Why Married Women Cheat

[Heatherknows]

Bored is as boring does.

 

What, other than sex and romance, can provide you with that feeling of being alive and full of passion?

 

I'm married, with kids, in my 40s. Things that make me feel amazing include my work, my sports (getting fitter and stronger, challenging myself), dressing to turn heads on an evening out, walking the beach in a bikini. When possible, I love to travel. I enjoy walking the woods and taking photographs of tiny things I discover, skateboarding, paddle boarding, kayaking (I'm going to miss summer so much!!!).

 

What makes you feel alive? Feed your soul.

 

And if you want attention, believe me. A 40 something mom skateboarding with her young son gets attention

 

You're funny. You sound like my mom. My mom is AWESOME and she'll list so many things like "Honey why don't you take a pottery class. That would be fun." LOL I read my posts on this site and I'm not unaware that I sound like a spoiled middle age woman who doesn't appreciate what she has. That is sort of true. But there is more to it than just that aspect. I'm in my 40's and still don't feel comfortable in my own skin and have problems figuring out what to do with my time. I've spent lots of time doing social work and volunteer work since I've heard helping others makes you a good person. So I'm going to try that again. I'll go back to my volunteer work with dogs. I would hate for my time on this Earth to be spent on being selfish but at the same time I'm looking for that spark that shinning light that gets me going. I need to find a heathy spark that won't hurt me or those who have been so kind to be a part of my life. Looking for it is a challenge.

[Heatherknows]

The way he was acting with you, I think he forgot that he was married. He thought he was a single man! I think my xMM did that too. It was so bizarre. Made me convinced that some married people in A's feel like they are single when they are with their AP. Anyways, It was all fantasy. I'm glad you want a good life now. I don't remember, but have you tried to talk to you H? BS's around here usually advocate confessing the A to your spouse (I done agree btw). I'm really surprised the haven't hammered that home with you like they usually do.

 

Isn't so massively confusing! They make you think you're the most amazing beautiful woman on the face of this Earth. Then act cold, distant and weird. Plus, I suspect he is telling tales about me to his forum friends. The things he said to me about the girl he saw in Cali were terrible. If he talks bad about her I'm sure he is talking bad about me. (Not that I should care but I do.) It was a hellish roller coaster and I kept thinking "What's wrong with me? Why am I doing this? God help me."

 

My husband knows a couple of things. He knows who this guy is and that I was into him and flirting with him online. He even knows that this guy went to Cali to meet with the other girl. He doesn't know that I spoke with the guy on the phone and he doesn't know that I ALMOST met him in person. If he knew that he would hate me. So my husband knows I flirted and liked a creepy online sexual pervert. If I'm ever stupid enough to go back on that site and make another account I will tell my husband because I'm sure that I would have lost my mind. At this point the OM frightens me. I just want him to forget I ever existed. I want to never EVER look at that website again and I want to be a good person and a great wife. I'm so tired.

[xxoo]

I'm in my 40's and still don't feel comfortable in my own skin and have problems figuring out what to do with my time.

 

40s are some of the busiest years in most people's lives. Typically, these are prime career years, many have older kids with busy schedules and college prep, and then there are aging parents who may begin to need help with some issues. I could argue that they are meant to be busy. So I can see how a lot of idle time at this age could leave a person feeling unsettled and restless.

 

Is your husband busy? How does he spend his time?

 

Do you feel that you've developed as an adult in the past 20 years?

[Heatherknows]

40s are some of the busiest years in most people's lives. Typically, these are prime career years, many have older kids with busy schedules and college prep, and then there are aging parents who may begin to need help with some issues. I could argue that they are meant to be busy. So I can see how a lot of idle time at this age could leave a person feeling unsettled and restless.

 

Is your husband busy? How does he spend his time?

 

Do you feel that you've developed as an adult in the past 20 years?

 

My husband has a good job that keeps him very busy. I don't have kids and although I've tried my best to develop job skills and find a career it never seemed to work out. In fact, the years that I did work were the worst years of our marriage because we were both so stressed and nobody had energy to properly take care of the home. It is better now that I'm home but obviously I'm struggling with some bad stuff.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Because it makes them feel good & they don't think there'll be consequences or don't care. They also don't really love their husbands.

[Heatherknows]

Because it makes them feel good & they don't think there'll be consequences or don't care. They also don't really love their husbands.

 

You don't think a woman who loves her husband could cheat on him? You're entitled to your feelings but I don't agree.

[Dlucio1]

Hi Heather, One reason which came to mind and which I read about is that it is a cry for help on the part of the woman. Often women find themselves in a marriage where they ate neglected by their husbands who may be too busy building his career or business and although both partners love each other other interests which occupy their minds especially true of high flying husbands, the other partner, in this case the wife feels neglected. This is true in the case of husbands who may similarly feel neglected with the due result. In such cases the cheating spouse (wife) deliberately leaves clues of her infidelity because she wants her husband to find out and confront her after which the resulting melt down offer s a way out for both parties to resolve matters. Of course it should be understood that the underlying bond between the partners is actually very strong. It is an unusual type of case and probably happens very rarely.

A cry for help. i have been very angry and telling my husband that i am not happy. He neglects me more. I try to get him jelous and start arguments because i want his love. I desire so much for him to pay me all the attention like he did with his EA partner (ex very 1st gf) He doesnt want to have sex w me yet he wants me home cleaning and taking care of the home and kids. I am lonely and heartbroken. My point is IF u love ur husband no matter what u will not cheat. End of story. But my husband hasnt slept eith me in 2 yrs and avoids it. He wont tell me why. He just tells me he is tired and stressed. Where do i get my needs met? Its difficult but i will not cheat because i love him. Finally working on legal separation because he has ignored me since his EA.

[Dlucio1]

Because it makes them feel good & they don't think there'll be consequences or don't care. They also don't really love their husbands.

 

That is true. They dont love their husbands.

[Heatherknows]

A cry for help. i have been very angry and telling my husband that i am not happy. He neglects me more. I try to get him jelous and start arguments because i want his love. I desire so much for him to pay me all the attention like he did with his EA partner (ex very 1st gf) He doesnt want to have sex w me yet he wants me home cleaning and taking care of the home and kids. I am lonely and heartbroken. My point is IF u love ur husband no matter what u will not cheat. End of story. But my husband hasnt slept eith me in 2 yrs and avoids it. He wont tell me why. He just tells me he is tired and stressed. Where do i get my needs met? Its difficult but i will not cheat because i love him. Finally working on legal separation because he has ignored me since his EA.

 

 

I'm sorry that your marriage didn't work out. I do hope you find someone who fulfills your needs.

[Heatherknows]

It's embarrassing to admit to cheating and why one does it. I'm being honest because I want to change and if I confess why I do messed up things I figure maybe I'll heal faster. It's also why I decided to post my real picture. (I might take it down.) I'm trying to change the real me for my real life.

Edited August 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote of deleted post redacted

[William]

Folks, I left the last posting from the thread starter intact and want to remind members to focus on the topic. LoveShack.org welcomes all members who wish to discuss their interpersonal relationships and no member is requested or required to read or respond to anything on our forums. It's purely voluntary. We hope you find something helpful and useful here. Thanks and please continue!

[Male]

It's embarrassing to admit to cheating and why one does it. I'm being honest because I want to change and if I confess why I do messed up things I figure maybe I'll heal faster. It's also why I decided to post my real picture. (I might take it down.) I'm trying to change the real me for my real life.

 

You are definitely doing the right thing by talking about your situation. Hopefully there will be some people in the same situation as you that will volunteer their time and experiences.

 

Women cheat for many different reasons, but what I've usually heard from professionals, is that most women only cheat when unhappy. Men will likely cheat even if everything is great, just to feed their ego and insecurities.

Edited August 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[autumnnight]

The need for attention

 

The need to be desired

 

The need for sexual satisfaction.

So let's talk about these needs. Are they valid? Are they assumed to be part of a healthy marriage? Did ANYONE on here marry assuming NONE of those needs would be met?

 

So when you go years without those needs being met AND you talk AND you improve yourself AND you beg for counseling AND you try to woo your spouse and and and and

 

 

And you live in a real world where it takes both your incomes and your kids are small and there's no family nearby and your church says that Jesus will cry and cut off your head if you divorce....

 

Then what DO you do? Obviously, you should never ever cheat - it is absolutely wrong.

 

But I'd like for one actually HONEST and objective person to tell me the answer to the above is "easy."

 

Note: I MADE IT CLEAR CHEATING IS UNJUSTIFIABLE AND NOT THE ANSWER.

 

But it's real easy [] to tell someone "just leave" or "just do without" as if it is like deciding to wear a different pair of socks.

Edited August 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Heatherknows]

So let's talk about these needs. Are they valid? Are they assumed to be part of a healthy marriage? Did ANYONE on here marry assuming NONE of those needs would be met?

 

So when you go years without those needs being met AND you talk AND you improve yourself AND you beg for counseling AND you try to woo your spouse and and and and

 

 

And you live in a real world where it takes both your incomes and your kids are small and there's no family nearby and your church says that Jesus will cry and cut off your head if you divorce....

 

Then what DO you do? Obviously, you should never ever cheat - it is absolutely wrong.

 

But I'd like for one actually HONEST and objective person to tell me the answer to the above is "easy."

 

 

It isn't easy at all. When you have longings and needs AND they are sexual AND you're a woman it's very embarrassing. Who wants to think that their husband doesn't feel like fu*king them? It's humiliating.

 

So I didn't WANT to cheat and tried to find ways where I could sort of get those needs met yet still not cheat but kind of play in the grey areas that the Internet provides.

[Furious]

I'm going to start posting articles about women and cheating to help myself and others gain more insight into our behavior. Hopefully this thread will begin to turn the fog fantasy into what it's turn self:A Lie.

 

For the Thrill of the Affair: Why Married Women Cheat - ABC News

 

 

 

Why women cheat: Why women really have affairs

 

 

I think married women who cheat can justify it in their mind as something as a compromise to not deal directly with either the marriage or their own personal issues.

 

I know some single women who have less sex than married women, most single women I know don't feel comfortable with one night stands and when they begin dating someone they don't immediately jump in the sack. One woman I know has maybe had sex only 4 times in the past year but has dated quite a few men and hasn't found the right match for her. She's looking for more than casual sex and she knows she could have sex as often as possible if that was all that she wanted.

 

Often times, married women who do cheat are looking to be desired and feel young again. It's ego based, cheating offers excitement and the person they cheat with does not have to meet the criteria of someone they would consider as a marriage partner. It's a strange paradox.

[Heatherknows]

It's ego based, cheating offers excitement and the person they cheat with does not have to meet the criteria of someone they would consider as a marriage partner. It's a strange paradox.

 

I agree. Ego based and the affair partner is usually someone they wouldn't look twice at if they were single. (At least in my case.)

[xxoo]

I know some single women who have less sex than married women, most single women I know don't feel comfortable with one night stands and when they begin dating someone they don't immediately jump in the sack. One woman I know has maybe had sex only 4 times in the past year but has dated quite a few men and hasn't found the right match for her. She's looking for more than casual sex and she knows she could have sex as often as possible if that was all that she wanted.

 

This is true, and good food for thought for anyone in a relationship not meeting their sexual needs. Sexual needs are not necessarily met for people, married or not. Single people often go long stretches (years, even) without sex. Married people may go without sex for long stretches due to illness or injury (think cancer treatments, or worse). They deal and focus on other things.

 

Going without sex is one thing. Living with rejection is another. The rejection is likely more damaging than the lack of sex.

[Heatherknows]

Living with rejection is another. The rejection is likely more damaging than the lack of sex.

 

Rejection is like pouring acid on my skin.

[autumnnight]

This is true, and good food for thought for anyone in a relationship not meeting their sexual needs. Sexual needs are not necessarily met for people, married or not. Single people often go long stretches (years, even) without sex. Married people may go without sex for long stretches due to illness or injury (think cancer treatments, or worse). They deal and focus on other things.

 

Going without sex is one thing. Living with rejection is another. The rejection is likely more damaging than the lack of sex.

 

This is always interesting to me. It seems sex is the only need that it is

"understandable" for a spouse not to meet. And yet of ALL the needs....it is THE one that NO ONE can morally meet EXCEPT the spouse. I can hire a maid or babysitter, I can have conversation with my female friends or join a sewing/crafting group, I can get another job to earn extra money.

 

NO ONE but my husband can be naked and vulnerable and physically intimate with me.

 

And here's the thing: if I am married, I am NOT a single woman. So comparing a celibate single woman and a celibate married woman is, quite frankly, a stupid comparison.

[Heatherknows]

NO ONE but my husband can be naked and vulnerable and physically intimate with me.

 

 

This is so true. I told my husband I don't have a choice but to look to you to satisfy my erotic needs. If you don't meet them then what?

[xxoo]

This is so true. I told my husband I don't have a choice but to look to you to satisfy my erotic needs. If you don't meet them then what?

 

Same thing that anyone with erotic needs and no available partner does. What do people with sick partners do? With deployed partners?

 

Isn't it the fact that he's there, able, and unwilling that makes it unbearable?

[autumnnight]

Same thing that anyone with erotic needs and no available partner does. What do people with sick partners do? With deployed partners?

 

Isn't it the fact that he's there, able, and unwilling that makes it unbearable?

 

This is hair-splitting. Of COURSE it is the fact that they won't rather than can't that is the problem....the question is the same, what the magic "easy" answer?

 

I guess it isn't a big deal for those to whom intimacy is not important.

[Furious]

I agree. Ego based and the affair partner is usually someone they wouldn't look twice at if they were single. (At least in my case.)

 

it's not uncommon and happens, the marriage is safe therefore cheating with someone who is not marriage material is often the case.

[Heatherknows]

This is hair-splitting. Of COURSE it is the fact that they won't rather than can't that is the problem....the question is the same, what the magic "easy" answer?

 

I guess it isn't a big deal for those to whom intimacy is not important.

 

But why get married if you don't want intimacy? Stay single. Also, when you're sexually aroused and your partner constantly wants to do something that has nothing to do with sex it's very frustrating and depressing.

[Furious]

This is always interesting to me. It seems sex is the only need that it is

"understandable" for a spouse not to meet. And yet of ALL the needs....it is THE one that NO ONE can morally meet EXCEPT the spouse. I can hire a maid or babysitter, I can have conversation with my female friends or join a sewing/crafting group, I can get another job to earn extra money.

 

NO ONE but my husband can be naked and vulnerable and physically intimate with me.

 

And here's the thing: if I am married, I am NOT a single woman. So comparing a celibate single woman and a celibate married woman is, quite frankly, a stupid comparison.

 

No one has said that sex is the only need that is "understandable" for a spouse not to meet.

 

I'm sorry but you are using a straw man tactic in regard to this topic and the OP is concerned about lack of sex from her spouse and responses are on topic.

 

Of course in many marriages the sex is great but other issues are may be causing strife. If someone's husband, for instance, was not financially responsible, would it be ok for the wife to write bad checks or steal because the financial need was not being met. Of course not, i see the same argument for lack of sex and justifying cheating.

 

Cheating ,in general, for what ever reason in all circumstance is not a solution, it's only a dysfunctional response to what the issues are.