done with her for good, I'll go total NC unless it's about the baby.

 

Sorry but I have to say this. If you are divorcing her, why do you even need to contact her for the baby? That whelp of hers is not your responsibility.

[Itwasntme]

Sorry but I have to say this. If you are divorcing her, why do you even need to contact her for the baby? That whelp of hers is not your responsibility.

Why not? I said earlier even if we aren't together doesn't me I don't want the kid, I just don't want the mother right now. And even though I'm getting forms so if I do decide to get away I can, it doesn't mean I will actually leave, this will just leave my options open. And plus like lollipopspot said, she doesn't have a job and financial has been relying on me

For some months now. Yeah you say let her parents or OM take care of her needs but the truth is neither can, OM is a bum and I be having to help out her parents myself

[understand50]

Why not? I said earlier even if we aren't together doesn't me I don't want the kid, I just don't want the mother right now. And even though I'm getting forms so if I do decide to get away I can, it doesn't mean I will actually leave, this will just leave my options open. And plus like lollipopspot said, she doesn't have a job and financial has been relying on me

For some months now. Yeah you say let her parents or OM take care of her needs but the truth is neither can, OM is a bum and I be having to help out her parents myself

 

Itwasntme,

 

You are doing what is really out of fashioned today, doing the honorable thing for a cheating wife. She is pregnant, and the one innocent here is the unborn child. You can provide a safe environment, and not be a door mat. Yes, support her, make sure the child is safe, and then take the time to take any steps you need in your life.

 

It is up to you if you can forgive, and accept the child and raise it as your own. If you cannot, make sure of your wife's and her child's well being, and divorce her.

 

Do not let anyone, after you make up your mind, put you down. Compassion is manly. Sometimes, you have to look at the big picture and decide to accept the hurt in order not grievously hurt someone else and especially a child. In any case, I would have your wife put on the birth certificate the name of the real father. This will give you protection, if you decide to divorce. If you take the very hard road of reconciliation, you can adopt the child at that time, or sue the OM for child support. In any case, she needs to go No contact with the OM, and be totally fourth coming on what happened.

 

Myself, I would start the divorce paperwork, but support my SBEX and make sure of her well being and that of the child. I would then use the DNA results to have the court go after the OM for child support. The health and care of the mother and child would be the paramount concern. What happens to the marriage would be second, but I would end it.

 

Wish you luck.

[stillafool]

You're saying that women who give babies up for adoption aren't fit for motherhood? Babies are always given up for some reason of financial and convenience.

 

That's not what I'm saying at all. This woman was perfectly willing to go ahead with her pregnancy (as long as her husband thought it was hers) and now that she is in jeopardy of losing her lifestyle she is ready to give it up for adoption. She is at an advanced pregnancy stage and I would think she has developed a love for it that she wouldn't even let the threat of losing her husband make her give it up. This is different from a woman who has no bette choice but to give up her baby to a good adoption. This mans wife was perfectly willing to keep the baby if she could have done so and kept her lifestyle.

[stillafool]

 

Get rid of the friends, a friend would have exposed the affair to you. Maybe the room they conceived their love child can become the baby room if you stay together.

 

^^^^THIS! A good friend would have never allowed this in their home. I wouldn't, would you?

[lollipopspot]

That's not what I'm saying at all. This woman was perfectly willing to go ahead with her pregnancy (as long as her husband thought it was hers) and now that she is in jeopardy of losing her lifestyle she is ready to give it up for adoption. She is at an advanced pregnancy stage and I would think she has developed a love for it that she wouldn't even let the threat of losing her husband make her give it up. This is different from a woman who has no bette choice but to give up her baby to a good adoption. This mans wife was perfectly willing to keep the baby if she could have done so and kept her lifestyle.

 

"Losing her lifestyle" = losing her ability to provide for the baby. This is the situation of any woman who gives up her baby because she can't provide for them.

 

You want to hear the reason framed in a more "saintly" manner - "it's not about me, it's about the child!" - you want to hear it like that - and indeed a lot of people will say it just like that to make themselves and society feel better and to be less judged, but the reasons are the same. She has no job and she is dependent on this guy who is leaving her. How do you know that her reasons have nothing to do with the welfare of the child? What tells you that the other women who give up their babies aren't also doing it because they want a better life for themselves (in most every case, they do).

[stillafool]

I agree with you - he needs to think about what he wants, and protect himself if he doesn't want this.

 

But I am also seeing something from OP to indicate that he may want to be a father, even if he isn't the biological one. That's o.k. too. Everyone assumes that he shouldn't want this, but maybe he does.

 

Of course he wants to be a father. He also wants the baby to have been his and he wanted his wife not to have sleezed around with another man and gotten herself pregnant. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way. He can still have plenty of his own kids and be the father he dreamed of being. Why should he spend anymore time with a woman who clearly doesn't love him?

 

OP, I don't mean to hurt you but if your wife was into doing sexual positions with the OM that she didn't with you, that's because he's the man her body wants. You deserve a woman who craves sex that way with you.

[stillafool]

"Losing her lifestyle" = losing her ability to provide for the baby. This is the situation of any woman who gives up her baby because she can't provide for them.

 

You want to hear the reason framed in a more "saintly" manner - "it's not about me, it's about the child!" - you want to hear it like that - and indeed a lot of people will say it just like that to make themselves and society feel better and to be less judged, but the reasons are the same. She has no job and she is dependent on this guy who is leaving her. How do you know that her reasons have nothing to do with the welfare of the child? What tells you that the other women who give up their babies aren't also doing it because they want a better life for themselves (in most every case, they do).

 

She should be dependent on the baby's father and herself. She has worked before and can work again. She isn't in the streets she is at her parents house for goodness sake. How do you compare a grown cheating wife of a professional man giving up her baby to preserve her cushy lifestyle to that of an unwed mother, living in poverty giving up their baby for adoption? Not only that this woman has work history and can go back to work. She did a really good job working directly under the other man.

[Itwasntme]

That's not what I'm saying at all. This woman was perfectly willing to go ahead with her pregnancy (as long as her husband thought it was hers) and now that she is in jeopardy of losing her lifestyle she is ready to give it up for adoption. She is at an advanced pregnancy stage and I would think she has developed a love for it that she wouldn't even let the threat of losing her husband make her give it up. This is different from a woman who has no bette choice but to give up her baby to a good adoption. This mans wife was perfectly willing to keep the baby if she could have done so and kept her lifestyle.

i fully understand where you're coming from and I'm not necessarily trying to defend her but then you have to think about what if I wanted her and not the baby? If I said I couldn't be with her unless she gave the baby up since it reminded me of the betrayal, is it crazy for her to chose the man she say she loves? If that was the case and she chose the baby of the OM, I wouldn't be able to be with a women who puts another man child over me and she would still lose someone she loves. Trust me she by far wanted to give the baby up it was her last resort plan and even though I'm providing for her financial it's not like she can't go find another accountant job after birth and live a decent life. She just felt by giving it up would make me want to stay which wasn't the case.

[lollipopspot]

She should be dependent on the baby's father and herself. She has worked before and can work again. She isn't in the streets she is at her parents house for goodness sake. How do you compare a grown cheating wife of a professional man giving up her baby to preserve her cushy lifestyle to that of an unwed mother, living in poverty giving up their baby for adoption? Not only that this woman has work history and can go back to work. She did a really good job working directly under the other man.

 

You're under the false impression that every woman who gives a baby up for adoption is a woman living on the streets in dire poverty. That's not the case. They could often live with family too - although that almost always has pitfalls, as I'm sure it does in this case too. Few adults want to live with their parents. It's very often about lifestyle - wanting to finish school, travel, work more, party more, etc.

 

If you didn't read it, the wife's parents are also being supported in part by the OP. You don't know if they can or are willing to support her and a baby. You don't know her skills or what level she's worked at before. I've known young women who have given up children for adoption - they weren't desperate and on the streets - they wanted a better life for themselves than struggling to raise a child on their own. Sounds like this woman does too. Some just don't want to be single mothers.

 

This is no special case in terms of giving a child up for adoption. I know society likes to paint women who give up children as desperate saints, but it isn't the case.

Edited August 16, 2015 by lollipopspot

[eye of the storm]

Itwasntme, I am cringing as I type this. Talk to your lawyer about how much, if any, financial support you should be sending to your W. Currently, you are still married and you had both agreed that she would be a SAHW. The odds of her getting a job while so obviously pregnant will be difficult.

 

 

Right or wrong, and I agree this is soo wrong. But you need to give her no reason to dig her heels in and to try and shaft you in this divorce. You want everything to go smooth and fast. Trust me, there will be people filling her head with ways to screw you. Probably including the OW. And if she suddenly goes from all the cash and no job worries to a broke single mom with no job prospects.... she could get ****ty fast.

 

 

I am not typing this with glee. Divorce sucks. I ended up taking a financial bath in my divorce because peace was more valuable than the cash.

 

 

But it might be in your best interest to talk to your lawyer about the pros and cons and ways and means of continuing to support your wife thru the divorce. (once the papers are signed then close the volunteer checkbook)

 

 

As to wanting to stay in the child's life, that is again not within your control. You could choose to be on the BC, then she could leave you and take the kid and keep you on the hook for child support while filing ruling after ruling to keep you from seeing the kid. If you are able to stay off the BC, she could allow you to have a relationship and then once you are hooked and totally in love with the kid, start holding him hostage for money, gifts, or other such blackmail.

 

 

I know you think she wouldn't do this. But you didn't think she would cheat on you either. I bet you never thought she would try to pass another man's child off as yours. She has shown that she is completely prepared and willing to do many things hurtful to you. Don't think for a second that she would not use this child as a weapon against you. That is why you need to make sure you are legally covered and separated from both her and the child.

 

 

Now, she may do none of these things. But I prepare all aspects for the worst and pray for the best. That way if the best works out, great. But if **** his the fan, then you are covered and protected. Which should be your goal.