It's not mine

[road]

its archaic word and is now widely considered a derogatory. sorry about that! just copy pasted from google.

 

sorry about that.

 

Bastard is not archaic. It just is a crude way of saying the child is illegitimate. Though in these PC times even illegitimate has been replaced on the forums with OC.

 

 

It points out that the child was conceived out of wedlock. Meaning the man and women were not married to each other at the time of conception.

 

 

Until 1926 in England B's, ill's, OC's had no right of inheritance.

 

 

Anyway those terms were used to describe what the parents did. The OC did nothing wrong.

 

 

One thing I have to point out to the equality to the Feminazi's was that both females and males could be bastards.

Edited August 17, 2015 by road

[autumnnight]

Dear Road:

 

Thanks for that history lesson.

 

Sincerely,

a bastard

 

What you call PC I call emotional intelligence

[road]

Dear Road:

 

Thanks for that history lesson.

 

Sincerely,

a bastard

 

What you call PC I call emotional intelligence

 

 

Even though we have disagreed many times I would not call you that. You should not call yourself that.

[OldRover]

I disagree with this. He's just trying to get his point across, not piss people off.

 

We mostly disagree with his thinking, but he isn't discrediting anyone.

 

Good point Sandylee,

 

While the majority may not see why the OP is doing what he's doing, I'm sure he is digesting the information and trying to make intelligent choices as to what is best. Bottom line, it's HIS choice.

 

HurtofGlass was out of line with that post, and glad to see him gone. We done need attacks here and I don't see the OP pissing anyone off.

[JS84]

Is this for real? Why would you consider adopting the unborn child of some other man, who sounds like a complete scumbag, who was ****ing your wife behind your back? A child who hasn't even been born yet, you don't know, and at this point have absolutely no connection with. And you're only 28????????

 

I reiterate what I said, you need to man up and walk away from this train wreck. Especially at your age. You have so much time to find someone else and start your own family the right way. Not this Jerry Springer episode you sound so willing to jump into eyes wide shut when you currently have no children yourself and aren't even 30 yet.

 

This goes past being a Knight In Shining Armor. You're in Captain Save a Ho territory. That child is not your responsibility. That's it. I have no idea what you're trying to hold onto. Your girl, an unborn child who isn't yours, or what. I'm honestly surprised this thread is still going on for as long as it has.

 

Dude, seriously. Don't **** your life up over some misguided notion that this kid is your responsibility or that adopting him is going to somehow magically make everything okay for the baby. Let his BIOLOGICAL parents and his BIOLOGICAL family take care of their BIOLOGICAL baby.

 

You got burned. It sucks, but that doesn't mean you have to be so willing to keep rolling around in the fire.

Edited August 17, 2015 by JS84

[Itwasntme]

Update: so let's see I told my mother last night and she cried(I cried a little too). But honestly she took it better then I expected , she just told me I was doing the right thing leaving my ex but she would support any choice I made, but felt leaving was in my best interest. I had her promise not to tell my other family members especially my dad and she promised so I don't have to worry about them. I wanted to thank who ever recommend no more Mr nice guy, I feel as if the author knew me personally! I hate conflict and tried to avoid it, I don't want to be like my alcoholic father, im passive Aggressive, and I feel I do give people stuff for attention or praise of sorts. So now I'm really starting to notice some problems in me that I never really thought about.

 

Besides that I may not update for a while as I'm about to start work again and will probably do overtime to avoid coming home. But I'll still Check on here every now and again and let you all know if some important happen or some big change.

but I really do want to thank everyone for their support and advice given to me.

 

Ps. Sorry if It's to messes I'm on my phone

[Chi townD]

Wow! Tough call dude.

 

 

Guys in your situation are weird. Some can look past the betrayal and become really great fathers to those kids. But, some don't. They find it hard to try and bond with these kids because they are a constant reminder of the betrayal that was done to them. And that's not fair to you and certainly not fair to the kid that is completely innocent in all of this.

 

 

What also might not be good in this situation is that it sounds like the OM wants to be involved in this kids life. Like it or not, the courts are recognizing fathers rights more and more. If he gets involved in this kids life, then he's going to be involved in YOUR and your wife's life for the rest of that kids life. Plus, this guy will have a bond with your wife that you don't have. They are the parents, your not.

 

 

Sorry dude, you got a lot of soul searching to do.

[elaine567]

Update: so let's see I told my mother last night and she cried(I cried a little too). But honestly she took it better then I expected , she just told me I was doing the right thing leaving my ex but she would support any choice I made, but felt leaving was in my best interest. I had her promise not to tell my other family members especially my dad and she promised so I don't have to worry about them.

 

I haven't read the whole thread so I do not know if someone else mentioned this, but men who leave their wife while she is pregnant and vulnerable, can get a very hard time from other people.

You may want to to tell more people the real reason you are leaving her, as the last thing you want, is to be seen as a nasty rotter by your family and friends and especially your Dad.

[mrnevi]

you wont be able to deny the bond that child his mother and father.

 

well unless its been a couple of years and he has complete ignored her.

 

but hat doesn't mean your bond with the mother is totally gone.

 

you can always go to her if you want. and no one has any say on that.

 

you divorced anyway. relationship no strings attach for a few years maybe.

 

he is still on her good side.

[Clay]

I think you should just softly close that door. Don't look back. Nothing good can come from being with someone that had and probably still does have thoughts of using people like this. I am sorry just doesn't hold the weight of her hiding who the father of the child was to get you to pay for her and the child. I know its hard but there are far better women out there.

 

I can't even imagine your pain but I don't think anything good will come from you trying to maintain some part of her life or the baby's life.

 

C

[m.snow]

I haven't read the whole thread so I do not know if someone else mentioned this, but men who leave their wife while she is pregnant and vulnerable, can get a very hard time from other people.

You may want to to tell more people the real reason you are leaving her, as the last thing you want, is to be seen as a nasty rotter by your family and friends and especially your Dad.

 

great call, this one!

 

op did say he will provide some financial support.

he had already contacted her parents.

i suggest that he take her back for know.

the divorce is being finalized anyway.

if she is close by and far from om he can watch her more closely

being at the delivery also assures him that his name wont be on the birth certificate.

i guess buy a round trip ticket? get your wife back with you in your house.

rationale: 1.prevent her from somehow scheming 2.you'd look better in people's eyes 3.keep an eye on her actions & plans

 

-as they say keep your friends close & your enemies closer!

Edited August 17, 2015 by m.snow

[sandylee1]

 

I wanted to thank who ever recommend no more Mr nice guy, I feel as if the author knew me personally!

 

Your welcome in regards to no more Mr nice guy.

 

I just hope your dad doesn't find out that your mom knew and it causes a problem between them.

 

Can I ask if the reason you don't want him to know, is because you think you are not strong enough to walk away from it all?

[Itwasntme]

Your welcome in regards to no more Mr nice guy.

 

I just hope your dad doesn't find out that your mom knew and it causes a problem between them.

 

Can I ask if the reason you don't want him to know, is because you think you are not strong enough to walk away from it all?

I don't want to go into too deep of details about him because it would paint him as a demon when I don't necessarily see him that way but what can I say? Point blank he's a insensitive alpha male type man. And he tends to throw mistakes or hurtful moments back in your face when he's drunk or mad. So when it comes to emotional things my family tends to avoid him.

 

And I don't have to worry about it causing them problems they have been separated for over 12 years now, So that marriage is dead.

[sandylee1]

I don't want to go into too deep of details about him because it would paint him as a demon when I don't necessarily see him that way but what can I say? Point blank he's a insensitive alpha male type man. And he tends to throw mistakes or hurtful moments back in your face when he's drunk or mad. So when it comes to emotional things my family tends to avoid him.

 

And I don't have to worry about it causing them problems they have been separated for over 12 years now, So that marriage is dead.

 

Oh, in that case as they're not together, no problem with that.

 

I just can't imagine how difficult it will be to have to explain the reason for the divorce and why you don't have some custody of the son they think is yours.

 

How are you bearing up anyway?

[Itwasntme]

Oh, in that case as they're not together, no problem with that.

 

I just can't imagine how difficult it will be to have to explain the reason for the divorce and why you don't have some custody of the son they think is yours.

 

How are you bearing up anyway?

Hmm my mood has been pretty consistent for the most part if I say so myself. I do sometimes catch myself getting angry, or sad, maybe feeling lonely but I keep those emotions in Check a lot of the time definitely around other people. But I did find out my BF didn't know about the affair and had a big fight with his wife about the whole thing. But outside of him, I think my other friends are starting to notice that something big has happened with her being back in SA and me down here but they really haven't brought it up in conversation, just usually say they are calling to check on me. But besides that I'm holding up and thanks for asking:)

 

And as for telling my family about the reason behind the divorce and custody things. Of course it will be hard and some I more then Likely can't avoid but I will put it off until the very last moment I will say that.

Edited August 18, 2015 by Itwasntme

[aliveagain]

In time you will come to the same realization I did, get them all out of your life, wife, other man, their child, bf's wife. Your wife is a grown up, she chose her path to O/M, this was planned and executed by the two of them. You weren't supposed to find out so the paternity wouldn't become a factor, she didn't care enough about you to protect your rights to the paternity of your children together. Her life is her consequence, she is no longer your problem, the affair child is her and other man's problem. She will probably have to do the same thing my ex did, take other man to Court for child support.

 

The best thing you can do is be gentle but firm, listen to your lawyer and get all of them out of your life so you don't drag any of this baggage into any future relationship.

[Itwasntme]

In time you will come to the same realization I did, get them all out of your life, wife, other man, their child, bf's wife. Your wife is a grown up, she chose her path to O/M, this was planned and executed by the two of them. You weren't supposed to find out so the paternity wouldn't become a factor, she didn't care enough about you to protect your rights to the paternity of your children together. Her life is her consequence, she is no longer your problem, the affair child is her and other man's problem. She will probably have to do the same thing my ex did, take other man to Court for child support.

 

The best thing you can do is be gentle but firm, listen to your lawyer and get all of them out of your life so you don't drag any of this baggage into any future relationship.

thank you alive again you Have been one of the people here since the beginning. And I'll take the into consideration.

[spanz1]

I doubt she can hurt me legally right? She quit her job to move down here with me and be a SAHW. So I don't think she can hire a better attorney then me, I have proof that The child isn't mine and haven't sign a BC or papers acknowledging I'm the dad. so the court can't hold me liable right?

 

 

im glad to see you finally talked to a lawyer. Get the divorce. You can always get back together LATER ON if you feel a need to. For now, let the chips fall where they may and see the pattern on the floor

Edited August 18, 2015 by spanz1

[m.snow]

just a reminder

pls do go to (ic)individual counseling.

divorce or not.

at least get some professional help!

[cgiles]

I wanted to thank who ever recommend no more Mr nice guy, I feel as if the author knew me personally! I hate conflict and tried to avoid it, I don't want to be like my alcoholic father, im passive Aggressive, and I feel I do give people stuff for attention or praise of sorts. So now I'm really starting to notice some problems in me that I never really thought about.

 

Read it two times, and do the break free exercice the second time.

 

If you have issue to find men for confide or support you, look about support group for men, they don't need to be special "NMMNG". The book has a forum too : No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

 

Then you should read "when I say no, I feel guilty" by Manuel J.Smith, it's a good addon to NMMNG

 

And when you feel ready to date again, read "the married man sex life primer 2011" by Athol Kay. It's not about sex, but relationships.

 

This post is interesting too : I'm having a real hard time dealing with it - Page 32 - Talk About Marriage

[Try]

I haven't read the whole thread so I do not know if someone else mentioned this, but men who leave their wife while she is pregnant and vulnerable, can get a very hard time from other people.

You may want to to tell more people the real reason you are leaving her, as the last thing you want, is to be seen as a nasty rotter by your family and friends and especially your Dad.

I so agree with the above. You must preserve your reputations and tell others the truth as to why you are leaving her and the child, or you will lose many friends and family and not know why. Also, if you do not tell people, forget anyone introducing you to someone that may be a decent future wife for you. There is not shame in telling them. You did nothing wrong, she did.

[spanz1]

NOBODY will fault you if they hear that her baby is not fathered by you. And it sounds like you are dealing with her "professionally" rather than vindictively, so that says a LOT about YOUR character!

[elaine567]

I so agree with the above. You must preserve your reputations and tell others the truth as to why you are leaving her and the child, or you will lose many friends and family and not know why. Also, if you do not tell people, forget anyone introducing you to someone that may be a decent future wife for you. There is not shame in telling them. You did nothing wrong, she did.

 

Agreed, no woman wants to be with a man who apparently simply dumped his pregnant wife.

[SawtoothMars]

And that's what I'm saying, he doesn't love her! He only loves what she can do for him and she fell into his lies.

 

I think you are being incredibly naive in thinking that she didn't know who he was or fell for his "lies". She knew up front he was full of crap. She just didn't care. She believed that she could do whatever she wanted and you would NEVER KNOW.

 

Also... all her excuses for not telling you about the questionable paternity are false. She never intended to tell you... EVER. If somehow it came out in 10 years... she knows that you would just take it like a prison bitch. I hate to say this, but you just have one of those personalities that begs people to take advantage.

 

I'm betting she is shellshocked that you somehow grew testicles and filed divorce! I think once you are through the pain, this experience will teach you how to stand up for yourself and be a better man. Not an insensitive butthole, but a strong man who is to be taken seriously!

 

For some months now. Yeah you say let her parents or OM take care of her needs but the truth is neither can, OM is a bum and I be having to help out her parents myself

 

This should not be your problem. She made her choices. It's not your job to give her a life without consequences... and if you think crying for a few days are consequences, then you are dead wrong.

 

 

I would already know I'm not the bio dad and already would know who the father is. And people keep asking why am I trying to act responsible for a kid that is mine? The thing is I'm not acting responsible, I see responsible or responsibility as something that is your duty to do or something you should do. I don't have to do anything! I choose to do it? Yes because I want too, not because I need too.

 

My first question is... WHY? Why do you want to be involved with this child? Sure it's your choice, but it's much more important to ask why you want this!

 

Are you trying to prove something to her? To yourself? It does't matter to the baby... they will be totally fine without you. In fact, you are standing in the way of the baby being with his real father.

 

Also... I don't think you are the type of guy who can walk away once emotionally invested! You are better off to initiate no contact as soon as possible.

 

I wanted to thank who ever recommend no more Mr nice guy, I feel as if the author knew me personally! I hate conflict and tried to avoid it, I don't want to be like my alcoholic father, im passive Aggressive, and I feel I do give people stuff for attention or praise of sorts. So now I'm really starting to notice some problems in me that I never really thought about.

 

This is probably the BEST thing you have typed since the whole ordeal started.

 

See... you think you are a 6 and your wife is a 9, and you can't ever do better. That kind of thinking is stupid and misses the reality of life.

 

A 9 looking guy who acts like a pussy is actually a 4 to almost every woman. A 6 with a functional spinal column is more like a 8 or 9.

 

I'm not that good looking. I was the Chump/Nice Guy for years and my xWife went out cheating. It made me realize how much of a horrible and disgusting doormat I had been most of my life. That insight has made all the difference in my life. I'm not super attractive, but for years I dated awesome women. Not just good looking, but really quality personalities and successful at life. I eventually married a surgeon, who is smart, loving, and a solid 10 on any scale. I'm saying this from experience. Go no contact as soon as possible, and move forward with you life.

[Itwasntme]

Update:

1.so I'm In SA

2. Have a date with my ex

3. OM said he will sign AOP but won't get involved

4. BF knows everything about the affair now

 

So that's all

Edited August 22, 2015 by Itwasntme