It's not mine

[OldRover]

You really have some serious decisions and thinking to get through, and I'm sure many of us hear support you.

 

Your caring attitude for both your cheating W and the baby are commendable, and what ever you chose to do in the future you will get my support. However, you'll also get opinions (from me and others). Obviously others that have gone thru similar will have more value.

 

I've not come close to any situation like this so my comments are only from where I see, but I can see some serious challenges on raising this child by yourself. It will more that just change your life. I comment you for your efforts, but even after raising a child in a normal loving relationship, that turned out great, I couldn't imagine doing it under your circumstances....

 

However, best, to whatever you choose.

[Itwasntme]

I think you will spend a lot of money in Court just to find out your wife and O/M have more rights to the child than you do. Please don't take this the wrong way but why do you want to raise the child of the guy that helped destroy your marriage? Why don't you just find a woman that loves you and have your own child, one conceived in love? What is it that you are you trying to prove by handicapping yourself with their problem? Who is going to watch him/her while your at work. Are you going to involve your family, they don't deserve this extra responsibility. If this is about you having a baby why not have one without all these complications? You need to step back and look at how this will affect the rest of your life.

i won't take it the wrong way I do understand that you're just trying to help and see when people come at me with this type of logic I have no choice but to step back and think about it. it's when people only argument is "you will suffer because it's not your responsibility" that Or "why should you care they have nothing to do with you now, you're just being a KISA" is when I feel the urge to argue back.

 

You're right though i didn't think about who would watch him when I had him and had to work or about involving my family(who I still haven't told).

[aliveagain]

i won't take it the wrong way I do understand that you're just trying to help and see when people come at me with this type of logic I have no choice but to step back and think about it. it's when people only argument is "you will suffer because it's not your responsibility" that Or "why should you care they have nothing to do with you now, you're just being a KISA" is when I feel the urge to argue back.

 

You're right though i didn't think about who would watch him when I had him and had to work or about involving my family(who I still haven't told).

 

You need to tell your family, they will only give you advice that they think is best for you. You need to get rid of the friends that helped create this situation. Had they told you about your wife's infidelity early on you probably wouldn't be dealing with an affair child situation(just looking at the length of the affair and when you moved and comparing it with the due date). By choosing to protect their O/M friend they seriously betrayed you, no, these are no friends of yours.

[Itwasntme]

I think you will spend a lot of money in Court just to find out your wife and O/M have more rights to the child than you do. Please don't take this the wrong way but why do you want to raise the child of the guy that helped destroy your marriage? Why don't you just find a woman that loves you and have your own child, one conceived in love? What is it that you are you trying to prove by handicapping yourself with their problem? Who is going to watch him/her while your at work. Are you going to involve your family, they don't deserve this extra responsibility. If this is about you having a baby why not have one without all these complications? You need to step back and look at how this will affect the rest of your life.

 

Did your BF know of her affair too or was it just his wife ? Affairs can be weird things. Don't judge his SO too hard as people react differently when they find out about their friends having affairs. People hate to be the bearer of bad news or get themselves involved in situations like this. Unless she actively encouraged your wife's affair, she did not do you any wrong.

 

Also, how did you not notice when she cut your wife out ? Did you not think it was odd ?

No I don't think he knew but then again why wouldn't his wife tell him? So idk I'll have to bring it up next time we talk And I don't really blame her for not telling me because that is something hard to do definitely considering we barely talk to each.

 

It's one of those things I really didn't think about it, even tho I've known my BF for a long time(since elementary) me and his wife have never really gotten around to being friends. plus I don't pay to much attention to my friends wives for safe reason. So my wife would still be going out with her other friends and talking on the phone to them, also my BF never mentioned anything about their break up so to me I've thought they where still friends all along. And they weren't BF, maybe good friends but not best friends so she would rarely bring her up to me unless it had some to do with dae.

[Itwasntme]

You need to tell your family, they will only give you advice that they think is best for you. You need to get rid of the friends that helped create this situation. Had they told you about your wife's infidelity early on you probably wouldn't be dealing with an affair child situation(just looking at the length of the affair and when you moved and comparing it with the due date). By choosing to protect their O/M friend they seriously betrayed you, no, these are no friends of yours.

Yeah I know I'm going to have to tell at least my mother and she's going to be so hurt.

 

Yeah I know but I have to see if my BF knew. Because if it was only his wife then I can kinda understand.

[Itwasntme]

You really have some serious decisions and thinking to get through, and I'm sure many of us hear support you.

 

Your caring attitude for both your cheating W and the baby are commendable, and what ever you chose to do in the future you will get my support. However, you'll also get opinions (from me and others). Obviously others that have gone thru similar will have more value.

 

I've not come close to any situation like this so my comments are only from where I see, but I can see some serious challenges on raising this child by yourself. It will more that just change your life. I comment you for your efforts, but even after raising a child in a normal loving relationship, that turned out great, I couldn't imagine doing it under your circumstances....

 

However, best, to whatever you choose.

Thank you very much old rover I appreciate your support.

[World's.Edge]

If your wife cheats on you, falls pregnant and the child is yours: Maybe you try to work it out.

 

If your wife cheats on you, falls pregnant and the child is not yours: I say divorce, spare yourself the pain and heartache

 

If your wife cheats on you spectacularly (months-long affair, threesomes), falls pregnant, only ends the affair because she fell pregnant, the child is not yours and she intends to deceive you of the paternity: ABSOLUTELY DIVORCE + NO CONTACT

 

 

As for dads who actually raised the kids for years thinking he was the bio dad just to find out it all was a lie is probably the most cruelest thing a female can do to a man.

This would have been you if you hadn't suspected her and had the prenatal paternity test done.

 

Yes we have the paternity thing but a big difference is I already know and they didn't.

Again, the only reason you know is due to your actions and your initiative.

 

This is a lot for anyone to have to deal with. Take time to really focus on yourself and your mental, emotional and physical health.

 

Take all the legal steps required to ensure that you are not responsible for the child and his care, and to end the marriage. Avoid all non essential conatct with your wife and do not see or talk to her for the next few months. Proceed with divorce and maintain no contact with your soon-to-be-ex-wife.

 

You need to distance yourself from everything that is going on in order to sort out your feelings and gain a better perspective from which to make your decisions.

 

It doesn't help you to think and take on everything at the moment. Simplify your life right now so that you have room to breathe and think.

[HurtOfGlass]

In this group, there are a lot of people who have endured the pain of being betrayed. So what they are saying is learned wisdom. You don't just discredit it like how Itwasntme is doing.

 

From what he has said so far, he is trying to p*ss people of here. (Like questioning NoLimit why she dislike cheaters so much). He has struck a chord here. And he is using the classic verbal technique of p*ssing people - WHATEVER YOU SAY, I WILL SAY THE OPPOSITE.

 

People trying to advise him, its useless. He will just say the opposite.

 

Don't waste your pearls on the OP.

 

K bye.

[Itwasntme]

In this group, there are a lot of people who have endured the pain of being betrayed. So what they are saying is learned wisdom. You don't just discredit it like how Itwasntme is doing.

 

From what he has said so far, he is trying to p*ss people of here. (Like questioning NoLimit why she dislike cheaters so much). He has struck a chord here. And he is using the classic verbal technique of p*ssing people - WHATEVER YOU SAY, I WILL SAY THE OPPOSITE

 

People trying to advise him, its useless. He will just say the opposite.

 

Don't waste your pearls on the OP.

 

K bye.

Who have I tried to discredit? I never just told anyone your personal story doesn't matter and have took them into consideration . and as for no limit I was asking out of pure curiosity why she hated cheaters. If she had told me " oh no I've never been cheated on or never witnessed it first hand, I just have a strong dislike for cheaters" I would of said " cool" it's not like I was trying to use that for a argument or anything. So I'm sorry to no limit if that offended her.

 

Oh as for the you say one thing and I'll say the opposite. Are you saying that just because I was thinking about adopting the kid? If that's the case then I'm sorry me and your view point just doesn't match up on that situation, but it's not to piss you off it's just some I feel strongly about and if you think it's dumb then that's your own entitled opinion.

[lollipopspot]

In this group, there are a lot of people who have endured the pain of being betrayed. So what they are saying is learned wisdom. You don't just discredit it like how Itwasntme is doing.

 

He doesn't have to agree with everything. I've been cheated on and left too. Unlike some others, I don't find it the worst thing to have happened to me, nor do I think my ex is a terrible person. I came to accept that it was time for the relationship in that form to end, regardless of how it happened. I actually ended up being very good friends with my ex, after the dust settled.

Edited August 16, 2015 by lollipopspot

[sandylee1]

i might not show it in what I've been writing, but I honestly do appreciate your opinion sandylee and everyone else........

 

Your welcome .

 

Whatever you decide is entirely your decision.

 

My point with the man who discovered the son wasn't his at the hospital is that it could HAVE BEEN YOU. I know you know he isn't your child, but your wife was prepared to deceive you. Furthermore, it's not down to her confessing that you know the truth. Even trying to convince you while waiting for the results.

 

Your poor mum thinking she was going to be a grandmother......that really would make me mad, if my brother continued to have any dealings with her after our poor mom was equally deceived.

 

I guess that's why we're all different and you are very unique in this regard. Some women consider a ONS (one night stand) a dealbreaker, yet others have taken their husbands back after he's had over 200 other women during their marriage.

 

You're too nice for your own good and sometimes nice people are taken advantage of.

 

I'm struggling to understand why you'd want anything to do with a woman who did this to you..........Having involvement with the baby is having involvement with her. You can't seperate the two.

 

At the end of the day it's your perogative to do as you wish. I've seen the real life damage of this stuff and it's really ugly, although the men I know didn't find out till years later.

 

In the meantime do take care of yourself. I know this is so devastating and I'm sure you wake up thinking it's a nightmare, then realise it's your life.

 

Remember to stay hydrated and eat.

[underpants]

Ugh, what a nightmare.

 

Dude, you need some time and distance to clear your emotions and see some harsh realities.

 

I have seen some 'women' that take serious advantage of 'nice guys' and it is stomach turning. Some 'men' do this too. Now when some of these victims just stay and put up with it, well, my sympathies can only go so far until I feel like I'm enabling a bad situation, so the distancing from unhealthy is a natural response. In my experience.

 

I think you have been conned, and that stinks, but you do have the knowledge now to begin to make smart choices for yourself. My hope is that you do and not cater to 'users' who have shown you what they are capable of.

 

The good news is that you have this experience at a young age. You can recover and bounce if you so choose to do so. I'm sure you are hurting, but that hurt is finite and the gift of time and distance (even if you have to fake it to make it) will give you a unique wisdom and perspective as you navigate a healthier path for yourself.

 

I can understand not wanting to go scorched earth on a pregnant woman, I can understand wanting to get her to delivery as the role of protector (of a child you thought was yours) is not easy to just switch off.

 

I do not understand your consideration of adopting this child. Perhaps this is the bargaining stage of grief?

 

I may be wrong, and please ask an attorney if you are seriously contemplating such a thing.

 

To adopt this child would'nt the father have to waive his parental rights? He could very well refuse, or want money to do so, or show up at any time over the years, sue you, or just cause trouble. Too many variables and years to predict what would happen there.

 

You say you want to divorce. I think this is wise. If you want to care for this child you can do so without becoming legally entangled.

 

Your wife could decide to try with the father for a while or a few years from now, over the years she could decide to move on with someone else and cut you out of her life. Again there are too many variables and to much future to predict.

 

What I do read is that you are a safe provider, and that is sexy as hell to a lot of women. She is loosing her taken for granted lifestyle and when faced with that becoming a reality for her you may see some sides of her personality that will make this chapter of your life one for which you will be thankful is coming to a close.

 

This child is not yours, that is a good thing.

 

Talk to your Mom. I wouldn't want to be there for soon to be ex wife's deliver, but I may want an advocate there on my behalf to ensure your name is not put on the birth certificate.

 

Good luck. You have literally dodged a bullet. Don't hand her back the gun for a second try.

Edited August 16, 2015 by underpants

[stillafool]

No I haven't talked to him yet. So that's true I am getting way ahead of my self but I was just getting into the heat of the moment because of the comments. And he didn't directly tell me he wants it, he told her in a email he hope the kid was his and just from the point he decided to check up on her after we moved made me assume he wants it. But as I've said he doesn't really take care of his other two, and when I say take care I mean he hardly ever spends time with them. Idk if he pays CS (I suspect he does or his baby mama probably wouldn't talk to him still I hope) and if he does I doubt it's a lot. But going off what my friend told me, he hardly ever has the kids and the mom is basically their dad also.

 

Just because he doesn't spend alot of time with his present children does not mean he doesn't claim them as his own. You really need to know where this guy stands as related to his baby before you start thinking about adoption. This is quite a mess your wife has made and it's a shame you are the one who has to pay for it.

[underpants]

...and don't sleep before and especially after the baby comes, or you may find yourself the father for round 2 of 'getting what I lost back'.

[whatatangledweb]

My husband's cousin went through this. His fiance had their baby. He got her cheating and ended it. He's daughter was three at the time. His mother went to court for grandparents rights to be able to see her. The court made them do a DNA test. It wasn't his. He was heartbroken. Now she won't let him see her unless he gives her money each time and though he was listed as her father on her birth cert. he has no rights to visitation. It kills him to not see her and his ex won't agree to a set cs for visitation.

 

So he doesn't have to pay cs but he wants that child in his life because he loves her.

 

Do what you feel is best for you. Taking care of your ex while she is pregnant is a honorable thing to do.

[sandylee1]

In this group, there are a lot of people who have endured the pain of being betrayed. So what they are saying is learned wisdom. You don't just discredit it like how Itwasntme is doing.

 

From what he has said so far, he is trying to p*ss people of here. (Like questioning NoLimit why she dislike cheaters so much). He has struck a chord here. And he is using the classic verbal technique of p*ssing people - WHATEVER YOU SAY, I WILL SAY THE OPPOSITE.

 

People trying to advise him, its useless. He will just say the opposite.

 

Don't waste your pearls on the OP.

 

K bye.

 

I disagree with this. He's just trying to get his point across, not piss people off.

 

We mostly disagree with his thinking, but he isn't discrediting anyone.

[No Limit]

I've been meaning to ask you why do you hate cheaters so much no limit? Idk why but your earlier post about selling the house stuck out and so I clicked on your profile to read some of your other post. I have to say I agree with sandylee, a lot of your post seemed harsh and real to me and then I noticed you're 19.

 

I'm not trying to criticize you or anything (what you said in your latest post made sense and has me thinking) but I was just wondering why did you hate the idea of cheaters so much? Was it because your dad betrayed your family and you can't forgive him for it (or might do) or was it a ex boyfriend you loved slept around?

 

I'm a headstrong one and I guess it influences my posts. It's not so much about hating on cheaters, but trying to protect those who deserve so much better when they've done so much only to have it smacked in their face. There are real good people out there who would love to have a faithful and supportive spouse, yet many are further manipulated into giving and investing their time and energy into a person who is already drawing escape plans.

 

Nah, my father is actually very, very rarely on my mind (if you want numbers, maybe 2 times in every 5 years, maybe less) and I've never been in a romantic relationship so far, but I've experienced betrayal (outside of family) and somehow got out of the mess others were trying to put me in all by myself by a mixture of inner strength & discipline and kicking them out of my life. But prior to that stage was acceptance of what certain persons have become - or rather, have never been, and I guess you're not that far just yet. That is okay, but I don't think it would be good if you never got to the point, hence my posts - they're more directed to the future. It's still fresh in you, but in time the head movies will come and the emotional rollercoaster and other mental torture - and staying in touch and others meddling in your mind for their own benefit are eager to make it worse.

Edited August 16, 2015 by No Limit

[Itwasntme]

I'm a headstrong one and I guess it influences my posts. It's not so much about hating on cheaters, but trying to protect those who deserve so much better when they've done so much only to have it smacked in their face. There are real good people out there who would love to have a faithful and supportive spouse, yet many are further manipulated into giving and investing their time and energy into a person who is already drawing escape plans.

 

Nah, my father is actually very, very rarely on my mind (if you want numbers, maybe 2 times in every 5 years, maybe less) and I've never been in a romantic relationship so far, but I've experienced betrayal (outside of family) and somehow got out of the mess others were trying to put me in all by myself by a mixture of inner strength & discipline and kicking them out of my life. But prior to that stage was acceptance of what certain persons have become - or rather, have never been, and I guess you're not that far just yet. That is okay, but I don't think it would be good if you never got to the point, hence my posts - they're more directed to the future. It's still fresh in you, but in time the head movies will come and the emotional rollercoaster and other mental torture - and staying in touch and others meddling in your mind for their own benefit are eager to make it worse.

thank you for telling me and just in case, I'm sorry if I offended you by asking. But i can tell you're a very honest person and I think that's a great quality for a person to have.

[m.snow]

you can continue w/ minimal contact

divorce paper was signed nothing more to lose

 

talk to her parents; what did they say?

 

give only support but don't go above and beyond.

 

best to be seen by in-laws as the more decent person. a little financial here and there if possible.

 

to remind her for as long as she has breath, that after all of this crap thrown at you. You were (are) the decent and better person.

 

at least you will leave that lasting memory... ... that will continue haunt her.

[autumnnight]

yes, an OC is the other child, a child born from an affair. an illegitimate child, love child, fruit of adultery,child born without benefit of clergy, nullius filius, bastard.

__________________

 

Wow....so now the baby is evil too.....

[m.snow]

Wow....so now the baby is evil too.....

 

googled description- nothing about that says baby is evil.

 

someone was asking what OC-other child meant.

Edited August 17, 2015 by m.snow

[road]

Wow....so now the baby is evil too.....

 

Where is the word evil used in the post that you quoted?

[Itwasntme]

you can continue w/ minimal contact

divorce paper was signed nothing more to lose

 

talk to her parents; what did they say?

 

give only support but don't go above and beyond.

 

best to be seen by in-laws as the more decent person. a little financial here and there if possible.

 

to remind her for as long as she has breath, that after all of this crap thrown at you. You were (are) the decent and better person.

 

at least you will leave that lasting memory... ... that will continue haunt her.

Yep that's the plan:)

 

For the in laws I always planned to stay on their good side and have them love me so even if she did get a new man I would always be the standard for them. But naw last time we talked it was when I asked could she come home. I let them know that me and her relationship problems in no way affected how I felt about them and they could call me up anytime they needed help and I'll do as much as in my means as possible to help. I swear the dad was crying or holding it back at least and apologize again for his daughter and told me I could give them a call or a visit any time as I would always be their son in law. So yeah that relationship is still good for now.

[autumnnight]

googled description- nothing about that says baby is evil.

 

someone was asking what OC-other child meant.

 

Didn't realise OC was another word for bastard.

[m.snow]

Didn't realise OC was another word for bastard.

 

its archaic word and is now widely considered a derogatory. sorry about that! just copy pasted from google.

 

sorry about that.