It's not mine

[No Limit]

And that's what I'm saying, he doesn't love her! He only loves what she can do for him and she fell into his lies.

 

Of course he doesn't love her, but don't downplay your STBX's role in the affair. She wanted this, she loved the attention and the sex. She wasn't raped, she wanted it and she couldn't give two *****s about how you feel as long as you keep paying for her lifestyle. What if her next baby will be by another guy too?

 

Yes, ignoring her for the next 2 months is actually the best route. You keep holding on to that baby, and it's definitely traumatic to "lose" a child you believe existed, but you need to let this go and holding on to things like ultrasound pictures etc won't help you. Even if you took her back, she could leave anytime and take the child with her - in fact there was a case like this a year ago when the woman suddenly left for OM and when the betrayed guy told her he wanted to see his child she suddenly told him it wasn't his and left. Do you want this happening to you? It will be much, MUCH worse than what you are experiencing now, costly on all sides.

 

You also keep writing "AP didn't love her" - frankly, since you are married for just a short time and she spent a quarter of that time with another guy, do you actually believe she loves you? You're young, you have both feet on the ground - what makes you believe you can't do better than a cheating b!tch who would even trade her child for a comfortable life (since she even offers adoption, in her mind probably the equivalent to "late-time-aborting")?

[sandylee1]

No limit

 

I usually think your advice is harsh but this ^^^^ is spot on.

[m.snow]

First off I've been wondering what is a KISA? Two you're right she will survive without me. But I'm not really worried about her, I just want to make sure the baby is ok up until birth. Is that wrong of me?

 

good man. keep an eye and support if you want. but if possible from a distance let your presence be known to her and her family alone.

 

there are abortions that still happen late in the pregnancy.

for the crackers hope she don't do that.

 

its probably best you be at the delivery.

so you can make damn sure nobody writes your name on the card.

would save you alot of legal brewhaha

(i'd be at the nurses station watching the paper work being done.)

 

also make sure she don't invite the posom during the delivery.

 

everybody would look at you to be the better man.

___________________________________________________________

 

does the om's other baby mama know? time to cause a sheit storm.

maybe you can tell her after the delivery.

___________________________________________________________

 

im thinking, it would be best she'd stay with you till delivery so you can keep an eye on her. in case she plots something. or worst plot with the om.

note: right now you have access to her phone & email. you can know if she gets a attorney. you may see what she is talking with attorney.

 

i know it would be very difficult to be with her with all these emotions at play.

but you must play this game with a focused mind and a cold heart. do not let your emotions get the better of you. you must be methodical in all of this.

 

you have to keep a poker face up, and make it seem to her & her family you are still supporting her.

with that you can still make sure she dances on the palm of your finger tips.

 

if you just leave her desperate she will look to others for comfort i.e. the om. and you might not know what the may have in store.

Edited August 16, 2015 by m.snow

[singer23]

So what do you suggest I do to get away? Go on a resort vacation? Just ignore her for two whole months? And I'm being serious here too, I want your opinion because I've been looking at it from the point of view as even if I'm not legally his father and I'm not with his mother we could still form a bond and I'll be truly loving. People keep telling me I won't be able to truly love him as he will always remind me of the betrayal and how crazy or doormat I'm being, but I just don't see it that way.

 

The biggest thing I feel I have to worry about is the future and the mom pulling some evil **** on me, I would say she wouldn't cut me off of contact with the boy she isn't a spiteful person like that. But like one poster said I also wouldn't had thought she would cheat on me, and females emotions are unpredictable and all over the place. So yeah that would be a challenge I'm taking but outside of that maybe I am thinking to immature but I can't see any other problems. Plus I feel if I just gave in now I wouldn't be doing it out of certainty that I don't want the kid but out of pressure from people on here

 

 

She just needs to feel betrayed by you and current guilt to fade out to pull out even nastier sh*t on you..

 

if you think about it. Things were going well between you two before this. Now, when things are going well, not only did she cheat on you, she did things with her OM that she would reject you, she did threesomes with the other guy, she tried to pass off his kid as yours, and even risked your health for nasty STDs. Even for cheaters, this is particularly bottom rung. Maybe she even used your money to buy him stuff. Now she is ready to dump her kid to cover up her faults.

 

This woman might be 9 now, but as a person, she is less than one. Maybe you can learn from this to not judge a person by their looks. You probably got caught so much by her beauty that you did not notice the horrible person

she is.

[Itwasntme]

Of course he doesn't love her, but don't downplay your STBX's role in the affair. She wanted this, she loved the attention and the sex. She wasn't raped, she wanted it and she couldn't give two *****s about how you feel as long as you keep paying for her lifestyle. What if her next baby will be by another guy too?

 

Yes, ignoring her for the next 2 months is actually the best route. You keep holding on to that baby, and it's definitely traumatic to "lose" a child you believe existed, but you need to let this go and holding on to things like ultrasound pictures etc won't help you. Even if you took her back, she could leave anytime and take the child with her - in fact there was a case like this a year ago when the woman suddenly left for OM and when the betrayed guy told her he wanted to see his child she suddenly told him it wasn't his and left. Do you want this happening to you? It will be much, MUCH worse than what you are experiencing now, costly on all sides.

 

You also keep writing "AP didn't love her" - frankly, since you are married for just a short time and she spent a quarter of that time with another guy, do you actually believe she loves you? You're young, you have both feet on the ground - what makes you believe you can't do better than a cheating b!tch who would even trade her child for a comfortable life (since she even offers adoption, in her mind probably the equivalent to "late-time-aborting")?

I've been meaning to ask you why do you hate cheaters so much no limit? Idk why but your earlier post about selling the house stuck out and so I clicked on your profile to read some of your other post. I have to say I agree with sandylee, a lot of your post seemed harsh and real to me and then I noticed you're 19.

 

I'm not trying to criticize you or anything (what you said in your latest post made sense and has me thinking) but I was just wondering why did you hate the idea of cheaters so much? Was it because your dad betrayed your family and you can't forgive him for it (or might do) or was it a ex boyfriend you loved slept around?

[singer23]

And these are just the things that you know ebcause those are the things she told you. the full truth will usually be even more horrible.

[m.snow]

where is your wife now?

 

if she's already at her parents house how long will she stay there?

[singer23]

Well he said he wanted the kid so if he wasn't just lying he should sign the paper. But my lawyer told me to immediately call him if the man doesn't want to sign. He also warned me if I do sign the form though, if I decide to stay in the kid life his mom would be able to cut me out of all contact anytime she pleased as I won't been seen as anything to the kid legal wise. So that was some to think about.

 

And that's what I'm saying, he doesn't love her! He only loves what she can do for him and she fell into his lies.

 

 

 

Your wife was not manipulated into f*cking other men. She was not played. She was not lied to. She knew she was married to you. She is an adult who knows infidelity is a dealbreaker and still went through with it. Stop making excuses for her.

[salparadise]

First off I've been wondering what is a KISA? Two you're right she will survive without me. But I'm not really worried about her, I just want to make sure the baby is ok up until birth. Is that wrong of me?

 

You're not wrong for wanting the baby to be ok––but why are you so adamant about making it your responsibility?

 

She's still on your insurance (presumably) and you can cover the co-pays... but staying in contact in order to keep asking, "hey hun, how's the baby?" Eh, what's that really about?

 

There's more going on here than you realize, is my guess. Yes, you formed an attachment believing it was your baby––but it's not your baby. You haven't seen or held the baby so the attachment is to the concept not a person. You seem to be trying to hold onto a lost dream in some way.

 

You're behaving like a codependent with a savior complex. Is it really critical to your self-image that you ride in and be the hero-rescuer-savior even after the ultimate humiliation was so blatantly and thoughtlessly dealt to you?

 

Man, you were cuckolded, cheated, deceived, played for a complete phuking fool. She fully intended to make that your life! Where is the outrage?

 

You get a free pass outta there and you're not keen on taking it––it doesn't compute. You don't seem to be in fully touch something. Is there some fundamental sense of unworthiness that make you want to cling, a perverse, masochistic response to the loss? Suppressing, rationalizing?

 

I have no idea where the motivations originate, but I have a feeling that it runs deeper than you realize. Are you seeing a therapist? If not I think you should. This is too much emotional trauma to try and deal with on your own.

 

A rational response would be to want to erase the whole mess from one's memory... and get as far away from it as possible.

 

Yea, I know that's my perspective, but it just doesn't seem rational to me or most others that you'd be trying to hang onto any part of this.

[dental]

So what do you suggest I do to get away? Go on a resort vacation? Just ignore her for two whole months? And I'm being serious here too, I want your opinion because I've been looking at it from the point of view as even if I'm not legally his father and I'm not with his mother we could still form a bond and I'll be truly loving. People keep telling me I won't be able to truly love him as he will always remind me of the betrayal and how crazy or doormat I'm being, but I just don't see it that way.

 

The biggest thing I feel I have to worry about is the future and the mom pulling some evil **** on me, I would say she wouldn't cut me off of contact with the boy she isn't a spiteful person like that. But like one poster said I also wouldn't had thought she would cheat on me, and females emotions are unpredictable and all over the place. So yeah that would be a challenge I'm taking but outside of that maybe I am thinking to immature but I can't see any other problems. Plus I feel if I just gave in now I wouldn't be doing it out of certainty that I don't want the kid but out of pressure from people on here

 

This is what I mean when I say that I don't think you have the clarity yet to assess your situation in a way that is beneficial for you. Another man's penis had an open invitation into your WW's vagina for a reasonable amount of time. As a result of this a child is on is way. You were purposefully left out of the equation. Period. This is the reality as I (a person from the outside) see it. I can empathize with your stress, hurt, anger an sorrow. I, however, can't comprehend how you see it as your duty to have a role for yourself in the life of a child coming from the womb of your WW, who chose another man for his genes and you as a security blanket.

[Itwasntme]

My apologies......KISA = Knight in shinning armour.

 

To rescue her from the mess she's in.

 

I can't say it's wrong of you and I would hold no bad feeling towards the baby, but I'd have no particular interest in it.

 

Most men would divorce and never look back, considering she was deceiving you it was yours.

 

I know a case where this man's wife died and his three kids had gone off to college. He got a call from the hospital one day to say his son was in a vehicle accident and was in a bad way. He he gets there are tests are required, some requirement for a donor is required and the dad is tested. Transpires he was no match as a doner and he was NOT the biological father.

 

20 years later he finds out and no way to know who the biological father is as his wife is dead.

 

So he's wondering, what about my daughter and other son......

 

That's the very cruel nature of what your wife did. That could have been you in years to come.

 

I just find it the worse thing a woman can do to a man.

i might not show it in what I've been writing, but I honestly do appreciate your opinion sandylee and everyone else because if everyone was just telling me to take her back or raise the baby as my own, I probably would of never kicked her out and would have been folded easily . so to have people challenge my way of thinking is helpful but I'm a stubborn person so I don't change my mind easily if I set a goal.

 

And I feel as people who actually bonded with a kid for years are in a worst situation then me. I see it like this, when a man finds out before the baby is even born that he is the bio dad he has a easier choice to leave or to stay. Since they don't necessarily have a bond with the kid they will go off of their logic and what they see as most fit to do so either they will say **** that and leave or they will decide to adopt it as their own. And when they adopt they should already know what they are heading into! even if the mom is a total bitch i feel that what you feel towards the mother shouldn't affect how you feel towards the kid.

 

As for dads who actually raised the kids for years thinking he was the bio dad just to find out it all was a lie is probably the most cruelest thing a female can do to a man. And I think they have a much harder decision to a certain extent. Yeah you have some fathers who off the bat their family bond is so strong that they just don't care "my kids are my kids blood or not". But for the ones who can't take it like that they have to chose " do I stay with kids who aren't mine but I've grown to love or do I move on since they aren't mine by blood?" And that right their is the hardest choice, plus I feel some dads get stuck with the kids not because they want them but because they feel responsible for they now.

 

What I'm trying to get across is men in those stories (which I might add are very sad and painful) and me are in almost two different situation! Yes we have the paternity thing but a big difference is I already know and they didn't. If I was in the same scenario that you stated just with my situation I would already know I'm not the bio dad and already would know who the father is. And people keep asking why am I trying to act responsible for a kid that is mine? The thing is I'm not acting responsible, I see responsible or responsibility as something that is your duty to do or something you should do. I don't have to do anything! I choose to do it? Yes because I want too, not because I need too. Tell me who's to say that I can't , right before the birth decide not to take care of it? Or whose to say I can't cut my ex off tomorrow? Nobody! Literally the choice is mine I just sent my ex home yesterday. Nobody is forcing me to do anything and yeah it does kinda seem like I'm being her KISA but that isn't the case I just feel as I should help her a little. It's not like I'm doing big **** for like buying her gifts and present I just told her I'll call her once a week to check on the baby.

Edited August 16, 2015 by Itwasntme

[stillafool]

I'm confused. You keep talking about your responsibility to this baby but have you talked to the baby's father yet? You said in a previous post that he said he wants the baby. If this is true how do you fit into this? Are you planning to be there with him/them when the baby is born? If this man is claiming his baby how can you try to claim it also?

[m.snow]

I just sent my ex home yesterday. I just told her I'll call her once a week to check on the baby.

 

-are the divorce papers signed?

-did she get her attorney?

-will she be comeback to your place?

 

-cause yeah best to keep any eye on her til the divorce is final.

 

she's 7mos right now her due date is probably November?

 

is 3 mos enough for amicable D?

[MrBojangles]

Itwasntme, the fact that you are even considering raising and being a part of this child's life, speaks to your character as a man, and as a person. Your STBEX wife's affair aside, this unborn child had no say in the circumstances that led to it's creation. If you as a man can find the compassion to be a father and provider to this child, then don't let people make you feel less than a man for doing so.

 

This does not mean that you have to get back with your STBEX wife, but even if you did choose to reconcile with her, don't let the opinions of others sway your decision. While she committed the ultimate betrayal of you and the marriage, if you decide she's worth redemption, then you should not give a rat's sass what others think.

 

What you end up deciding in regards to remaining a part of this child's life, could be the difference between him going on to having a great life someday or turning out to lead a very tough life.

 

The only point I'm trying to get across to you in my post is, that you shouldn't feel ashamed for remaining part of this child's life.

[aliveagain]

i might not show it in what I've been writing, but I honestly do appreciate your opinion sandylee and everyone else because if everyone was just telling me to take her back or raise the baby as my own, I probably would of never kicked her out and would have been folded easily . so to have people challenge my way of thinking is helpful but I'm a stubborn person so I don't change my mind easily if I set a goal.

 

And I feel as people who actually bonded with a kid for years are in a worst situation then me. I see it like this, when a man finds out before the baby is even born that he is the bio dad he has a easier choice to leave or to stay. Since they don't necessarily have a bond with the kid they will go off of their logic and what they see as most fit to do so either they will say **** that and leave or they will decide to adopt it as their own. And when they adopt they should already know what they are heading into! even if the mom is a total bitch i feel that what you feel towards the mother shouldn't affect how you feel towards the kid.

 

As for dads who actually raised the kids for years thinking he was the bio dad just to find out it all was a lie is probably the most cruelest thing a female can do to a man. And I think they have a much harder decision to a certain extent. Yeah you have some fathers who off the bat their family bond is so strong that they just don't care "my kids are my kids blood or not". But for the ones who can't take it like that they have to chose " do I stay with kids who aren't mine but I've grown to love or do I move on since they aren't mine by blood?" And that right their is the hardest choice, plus I feel some dads get stuck with the kids not because they want them but because they feel responsible for they now.

 

I as in your scenario learned our child wasn't mine after raising him for his first year. I loved that child, I no longer loved his cheating, lying, deceptive mother the same way enough to stay with her. I liked the other man, the biological father with rights to his son even less. Even if you adopt her child your still left with the lying cheating wife that will act on an opportunity to bang some other dude if she thinks she can get away with it, even in your own house. She doesn't use protection, your life is at risk.

 

Just about every poster on here has given you the same advice. It is up to you to accept the advice or not. If she is who you want to grow old with go for it, stock up on DNA kits the next time the drugstore has a sale. There are many things scarier than divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one, being married to a woman that won't guarantee you the paternity of your own children is another. You can't just cut the O/M out of the child's life, you need to know his family medical history in case of medical issues that may arise in the child's life. Had you not busted her she would still be banging O/M and you would be raising his child. Sounds like a keeper.

[Itwasntme]

I'm confused. You keep talking about your responsibility to this baby but have you talked to the baby's father yet? You said in a previous post that he said he wants the baby. If this is true how do you fit into this? Are you planning to be there with him/them when the baby is born? If this man is claiming his baby how can you try to claim it also?

No I haven't talked to him yet. So that's true I am getting way ahead of my self but I was just getting into the heat of the moment because of the comments. And he didn't directly tell me he wants it, he told her in a email he hope the kid was his and just from the point he decided to check up on her after we moved made me assume he wants it. But as I've said he doesn't really take care of his other two, and when I say take care I mean he hardly ever spends time with them. Idk if he pays CS (I suspect he does or his baby mama probably wouldn't talk to him still I hope) and if he does I doubt it's a lot. But going off what my friend told me, he hardly ever has the kids and the mom is basically their dad also.

[Itwasntme]

I as in your scenario learned our child wasn't mine after raising him for his first year. I loved that child, I no longer loved his cheating, lying, deceptive mother the same way enough to stay with her. I liked the other man, the biological father with rights to his son even less. Even if you adopt her child your still left with the lying cheating wife that will act on an opportunity to bang some other dude if she thinks she can get away with it, even in your own house. She doesn't use protection, your life is at risk.

 

Just about every poster on here has given you the same advice. It is up to you to accept the advice or not. If she is who you want to grow old with go for it, stock up on DNA kits the next time the drugstore has a sale. There are many things scarier than divorce, sharing your wife with other men is one, being married to a woman that won't guarantee you the paternity of your own children is another. You can't just cut the O/M out of the child's life, you need to know his family medical history in case of medical issues that may arise in the child's life. Had you not busted her she would still be banging O/M and you would be raising his child. Sounds like a keeper.

ok and that's it, right now getting back with her is the last thing on my mind! What I've been debating about is taking care of the kid and raising it as mine.

[Itwasntme]

Itwasntme, the fact that you are even considering raising and being a part of this child's life, speaks to your character as a man, and as a person. Your STBEX wife's affair aside, this unborn child had no say in the circumstances that led to it's creation. If you as a man can find the compassion to be a father and provider to this child, then don't let people make you feel less than a man for doing so.

 

This does not mean that you have to get back with your STBEX wife, but even if you did choose to reconcile with her, don't let the opinions of others sway your decision. While she committed the ultimate betrayal of you and the marriage, if you decide she's worth redemption, then you should not give a rat's sass what others think.

 

What you end up deciding in regards to remaining a part of this child's life, could be the difference between him going on to having a great life someday or turning out to lead a very tough life.

 

The only point I'm trying to get across to you in my post is, that you shouldn't feel ashamed for remaining part of this child's life.

Thank you! And I won't because even though they have gave me advice, at the end they all mostly said the same thing and that is it's my choice at the end of the day stupid or not. So no matter what choice I make "to stay or not" I won't let others make me feel bad about it.

[Bufo]

Long time,lurker, but first time poster.

 

Number one: see an attorney to learn your rights and responsibilities if you want to be the father or if you don't.

 

Number two: see an attorney to learn OM's rights and responsibilities if he wants involvement or doesn't.

 

Number three: if I missed this I am sorry but how do you know who the father is other than WW telling you? Your paternity test involve him, too? If not all you know is what she is telling you and to be frank she is a demonstrated liar.

Don't make your plans based solely on what she has told you.

 

Number four: ask the attorney about signing/not signing the birth certificate.

And how long you have to act before your state's laws make that decision for you. Each state has its own laws. Minemabolished the old rule prohibiting a husband from claiming the wife's child is not his about 35 years ago. But you don't have 18 years to decide. Knowledge is power.

 

Number five: can you have a happy marriage going forward when you will see every day proof of your WW's affair? If I may add number 3 1/2: how do you know this is her only affair?

 

I know you are on the horns of a dilemma, but your actions,and decisions now will rule,your life for years to come. You should put your own long term interests above the immediate concerns of how your acts will affect WW.

[singer23]

It would be much harder if the kid was in your life for a few years and then she decides to remove him from you permanently. Let say she gets back with the bio father. Now he shares the custody with the two of you.

 

Or you don't get back with her.. So what do you do with the kid ? Would your new SO be understanding on why you care so much about a kid that your ex had with another guy ? Imagine you are talking the same about some other guy.. Wouldn't you think it is weird if your SO did the same ?

 

 

The kid will take a few years to get a sense of what is happening around him. The uncertainty of your situation can mess him up. If you leave, make the decision before he can notice what is happening around him.

Edited August 16, 2015 by singer23

[singer23]

And do you know how she met her OM ?

[Itwasntme]

-are the divorce papers signed?

-did she get her attorney?

-will she be comeback to your place?

 

-cause yeah best to keep any eye on her til the divorce is final.

 

she's 7mos right now her due date is probably November?

 

is 3 mos enough for amicable D?

- she has no money so I'll have to pay for her attorney.

- if God says the same no. She still have clothes and other stuff here but I'm going to hire a moving people to get it to her.

 

-should be October 28 if nothing happens.

 

- yeah of course

[Itwasntme]

It would be much harder if the kid was in your life for a few years and then she decides to remove him from you permanently. Let say she gets back with the bio father. Now he shares the custody with the two of you.

 

Or you don't get back with her.. So what do you do with the kid ? Would your new SO be understanding on why you care so much about a kid that your ex had with another guy ? Imagine you are talking the same about some other guy.. Wouldn't you think it is weird if your SO did the same ?

 

 

The kid will take a few years to get a sense of what is happening around him. The uncertainty of your situation can mess him up. If you leave, make the decision before he can notice what is happening around him.

You have great points that I didn't think about. But if I made the choice to take care of him, my SO doesn't have to understand but does have to be supportive. And same thing for me I probably wouldn't understand why she would do that but I'll accept it none the less.

 

And thank you singer you're right I'll keep that in mind. But she more then likely met him at my BF house

[aliveagain]

ok and that's it, right now getting back with her is the last thing on my mind! What I've been debating about is taking care of the kid and raising it as mine.

 

I think you will spend a lot of money in Court just to find out your wife and O/M have more rights to the child than you do. Please don't take this the wrong way but why do you want to raise the child of the guy that helped destroy your marriage? Why don't you just find a woman that loves you and have your own child, one conceived in love? What is it that you are you trying to prove by handicapping yourself with their problem? Who is going to watch him/her while your at work. Are you going to involve your family, they don't deserve this extra responsibility. If this is about you having a baby why not have one without all these complications? You need to step back and look at how this will affect the rest of your life.

[singer23]

Did your BF know of her affair too or was it just his wife ? Affairs can be weird things. Don't judge his SO too hard as people react differently when they find out about their friends having affairs. People hate to be the bearer of bad news or get themselves involved in situations like this. Unless she actively encouraged your wife's affair, she did not do you any wrong.

 

Also, how did you not notice when she cut your wife out ? Did you not think it was odd ?