It's not mine

[qubist]

Ok let me just clear this up. I don't want to stay with her out of fear I won't find someone as attractive, actually it might be best to down grade so at least then I'll feel less insecure about the relationship. The only reason I'm even thinking of staying is because I honestly did or do love her and have for the last 8 years of my life. The looks was just a bonus for the relationship but we probably wouldn't had got together if she wasn't the one to ask me out(well more like told me we was going on a date).

 

Also with the baby people saying it will hunt me or I'll have to put up with her and him. 1. She said she will do anything needed so the responsibility doesn't fall on me if I don't want 2. She's also willing to put it up for adoption, she said that will kill her but if that's what I want she will do it(but I can't do it either because if I do leave her she will have lost me and her baby which is to evil) 3. If I do adopt the kid as my own, I in no way plan to see him as a burden of such, I don't have to be with his mother to want him and I won't see him as some kind of mistake. He has in no way wronged me or hurt me it was his mother actions I can't forgive, so I won't be holding that against him.

First of all, let tip my hat for you, you are a gentlemen with really good standards in life.

If you consider staying with her and adopting her baby you should be aware of the risks and the sacrifice that goes along with that decision. I hate to rain on your prade, but you don't even know if she is really remorseful or just don't have any other option but to please you for now, if you decide to go that route let her work herself to you , do not hold back any feelings let it all out go to MC, one thing for sure keep all option open let her know now that you don't trust her and even if you are trying to work it out she needs to understand that it might not work

[OldRover]

It will be VERY DIFFICULT to make this work, if you carefully read over what you have said.

 

It will be very difficult to get over 8 years of loving her, but it's clear that she has made more than a minor mistake, and was more that just a one time fling.

She has clearly violated you to the worst degree, very early on in your marriage, how the hell do you think she will improve over the years? How can you regain trust? That will take year and may never come and you'll always be reminded of it. That could be WAY more painful that just getting out of it now, while you can.

 

I'm sure many people can reconcile after an affair, but bringing a child into the picture with the OM makes it incredibly worse.

 

The ONLY WAY I would consider this, if she put the child up for adoption, never saw or spoke to the OM.... ever, and got counseling.... and even then, I'd give it a year or so before I'd even begin to feel good about continuing for a life long relationship. I'd also make her sign a prenup agreement, so if you left, you would not be hurt financially.

 

She has to take the responsibility.

[Lois_Griffin]

see i would kick her out but she has no where to go. We moved to a city three hours away from her friends and even if we didn't her friends are mainly the wives of my friends so if they found out what she has done I doubt she could stay with them. And her parents are still living but I told them what was going on last week and now they're not speaking to her. She's a only child so no siblings and like I said the guy lives with his older brother family and doesn't even raise his other two kids so I doubt she could go with him. The only option I'm left with is 1. Buy her a cheap motel or hotel and pay for it 2. I go stay in a hotel or with my family 3. I put up with her here until I make my choice.

I don't know if you live in the US, but if your wife gives birth to a baby, I believe it's legally considered YOURS.

 

You'd better get to a lawyer NOW.

 

Start making choices based on being educated about the law, not silly nonsense based on emotion.

[Clay]

The others are right. Get a lawyer today. Don't do anything else until you talk to a lawyer. I would ask her if she would be willing to go stay at her parents to give you some time to think but I would not put it off as a demand at this point. She does have rights and you want to be careful how you do things until you have talked to your attorney.

 

I think this is the part where most people agree that we see but we understand that you can't see it yet because your in the thick of it. She was already prepared to not be with. She knew the moment she had sex with him with out protection what the consequences of her actions could lead to. She only wants to stay with you because your stable. You can offer her the life she won't get from him. This is manipulation at its finest.

 

Her offering to give her child up for adoption just makes me want to tell you to run even faster away from her.

 

I am really sorry your going through this but sadly your going to have to do what alot of us have had to do. Stand up and take care of yourself. Divorce her and wish her the best with her OM. I wouldn't even say it as a pun. I would be just grateful I was getting away from someone so horrible.

 

There are far better women out there than her and you will find better for yourself.

 

Clay

[Clay]

Any woman capable of trying to pawn off some other man's kid on her unsuspecting husband is just about the lowest life form in existence.

 

.

 

I completely agree with this statement. DNA tests are getting cheaper and cheaper. They should be a medical requirement upon birth of any children.

 

C

[Ifalltopieces]

not trying to sound mean but Well of course she made a Hugh mistake! Actually a colossal one. She went and cheated on me with someone who not trying to sound boastful but i see myself better then! Ok I admit he is more attractive then me , and that is one thing that I Have always had to deal with. if I had to scale looks I would say I'm about a 6 and half while my wife is a 9 damn near a ten. So I have always felt me and her didn't belong together looks wise and this guy is around a 8 or 9. But besides that I have a great paying job as a pharmacist, drive a nice car(she does too which I bought for her), we live in a nice 3 bedroom house, I'm fit and have no kids(sadly now), I take care of her and got her anything within my means she wanted, help her family out when they needed it and let her be a SAHW. The chump she cheated on me with doesn't have a car, lives on his brother couch, has not one but two kids already ( three if you count ours or hers or whatever), he's 7 years older then her so he's 33, I'm 28, and she's 26. I could go on but now I'm just ranting.

 

And I too am a firm believer in God does everything for a reason but this one right here I just can't see the reason idk how this will ever be helpful to me.

 

As for if the OM wants to be in the baby life idk. He said in a email that he wants it to be his but then at the same time he has two kids he barely takes care. So idk what he plans to do yet, but I'm telling you know I won't tolerate it and wouldn't be able to handle my kid calling another man daddy.

 

 

I didn't mean she made a mistake as in; "excuse her because she JUST made a mistake". What I meant was, people do things and say things all the time that they normally wouldn't do. Unless she is a serial cheater, it sounds like this is really out of character for her and she is really paying the price for it.

 

You really have to stop comparing yourself to the OM. It's not about all of the things you pointed out. From the things you've mentioned, you sound like a great catch, but nothing you mentioned is the basis for her cheating. It goes much deeper than any of that. I cheated on my H with an overweight, unattractive man who had very bad teeth. My H is gorgeous and an all around great guy. Why? Honestly, I don't know why. It's definitely a character flaw in me and I'm trying to resolve it.

 

As for the baby.....I doubt very highly that OM wants anything to do with that baby. Especially if the things you mentioned about his other children are true. These men are liars and they are notorious for telling us what we wanna hear. My MM used to tell me he wanted me to get pregnant. HA!!! YeAh right!!! If it ever would have happened I would have been left like a piece of trash on the side of the highway. They LIE!!!!!

 

A lot of people on LS are going to tell you to kick her to the curb. It's just not that easy. You have a lot of things to discuss with your wife. She did a terrible thing and she needs to atone for it. Please please please think about everything before you make any decisions. It sounds like life was very pleasant before all of this, maybe you both can get that back.

 

Good luck!!

[Keenly]

I didn't mean she made a mistake as in; "excuse her because she JUST made a mistake". What I meant was, people do things and say things all the time that they normally wouldn't do. Unless she is a serial cheater, it sounds like this is really out of character for her and she is really paying the price for it.

 

You really have to stop comparing yourself to the OM. It's not about all of the things you pointed out. From the things you've mentioned, you sound like a great catch, but nothing you mentioned is the basis for her cheating. It goes much deeper than any of that. I cheated on my H with an overweight, unattractive man who had very bad teeth. My H is gorgeous and an all around great guy. Why? Honestly, I don't know why. It's definitely a character flaw in me and I'm trying to resolve it.

 

As for the baby.....I doubt very highly that OM wants anything to do with that baby. Especially if the things you mentioned about his other children are true. These men are liars and they are notorious for telling us what we wanna hear. My MM used to tell me he wanted me to get pregnant. HA!!! YeAh right!!! If it ever would have happened I would have been left like a piece of trash on the side of the highway. They LIE!!!!!

 

A lot of people on LS are going to tell you to kick her to the curb. It's just not that easy. You have a lot of things to discuss with your wife. She did a terrible thing and she needs to atone for it. Please please please think about everything before you make any decisions. It sounds like life was very pleasant before all of this, maybe you both can get that back.

 

Good luck!!

 

Life always sounds pleasant before you know your wife is cheating on you.

[Ifalltopieces]

Life always sounds pleasant before you know your wife is cheating on you.

 

I agree, but it's up to the OP how he lets it affect him. Is he going to let this ruin his life and drive him into a pit of despair? OR is he going to take the necessary strides to heal and learn from this experience.

 

Everybody can tell him all day long that he should just end it and walk away, but we all know saying it is a lot easier than following through.

[elaine567]

Ok let me just clear this up. I don't want to stay with her out of fear I won't find someone as attractive, actually it might be best to down grade so at least then I'll feel less insecure about the relationship. The only reason I'm even thinking of staying is because I honestly did or do love her and have for the last 8 years of my life. The looks was just a bonus for the relationship but we probably wouldn't had got together if she wasn't the one to ask me out(well more like told me we was going on a date).

 

Also with the baby people saying it will hunt me or I'll have to put up with her and him. 1. She said she will do anything needed so the responsibility doesn't fall on me if I don't want 2. She's also willing to put it up for adoption, she said that will kill her but if that's what I want she will do it(but I can't do it either because if I do leave her she will have lost me and her baby which is to evil) 3. If I do adopt the kid as my own, I in no way plan to see him as a burden of such, I don't have to be with his mother to want him and I won't see him as some kind of mistake. He has in no way wronged me or hurt me it was his mother actions I can't forgive, so I won't be holding that against him.

 

I think all can rant and rave here and there is a lot of triggering too amongst posters, but you and your wife and the baby is what matters here and it is YOU that needs to find out what is worse, losing your wife and the baby, or knowing what you now know and dealing with it as a family unit.

 

I doubt you can do this alone, get both of you into IC and MC.

[World's.Edge]

This is so infuriating. Itwasntme did you post this just to enrage people? What's infuriating isn't that your wife had an affair, it's you.

 

Your wife cheated on you, is pregnant by the man she cheated on you with, was/is still in contact with him and likely had no intention of disclosing any of this and the fact that you possibly weren't the child's father to you. How are you just okay with this?

 

You should also consider that she cheated on you at a time in your lives when you didn't have the stress, difficulty and effort that comes with raising children. Her life was relatively easy and stress free. Imagine how she'll behave and cope in the future when your lives are busier.

 

What she did wasn't a huge mistake. It was a series of intentional choices and decisions that she made. She enjoyed what she did and had fun doing it. She is also not remorseful. She's emotional and may regret the consequences of her actions but there's no true remorse over what she did. If there was she would be completely open and honest with you. A lack of remorse is a bad sign in any reconciliation. If you take her back, she will likely cheat on you again. She doesn't respect you and will respect you even less. You provide a secure environment for her, you maintain her lifestyle and level of comfort, so off course she won't want to end this, especially now that she and her lover have a child on the way.

 

She is an adult, she made adult(erous) decisions and she has to face adult consequences. You're not her only option. She should be able to take care of herself and figure her life out.

 

Staying with your adulterous seven-month pregnant wife isn't honourable, it's a really dumb and bad decision.

 

I get that you're probably in shock, that all of this hasn't hit you yet and that you haven't processed all of it. It doesn't even seem like you've confronted and addressed the issue of her unfaithfulness.

She had an affair, just think of what that truly means and involves. That's her having a relationship with another man while she's married to you.

 

That's her lying to you, sneaking behind your back, deceiving you, her being intimate with him, having his ***** inside her ******, in her mouth, maybe in her ***, holding him, kissing him, him fondling her, ********* her *****, etc. In addition to that, there are details of their email and text communications that she refuses to share with you. There's a reason for that.

I won't tolerate it and wouldn't be able to handle my kid calling another man daddy.

This kid won't be yours.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that you will just "get over" this in time. You won't. Every time you see the child it will remind you of what your cheating wife did to you.

Drifter777 has a point, you won't just get over this.

 

You know how people are with babies "Aww, he's so cute. He looks so much like you". How do you think it'll sit with you hearing that knowing that it's not true from the people who you haven't told?

 

Yes you have plans and already feel like a father. So? Plans change, feelings change. Yes, you still love her. She's your wife, you've been together for years. Those feelings won't instantaneously fade. I don't think anyone here is a stranger to ending a relationship with someone that they loved, but it happens. It won't be easy, but you can move on.

 

I have an older cousin in his forties who is married with three high school aged children. He cheated on his wife and has a child with the woman he cheated with. His wife is divorcing him.

 

You're in your late twenties. That is a gift. You should file for divorce and end the marriage. Take care of yourself, focus on your healing and work through this. It'll take time and effort but you'll be okay.

[stillafool]

 

And I too am a firm believer in God does everything for a reason but this one right here I just can't see the reason idk how this will ever be helpful to me.

 

As for if the OM wants to be in the baby life idk. He said in a email that he wants it to be his but then at the same time he has two kids he barely takes care. So idk what he plans to do yet, but I'm telling you know I won't tolerate it and wouldn't be able to handle my kid calling another man daddy.

 

First off, your wife did not make a mistake she made a choice. She wanted this man and went for it. The reason she hasn't wanted sex with you is not because of the baby but because she desires the baby's father. Of course she would rather stay with you for the obvious reason (financial). I think you should call her mom and dad and send her to them or her OM.

[66Charger]

There is a lot of fog here, amd thoughts of your possible future, but here is your reality.

I live in the state of California

 

If the Om wants his name on the birth certificate, he will get it

If the OM wants partial custody, he will get it.

If the Om wants visitation, he will get it.

If the Om wants the child to call him Dad, then that is what will be

If the OM wants to be in your wifes life for the next 18 years, it will happen.

If your wife puts the child up for adoption and the OM wants the child, he should get it.

If the OM has the child and your wife wants to see the child, she should do so.

The Om will see and talk to your wife for the next 18 years.

 

You can not control this situation. It is between the OM and your wife.

Do not even think differently. All of this and only this you must consider.

 

 

After considering this, if you still want to stay with your wife, you must forgive her BEFORE the child is born.

[salparadise]

I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason; even when it doesn't seem like a blessing. There is a reason for this....you have to find out what that reason is.

 

The reason is that she cuckolded him while she was ovulating and didn't use protection... in other words, consciously or unconsciously she wanted to make a baby with that other couch squatting dude and trick OP into raising it.

 

Just out of curiosity, are you also a firm believer in the tooth fairy?

 

 

 

...now his worst nightmare has happened: WW has been fornicating with OP (how long?) and low, in 2 months, out popps a baby with the 'good' genes of WW and OM and not with the ugly genes of OP. WW deliberately chose the good genes. Therefore, disqualifying OP. As simple as that.

 

Exactly. Consciously or subconsciously, she achieved what she decided to do. She is just one of those deceitful women with no loyalty, no remorse or no conscience. Otherwise she would've at least avoided phukking the guy while she was ovulating and/or made damn certain she was on birth control.

 

OP, this makes me wonder... were you using condoms or otherwise taking steps to avoid pregnancy, or were you trying to make babies with her too?

 

About the 2 minute pause when you asked her how many times she phukked the other guy... she was calculating the minimum number that might be believable. I laughed out loud when she answered 3. How many times have you had sex with her without conceiving? And he hits the jackpot in 3? Not likely. I'd bet she had been banging him regularly for a long time.

 

I don't think you can believe anything she says. If you hadn't figured it out, the plan was for her to carry on this deception for the rest of your life, and to have you unknowingly raising and this other guy's child thinking it was your own. And who knows how many more times this scenario might have repeated... or will repeat if you don't extricate yourself from this mess asap.

 

I think that your pain is such that you are in denial as to what a horrific offense this actually is, either that or on some level you're taking some kind of pleasure in the humiliation. No sane man with gonads would even contemplate keeping this woman around and trying to rationalize that everything will be ok.

 

This is always going to be a hugely traumatic event to you, and you will never be able to trust this woman again... she still hasn't come clean with all the information. She's still playing you!

 

That child will be a constant reminder, and keep the pain fresh forever. But the pain will lessen over time if you take decisive steps and turn the page. You've still got most of your life in front of you... why would you choose this hell? Open your eyes and see it for what it is!

 

Dropping her off at her parents is perfect. She really ain't your problem anymore... unless you voluntarily participate in her cuckoldry plan and agree to finance the whole thing.

Edited August 14, 2015 by salparadise

[m.snow]

no no no no no no no... absolutely.

 

she is in contact with the om.

 

om wants the child.

 

a recipe for disaster?

 

Two words?

 

"Child Support!"

 

she cheated on you?

 

which country are you from?

[Itwasntme]

Update:

 

Yeah so I've been reading online other people in my situation and it made me realize just how cruel and evil females are(Not all, but I may never trust them again) and the court system seem to be made to put them at advantage in a lot of things and just seems unfair, definitely to men who find out late that they aren't the child father.

 

But point blank I told her we need to separate for a while and I'll buy her a plane ticket back home that way it will take only around 30 mins, (is it even safe for her to fly?) I Called her dad last night to ask if it was alright for her to stay with them, he kinda sounded hesitant but agreed. At that moment she broke out crying hysterically asking me was we divorcing and what she needed to do for my forgiveness. I told her "idk yet but the only thing I'm concerned about is the baby right now". So right now we're packing her bags and she won't stop all this excessive crying.

[m.snow]

divorce as fast as you can! keep the dna result! dont be at the delivery dont buy baby stuff give money if you want but

 

never use your card to buy baby stuff ok!

never use your card with your name to buy baby stuff.

 

its time to leave!

 

good that you know the full name of the OM!

 

courts are not as dumb as they used to be!

-even if you are the husband you can still get off the hook if with in 1 year you can contest the dna result.

(its not on any book but the courts can give exemption.)

 

talk to an attorney pls! pls talk to an attorney!

 

your 28 and too young for this.! you have your whole life ahead of you.

 

please divorce! first and comeback if you really want to be with her after some time maybe. if the om is out of the picture.

please divorce first!

 

i have this ominous feeling that she and om concocted this so you will end up paying for the child. - (evil mind games totally not true)

if your in California or in some few states you'll be paying child support even after college!

 

don't be angry in front of her. convince her to put the om's name on the birth certificate! pls dont give her the angry look and convince her to place the om on the birth certificate.

Edited August 14, 2015 by m.snow

[WomenWubber]

This is one of those situations where you need to be cautious, but at the same time you need to think and make your move quickly.

 

Now that she knows that you know, you need to act immediately. Protect yourself legally now.

[Itwasntme]

divorce as fast as you can! keep the dna result! dont be at the delivery dont buy baby stuff give money if you want but

 

never use your card to buy baby stuff ok!

never use your card with your name to buy baby stuff.

 

its time to leave!

 

good that you know the full name of the OM!

 

courts are not as dumb as they used to be!

-even if you are the husband you can still get off the hook if with in 1 year you can contest the dna result.

(its not on any book but the courts can give exemption.)

 

talk to an attorney pls! pls talk to an attorney!

 

your 28 and too young for this.! you have your whole life ahead of you.

 

please divorce! first and comeback if you really want to be with her after some time maybe. if the om is out of the picture.

please divorce first!

 

i have this ominous feeling that she and om concocted this so you will end up paying for the child. - (evil mind games totally not true)

if your in California or in some few states you'll be paying child support even after college!

 

don't be angry in front of her. convince her to put the om's name on the birth certificate! pls dont give her the angry look and convince her to place the om on the birth certificate.

I live in Texas so would I have to pay child support through college? I know it's a no fault state so what she has done doesn't even matter to them. And yeah that's actually I good idea! I might just divorce and if she wants to get back together and she can work her way up. But wouldn't that just be a waste of money? To divorce but get together again. Like I said I make good money but not to the point I can just blow a few thousands away for no reason.

[trolloperative]

In case you missed almost every poster telling you... see an attorney immediately. ASAP. BEFORE THE CHILD IS BORN. Where I live YOU could end up paying child support to the OM (standard of living issues).

 

Good move kicking her out. You will come to realize there are better options out there. A faithful wife who finds herself bored in a new city gets a hobby and meets new people. Affairs are not extra curricular activities.

[Keenly]

Ask her where her tears were while she was banging another guy behind your back.

[SammySammy]

Ask her where her tears were while she was banging another guy behind your back.

 

Yep.

 

The only reason there are tears now is because she's about to lose access to his income and the easy life he had given her.

[m.snow]

Also with the baby people saying it will hunt me or I'll have to put up with her and him. 1. She said she will do anything needed so the responsibility doesn't fall on me if I don't want 2. She's also willing to put it up for adoption, she said that will kill her but if that's what I want she will do it(but I can't do it either because if I do leave her she will have lost me and her baby which is to evil) .

 

lord almighty that is a text book response for dumping a child on another man!

 

i can find a lot people in google. that this situation happened.

 

wife pregnant by om. wife promises to stay with husband. after a year or two wife leaves bh. and lives with om. while the husband is paying child support.

[m.snow]

I live in Texas so would I have to pay child support through college? I know it's a no fault state so what she has done doesn't even matter to them. And yeah that's actually I good idea! I might just divorce and if she wants to get back together and she can work her way up. But wouldn't that just be a waste of money? To divorce but get together again. Like I said I make good money but not to the point I can just blow a few thousands away for no reason.

 

alleluia Hallelujah alleluia Hallelujah thank God For Texas!

 

its time to divorce her. you have irrefutable evidence of adultery. namely dna testing of the child not yours.

 

i believe that adultery can speed up a divorce.

 

Texas i know has that 1 year to prove the child is not yours.

i know and have read that Texas is one of those states that will give some exemptions if your not the biological father. and even if you are married the child will not be under you in child support since your not the biological father. that is if you divorce your wife.

 

you must divorce know!

 

BUT FIRST TALK TO AN ATTORNEY NOW! by now i mean literally find an attorney now

[Clay]

RUN to the Airport and drop her off. Then RUN to your lawyer and File. Do every thing you can to not be stuck being financially responsible for this child. Even if you decide to stay with her do it after you have absolved yourself of this responsibility. The idiots that made the laws where men were financially responsible for om's children should be the ones paying. Let them see what its like to be burned twice.

 

I know its hard to deal with this but the quicker you get her out the better you will feel. It will take a while to heal but its a better start than having her live there and taking further advantage of you and your good nature.

 

I can't even imagine how your handling this day to day. I can honestly say I would not be doing nearly as well as most. I am sure I would be a complete wreck.

 

C

[HurtHusband]

OP is there anyone you can confide in? A close friend or family member??

 

Just make an appointment to see a solicitor. Tell them the whole story. Let it all out and they will give you good advice. You will feel better after it.

 

It's too late for an abortion. The baby will arrive soon. You sound like a decent sort, but let your wife move back to her family or the OM. It's not your child, it's not your responsibility. Can you imagine that OM being involved in your lives? You don't have a marriage. Your marriage ended when your wife decided to cheat. Are you happy right now? Of course not.. Who put you in this situation? Can you endure feeling like this for years?

 

 

I understand a little bit. My wife had an affair last year with a friend of mine. Did not use protection, got pregnant, than initiated sex with me for the first time in four years. Terrible thing to do and I can't get over it. She had an abortion after she confessed. But at one stage wanted me to raise it! ( the cheek! I told her I wound walk, we have two kids already and the nerve she had to ask me to bring up her married lovers child, it's innocent, she said )

 

 

It's a year later now but speaking from experience. I hate her for what she did and i can never get over it. In my case she is not remorseful and soon after started an emotional affair with an old flame living overseas, flirting with him and asking him to visit. ( he is married with kids too )

 

You have to start detaching yourself from her. This woman will drag you down and you will never be happy with her now that you know her true character...