It's not mine

[sandylee1]

Update:

1.so I'm In SA

2. Have a date with my ex

3. OM said he will sign AOP but won't get involved

4. BF knows everything about the affair now

 

So that's all

 

You have a date with her?

As in a romantic date?

Are you saying you are going to adopt this child?

Are you still filing for D?

 

If the answer to the first 3 is yes and the answer to the last question is No, then as much as I hate to say this...Sawtoothmars was probably right in saying you are the sort of person that people will take advantage of.

 

If you reconcile, you know that she can and more than likely will continue to cheat on you, with the knowledge that you'll stay right there.

[aliveagain]

Update:

1.so I'm In SA

2. Have a date with my ex

3. OM said he will sign AOP but won't get involved

4. BF knows everything about the affair now

 

So that's all

 

 

 

I guess you made your decision, I hope you all live happily ever after.

[OldRover]

I guess you made your decision, I hope you all live happily ever after.

 

Well, not quite..... he still has options. The fat lady hasn't sung, yet.

[Itwasntme]

You have a date with her?

As in a romantic date?

Are you saying you are going to adopt this child?

Are you still filing for D?

 

If the answer to the first 3 is yes and the answer to the last question is No, then as much as I hate to say this...Sawtoothmars was probably right in saying you are the sort of person that people will take advantage of.

 

If you reconcile, you know that she can and more than likely will continue to cheat on you, with the knowledge that you'll stay right there.

No no no ok it was a romantic date I guess but it's hard to explain. So basically on Tuesday I found out she went to talked to the OM and lied to me about it when I asked her about it. So once she tried to explain I wouldn't let her I told her she was full of BS and I didn't ever want her to ****ing call me or talk to me again. She kept trying to argue her case and asked so I no longer cared about her or the baby. I told her as far as I was concerned her and the baby could die, and I wouldn't care(which of course I was lying about)

 

Right there she just stop talking and once I realized what I said I tried to take it back but she hung up. Fast forward Friday still NC I called her dad he said she just been locked up the room crying and not eating or drinking. They were scared she could dehydrate or some worst.i basically told him I would go down to check on her.

 

Skip to Saturday I make it to SA and to my BF house first. We end up calling OM up to talk to him, we meet at a Starbucks and we have a long talk. And I basically learn my ex came to talk to him to ask him to sign the AOP but to stay away from Her and the child and in exchange she won't file for CS.which he agreed too.

 

I go to the in laws house and have a talk to my ex about acting immature and not taking care of her body, but I do apologize for the comments and promised to take her out later on that date to make it up(yeah I know KISA).

 

So we went but it's not like we did anything big. We went to go watch straight out of Compton(not romantic but she wanted to watch it) and eat dinner. Then went to her parents to sleep.

 

After all was said and done I told her it still didn't change the fact that i wanted a divorce but still wanted to be there for the kid, which she fully understood. I already said I'm not looking to date or really be in a relationship at this point.

 

And I think people should just forget the she's a 9 and I'm a 6 comment. Because I was just saying some that bothered me in the relationship not making a reason to keep her.

Edited August 23, 2015 by Itwasntme

[SawtoothMars]

So we went but it's not like we did anything big. We went to go watch straight out of Compton(not romantic but she wanted to watch it) and eat dinner. Then went to her parents to sleep.

After all was said and done I told her it still didn't change the fact that i wanted a divorce but still wanted to be there for the kid, which she fully understood. I already said I'm not looking to date or really be in a relationship at this point.

And I think people should just forget the she's a 9 and I'm a 6 comment. Because I was just saying some that bothered me in the relationship not making a reason to keep her.

 

I really think you should go "no contact" for at least a couple months. The baby will be there when you get done. This lady is just completely toxic, and you are just way too emotionally attached.

 

Seriously, she cheated on you because your such a wimp. Before you re-engage her you need to do some work on yourself in a big way. You need to have a very hard edge in dealing with her now. There should be a coldness and ZERO need to please. I really don't think you are there yet.

[Itwasntme]

I really think you should go "no contact" for at least a couple months. The baby will be there when you get done. This lady is just completely toxic, and you are just way too emotionally attached.

 

Seriously, she cheated on you because your such a wimp. Before you re-engage her you need to do some work on yourself in a big way. You need to have a very hard edge in dealing with her now. There should be a coldness and ZERO need to please. I really don't think you are there yet.

actually that's a great ass idea! You're right that kid isn't going anywhere and I have felt that I've been taking it soft on her to avoid stressing her out when this is all her fault in the first place. And idk it was some about seeing her seemingly down that reactived the nice guy in me and I had to make it up to her.

 

After reading no more mr nice guy I have been trying to put myself first in life and trying to realize that telling people no or how I feel doesn't mean I'm a ********* but it's much easier to actually say then to do. But thank you I think I will take time out to work on myself first

[SawtoothMars]

actually that's a great ass idea! You're right that kid isn't going anywhere and I have felt that I've been taking it soft on her to avoid stressing her out when this is all her fault in the first place. And idk it was some about seeing her seemingly down that reactived the nice guy in me and I had to make it up to her.

After reading no more mr nice guy I have been trying to put myself first in life and trying to realize that telling people no or how I feel doesn't mean I'm a ********* but it's much easier to actually say then to do. But thank you I think I will take time out to work on myself first

 

I don't mean to come across as a dick here. It's just that I have been in your shoes. I KNOW how hard it is to break old habits... especially when you have deep feelings for the woman involved.

 

I used to be extremely upset with my xWife for constantly taking advantage of my "niceness" to her. Over time I have come to accept that a huge chunk of it was my fault for acting that way to begin with. Truth is that nobody taught me how to stand up for myself in a relationship. I thought she would naturally appreciate everything I did, all the sacrifices I made. She didn't. Instead she went behind my back screwing a coworker. Primarily because all the nice things I did for her came across as me being a "pussy".

 

The truth is that she won't "get it", in terms of what she lost until she sees you as a stronger and more confident man. Right now, she feels like no matter how bad she treats you... that you will still be hanging around like a lost puppy. Fact is that makes you seem very unattractive. Once you don't care anymore, at that point she will be able to see you as something awesome she screwed up and lost!

[aliveagain]

Are you sure you have all the truth? She said she had sex with O/M 3 times. If you count the times you have been told about, in the family room in your house, in her car, a threesome with O/M and his baby's momma, O/M's brothers place and other places she didn't specify. He was banging her for 6 months, you've only been married two years.

 

Your wife has been playing you like a Stradivarius. She decided to have an affair 1 1/2 years into your marriage, you weren't given any choice in her decision. She knew she was pregnant with her Xmas/New Years baby within 30 days of the event. She knew it could be O/M's and even texts him about it, you again are given no choice because she doesn't tell you about O/M or that the baby may not be yours. You bust her when she is 7 months pregnant which leaves you with very few options. Even if you divorce her and she works her way back into your life, your till going to be raising O/M's child. If you marry her again the child comes with her, O/M still has rights. How smart is this woman, she doesn't want to loose you but doesn't take any precautions to prevent getting pregnant when she's banging O/M?

 

Only one path makes sense to me but this is your life. Your first child as husband and wife shouldn't belong to another man. Trust me, you'll never be ok with that scenario. So far she has been calling the shots and look at where you are. You have got to get all this drama out of your life.

Edited August 24, 2015 by aliveagain

[m.snow]

so for now you've chosen the unbeaten path, decided to stay with this woman.

 

take care of her and the child but do not adopt him.

keep the divorce going.

 

since you really want to be with this woman for now. just prepare yourself. don't go 100% like you did before. give 50 keep 50.

 

protect your assets prenup-postnup, but since your already divorced no worries then.

 

don't forget to prepare your heart. she might just leave you in the dust.

but take what you can from her sex,compaionship,love & affection. just prepare your heart it may not last.

[Itwasntme]

Are you sure you have all the truth? She said she had sex with O/M 3 times. If you count the times you have been told about, in the family room in your house, in her car, a threesome with O/M and his baby's momma, O/M's brothers place and other places she didn't specify. He was banging her for 6 months, you've only been married two years.

 

Your wife has been playing you like a Stradivarius. She decided to have an affair 1 1/2 years into your marriage, you weren't given any choice in her decision. She knew she was pregnant with her Xmas/New Years baby within 30 days of the event. She knew it could be O/M's and even texts him about it, you again are given no choice because she doesn't tell you about O/M or that the baby may not be yours. You bust her when she is 7 months pregnant which leaves you with very few options. Even if you divorce her and she works her way back into your life, your till going to be raising O/M's child. If you marry her again the child comes with her, O/M still has rights. How smart is this woman, she doesn't want to loose you but doesn't take any precautions to prevent getting pregnant when she's banging O/M?

 

Only one path makes sense to me but this is your life. Your first child as husband and wife shouldn't belong to another man. Trust me, you'll never be ok with that scenario. So far she has been calling the shots and look at where you are. You have got to get all this drama out of your life.

no she told me that was a lie The night before she moved out. When I asked her about the sex. They actually had sex multiple times and when I asked for the real number she just said she didn't keep count but at least over 20 time. So as for me having all the truth I think I do have it seeing as she told me everything even about the sex, and when I met the OM and asked him some questions they seem to match (like the length of the affair and where they did it at).

 

As for the OM I doubt he will come back into the picture. The reason he easily accept her offer is him and his baby mama got back together and are struggling to support their themselves and their two kids so another one would break them. Plus the baby mama doesn't want him in the baby or ex life for some reason.

[Itwasntme]

so for now you've chosen the unbeaten path, decided to stay with this woman.

 

take care of her and the child but do not adopt him.

keep the divorce going.

 

since you really want to be with this woman for now. just prepare yourself. don't go 100% like you did before. give 50 keep 50.

 

protect your assets prenup-postnup, but since your already divorced no worries then.

 

don't forget to prepare your heart. she might just leave you in the dust.

but take what you can from her sex,compaionship,love & affection. just prepare your heart it may not last.

I just said I wanted to be in the kids' life not get back together with her. Honestly if we could just be good friends and co parent that would be the best possible situation to me because I can't see my self with her relationship or physical wise. She has just killed to much of me for that. 1. Now I don't want to ever get back in a relationship seeing as I know I won't trust my next GF because if I can't trust one who I've known and been with for 8 years then who can I trust?

 

2. my sex drive is low to the point it almost isn't there. She just killed it and my ego by saying the other guy was better then me and Just by sleeping with him. Well ok she didn't say it like that but when I asked about it she said the sex with me was good and she loved it but with him it was amazing! So now I just don't seem to want any. porno does nothing for me and it's a 35 year old I work with who I could probably sleep with if I put in the effort and she's beautiful too but I don't want sex anymore.

 

3. I don't think I will love anymore either. I know a lot will say that's illogical and of course I will but I doubt it. For one I really think she took all my love with her and two even If I even did fall in love again I would never give anyone else my full love so I never get this hurt again

Edited August 24, 2015 by Itwasntme

[sandylee1]

I just wanted to ask if you and/or your wife are African American?

A couple of things you said made me think that.

 

You say coparenting as though she cheated, but the child is yours. Leave her to find another dad for her child. One she hasn't cheated on and deceived like she did you.

 

For you and guys like Sawtoothmars who are really nice, please don't think EVERYTHING woman would take advantage of your kindness. I've never done that and I had one really nice BF in the past. He would do anything and everything for me and the only reason we didn't get married, is that he was still in college and I had finished and was working. I didn't want to wait and I was also a couple of years older than him as it was.

 

Most women would be delighted for a loving man, but your wife isn't one of them and she's proven that by not only cheating, but getting pregnant and being unsure of the paternity, she went ahead with it and deceived you. That's a special kind of cruelty and you should NEVER FORGET what she's capable of. She can become mother Theresa, but that act of trying to pin the kid on you......that's awful.

 

She wants the OM out of her life now, but that's out of fear of totally loosing you. Sensible responsible adults think about the consequences of their actions, she didn't and if she did, she probably thought if you just found out she cheated, you'd forgive her in a heartbeat.

 

For your own sake do not get attached to the baby and as suggested work on yourself. NC and work on you. You are a guy a lot of women would desire, please don't let her ruin your chance of happiness in the future with a great woman. Living well and being happy should be your aim.

[Itwasntme]

I just wanted to ask if you and/or your wife are African American?

A couple of things you said made me think that.

 

You say coparenting as though she cheated, but the child is yours. Leave her to find another dad for her child. One she hasn't cheated on and deceived like she did you.

 

For you and guys like Sawtoothmars who are really nice, please don't think EVERYTHING woman would take advantage of your kindness. I've never done that and I had one really nice BF in the past. He would do anything and everything for me and the only reason we didn't get married, is that he was still in college and I had finished and was working. I didn't want to wait and I was also a couple of years older than him as it was.

 

Most women would be delighted for a loving man, but your wife isn't one of them and she's proven that by not only cheating, but getting pregnant and being unsure of the paternity, she went ahead with it and deceived you. That's a special kind of cruelty and you should NEVER FORGET what she's capable of. She can become mother Theresa, but that act of trying to pin the kid on you......that's awful.

 

She wants the OM out of her life now, but that's out of fear of totally loosing you. Sensible responsible adults think about the consequences of their actions, she didn't and if she did, she probably thought if you just found out she cheated, you'd forgive her in a heartbeat.

 

For your own sake do not get attached to the baby and as suggested work on yourself. NC and work on you. You are a guy a lot of women would desire, please don't let her ruin your chance of happiness in the future with a great woman. Living well and being happy should be your aim.

yeah what gave it away? I'm black but my ex is white and ok you're right co parenting isn't something I should have said because it does imply that I'm the dad. My fault but if I could stay in the kid life and not be with her it would be good Edited August 24, 2015 by Itwasntme

[Sassy Girl]

yeah what gave it away? I'm black but my ex is white and ok you're right co parenting isn't something I should have said because it does imply that I'm the dad. My fault but if I could stay in the kid life and not be with her it would be good

 

I'm curious.... Is this why you think you're a 6 and she's a 10?

 

From where I stand you are a much better prospect for a healthy fulfilling relationship than your ex.

 

You seem to be a great guy. You can (and will) do better than her. I commend you for separating your relationship with your ex to the baby.

 

I think you're doing ok.

[Itwasntme]

I'm curious.... Is this why you think you're a 6 and she's a 10?

 

From where I stand you are a much better prospect for a healthy fulfilling relationship than your ex.

 

You seem to be a great guy. You can (and will) do better than her. I commend you for separating your relationship with your ex to the baby.

 

I think you're doing ok.

are you asking Is the difference in race why I think that? If that's the question then heavens no! Race doesn't play a part in it I was just talking strictly look wise. I'm very honest when it comes to people looks and I know for sure I'm just your average guy who you won't say is ugly but also won't call handsome I'm just there. And she's the type who just catches your eye point blank.

 

And of course I also think I'm a better relationship prospect then her but I doubt she will have trouble finding someone new.

[road]

I just said I wanted to be in the kids' life not get back together with her. Honestly if we could just be good friends and co parent that would be the best possible situation to me because I can't see my self with her relationship or physical wise. She has just killed to much of me for that. 1. Now I don't want to ever get back in a relationship seeing as I know I won't trust my next GF because if I can't trust one who I've known and been with for 8 years then who can I trust?

 

Why it is not yours?

 

 

2. my sex drive is low to the point it almost isn't there. She just killed it and my ego by saying the other guy was better then me and Just by sleeping with him. Well ok she didn't say it like that but when I asked about it she said the sex with me was good and she loved it but with him it was amazing! So now I just don't seem to want any. porno does nothing for me and it's a 35 year old I work with who I could probably sleep with if I put in the effort and she's beautiful too but I don't want sex anymore.

 

 

 

 

Why would you still want sex with WW? After that remark how good you every go there again?

 

3. I don't think I will love anymore either. I know a lot will say that's illogical and of course I will but I doubt it. For one I really think she took all my love with her and two even If I even did fall in love again I would never give anyone else my full love so I never get this hurt again

 

 

Not bad. You are wrong 3 for 3. Why do you think you can never find another wife?

 

This WW has a lifetime of issues. Issues that you are not capable to correct. Divorce and NC is the only way to go. I do not say this lightly for I have advised many to try to recover their marriages. Just not this one.

[road]

are you asking Is the difference in race why I think that? If that's the question then heavens no! Race doesn't play a part in it I was just talking strictly look wise. I'm very honest when it comes to people looks and I know for sure I'm just your average guy who you won't say is ugly but also won't call handsome I'm just there. And she's the type who just catches your eye point blank.

 

And of course I also think I'm a better relationship prospect then her but I doubt she will have trouble finding someone new.

 

 

You overate her ability to attract. Look who she let knock her up. He can not even support himself and his two previous OC.

[aliveagain]

You overate her ability to attract. Look who she let knock her up. He can not even support himself and his two previous OC.

 

She knew his history yet took no precautions to protect herself against pregnancy, she doesn't even know how many times she had sex with him other than it was more than 20 times. A good rule of thumb here is to take whatever number they tell you and triple it. She didn't even care that his brother new she was going to his house to bang O/M, his brother who sleeps on his couch. This is your wife we are writing about, how sad is that?

 

Seriously I don't get why your so hung up on having a relationship with O/M's child. Become a big brother if you have a need to be around children, just don't caught up in their problem, it won't end well for you. You need to be no contact with all of them.

[Itwasntme]

Actually I think I am going to pull out. I really did want to try and make it work with the child but I can't lie any longer. I didn't say this but yesterday was a **** day for me! I went to our old church with her and her family and I had to hold up the act that we were just a happy couple. After service people kept coming up asking me questions like if I was ready to be a father, was i nervous or excited, telling me that there is no greater joy then raising a kid. They kept touching her stomach asking how far along was she and how they would be praying for our happy family and ****. She must of sense my anger because she told them she was tired and wanted to go home and lay down. And then apologize the way home.

 

This **** has been eating at me since I fell a sleep til I woke up. I honestly thought I was being the bigger man in the situation by staying but I can't take this pain.

 

And road I don't want to sleep with her I was just explaining why I never could again. Hell I would never be able to kiss her again.

 

And why I can't find a wife? Because I don't trust females anymore! Yeah I know "all females aren't alike just as all men aren't bad" and I do believe that but I know if I ever do get in another relationship I will always hold in the back of my head that they could cheat on me and I don't think that's great for a relationship when there is no trust. There is no guarantee that this won't happen no matter who I get with and I don't have time to be baby sitting grown women, always checking in on them

Edited August 24, 2015 by Itwasntme

[DKT3]

Actually I think I am going to pull out. I really did want to try and make it work with the child but I can't lie any longer. I didn't say this but yesterday was a **** day for me! I went to our old church with her and her family and I had to hold up the act that we were just a happy couple. After service people kept coming up asking me questions like if I was ready to be a father, was i nervous or excited, telling me that there is no greater joy then raising a kid. They kept touching her stomach asking how far along was she and how they would be praying for our happy family and ****. She must of sense my anger because she told them she was tired and wanted to go home and lay down. And then apologize the way home.

 

This **** has been eating at me since I fell a sleep til I woke up. I honestly thought I was being the bigger man in the situation by staying but I can't take this pain.

 

And road I don't want to sleep with her I was just explaining why I never could again. Hell I would never be able to kiss her again.

 

And why I can't find a wife? Because I don't trust females anymore! Yeah I know "all females aren't alike just as all men aren't bad" and I do believe that but I know if I ever do get in another relationship I will always hold in the back of my head that they could cheat on me and I don't think that's great for a relationship when there is no trust. There is no guarantee that this won't happen no matter who I get with and I don't have time to be baby sitting grown women, always checking in on them

 

This isn't uncommon, shortly after her affair I had some trust issues even with my mom and sister. After the divorce I dated a lot and didn't trust much of what any of those women said.

 

I do think it will pass and at some point you will trust again and you will love again. Not all women is your STBXW, hell most women don't cheat.

 

I think pulling out is the best thing for you to do, I think you should start TODAY. JUST CUT HER OFF.

[aliveagain]

This **** has been eating at me since I fell a sleep til I woke up. I honestly thought I was being the bigger man in the situation by staying but I can't take this pain.

 

Your in pain my friend because your body and mind are in a battle over your decision to be a bigger man. You are still confused as to who the prize is, just to be clear you are. She may be beautiful on the outside but she is an ugly one on the inside. You will have to lie to everyone in your life to protect her lack of morals, how can you ever be proud of someone like that? This is why you are in pain. Once your away from her manipulation for a while, the pain will diminish. We have all been through it. Let your lawyer deal with her going forward.

[HurtOfGlass]

Update:

1.so I'm In SA

2. Have a date with my ex

3. OM said he will sign AOP but won't get involved

4. BF knows everything about the affair now

 

So that's all

 

Does SA stands for South Africa? Are you from South Africa?

[Itwasntme]

Does SA stands for South Africa? Are you from South Africa?

Oh hahaha I get it because I'm black it has to stand for south Africa huh?........... naw I'm just playing it stands for San Antonio. And I was there I'm already back in Houston.

[Itwasntme]

This isn't uncommon, shortly after her affair I had some trust issues even with my mom and sister. After the divorce I dated a lot and didn't trust much of what any of those women said.

 

I do think it will pass and at some point you will trust again and you will love again. Not all women is your STBXW, hell most women don't cheat.

 

I think pulling out is the best thing for you to do, I think you should start TODAY. JUST CUT HER OFF.

But didn't you get back with your ex? So do you trust her? I'm not trying to say anything bad because I'm sure she's a great women now but how can you trust her again? It's already a problem trusting females who hasn't done anything to you but to one who you know betrayed you how can you deal with it.

[HurtOfGlass]

Sorry I didn't mean it that way. Just curious. Because I was in South Africa in 2010 World Cup.