I was asked "why do this if you're going to push her away"

[DKT3]

Quick recap for the newer posters.

 

Wife started an affair roughly 11 years ago that ran just short of 2 years. She was acting off for some time and a fight lead to the comment "how do you know I haven't tried that" which was an answer to me asking "what are you going to do, find someone else". She quickly back tracked say that wasn't how she meant it. It was to late the whole life flashing before your eyes thing had happened and all of a sudden it all made sense. Over the next 8 months I stayed, she lied avoided me and most of our conversations were her asking "do you love me" "will we be ok" "where do you think we will be in 5 years". With each denial I was pushed closer to the door. After 14 months I filed for divorce and moved out the day she was served. We went about 2 years were we barely spoke, then slowly we started to reconnect.

 

Which leads us to now, we have been "together" in some form for about 2 and a half years now. I thought I was being perfect in this NEW relationship and she worked her a$$ off to make it work (yes its a problem, she worked I pretended to). All the while I made her life uncomfortable. I wasn't mean nor did I beat her over the head with affair stuff.

 

About six weeks ago in MC (great therapist, I didn't like her at first because she didn't take my sh*t) asked me "what are you doing? What are you working on to make this relationship worth it for her?". Many of you know I'm never at a loss for words but I was honestly stumped. My normal go to was she had the affair. She had shot that down before by telling me she paid for it with the divorce. I sat speechless for what felt like an hour "oh that much", it made lovin laugh out loud. You see lovin had been saying for months that she was waiting for me to match her efforts in this area. Of course my thinking was me being here was all the effort I needed. Now we did things (vacations, romantic weekends, walks, handing hands, cuddling) but honestly physical was never an issue with us. I just kept myself closed off, when I felt her getting too close I would do something to get distance. The therapist called me on it, saying "why are you being a coward, if this isn't what you want she deserves to know. She deserve a chance to move on and find it somewhere else" she then looks at lovin and said "you need to get strong, you will never let him go nad he doesn't deserve you". Ok so now I'm pissed, I close off and shut down, arms crossed sitting deep in my seat eyes moving across her office. I'm thinking WTF is she talking about, and I'm out of here. Honestly the rest of that visit was meaningless because I didn't hear another word she said.

 

Over the next few days it wouldn't leave my mind, our next session rolled around and I got busy couldn't make it (coward), lovin went on her own. Again her working me not.

 

My mothers words dawned on me when she told me "boy marry that girl, you will never find a woman that loves you like she does, trust me as your mother and a woman she would never do that to you again, your messing it up and its something you will regret"

 

In that moment it was all so clear, the last three years I've been a dumba$$, she has been jumping through hoops and playing with fire for 6 years trying to get me back. Each effort was returned with an "ok what are you going to do next" attitude.

 

See I've pushed her, seeing how much she would take. Some of you know some of the things I did, I won't go into details. But those things resulted in her going above and beyond with very little assurances from me. She is a brave, loving woman and she has put up with a lot of my sh*t.

 

My views have changed, I'm not where I need to be but I now see this as its my turn to dance for her. Our MC is right, I don't deserve her, but I'm lucky to have her. Its time for me to prove it.

 

Thanks for reading. PS I don't proof read.

[RoseVille]

Your therapist is right, and I'm glad you see it now.

 

This is a new relationship. You can't keep looking backward if you wand to move forward. And a relationship takes two people, always. You have to do your share of the heavy lifting too.

[sandylee1]

I suspect a lot of your attitude has been to protect yourself from getting hurt. Whilst you got divorced, you are still you and she is still her and your memory hasn't been wiped clean, so it will always be somewhere in the back of your mind.

 

I wouldn't say you're a coward......but you're reserved/ fearful about putting your whole self back into it with no holds barred. 100% trust is unlikely to be there, but I'm not sure 100% trust is such a great thing anyway.

 

I think she's done as much as humanly possible to show remorse. She can't take back what she did and you need to put your best effort into making it work and not taking each other for granted. She didn't date while you were divorced, she got into therapy and she recognises she was wrong.

 

Best of luck

[Clay]

If you both have recommitted then yes you need to open up and give 100% back into the relationship. I personally am not willing or capable of doing that. Sounds like you have a smart MC. I hope things work well for you both.

 

C

[understand50]

DKT3,

 

What you are finding is that reconciliation is a two way street, and you have not been keeping up your part. By your statement, your wife has done everything you asked, and you have not taken the next step.

 

If you want to stay with her, you need to commit to her, and accept that she has changed. If you cannot, or will not, you need to let her go. I forget, are you remarried? If not, I would arrange to go to Vegas and get that taken care of.

 

I wish you luck.

[DKT3]

Sandylee, yes I have been protecting myself, in part. This therapist has been stripping me bare and honestly she is making a lot of sense. She said I'm doing the doggie paddle because its safe and comfortable, easy to stop, easy to change directions. I've been doing that stop and start, stop and change directions. While lovin is doing the butterfly, going all out full speed in one direction all the time.

 

She has really been pushing her to see that I'm not "IN" but she has her head down busting her a$$ so she doesn't notice I'm not beside her. She really is pushing her, I think to leave me. Maybe I'm wrong, but whatever her intentions are its waking me up.

 

Safe and comfortable would have been not coming back. Once I did I owe it to her to match her efforts.

[qubist]

dKT3 this only means that you have finally healed congratulations!!!! Do not beat yourself for the fact the you weren't responding properly to all her effort, when she wanted her way bak after the A, she knew that it would take you time to heal and she would continue doing all it takes to get you there, ,I'm pretty sur your counselor explain that to her and all was a plan including the hard talk by the counselor, you wife must be a good woman you damn believe that you deserve her you have sacrificed a lot too to get to this point

[Bittersweetie]

A relationship is a two-way street-even one that has been reconciled. What more do you want Lovin to do? You divorced. She was in counseling. She recently had your baby. I assume since you're in MC that she's still with you considering your recent choices.

 

She cannot change the past. None of us can. I know that can be hard to swallow, I get that. But all we can do is move forward with a better understanding of ourselves and the world around us and make choices that reflect that learning. I hope this is a step for you toward that understanding so you can make the best choice for both of you.

[drifter777]

The therapist simply told you to sh*t or get off the pot. Wow - how profound.

 

Look, you've been protecting yourself because your WW cheated on you for two years. She is capable of doing it again. You came back to try again for some reason - I have no idea what that reason is. You can say love but I don't believe that. Love itself means nothing to a relationship. How many of us have loved someone deeply and had that person walk away from us? It's everything that comes with love that we are looking for - security, acceptance, companionship, closeness, sex, a life-partner - all those things. I think the cornerstone is security and acceptance and it's tough to feel secure when you don't trust her. It's tough to feel accepted by her when she betrayed you and accepted another behind your back.

 

Yeah, your therapist is spot on but many of us have been telling you the same thing for a long time. Do what's right for you - what you feel in your heart and soul. If you are ready to forgive then do it because you know it's the right thing for you. Otherwise just tell lovin' that she can either accept you as you are - damaged because of her betrayal - and be satisfied with that or divorce all over again. You are both young enough to choose another path and make a new life. Make your decision before everything becomes even more complicated.

[DKT3]

The therapist simply told you to sh*t or get off the pot. Wow - how profound.

 

Look, you've been protecting yourself because your WW cheated on you for two years. She is capable of doing it again. You came back to try again for some reason - I have no idea what that reason is. You can say love but I don't believe that. Love itself means nothing to a relationship. How many of us have loved someone deeply and had that person walk away from us? It's everything that comes with love that we are looking for - security, acceptance, companionship, closeness, sex, a life-partner - all those things. I think the cornerstone is security and acceptance and it's tough to feel secure when you don't trust her. It's tough to feel accepted by her when she betrayed you and accepted another behind your back.

 

Yeah, your therapist is spot on but many of us have been telling you the same thing for a long time. Do what's right for you - what you feel in your heart and soul. If you are ready to forgive then do it because you know it's the right thing for you. Otherwise just tell lovin' that she can either accept you as you are - damaged because of her betrayal - and be satisfied with that or divorce all over again. You are both young enough to choose another path and make a new life. Make your decision before everything becomes even more complicated.

 

Your right, it isn't just love. We had two very young kids when we divorce and being a part time dad just about killed me. We are also co-dependant I'm not ashamed to admit that. In parts she broke me, for a long time I was thinking she deserved to keep playing with the toy she broke. Twisted I know. There are a lot of elements involved in my decision to return, love is only one of many.

 

Yes I have been told the things you mentioned. I had an old guy tell me once "knowledge passed to someone not ready to accept it is just words".

[drifter777]

Your right, it isn't just love. We had two very young kids when we divorce and being a part time dad just about killed me. We are also co-dependant I'm not ashamed to admit that. In parts she broke me, for a long time I was thinking she deserved to keep playing with the toy she broke. Twisted I know. There are a lot of elements involved in my decision to return, love is only one of many.

 

Yes I have been told the things you mentioned. I had an old guy tell me once "knowledge passed to someone not ready to accept it is just words".

 

Yes, it's all so complicated - I understand that. I'm just trying to get you to move forward toward your own recovery from her betrayal. Things wouldn't be so complicated if you can make the decision that's right for you and find some peace. You've divorced once and found that road too hard to travel. Now your back home and finding that road just as hard. It's time to be completely honest with yourself and choose again. Remember: life is hard for everyone. That's just how it is. We all have problems and crisis' that try our souls. We all reach a breaking point and then, most of us, pull ourselves out of the ashes and start the journey again. Pull yourself out of the ashes and choose the road for your journey.

[ladydesigner]

DKT3 I think this is a good start that you see this in yourself with the help of your MC. I am still in protection mode, because of my experience with False R and my WH not being remorseful or doing everything he can to make our M safe.

 

It sounds like you both have been through the ringer and maybe now you can let go of the past a bit and put your all in to R, or not whatever you decide.

 

I think the fact that you both reconnected after D says a lot. I believe you both love each other. Hopefully it is enough and you will be able to work together going forward.

[Chi townD]

Sounds like you were always waiting for that other shoe to drop and you'll be back to being divorced. Therefore, you put up a wall around you. WHICH IS COMPLETELY NORMAL FOR SOMEONE THAT WAS BETRAYED!!!

 

 

I can believe your therapist called you a coward. Give me a frickin break! You think a coward would come back and try and make it work? You think a coward would try to reconcile with someone that broke your heart.

 

 

Next time you see your therapist, tell him or her to get bent.

[DKT3]

Understand50- Marriage was a recent issue. As some know we were suppose to be married and things became shakey as the date closed in. I know know that I started to do that distance thing, push her away. I postponed it until later this year (fall). I was offered a job in another State and she refused to follow because as she stated "what's my motivation without a commitment from you? Sell my house and business so you can walk away in a year? Oh man that made me mad. I first saw it as manipulation looking at it with emotions. The logic was sound. In the past months the idea brings me comfort instead of fear. I think it part because I've finally started to let go of the anger. Sure I've said I had done that already but it was only words, fake til you make it kind of thing. I put this woman on a pedestal when she was 16 years old and expected perfection, what kind of dumba$$ does that? So the infidelity hit me hard and knocked me off center. I allowed myself to stay there all this years playing the push pull game.

 

Anyone that spent any time with me could see I was/am damaged.

 

We plan to be married in Nov. We also divorced in Nov.

 

Chi townD- This woman is a 60 year old white chick with dredlocks and a nose ring. Something about ice blue eyes greying red dredlocks just yells I need to respect her. Any rate the coward comment was in context. She made her point, and she wasn't far off in my situation. She is a hard a$$ and doesn't sugarcoat anything. She is what I needed to get me in gear. Maybe in an earlier stage I would have come off the rails.

[Shinebrightforever]

Happy for your upcoming marriage this November. Relationships are a tough thing.and I obviously am not in a place to be giving out my thoughts on relationships. But, seems like she has put the work in to earn your respect back. I wish you both harmony and continued resolve.

[understand50]

Understand50- Marriage was a recent issue. As some know we were suppose to be married and things became shakey as the date closed in. I know know that I started to do that distance thing, push her away. I postponed it until later this year (fall). I was offered a job in another State and she refused to follow because as she stated "what's my motivation without a commitment from you? Sell my house and business so you can walk away in a year? Oh man that made me mad. I first saw it as manipulation looking at it with emotions. The logic was sound. In the past months the idea brings me comfort instead of fear. I think it part because I've finally started to let go of the anger. Sure I've said I had done that already but it was only words, fake til you make it kind of thing. I put this woman on a pedestal when she was 16 years old and expected perfection, what kind of dumba$$ does that? So the infidelity hit me hard and knocked me off center. I allowed myself to stay there all this years playing the push pull game.

 

Anyone that spent any time with me could see I was/am damaged.

 

We plan to be married in Nov. We also divorced in Nov.

 

DKT3,

 

You now can have a new marriage. I would put energy in to plain the wedding, and letting her know your commitment. When I decide not to divorce, after her financial issues, I asked her if she wanted to stay. She said yes. It looks like your wife wants to stay, you need to let her know by thoughts, actions and deeds that you are committed to her. Marry her tomorrow if that is what she wants. What is the goal? To be a loving married couple?

 

Of course this is just my opinion, but if you could step outside yourself and post to yourself as a stranger, what would your advise be to DKT3?

 

Wish you luck.

[DKT3]

DKT3,

 

You now can have a new marriage. I would put energy in to plain the wedding, and letting her know your commitment. When I decide not to divorce, after her financial issues, I asked her if she wanted to stay. She said yes. It looks like your wife wants to stay, you need to let her know by thoughts, actions and deeds that you are committed to her. Marry her tomorrow if that is what she wants. What is the goal? To be a loving married couple?

 

Of course this is just my opinion, but if you could step outside yourself and post to yourself as a stranger, what would your advise be to DKT3?

 

Wish you luck.

 

I would be out of my element planning a wedding with her. She does that crap for a living. It would be akin to me playing basketball with Lebron or golf with Tiger. I got a strong back and willing to handle anything physical.

[lovinDKT3]

The therapist simply told you to sh*t or get off the pot. Wow - how profound.

 

Look, you've been protecting yourself because your WW cheated on you for two years. She is capable of doing it again. You came back to try again for some reason - I have no idea what that reason is. You can say love but I don't believe that. Love itself means nothing to a relationship. How many of us have loved someone deeply and had that person walk away from us? It's everything that comes with love that we are looking for - security, acceptance, companionship, closeness, sex, a life-partner - all those things. I think the cornerstone is security and acceptance and it's tough to feel secure when you don't trust her. It's tough to feel accepted by her when she betrayed you and accepted another behind your back.

 

Yeah, your therapist is spot on but many of us have been telling you the same thing for a long time. Do what's right for you - what you feel in your heart and soul. If you are ready to forgive then do it because you know it's the right thing for you. Otherwise just tell lovin' that she can either accept you as you are - damaged because of her betrayal - and be satisfied with that or divorce all over again. You are both young enough to choose another path and make a new life. Make your decision before everything becomes even more complicated.

We are all capable of infidelity, yet so many never do it. I have learned a from my mistakes.

 

You are right about trust, I sometimes can see the mistrust in his eyes. I can see him struggle with hiding it from me. It my job going forward to make him feel safe, at the same time standing my ground and not becoming a doormat.

[lovinDKT3]

DKT3,

 

You now can have a new marriage. I would put energy in to plain the wedding, and letting her know your commitment. When I decide not to divorce, after her financial issues, I asked her if she wanted to stay. She said yes. It looks like your wife wants to stay, you need to let her know by thoughts, actions and deeds that you are committed to her. Marry her tomorrow if that is what she wants. What is the goal? To be a loving married couple?

 

Of course this is just my opinion, but if you could step outside yourself and post to yourself as a stranger, what would your advise be to DKT3?

 

Wish you luck.

 

Haha, I welcome his help in planning, but keep in mind this is a man who thinks it ok to wear a cardigan with basketball shorts....he can move chairs.

[sandylee1]

she refused to follow because as she stated "what's my motivation without a commitment from you?

 

.

 

^^^^^ I have to say this is what all women who want a commitment need to do. Not following men across states and even to other countries, then complaining when marriage is never discussed.

 

Sorry DKT I just had to say that. I'm 100% with her on this.

[World's.Edge]

DKT3, your behaviour and attitude is normal. I'm not sure if I can write this with enough emphasis but adultery is f***ed up, to cheat on someone is f***ed up.

 

To experience infidelity is traumatic. It affects you to your core. It changes you, and also how you feel about your partner. The damage done to the betrayed, as well as their bond, relationship and feelings for the wayward is deep.

 

Not everyone can recover and move past it, even with therapy and a wayward spouse who is truly remorseful and committed. Off course you're hesitant and have been protecting yourself, that's a natural response to any trauma.

 

I can understand your reaction to this comment.

I was offered a job in another State and she refused to follow because as she stated "what's my motivation without a commitment from you? Sell my house and business so you can walk away in a year? Oh man that made me mad.

To reconcile with someone takes a lot, and often the thought lingers that the adulterer doesn't deserve another chance at a relationship. If you have a firm stance and morals that don't permit and accept infidelity, then reconciliation is something that goes against who you are and that is hard to reconcile within one's self.

 

Your wife had a two year affair, that on its own is major. In addition to that she spent months lying to you, causing further damage and erosion to your relationship. Adultery sometimes breaks up families, destroys careers and can lead to suicide, homicide or both, so it's no small thing. The longest I've read of an affair still affecting and haunting someone is like, sixty years.

 

You not being all in is natural. It takes a lot of work and effort to get there.

 

My advice is always for the betrayed to focus on their well-being. It's not uncommon to experience depression after infidelity. It affects how you are and (bleaks) your outlook on life, it clouds your perspective and therefore also contributes to a lack of enthusiasm in reconciliation and life in general.

 

If you focus on working on yourself and improving your mental, physical and emotional well-being, it'll also affect and improve your outlook on life, and how you approach your relationship(s).

[sandylee1]

 

Chi townD- This woman is a 60 year old white chick with dredlocks and a nose ring. Something about ice blue eyes greying red dredlocks just yells I need to respect her.

 

Your therapist sounds a bit scary, I can understand how she made you feel.

[DKT3]

World's.edge lovin's comment and feelings about moving are valid I believe. It was actions along those lines that made me a bad husband while married. She stood her ground and I respect that.

 

Sandylee our therapist is solid, and her message is sound. The affair is over (both) what happens next is a result of the work we put in moving forward. I'm sick of this sh*t, I've allowed myself to stay stuck here, in this infidelity nightmare. This time to TRULY move past it in actions and emotions not just words.

Edited August 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Only things that needed to be said ~ V

[Furious]

We are all capable of infidelity, yet so many never do it. I have learned a from my mistakes.

 

Lovin, I hold you in high esteem, your many posts throughout your time on LS have been honest and authentic as anyone could see.

 

I agree, that you learned and grew from your mistakes and yet so many never do. It's sad how those who continue to make poor choices blame shift and play victim.

 

I wish you the best Lovin, you are worthy of it.

[road]

My question is why get married if the BH has doubts. Divorce was done. They can live together if more time is needed. Haste makes waste.