It's not mine

[Itwasntme]

I really wasnt going to comment on this thread, but cmon, after cheating on you, getting pregnant by another guy, booted back home, looking at divorce and the romantic date she chooses for you on your return is a movie date to see "Straight out of Compton"?

 

Dude , cmon.

 

There is nothing to discuss here.

yeah what about it? It was actually a good movie you should go check it out. Now with that said what you have to realize is 1. It wasn't meant to be a romantic date but a apologetic one and she knew that 2. Even if it was suppose to be romantic i would rather go watch that movie then some like the notebook. So that part really didn't matter to me and I actually did enjoy the day

[66Charger]

Thats not surprising. Good luck bro.

[TX-SC]

Damn, now I feel like I need to have my children tested!!! Well, except for the fact that they act and look like me.

 

Those are some damn disturbing numbers if they are correct. What the hell is going on these days? Are people totally incapable of being monogamous? It's almost like we need to do away with marriage all together and go back to the "promiscuous herd" mentality and when women get pregnant they just assume it's ONE OF THE MANY men she screwed and she just raises the kid(s) on her own.

 

Men are just getting totally screwed over right and left with this paternity crap.

 

Anyway, dude you need to just get the hell out of dodge. Don't try to raise this kid as yours or help her in any way. She cheated and got pregnant, now let her and the OM deal with that crap. Go find a good partner that will treat you well. Based on the statistics, you have a 50-75% chance of finding someone who will not cheat. Oh hell, just stop dealing with all the cheating and rely on porn...

[Itwasntme]

Damn, now I feel like I need to have my children tested!!! Well, except for the fact that they act and look like me.

 

Those are some damn disturbing numbers if they are correct. What the hell is going on these days? Are people totally incapable of being monogamous? It's almost like we need to do away with marriage all together and go back to the "promiscuous herd" mentality and when women get pregnant they just assume it's ONE OF THE MANY men she screwed and she just raises the kid(s) on her own.

 

Men are just getting totally screwed over right and left with this paternity crap.

 

Anyway, dude you need to just get the hell out of dodge. Don't try to raise this kid as yours or help her in any way. She cheated and got pregnant, now let her and the OM deal with that crap. Go find a good partner that will treat you well. Based on the statistics, you have a 50-75% chance of finding someone who will not cheat. Oh hell, just stop dealing with all the cheating and rely on porn...

go and do it if you don't trust your wife or ex. And porn doesn't excite me anymore I actually get tired from watching it. So I guess I'm going to be

Celibate for a while and I actually don't mind right now

[sidney2718]

Damn, now I feel like I need to have my children tested!!! Well, except for the fact that they act and look like me.

 

Those are some damn disturbing numbers if they are correct. What the hell is going on these days? Are people totally incapable of being monogamous? It's almost like we need to do away with marriage all together and go back to the "promiscuous herd" mentality and when women get pregnant they just assume it's ONE OF THE MANY men she screwed and she just raises the kid(s) on her own.

.

 

Back in the day when there was no DNA testing and blood tests didn't tell you much, there were plenty of children foisted on unsuspecting fathers. What has changed these days is that now we can know about it.

[Itwasntme]

so is there a nice way to tell all of my friends to mind their own business and don't focus on my problems?

 

So I listened to you all advice about going NC for a while. I sent her message telling that I needed time away with her completely out of my life and if she or her parents needed me for something to contact my mother or lawyer and I'll have them decide if they think it's important enough to tell me about, but it better be the utmost of importance (ex: death, miscarriages etc..) so her reaction was kinda how I predicted her blowing up my phones with text and calls for this whole week. I never pick up or message back out of fear I might get pulled back into her pace and plus that's what NC is all about.

 

Then today hits and I'm off work so I stayed up til 2:00 am playing God of war on PS4(the games are great). But then I get a a call from my friend let's call him (W), and (W) starts asking if I was ok and how was I holding up. Saying cliche **** like if I need someone to talk to he's always there. So at this point I'm super confused and ask what's he's talking about? Apparently my ex has been in a super extra depress mood for this week and my friends noticed. (W), his wife, and a few more of our friends took her out to eat to cheer her up.

 

See I didn't let them know the full extent of our situation to save me from embarrassment because I feel as they will all talk about this behind my back. So back to the dinner, some way or another they got on the subject about our situation. She told them some like she hurt me bad and I've cut all contact off with her. So one of my friends let's say (J) his wife who never really warmed up to me took her chances to start criticizing me like someone said they would. He told me she asked how could I be such a selfish ********* and not worry about a woman pregnant with my kid and said some like maybe I don't need to a daddy or I'm not ready to be! Idk but long story short she was talking ***** and apparently my ex got mad and blurted out that I'm not the dad and she didn't know ***** about what was going on so she had no reason to talk about it.

 

He said it just went silent and nobody really talked after that. He took her home and been thinking to his self how he would bring this up to me, and decided to call hoping I was up. But after I kindly told him I was sticking in there and thanks I call him later he hung up. I then fell asleep and woke up to 30+ messages from friends asking how I'm doing and when I found out and *****. I want to kindly tell them leave it alone but don't know how.

[CarrieT]

and woke up to 30+ messages from friends asking how I'm doing and when I found out and *****. I want to kindly tell them leave it alone but don't know how.

Text them:

 

"I'm doing fine, thanks. My lawyer advised the rest not be discussed while in litigation."

 

 

Leave it at that.

[ch72]

I then fell asleep and woke up to 30+ messages from friends asking how I'm doing and when I found out and *****. I want to kindly tell them leave it alone but don't know how.

 

 

Those are your true friends/family. Like the poster stated above, just say you're doing fine and need some time to work this out and not to worry and keep in touch.

[OldRover]

Text them:

 

"I'm doing fine, thanks. My lawyer advised the rest not be discussed while in litigation."

 

 

Leave it at that.

 

Good point, but I'd not mention litigation. Doing fine is enough. You don't need others opinions on your litigation.

[maaz3231]

not trying to sound mean but Well of course she made a Hugh mistake! Actually a colossal one. She went and cheated on me with someone who not trying to sound boastful but i see myself better then! Ok I admit he is more attractive then me , and that is one thing that I Have always had to deal with. if I had to scale looks I would say I'm about a 6 and half while my wife is a 9 damn near a ten. So I have always felt me and her didn't belong together looks wise and this guy is around a 8 or 9. But besides that I have a great paying job as a pharmacist, drive a nice car(she does too which I bought for her), we live in a nice 3 bedroom house, I'm fit and have no kids(sadly now), I take care of her and got her anything within my means she wanted, help her family out when they needed it and let her be a SAHW. The chump she cheated on me with doesn't have a car, lives on his brother couch, has not one but two kids already ( three if you count ours or hers or whatever), he's 7 years older then her so he's 33, I'm 28, and she's 26. I could go on but now I'm just ranting.

 

And I too am a firm believer in God does everything for a reason but this one right here I just can't see the reason idk how this will ever be helpful to me.

 

As for if the OM wants to be in the baby life idk. He said in a email that he wants it to be his but then at the same time he has two kids he barely takes care. So idk what he plans to do yet, but I'm telling you know I won't tolerate it and wouldn't be able to handle my kid calling another man daddy.

 

Since you don't have any children with her, my opinion would be to just walk away and divorce. You'll never trust her and the child will always remind you of what she did. I can't see this being a healthy relationship for any of the parties involved, to include the child, if you stay.

[ShatteredLady]

I know it's embarrassing & feels like airing your dirty laundry (that's how I'd feel) but that's what friends do. They care about you. They're shocked & then they think "How would I feel?", then they realize tht ouve been going through this nightmare alone & they need to reach out to you. Don't let this make you think the worst of people. Most people are kind & compassionate. If you don't want to talk just message back how much it means to you that they're thinking of you but you need to be alone to process this at the moment. Be HONEST! Lies & half truths don't help in ANY situation. They're your friends.

[salparadise]

I then fell asleep and woke up to 30+ messages from friends asking how I'm doing and when I found out and *****. I want to kindly tell them leave it alone but don't know how.

 

It's going to be a hot topic for awhile and there's nothing you can do about that. Understand that they are offering their support the only way they know how. Tell them you're doing ok and you appreciate their concern but you're just not ready to talk about it yet. Don't alienate your friends, show appreciation.

[JS84]

There was no way that everything that has happened with you two was going to stay a secret. At least not for very long. If people think she's carrying your child and all of the sudden you two aren't together anymore 2 months before the birth, they were going to ask questions and eventually it was going to come out.

[poofitsgone]

I'm sorry for what your going through OP.

 

You need to keep in mind that your wife is not the person you thought he was. She's been lieing to you for months, you need to assume she still is unless you know for a fact otherwise. She had wild, crazy unproteted sex with another man in your house, but she really drew the line at your bed?

 

By her own admittance, this is a person who was married for less than a year before she started having uninhibited sex with a new guy because he gave her some compliments. She did things she would never do with you and let your parents sleep in the bed she did them in. How sure are you that this OM was the only one?

 

When she first found out she was pregnant she could have taken the dna test herself with the OM if she wasn't sure whos it was. She didn't. She lied to straight to your face, straight to your Mothers face and was willing to go on either not knowing or not caring and and let you raise it

 

And she never told you about the affair. She was caught. Then she still lied and withheld. And probably still is. This woman needs to do ALOT of self improvment and introspection before she can have healthy relationships. And if you involve yourself with this child that the she tricked you into growing attached to, you will have to be involved with her life too. Keep that in mind.

 

 

What you end up deciding in regards to remaining a part of this child's life, could be the difference between him going on to having a great life someday or turning out to lead a very tough life.

 

The only point I'm trying to get across to you in my post is, that you shouldn't feel ashamed for remaining part of this child's life.

 

I agree he shouldn't feel ashamed. However, the mother use to have a good job and could get one again. The grandparents are still there to help. The other man says he wants to be apart of the childs life. Hell, the baby already has siblings.

Obviously its up to him, but if he wants to adopt a child there are thousands and thousands of children more needy than this one. And hes still young enough to wait a few years to heal, find a better woman and have his own biological children if he wants. I hope you keep this in mind OP.

 

 

edit: I see that I didn't read far enough and this isn't necessarily relevant anymore. I would also advise seeing a therapist or councilor at least to get some stuff ff your chest. They're trained in these things and it helps to have someone you can have a full conversation in person with and not have to worry about how they'll see you

Edited September 3, 2015 by poofitsgone
missed some of the thread

[firemanq]

My girlfriend told me she was pregnant, and we needed to get married. I stepped up and did what was expected of me and we got married. Then I started to count on my fingers the time frame. The doubts began. Turns out, my doubts were right on, she lied to me. She and her mother came up with a scheme to trap me. When she moved out, with the children , she still would not admit she lied to me, and to everyone else. It was years before my oldest daughter told me that her mother finally admitted to the lies. I have a have a great relationship with my oldest daughter and my third daughter. I have no relationship with the 2nd girl and the last child, a boy. So not only did I get screwed out of 2 children, those 2 got screwed out of a father. And my parents got screwed out of a relationship with all 4 children, as did my sister and her family. The lying bitch and her mother, still do not accept any responsibility in the lies.

 

 

My advice, cut your losses. If you want, keep a relationship with the child. But if you cannot be a father to the child, and be a continuing part of the child's life, let the child go. It will be better for the child to not know you, than for the child to go through the heartache and the self-doubts involved with your disappearance at a later time. I know, I have been on both ends of that situation.

[Itwasntme]

My girlfriend told me she was pregnant, and we needed to get married. I stepped up and did what was expected of me and we got married. Then I started to count on my fingers the time frame. The doubts began. Turns out, my doubts were right on, she lied to me. She and her mother came up with a scheme to trap me. When she moved out, with the children , she still would not admit she lied to me, and to everyone else. It was years before my oldest daughter told me that her mother finally admitted to the lies. I have a have a great relationship with my oldest daughter and my third daughter. I have no relationship with the 2nd girl and the last child, a boy. So not only did I get screwed out of 2 children, those 2 got screwed out of a father. And my parents got screwed out of a relationship with all 4 children, as did my sister and her family. The lying bitch and her mother, still do not accept any responsibility in the lies.

 

 

My advice, cut your losses. If you want, keep a relationship with the child. But if you cannot be a father to the child, and be a continuing part of the child's life, let the child go. It will be better for the child to not know you, than for the child to go through the heartache and the self-doubts involved with your disappearance at a later time. I know, I have been on both ends of that situation.

wait I'm confused! How long was you all dating for? So your oldest daughter was the kid she trapped you with? And did you find out she wasn't yours during the pregnancy or after? And so if she had three more kids are they yours? And if so why does she let you only have a relationship with the oldest and third one but not the second and last one? And so do you still keep contact with the mother?

 

So for all the questions

[firemanq]

wait I'm confused! 1.How long was you all dating for? This was 40 + years ago, but we only dated for about 6 months before the marriage.

 

 

2.So your oldest daughter was the kid she trapped you with? And did you find out she wasn't yours during the pregnancy or after?

Yes, the oldest daughter was the bait. And I did not get confirmation until the oldest was out, on her own. We were talking one night and I asked the wife a question. I asked "Why didn't you tell me?" She got an odd look and told me she loved so much she just could not tell me. I then said " You loved me so much you had to lie?" Her reply was "Yes". I asked if she had any idea how much unhappiness her deception had caused? She said no.

 

 

3.And so if she had three more kids are they yours?

Who knows, she lied about the first one, she lied all through the marriage. After the divorce, I met a guy and he told me that they would go to lunch together. I had one of those moments when the light bulb went off in my head. When we were married, I would sometimes call her and ask her to lunch. Sometimes, she would break our lunch date, claiming work problems. Based upon her history, I immediately figured she was still cheating. All the women in her family ****ed around on their husbands. Her grandmother had 3 husbands that I knew off, and was very open that her current husband was not the father of 2 of her children. Her aunts were unfaithful.

 

 

4. And if so why does she let you only have a relationship with the oldest and third one but not the second and last one?

 

 

The mother tried to prevent any real relationship developing between me the daughter. I have never known and if she told me, I would have difficulty believing anything she said. Years later, when the oldest got married, I was not invited. My girlfriend got an invitation, but I did not. The x-wife was in charge of sending invitations. I told my girlfriend the sad story about the oldest and me. My girlfriend then stuck her nose where is did not belong and called my daughter. She then told me to get off my ass and call the girl. I did, we met, and had a very emotional meeting. We talked and found that we were not at fault. We now see each other and have very good relationship. The third daughter and I have always had a good relationship. The other 2 kids have always believed what their mother has told them about me and that the divorce was entirely my fault. We have no contact and have not for years. My oldest daughter asked me once if I would meet with all 4 children, and I told her I would have to think about it. I called her told her I would meet with them at any time and place. The other 2 declined. There is still no contact.

 

 

5. And so do you still keep contact with the mother?

No, I have no desire to see the bitch. She can eat **** and die! Her actions have caused much strife and unhappiness. I do not know if she has any idea the destruction she caused. When my oldest daughter's child graduated from school, there was a big family get together. My daughter told me my presence was expected and wanted. She expressly told me that I had to be nice to the x-wife and that she told the x-wife to be nice to me. The X and I nodded to each other once. I did not say anything to the x-wife, her mother or her sister. After everyone left, I asked my daughter if I behaved properly. She said yes and told me she was proud of me. I kissed her on the cheek and told her how proud I was of her and her family. I told her how much I loved her. My daughter is married to a great guy, who takes care of his family. My granddaughter is doing very well and married to a very nice boy. My second daughter is on her 2nd or 3rd or 4th long term relationship. I think she has 4 daughters. My 3rd daughter is on her 1 st marriage and has 2 beautiful girls. My son is on his 2nd marriage. His 1st marriage was to a cheating bitch like his mother. He has a son he dotes on, and sees very little of. He is now married to a nice girl, I have not met her and probably never will.

 

But my girlfriend and I have been together for 25 years. Like all couples, we have ups and downs, but mostly up. She has a daughter who I claim as mine/ours. She has 2 kids. I am closer to them than my children.

 

 

As you can tell, I still guard my feelings. I have said things on this forum that I have never told anyone else. I can relate to the stories here. When I found this place and read the problems others have face, I realized I was not the only fool. I was not the only person who got screwed and lied to. I have screamed at some of the posters for making the same mistakes I made.

So for all the questions

 

William, feel free to make this a separate post.Thank you for providing a safe place where we can vent our feelings and ask others for advice.

[happyman64]

itwasntme

 

 

You have good friends. Better yet, your wife told them the truth. Give her credit where credit is due.

 

 

She messed up. She fessed up. She protected your position in this messy matter.

 

 

I think she is slowly learning her lesson after being shown consequences by you for her bad decisions.

 

 

keep being you and moving forward in life. You have a lot to offer a woman.

 

 

Never forget it or devalue yourself.

 

 

HM

[Itwasntme]

William, feel free to make this a separate post.Thank you for providing a safe place where we can vent our feelings and ask others for advice.

Well thanks for telling me all that and I do hope you and all of your kids can make up(and if not then it's their lost because you sound like a great man).

 

2. I wonder do WW honestly think that's a great excuse? Because my ex kinda said the same thing when I asked did she plan on ever telling me? Even tho she said she did plan too, one of her many excuses for why she didn't at the moment or earlier was because she loved me so much and feared I would leave her.

 

3. So her grandmother and aunt cheats too! What about the mother? And well but at least I could kinda see why she would be like that but my ex her mother and grandmother (who's deceased) both are or were godly women who stayed married to the same man for 30+ years. And she was raised in the church ,hell her dad is a Deacon in our old one! So that is some that also baffled me.

 

4. On this part it really touched me because I remember when me and my siblings kinda treated our father this way. It wasn't because of my mama who always expressed how much she wanted us to have a relationship with him. We just blamed a lot of our family struggle on him and his drinking so we didn't really have a close relationship with him and plus how bad he use to treat my mom. So yeah for a long time we had a strained relationship but eventually we all finally came to forgive him and honestly love him deeply. Yeah he still have a lot of flaws and drinks but I'm glad my dad is still here.

 

5. Yeah I agree I don't think my ex knows how bad this has hurt me. She said she can see how much damage this has done and how much pain it has caused me. but I honestly do feel like she won't ever truly know until she lives through this. And do your other kids know their mother cheated?

[betrayedlove]

It's sad to know you are going through such a situation.

 

I would suggest you to forget her completely. Have No Contact with her from now. She cheated you got pregnant with someone else child, is this her love towards you??. If she honestly loved you, she would never ever in her wildest dream would have hurt you in such a worst way. It's only when she became pregnant she brought this to your notice bcoz she knew she can't hide it now for a long time.

 

I was in similar situation where my wife had an affair behind my back. When I found out I straight away divorced her without any talks and i dont think any courts would tell a Husband to maintain an adulterous wife. Still today the fact she cheated strikes me hard.

 

Does your wife really know the meaning of Love?? If your wife really loved you she would never have slept with OM. Atleast when she was in arms of OM your face could have striked her head and she would have backed off from what she was doing and never met OM again, instead she went to her maximum limit to hurt you and now how can she have hopes to be your wife after all this mess she made.

 

Even if you take her back there is no guarantee she won't do it again. Moreover the fact she cheated will strike you even if you choose to live with her. Now she will act like most loving wife in the world to have you back but as time passes out she will act like nothing has happened.

Will you be able to live a life with her knowing that she cheated you to such an extent that even the child is not yours.

 

In future, if suddenly to your shock she says she loves OM and wants to live with him then what will you do?? How can you trust her??

Regarding Child is concerned, don't sign any legal documents. You're wife may play emortional drama but don't give in. She can then use it against you by burdening you to look after someone else child.

 

Divorce her. Don't look back. You will have plenty of opportunities to be happy in your life. But if you stay in this relationship you will only face difficulties and sorrows.

So why to be in such a relation in which your wife had no respect towards you. Move ON bro..

[harrybrown]

Is she still in contact with the father of the child?

 

Until she goes NC, there is no hope.

[Itwasntme]

Is she still in contact with the father of the child?

 

Until she goes NC, there is no hope.

hope for what? And I honestly don't know I haven't talked to her in about three weeks so your guess is as good as mine. I can ask my BF wife to go check on her and see what she can find out, but outside that there isn't much I can do or really want to do.

[qubist]

hope for what? And I honestly don't know I haven't talked to her in about three weeks so your guess is as good as mine. I can ask my BF wife to go check on her and see what she can find out, but outside that there isn't much I can do or really want to do.

 

wow it looks like you learned something from this forum and "no more Mr nice guy" book. I remember your earlier posts you couldn't see life without her and her baby. good for you my friend. it is time to move on you can make it with or without her.

[Clay]

hope for what? And I honestly don't know I haven't talked to her in about three weeks so your guess is as good as mine. I can ask my BF wife to go check on her and see what she can find out, but outside that there isn't much I can do or really want to do.

 

I wouldn't look back. Let her be your past now. You can do far better than her.

 

C