I was asked "why do this if you're going to push her away"

[DKT3]

Agree with this.

 

I'm having a hard time reconciling that you've only just woken up to your anger.

 

2.5 years into "recovery" and you both agreed that having a ONS would be ok?

 

I get why Lovin did it - I think in part it was a test, the other part a manifestation of her shame perhaps.

 

But DKT - after spending 2 years on this board, knowing everything you do about healing from infidelity and reconciliation, how did you get to a point where you believed that it would be OK for your relationship to pursue someone outside of it? Or was this just a manifestation of your anger? You're both intelligent people. What went on here?

 

If you read my posts when I came here, I often spoke about how I was "over" her affair and how the physical aspects didn't bug me. The thing is I had truly convinced myself that it was the truth. I think it made me feel strong.

 

We dealt with her why's, what she was thinking, how she could have done it. We dealt with how we could move forward, what our relationship could look. We never dealt with my emotions. I never even told her how it made me feel.

 

Its easy for us to read and analyze others here because we have no emotions vested. Its not so easy to see things as clearly in our own.

[MuddyFootprints]

Perhaps healing can now begin because you now recognize how you were able to compromise (and justify?) your own personal boundaries and integrity?

[TX-SC]

It's time for both of you to regain focus. Your relationship moving forward is where your attention should be focused. You both made mistakes and you both are trying to atone for it. Now you need to continue building your future. I'm glad that you have gained some c laity in your thoughts and emotions. Now, go live an amazing life with your wife.

[singer23]

************************sgs

Edited August 18, 2015 by singer23

[gettingstronger]

If you read my posts when I came here, I often spoke about how I was "over" her affair and how the physical aspects didn't bug me. The thing is I had truly convinced myself that it was the truth. I think it made me feel strong.

 

We dealt with her why's, what she was thinking, how she could have done it. We dealt with how we could move forward, what our relationship could look. We never dealt with my emotions. I never even told her how it made me feel.

 

Its easy for us to read and analyze others here because we have no emotions vested. Its not so easy to see things as clearly in our own.

 

 

I agree with this- processing how I really feel is difficult-

As far as stepping out yourself, although I don't agree with it- I kind of see it- I would be lying if I didn't say I often wonder what it would be like- what that sense of excitement is all about, what drives a person to do this, etc...

For me, I have thought in some twisted way that if I experienced it I would understand it better-maybe if I understood what it was like, I would quit badgering him about the whys and the how could yous-

But then I see the damage its done to him personally- how his guilt and shame consume him sometimes and I think, no- I don't want to pile that on to my already taxed mind and body-

[Sub]

As far as stepping out yourself, although I don't agree with it- I kind of see it- I would be lying if I didn't say I often wonder what it would be like- what that sense of excitement is all about, what drives a person to do this, etc...

For me, I have thought in some twisted way that if I experienced it I would understand it better-maybe if I understood what it was like, I would quit badgering him about the whys and the how could yous-

But then I see the damage its done to him personally- how his guilt and shame consume him sometimes and I think, no- I don't want to pile that on to my already taxed mind and body-

 

This, word-for-word, is how I've found myself feeling at times lately. I don't ask about the why and how anymore. I know the answers. Part of what concerns me is that having all the answers won't be enough, though.

[DKT3]

You avoided my question. What were you angry about and how did you face that anger? How was it resolved?

 

What did the epiphany entail?

 

I was angry because I was exposed, because she told lovin she deserved better (translation in my head was better then me, and not better treatment which is what she meant). It was resolved because after some time her words rang true.

 

Its tough to have someone break you down and force you to look in the mirror and see what a dick you've been.

[DKT3]

Lovin is in New York City AGAIN, but its different. I miss her, don't get me wrong I enjoy her company and I missed her every time one of us has to travel but this is different I really MISS her this time. She only flew out Sunday and she is back later today.

 

I don't know why I wrote this I should have called her and told her...I'm going to.

[drifter777]

Lovin is in New York City AGAIN, but its different. I miss her, don't get me wrong I enjoy her company and I missed her every time one of us has to travel but this is different I really MISS her this time. She only flew out Sunday and she is back later today.

 

I don't know why I wrote this I should have called her and told her...I'm going to.

Dude - what do you want here? So you miss her - does that mean you are not going to push her away anymore? Does it mean that you finally accept what she did and are open to working to put it behind you instead of just faking it and white-knuckling it through life? I'm having a really hard time reading you and understanding what's going on in there.

[DKT3]

Dude - what do you want here? So you miss her - does that mean you are not going to push her away anymore? Does it mean that you finally accept what she did and are open to working to put it behind you instead of just faking it and white-knuckling it through life? I'm having a really hard time reading you and understanding what's going on in there.

 

What's going on it the dark cloud is lifting, a cloud that was anger and resentment. In the past travel time was a woooo I got a couple days. Doesn't seem like much but I see it as progress.

 

I think now that I've begun to release the anger I'm healing.

 

PS I'm not so easy to read

[lovinDKT3]

To see if you have been doing what you had to do. For your BH to see the same.

 

I didnt owe him anything after we were divorced, me not dating wasn't some ploy to get or win him back. Me not dating was because I wasnt ready to date and I had other far more pressing issues then dating.

[DKT3]

In our MC session yesterday the therapist wanted to revisit the session that is behind this thread. She asked many of the same questions for which I had answers for this time.

 

She pointed out that she felt I was very passive aggressive towards lovin and that she felt I had been trying to make her (lovin) end the relationship. She said she felt that I didn't want to be in the relationship but didn't want to be "the bad guy" and end it.

 

I think she has a point to a degree. I never thought "I'm going to make her fire me", but I did have a sense of relief when we briefly split earlier this year. I've had this internal battle with myself about feeling like a fool for trying, yet I feared not trying, at times I didn't want to be around her, then when I wasn't I did. I just can't understand how I can't just get all in or all out. I have mentally made the decision to go all in, emotionally I haven't reached that point. I still battle myself, still fear the other shoe.

 

Some question my point in being here, as does the therapist, but for some reason its easier for me to get my feelings out here. Like talking to a cab driver or bartender, I don't fear the judgement or bais one way or the other. Talking to my siblings or father does very little good because they are firmly planeted in my corner and they see no wrong in anything I do in this situation. Same as friends. Here, I get called on my BS, and in that progess can be made. That is why I'm here. Many of the things I hear here I've heard from lovin, but its just different coming from those who aren't vested of have a stake in it.

[truncated]

It sounds like you are (were) still scared she would cheat on you, and you were protecting yourself from being hurt.

 

If you're not all in, you can't be hurt as badly if she decided to have another affair ( not saying she would )

 

It also sounds as if part of you feels like if you can't get back to the "innocence" of your marriage pre-affair, then you won't be "all in".

 

You have to accept that getting back to that innocent stage will likely never happen, but that's okay. The really great thing is that it can be even better. You've now got a spouse who loves you, has learned from her mistakes, has done a huge amount of work so that she won't make them again. Your marriage before didn't have that.

 

In many ways, your marriage has the potential to be even stringer. granted, you paid a terrible price to get there, but you have. It's time to either strap on your parachute and make the leap out into the blue, or walk to the back of the plane and sit down. Just don't keep asking the pilot to keep the plane in the air while you deice, lest it runs out of fuel and comes crashing down.