It's not mine

[eye of the storm]

Itwasntme, I am truly sorry for what you are going thru.

 

Some advice, you are dealing with a massive amount of emotion (natural). The lawyer has one job, to protect your interest. So please listen to them. If they say divorce, do it. If they say file XYZ papers, do it.

 

None of this will affect your ability to have a relationship with either the child or his mother. All it will do it separate things legally. But it will protect your interests in the mean time.

 

It is unfortunate how men can be on the hook for 18+ years for other people's actions but it is a reality. And it is a reality that is difficult for someone going the maelstrom of emotions you are going thru right now to think clearly and rationally. That is why you must listen to the lawyer.

 

Good luck. I wish you peace.

[lollipopspot]

We are saying not to lock himself into court ordered child support for 18 or more years, which is different from us saying a definitive anything else.

 

I agree with you - he needs to think about what he wants, and protect himself if he doesn't want this.

 

But I am also seeing something from OP to indicate that he may want to be a father, even if he isn't the biological one. That's o.k. too. Everyone assumes that he shouldn't want this, but maybe he does.

[m.snow]

itwasntme first I am so sorry for the position you are in. It is so heartbreaking when you are not only betrayed, but then add an OC to the mix. I agree with the posters who said to go to a lawyer to at least see what your rights are.

 

Don't feel bad that you want to take the time you need to decide what is right for you. This is an arduous process surviving infidelity. Not many marriages survive it.

 

I would like to point you to a website but not sure if I can post it here as you cannot receive PMs yet. The website is called surviving infidelity if you are interested and they have a whole thread dedicated to those dealing with OC's.

 

surviving infidelity site, be careful with the people there they want to play house with you,om and wife.

 

they effin believe its ok for you and wife to live together and the om can visit your house to be with the child.

 

i mean whats so wrong with you, wife and om living together? wtf!

yes they have that twisted view.

 

come on dealing with the other child?

Edited August 14, 2015 by m.snow

[m.snow]

Everyone seems to be seeing this as, "Not your child, not your responsibility." But that's perhaps not how he's sees it or wishes it to be.

 

can you be a second dad? maybe like a step father is that what you mean.

 

since the om the biological father wants to be in the child life too.

__________________________________________________________________

 

Itwasntme, wow your some awesome dude at 28 and already earning like 140k+ a year, just wow.

 

would have probably felt different if it was like your second that's the other child but yeah sad its the first one.

the greatest issue is the involvement of the om.

 

did the wife ever call the om to inform him that the child is his?

but the fact that she is emailing om & contacting om. she is still not totally over this om.

 

this is not some ONS got pregnant thing. this is a whole different. a full blown EA/PA.

 

problem is its not like you marrying a single mom. that's gotten over her boy friend.

the reality is that she had an affair and got pregnant.

 

she's an accountant and can earn 50K+ a year maybe even more, she can support herself and the kid.

 

you must do whats best for you with or with out her. as she will be doing whats best for her.

 

but yeah i understand she's a 9 and as you said your a 5-6. hard to let that one slide, but

 

yeah divorce is an option to protect yourself in case she fell out of love for you and for her not to pin the child on you

 

you can still comeback to her if you really love her. after the dust settles.

Edited August 14, 2015 by m.snow

[ladydesigner]

surviving infidelity site, be careful with the people there they want to play house with you,om and wife.

 

they effin believe its ok for you and wife to live together and the om can visit your house to be with the child.

 

i mean whats so wrong with you, wife and om living together? wtf!

yes they have that twisted view.

 

come on dealing with the other child?

 

Be careful of the people on that site:lmao: that's laughable. People are hurting on that site including the people dealing with OC's. Some people can move on after an OC with the OC still being in their lives, others cannot. To judge others poorly for that is not very nice. I was trying to offer a perspective if he was thinking along those lines.

 

I myself could never deal with an OC, but there are those that can and do.

[OldRover]

Be careful of the people on that site:lmao: that's laughable. People are hurting on that site including the people dealing with OC's. Some people can move on after an OC with the OC still being in their lives, others cannot. To judge others poorly for that is not very nice. I was trying to offer a perspective if he was thinking along those lines.

 

I myself could never deal with an OC, but there are those that can and do.

 

 

What's an OC?

[m.snow]

Be careful of the people on that site:lmao: that's laughable. People are hurting on that site including the people dealing with OC's. Some people can move on after an OC with the OC still being in their lives, others cannot. To judge others poorly for that is not very nice. I was trying to offer a perspective if he was thinking along those lines.

 

I myself could never deal with an OC, but there are those that can and do.

 

Be careful of the people on that site - that's my perspective to.

 

cause yeah the term cuckold is not on that site. and they believe some people can live in a house with two men and one wife.

 

your asking him to take more time? exactly for what? time is of the essence here. if he does not act he will be stuck with a third wheel for 18 years.

 

he is 28, a very very young man. he has his life ahead of him.

 

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY GO TO "LADY CHUMP". she'll give you an ear full to run on the other direction.

 

What's an OC?

 

Other Child!

Edited August 14, 2015 by m.snow

[sandylee1]

surviving infidelity site, be careful with the people there they want to play house with you,om and wife.

 

 

This is untrue and advice depends on individual circumstances. For a marriage with no other children, the fact that she wanted to pin the baby on him and the OP being as young as he is.....I'm sure divorce would be strongly advised.

[ShatteredLady]

I agree with others about seeing a lawyer. You don't know how this is going to pan out.

 

My best friend growing-up found out when she was 17 that her Dad wasn't her biological father. Same situation as yours. He stayed married & was always her Dad. When her Mum left when she was 17 & took her younger sister (his biological) she chose to stay with her "Dad" because he needed her & she loved him to bits! The most important relationship they have is with eachother, father & daughter.

Ok the marriage eventually failed but they had all those years. I don't know! You sound like a lovely, principled man. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Whatever you choose, protect yourself & do what feels right to you. Life is full of choices, some turn out fantastic & some terrible. I don't know...

[road]

What's an OC?

 

 

As in OW, OM, OC is a result of an affair.

[m.snow]

As in OW, OM, OC is a result of an affair.

 

yes, an OC is the other child, a child born from an affair. an illegitimate child, love child, fruit of adultery,child born without benefit of clergy, nullius filius, bastard.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

another option you could do is a post nup? talk to your attorney about it.

but then again. that wont stop people from cheating. but you'd be secure financially.

 

there is a slight chance for Reconciliation but. that's a very small chance that it would work out.

 

as you said their affair is over but that might just be your assumption, note that she is still emailing him.

 

she will be going back to san antonio, dont forget that the om is there and they may have meet ups.

 

the worst case scenario is that om convinces ww to put you in the birth certificate.

 

at one point you said you believe in god and that things happen for a reason. probably a blessing for you to find out this early in the relationship that the child is not yours. imagine what would have happened if you had found out some years later.

 

if you still want to stay with your ww

best thing is to divorce , make sure your not the presumed father of the child.

and if the om does not come to pick up the child after 1 year and a half.

i believe that texas has one of those you can adopt and legally remove OM from the picture or the child's life.

but the inherit problem with this arrangement is that you want the child for the wife.

 

but the safest option would be a clean break divorce. no string attached and you move on with your life. hassle free find a new woman.

 

i wish you the best dude!

Edited August 15, 2015 by m.snow

[Itwasntme]

Updated: ok so I had woke up with her in bed next to me hugging me!!!! If her ass wasn't pregnant I probably would of pushed her ass Out of the bed, but since that isn't the case I woke her up as nicely as possible and asked he to exit the room. After that we sat down and had the affair talk which I have been putting off and it's finally decided we are getting a divorce. Idk if me and her will ever get back together that will depend on her,God, and how I feel after this whole ordeal but for now I want to just focus on the divorce. And here's what I've learned

 

1. I asked how long? She said it started in September of last year and ended in February when she found out she was pregnant.(so that only three times thing was a lie)

 

2. I asked why? She said she got caught caught up in his lies and the attention he was giving her but outside of that there wasn't any other reasons she could give.

 

3. I asked had they done it in our old place? She said once(but not in our bedroom, she could never do that) and the rest was either at his brother house or in her car.

 

4. Even though I wish i hadn't, curiosity killed the cat and I asked about the sex. I'll spare you the details but let me say that she did thing with him that she told me she would never ever do.

 

5.i asked her about messaging the OM? She said that she had cut all contact off with him after she ended the affair in Feb but about a month ago he messaged her wanting to know how she was doing? She said she only message back because she couldn't deal with the guilt alone and had to confide in somebody, but she kept the conversation strictly about the situation. I asked didn't my Best friend wife know? She said yeah she knew about the affair but it caused them to have a falling out and they stop talking to each other. She said she actually thought the wife was going to tell on her.(which she never did)

 

6. I asked did she love the OM and want to get back with him? She yelled hell no! I was the only one she loved and even if I left her she had no plans to ever go back with him

 

7. I asked how she felt about the baby being the OM? She said she is disgusted to say that the baby is even his and not mine.

 

8. I asked Would she had ended the affair if she didn't get pregnant? She said she couldn't give me a definite yes but more then likely she would of seeing as we were moving and around that time she had realized just how much she loved me.

 

9. I asked when did she plan on telling me that there was a chance the baby Wasn't mine or did she even plan on telling me? She said of course she planned on telling me, only problem is that even though guilt and doubt was eating her alive she still needed to believe that it was my kid and plus she seen how happy I was to be a father so she hadn't planned to tell me anytime soon.

 

10. Lasted I asked her did she really love me and how she planned to fix her mess she made? And she said of course she loved me and never stopped(that piss me off and I went on a long ass rant). As for how she planned to fix her mess. She said she would do anything needed such as IC,MC,separation,adoption again, me having a affair, divorcing and working her way up from ground zero, and the part that scares me is she said even if I left her to move on she would continue to try and win me back.

 

So I told her that I was going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow, get some divorce papers and if she really wanted to prove that she would do anything , she would sign a prenup I'll have for her. She started crying again but after 5 or so minutes she calm down and agreed to comply "if that is what it it takes. So yeah that's all for now

Edited August 15, 2015 by Itwasntme

[Ms. Red]

Updated: ok so I had woke up with her in bed next to me hugging me!!!! If her ass wasn't pregnant I probably would of pushed her ass Out of the bed, but since that isn't the case I woke her up as nicely as possible and asked he to exit the room. After that we sat down and had the affair talk which I have been putting off and it's finally decided we are getting a divorce. Idk if me and her will ever get back together that will depend on her,God, and how I feel after this whole ordeal but for now I want to just focus on the divorce. And here's what I've learned

 

1. I asked how long? She said it started in September of last year and ended in February when she found out she was pregnant.(so that only three times thing was a lie)

 

So you were still in the honeymoon phase of your marriage when things are supposed to be the greatest.

 

7. I asked how she felt about the baby being the OM? She said she is disgusted to say that the baby is even his and not mine.

 

I hope she never lets that feeling reflect on how she loves or treats the child. Poor kid.

 

 

So I told her that I was going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow, get some divorce papers and if she really wanted to prove that she would do anything ,she would sign a prenup I'll have for her.She started crying again but after 5 or so minutes she calm down and agreed to comply "if that is what it it takes. So yeah that's all for now

 

Do you mean a postnup?

 

Are you still sending her off to her parents? I suggested that earlier because I think you could use the alone time without her emotional influence on you. Maybe you can see how you feel when she really is gone. And also have plenty of time to figure out how you want to proceed regarding the child in your life or not.

 

Such a tough situation. [[[[[HUGS]]]]] I wish you well.

[eric1]

I'm going to echo this - a baby will change the equation forever. Yours or not.

 

You need to get her to her parents ASAP, she needs to select new doctors, etc and it's not like she has a ton of time left.

[m.snow]

If your gonna send her home, there's a chance she will meet with the om?

 

unbelievable unprotected sex with another man from sept to feb?

 

they phacked in the house, wtf. ((deal breaker))

 

the house is hallowed ground for the family.

the house is a sacred place and sacred space. wtf!

 

haven't she heard of "don't sheit where you eat"?

 

best to divorce her and after a year. if th om is out of the picture maybe.

 

maybe then you can get back together.

 

but divorce her first.

Edited August 15, 2015 by m.snow

[sandylee1]

Wow...The cheek of her sneaking into bed with you.

 

All you have here is regret on her side. A woman who tries to deceive a man he is the father of her child, is just cruel and heartless in my opinion.

 

I've always said from my late teens, that if I ever got pregnant and didn't know who the father was, I'd terminate it. If nobody else knows the father of a child, the mother should. That's why sleeping with more than one man at a time has deeper implications for women.

 

Good for you proceeding with divorce. Personally I feel that when a BS puts up with extreme cases of infidelity, then you're viewed as a doormat. Cheating this early in your marriage......no way. I'm not saying cheating 10/20 years in is okay, but if she's falling for the advances of another man at this stage of marriage, there's no hope.

 

Please ensure your name is not on the birth certificate and even though you want to divorce, tell her that if your name is on the BC that you will NEVER EVER get back with her. That's the very least she can do.

[TX-SC]

You have made the right choice. Divorce and have her seek child support from the OM. If you want to later pursue a relationship with her again, do so after the divorce is final and you have time to work out your issues. But, you may be better off starting a NEW relationship with someone you can actually trust. There are plenty of women out there who will be faithful. It takes trust to have a relationship. That trust is now gone for you and your wife.

[Bryanp]

She is a real piece of work.

[No Limit]

Can you sell the house? Don't worry, the love for her will fade in no time and then you'll finally be able to move on properly. It takes a very "special" person to bring AP home for sex and to pass their child off as yours.

 

Again, she's telling you what you want to hear hoping you'll change your mind about wanting a divorce. She would have never ended the affair (unless he had dumped her), and she would have never told you or the child about its true paternity. Also inform OM that he'll be a daddy soon, hope he isn't broke.

[eric1]

The best & most sympathetic thing that you can do for her is advise her to retain all communication with her boyfriend.

[Itwasntme]

So you were still in the honeymoon phase of your marriage when things are supposed to be the greatest.

 

 

 

I hope she never lets that feeling reflect on how she loves or treats the child. Poor kid.

 

 

 

 

Do you mean a postnup?

 

Are you still sending her off to her parents? I suggested that earlier because I think you could use the alone time without her emotional influence on you. Maybe you can see how you feel when she really is gone. And also have plenty of time to figure out how you want to proceed regarding the child in your life or not.

 

Such a tough situation. [[[[[HUGS]]]]] I wish you well.

yeah I mean postnup.

 

And she is already on her way now.

[sandylee1]

 

And she is already on her way now.

 

Excellent. Let her parents look after her. They brought her into this world and parental love should be unconditional.

 

Good luck with the lawyers appointment.

[Itwasntme]

If your gonna send her home, there's a chance she will meet with the om?

 

unbelievable unprotected sex with another man from sept to feb?

 

they phacked in the house, wtf. ((deal breaker))

 

the house is hallowed ground for the family.

the house is a sacred place and sacred space. wtf!

 

haven't she heard of "don't sheit where you eat"?

 

best to divorce her and after a year. if th om is out of the picture maybe.

 

maybe then you can get back together.

 

but divorce her first.

right now if she goes to the other OM I will just take that as a sign for she chose him and I'll be done with her for good, I'll go total NC unless it's about the baby. So As long as she signs the postnup and the divorce papers I won't care what she does, she's a grown ass women and can make her own choices. I'm not going to be begging her not to see other man or any of that crap. Idk if we will get back together but that's the quickest way possible to ensure we don't, I've told her I'm not going to be dealing with the OM.

 

And yeah they did it in the guest room! Where my mother sleeps when she visits, hell where her mother and father sleeps when they visit. They did it in more locations but she some how thought it was wrong to do it in our bedroom?

[AlwaysGrowing]

You have been bombarded with a ton of new info...and just as many gaps.

 

It takes a long time to process this much info/lack of....months...even years later a missing piece or needing clarity will pop into your mind...something that just doesn't fit.

 

One thing that popped out for me...was that it wasn't until she was pregnant that she "chose" a side. Being with child...she chose the better overall man/husband/father/provider...you. Her intent was to pass this child off as yours...PERIOD. She maintained contact...confided in her co-conspirator...the OM. Don't think for one second...he was going to take on the financial role...he was going to be the best "uncle"...when your wife/child came to visit.

 

How likely do you think it is...that your WW had any lines that she would not cross? She was having public sex in a car, sex in your friends house.....sex that she never does with you....all unprotected...with friends of yours in the know. Would she really draw the line at your bed...once they are already in your house?

 

Her realization of how much she loved you...surprisingly coincides with her pregnancy.......and the consequences for her/the child. Isn't it more likely...that her self-preservation mode kicked in...and she automatically went into damage control?

 

Your wife even managed to give herself a reward...SAHW/M. That is how guilty she felt...that you might not be the father...she handed you the full financial bill of her life.

 

You are young...life is way too short to embroil yourself in this much bull...so early in life.

 

Take care of yourself.

[aliveagain]

A post nuptial agreement is for a couples that has agreed to reconciliation and the agreement gives the betrayed spouse a greater share of the marital assets if they divorce because of a new infidelity. This type of agreement works with a spouse who won't honour marriage boundaries and is more concerned with loosing a lifestyle. That still leaves you raising another mans child that your wife willing made with her affair partner. My ex actually wanted other mans child, she wanted to have something of his to hold on to but with me paying to raise him, she was never going to tell me the truth, I wasn't supposed to find out.

 

You will spend the rest of your life dealing with this, some things just can't be fixed because fixing it means you eat another sh*t sandwich. How much of you are you willing to loose over a woman that bangs another dude in your own home? This is her problem, you can walk away and still have a great life with someone that thinks your a 10 and is 100% committed to you. She's out there but you'll never meet her as long as you waste time in this mind fu*k of a marriage. Get rid of the friends, a friend would have exposed the affair to you. Maybe the room they conceived their love child can become the baby room if you stay together.

Edited August 15, 2015 by aliveagain