Help identifying abuse in relationship/marriage

[skinut2234]

Need a little help- Maybe someone who has been there can assist.

Have a good friend who is woman and I just met the husband.... She painted this picture of a "great guy"- that worships her and paints this "Rosy" picture of their relationship.

 

Long story short- spent more time with "them" and the guys is a complete A-shole (which does not make him abuser)- but I sensed some things in the way they interacted that cause me concern... (Mind you this doens't necessarily mean physical abuse)- could be other type- verbal- control etc......

 

Examples:

 

- No matter how he treated or talked to her- she always smiled and complied- like she was afraid to disobey

- When asked if she is happy she says- Yes but "No one understands him like I do" (meaning he is really a nice guy) always defending him

- She Spends fair amount of time out of house

- He seems to be rude and nasty to everyone around her and her family....

- very tough with their child- harps on him constantly (they have a 5 year old son)

- Watches her every move like a hawk.....

 

Not sure if there are signs or not- What else to look for??

Want to help (but stay out of it)- Just not sure how to identify if there is something going on without coming out and asking?? (don't want to be wrong and insult her I guess)

[TUDOR]

I would stay out of it and when and if you see signs of physical abuse then you should say something especially if it involves the kid. Some people's styles are just different than our own but she has a child with this man and is married to him for her own reasons. Trust her judgment but no harm in keeping an eye out for a friend.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I don't think you have seen enough to be sure, but it sounds like it could be verbal/emotional abuse, which in its own way, can be just as bad as physical. Actually, the fact that he does all of that in front of you, may suggest that he is just an a-hole, rather than a true abuser who feeds on keeping his partner weak and under his complete control, and maybe he is not an a-hole to her when others are not around. It's hard to say. Emotional abusers like to be seen as the nice guy by everyone else - it is their spouse (who is "nuts" to everybody else, because "[abuser] is such a nice guy") that they get gratification from emotionally torturing day after day, and controlling obsessively. If she is extremely or obsessively compliant, it may just be because she knows that is when he is at his nicest, and she doesn't want the monster to come out. Then again, she may just really be into him and love him. It's actually NOT a fine line (people generally are, or are not emotional abusers), but it is not always easy to tell looking in from outside, without being able to see how things are when nobody else is around.

 

Will your friend talk to you about things the H does or says to her when you are not actually around? Does he say things like "I wouldn't do that, if you would only be a better wife", or "a good wife should _____"? Google emotional abuse. There are a couple good sites that will pop up, and you can talk with your friend comparing what she describes to the factors on those sites (perhaps without letting her know what you are doing if you do not wish to get involved before you know). Other factors to consider are whether she has talked about leaving him in the past, and soon thereafter declared that "he has changed". That is very common, and almost universal. True emotional abusers usually drive their victims to a point just below the point at which they think they will take action, then back off for a while, convince their partner they are different now, perhaps buy her an expensive gift or pet or does something else to make her feel indebted to him or trapped (either will do), and 9 times out of 10, the victim buys the abuser's crap because she wants to, and dutifully goes back to be abused some more.

 

Unfortunately, having known and loved someone who is horribly emotionally (and worse) abused, and who struggled and failed to break free of that, I can tell you that it is up to her to admit to herself what is going on. You can't make her, you can't convince her, and denial ain't just a river in Egypt. It doesn't matter how clear it becomes, she still has to want to put a stop to it before you have any shot at all at helping her. Often, people who are abused, just remake themselves in the image of "what a good wife should be" to their abusive partner, in hopes of keeping the monster at bay a little longer rather than actually doing something meaningful to make a change and get out. It works, to a degree, to extend the "honeymoon period" (see "cycle of abuse" on those websites), but in the end, an abuser is an abuser, and the controlling jerk will always come back to level her and tear her down when he decides that she is just a bit too happy, or self-confident, or does something that he percieves as loosening his grip on her (such as go for a promotion, or in extreme cases, even try to get a job or an education or leave the house too often). Years of this type of treatment can even lead to real mental illness in the victim (of course proving the abuser "right" in the eyes of all the friends and family he has co-opted - "SEE, it was my crazy wife all along, and now I'm a martyr for staying with her - admire me everybody").

 

Good luck, and I hope your friend is not married to an emotional abuser. If she is, the odds of you being able to snap her out of it, and help her, are not stacked in your favor. Oh, and if there is a kid involved, your chances of helping her if the guy is an abuser drop even further. Being in a home environment where emotional abuse is going on, is incredibly destructive to a child, but he will use the kid as a wedge to get her to stay anyway, and lay an enormous guilt trip on her (and will deny the abuse and get all of her friends and family to help him deal with the "crazy wife" and convince her to stay).

 

Just hope he isn't really an abuser - but you should still do your best to subtly find out.