Why Married Women Cheat

[Furious]

Well trust me when I say that someone living in the house with you who just plain WON'T touch you is pretty devastating, and just "deciding not to want intimacy anymore" isn't really, IMO, a healthy choice. I tried it. It is like trying not to have hazel eyes.

 

It's a little like telling someone who has a broken leg that their pain will go away if they can just be content with the fracture.

 

How awful for you. Since you have said you think cheating is wrong no matter what, I assume you didn't cheat and hopefully divorced your husband. You deserved better than spending the rest of your life with someone who couldn't touch you.

[jen1447]

To come back around to the front for a sec, heather, I have to ask what you thought was gonna happen when you shared a bunch of body pics on a troll forum.

 

(Hugs and cuddles, not picking on you but you kinda stepped in it by doing that.)

[Male]

I don't know. Don't you have a "Must Have" list for your future wife?

 

Just the basics. Good communication, respectful, smart, etc.

 

But I cant even get women to reply to me on dating sites, so I cant really think about "future wife" stuff right now.

[xxoo]

I never ever contemplated how sex would be on my "What I want in a husband List." I just assumed that I'd marry someone who'd want to rip my clothes off all the time. I never expected this.

 

This isn't a realistic expectation of marriage.

[autumnnight]

How awful for you. Since you have said you think cheating is wrong no matter what, I assume you didn't cheat and hopefully divorced your husband. You deserved better than spending the rest of your life with someone who couldn't touch you.

 

It was awful. I wasn't perfect either of course. And neither of us dealt with all the issues in our marriage in the best ways.

 

However, I was speaking specifically to the idea that it is "easy" to just decide not to need intimacy anymore.

[autumnnight]

This isn't a realistic expectation of marriage.

 

Depends on whose marriage you are talking about. But generally, those big highs don't last 50 years. Marriage ebbs and flows. However, if all it ever does is ebbs, it gets tough.

[Furious]

TBH the sex in our relationship is improving.

 

This past weekend we had decent sex. For me though, it's not the actual act of him being inside me, it's feeling like I'm so incredibly desirable that he must f*ck me.

 

After years of almost no sex whatsoever it's difficult to feel desirable with him.

 

He gives me compliments and is affectionate but I have trouble believing he WANT'S me. I like that feeling.

 

Sounds like he's trying to make you feel special. He's being affectionate and giving you compliments.

[autumnnight]

Sounds like he's trying to make you feel special. He's being affectionate and giving you compliments.

 

He is trying to step out in his own way. Appreciating his efforts will likely fuel the fire.

 

I never would have believed this, but for some men, sex and physical intimacy really ISN'T on their internal radar. We grow up hearing that men think about it 50 times a day and any 25 year old guy who isn't constantly wanting a woman must be gay blah blah.....

 

That really isn't the case. However, it sounds like your husband may have something many of those men do not: he actually loves you more than he loves his comfort zone and wants to start trying. You have no idea how big that is. MOST men I have heard of without the "sex machine gene" (a term one of my friends coined) just try to wait out their wives, hoping menopause will take away the drive. Your hubby is trying to reach out.

[Heatherknows]

To come back around to the front for a sec, heather, I have to ask what you thought was gonna happen when you shared a bunch of body pics on a troll forum.

 

(Hugs and cuddles, not picking on you but you kinda stepped in it by doing that.)

 

Well...it WAS a site where posting bathing suit pictures was the norm. So..(and I'm being honest so I get points for that at least) I figured I get a bunch of responses like "OMG you're so beautiful, hot, sexy, fantastic...etc. comments. Then I'd get a whole bunch of flirty PM's saying the same stuff. And I'd say..."Awww thanks " and my ego would feel good. LOL. When I got the more direct PM's I got a little flustered but figured I could handle it cause I'm all grown up and stuff. But apparently, I didn't handle it very well. Nope. In fact it was a huge mess and I lost my mind (slightly) and that's never a good thing.

[Heatherknows]

Just the basics. Good communication, respectful, smart, etc.

 

But I cant even get women to reply to me on dating sites, so I cant really think about "future wife" stuff right now.

 

You should do a thread regarding this.

[Heatherknows]

He is trying to step out in his own way. Appreciating his efforts will likely fuel the fire.

 

I never would have believed this, but for some men, sex and physical intimacy really ISN'T on their internal radar. We grow up hearing that men think about it 50 times a day and any 25 year old guy who isn't constantly wanting a woman must be gay blah blah.....

 

That really isn't the case. However, it sounds like your husband may have something many of those men do not: he actually loves you more than he loves his comfort zone and wants to start trying. You have no idea how big that is. MOST men I have heard of without the "sex machine gene" (a term one of my friends coined) just try to wait out their wives, hoping menopause will take away the drive. Your hubby is trying to reach out.

 

I know! Trust me I KNOW I've got a good solid man that women would kill for. However my slutish body isn't always so appreciative of that fact.

 

[autumnnight]

I know! Trust me I KNOW I've got a good solid man that women would kill for. However my slutish body isn't always so appreciative of that fact.

 

 

Question: what would your husband do if you told him one morning, "Hey honey, take your B12 today because I have our whole evening planned...and it's gonna start with (insert something flirty here)." Then you set up a "seduce the husband" evening.

 

Would he hide under a chair, or would he be open to seeing Heather's imagination (at least the first level)?

[Heatherknows]

Question: what would your husband do if you told him one morning, "Hey honey, take your B12 today because I have our whole evening planned...and it's gonna start with (insert something flirty here)." Then you set up a "seduce the husband" evening.

 

Would he hide under a chair, or would he be open to seeing Heather's imagination (at least the first level)?

 

Depending upon his mood he may or may not find that idea interesting.

[understand50]

Depending upon his mood he may or may not find that idea interesting.

 

Yeah,

 

That is true for all of us men.

 

Now if you had mentioned a bowling ball, whipped cream, and a swing.......

[Popsicle]

I think that there are romantic people and aromantic people. I think we are born this way and it can't be changed. Unfortunately, sometimes a romantic person marries an aromantic person, and this is a sad mismatch. They will both torture each other.

[salparadise]

I never would have believed this, but for some men, sex and physical intimacy really ISN'T on their internal radar. We grow up hearing that men think about it 50 times a day and any 25 year old guy who isn't constantly wanting a woman must be gay blah blah.....

 

 

Oh I don't think it's that such men don't have sex on their internal radar... if they have normal hormone levels (T) then the want aspect is surely working.

 

But there are many psychological and relationship issues that can shut it down for a particular person, wife included. The madonna-whore complex is more common than you might imagine, and all kinds of fears and insecurities from humiliation, criticism, shame to performance anxiety to religious indoctrination to a grossly overactive superego.. perhaps maybe even layers of these.

 

And once a relationship starts down the path of demanding, withholding and dearth of appreciation... well, that is likely to cause the expression of desire to retreat into the fantasy realm and perhaps the object as well.

 

My ex-wife had a way of throttling my desire for marital relations but that didn't have any effect on my overall level of horniness. It's amazing that I lasted more than two decades without cheating (strong superego), because I sure had some gorgeous women presenting opportunities rather explicitly during those years.

 

I think this area is a key part of the chemistry we all need to make a relationship successful... someone who happens to have the right elements of attractiveness and a personality that intuitively activates rather than shutting it down.

 

My theory is that it all comes down to acceptance and appreciation, and the way it's expressed or not.

Edited August 19, 2015 by salparadise

[Heatherknows]

I think this area is a key part of the chemistry we all need to make a relationship successful... someone who just happens to have the nuance of attractiveness and a personality that intuitively knows how to activate it rather than shutting it down.

 

The funny thing is I never had a problem turning men on. It was easy. Years of sexual indifference from my husband really shot the hell out of my ego. I became desperate for sexual attention from men I found attractive. (I still didn't want sexual attention from men I don't find attractive. That still makes me sick.)

 

I threw myself at this last guy in front of a community of mostly homosexual aging bodybuilders. They hated me so much. If I saw a girl throwing herself at a man I'd just sit back and watch. Maybe I'd feel bad for her but I wouldn't make her feel worse. I'd probably tell her she looks pretty to make her feel better. But you should have seen the absolute rage these people had against me. This man started flirting with me aggressively on the forum and I responded just as aggressive. Then he went cold and pushed me away which played havoc on my self-esteem and I kept trying different things to get him interested again. Then he'd give me just enough attention to keep me obsessed and interested. It was pathetic. The people loved him and hated me. That experience was terrible but it's over and that's good.

Edited August 19, 2015 by Heatherknows

[autumnnight]

There is a misnomer that if spouse A doesn't want sex, spouse B must have beaten or damaged the drive out of them.

 

This misnomer is not always the case. In fact, I would posit it is not USUALLY the case.

 

Not everyone starving of sex is starving because it is their fault.

[xxoo]

TBH the sex in our relationship is improving. This past weekend we had decent sex. For me though, it's not the actual act of him being inside me, it's feeling like I'm so incredibly desirable that he must f*ck me. After years of almost no sex whatsoever it's difficult to feel desirable with him. He gives me compliments and is affectionate but I have trouble believing he WANT'S me. I like that feeling.

 

If you can get your relationship to the point of regular, loving, satisfying sex (he takes care to provide you with pleasure), will that be enough?

 

If what you really need is not sex, but rather someone showing great desire for you, that's not a realistic expectation for marriage. You are looking for your marriage to "fix" your own issue. You need to address that need on your own so that you can be a good spouse.

[2.50 a gallon]

Divorce is not always on option, especially if there are kids involved.

Two of the married women that I had sex with had found that their husbands had fallen in love with something else. One husband was obsessed with golf. He was never around for weekends, even so much as flying out on Friday to come back Sunday night. The other was obsessed with car racing.

The status of the women, had been changed from wife to nanny of their children. Sex for them was a once or twice weekly, for the husband to get his rocks off.

Both women had long given up on their marriages and looked into divorce.

In both cases they would have to move and put their homes up for sale. The golfer's wife was unwilling to disrupt her kids schooling. The kids had great friends they had known since kindergarten, liked their schools, made great grades and were just starting high school. She feared moving to a lesser neighborhood, with the likely hood of gangs, would be disastrous to them at that point in their life. So she put off divorce for another 7 years.

The racer wife found that her husband had them so deeply in debt that she too had to stay until the kids got out of high school and into college.

Neither was no longer willing to put up with a sexless marriage until they were in their 40's, so was getting some on the side.

[Heatherknows]

If you can get your relationship to the point of regular, loving, satisfying sex (he takes care to provide you with pleasure), will that be enough?

 

If what you really need is not sex, but rather someone showing great desire for you, that's not a realistic expectation for marriage. You are looking for your marriage to "fix" your own issue. You need to address that need on your own so that you can be a good spouse.

 

I thought most women enjoyed feeling desired?

[xxoo]

I thought most women enjoyed feeling desired?

 

Yes, of course! But it seems like having sex with you doesn't convince you of his desire, and you need something more.

[Heatherknows]

Yes, of course! But it seems like having sex with you doesn't convince you of his desire, and you need something more.

 

That sounds about right. I'm so messed up. LOL.

[xxoo]

That sounds about right. I'm so messed up. LOL.

 

Maybe, if sex became regular again, that need for further validation would fade. Maybe it is amplified because of the rejection.

 

If not, you'll need to address that part yourself. A normal, healthy sexual relationship does not include one person constantly reassuring the other that they are still desirable. It's a mutual sharing of pleasure and connection.

[Furious]

Maybe, if sex became regular again, that need for further validation would fade. Maybe it is amplified because of the rejection.

 

If not, you'll need to address that part yourself. A normal, healthy sexual relationship does not include one person constantly reassuring the other that they are still desirable. It's a mutual sharing of pleasure and connection.

 

 

Everyone likes being admired, appreciated, complimented...etc....but if validation is someone's constant primary focus, it may have more underlying factors that need to be addressed.

 

Self esteem is healthy and comes from within, but if self esteem is solely dependant on external validation chances are it will be a cycle of highs and lows. In a way it's a kind of addiction when only seeing yourself through other peoples eyes.