No Illusions

[Rorocher]

How many OWs and OMs have absolutely no illusions about their affairs? As in, the realities of the relationship are clear to you. You don't think that your AP hung the moon or that h/she is necessarily telling you the complete truth about their marriages. You know that you care about each other but you don't necessarily believe that you are soulmates the way you proclaim to each other.

 

 

And most importantly, how many believe that when sh*t does hit the fan, their MM or MW will throw them under the bus faster than you can say busted?

 

 

I'm always curious at just how many people keep their feet on the ground in affairs.

[blue963]

Of course thats the truth of what may happen. And I ask my self why bother with all of this.

[Shinebrightforever]

In my experience, in order for my 4 year A to be justified, my AP became "all good", H became "all bad". Not saying my marriage was great, it wasn't. But I do know I wouldn't have risked everything, including my emotional integrity..for someone who was just "alright". Nor would I have maintained it for so long.

 

I can't speak for Ons, as I've never had one. But as for LTAs....there is a fantasy bubble that can only get popped when Dday comes. And yes, they will throw AP under the bus. Multiple times if needed. The fantasy bubble becomes compromised...all previous agreements become null and void...and ap is mince meat.

[unluckycharms]

I started to feel this way towards the end of mine, after his wife found out. I realized he was a compulsive liar and not a long term relationship prospect so it felt fake to keep saying I love you to each other and almost as if we just did it out of habit. I'm not even sure why I stuck around at all at this point except for the sex, but once the illusion of romance was gone I saw how bad he was for me which made it easier to leave.

 

Edited to add - of course he would throw me under the bus if necessary. I think most married cheaters would if it suited their selfish needs. When they don't, it's only because they want to keep the affair going or otherwise don't feel like telling the whole truth.

Edited August 14, 2015 by unluckycharms

[Sassy Girl]

I think I was realistic in my affair.

 

Of course, others have judged me for that - apparently I wasn't behaving the right way for an affair- whatever that is.

 

There was no drama or ups and downs, no ridiculous posturing or future faking. No luuuurve talk or soulmate rubbish. And when things got too risky it ended amicably.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it's just the drama that some are addicted to.

 

I certainly didn't want or need those headaches and neither did my AP. doesn't mean we didn't care about each other. We certainly didn't lack passion. We are still friends and enjoyed our time. But we knew it wasn't forever and that's ok.

[eye of the storm]

My now ExMM was for the most part honest with me about our A. He always said he wasn't planning on leaving his W. And he didn't. He never claimed they were not acting as a married couple when he would go home to see her.

 

And yes, I may be foolish, but I believe that if for some reason his W found out about me he would not throw me under the bus. I believe that because the only time he ever got caught was with a "casual" OW and he didn't throw her under the bus. They had only been dating a couple of months, we were together for around 5 years. Like I said, it may be foolish but there it is,

[AngeliqueC]

Well, we've never proclaimed to be "soulmates", so I guess that's a point on the non-illusioned side. And, yes, we see each other's flaws - but, fortunately, our flaws are pretty much in sync or relatively minor (he has this *thing* about keeping the strainer out of the kitchen sink and on the countertop instead....and I have this *thing* about how the toilet seat should be).

 

Will there be a fecal wind tunnel and a refurbished school bus with bright geometric shapes painted on it by a musical family of five kids and their widowed mum? Perhaps. Perhaps not. That will be his choice, will it not? All I can do is make my choices.

[Gloria_Smellons]

Interesting topic.

 

I think I'm pretty realistic about mine, now at least. I had a 'blip' where I thought there must be more too it, but realised that line of thinking did nothing but upset me. I had to change my mindset, or get out for my own mental health.

 

MM and I have never discussed his marriage, he never brought it up and I wouldn't want to hear about it if he tried, but I'm reasonably certain that if I asked him 'do you love your wife' the answer would be 'of course I do, what a dumb question.'

 

He never future faked (apart from the earlier mentioned blip), and he completely admitted that if his wife ever got the slightest sniff about what was going on, he'd drop me like a hot potato.

 

At several points he said he loved me (at one point I thought I felt the same way) but I realised that what he loved was the idea, the fantasy, the way I made him feel etc etc. None of that is what I considered 'real'. To me love is fundamentally honest, and there was nothing honest about what we were doing.

 

You might be wondering with all that information why I even bothered. It's something I've given a lot of thought. I think a lot of it was essentially loneliness. I'd been single for a while but wasn't ready for a 'proper' relationship, so our arrangement suited me at the time. Also, I genuinely enjoyed his company and liked having sex with him. Crass perhaps, selfish, completely, but also true.

Edited August 14, 2015 by Gloria_Smellons

[Satu]

Affairs are 90% fantasy, 1% make-believe, 1% pretence, 3% confusion, and 5% intoxication.

 

Which is fine, if thats what you want...

[MissBee]

How many OWs and OMs have absolutely no illusions about their affairs? As in, the realities of the relationship are clear to you. You don't think that your AP hung the moon or that h/she is necessarily telling you the complete truth about their marriages. You know that you care about each other but you don't necessarily believe that you are soulmates the way you proclaim to each other.

 

 

And most importantly, how many believe that when sh*t does hit the fan, their MM or MW will throw them under the bus faster than you can say busted?

 

 

I'm always curious at just how many people keep their feet on the ground in affairs.

 

 

I think I fell into this category during the A and lots of different things accounted for that.

 

One of the main things was that I was in college during the A and it was long distance. I was young and not looking to seriously settle down, so it really wasn't a case at the time of me feeling like I'm waiting for this guy to leave for me. We lived in different countries, although we saw each other probably 3 times a year at least and even though I was absolutely in love with him and would have been thrilled to be his only person, since that wasn't the case, I just dated other people. I think the fact that I sort of kept my options open made a difference in how realistic I allowed myself to be. Now, I do think I fooled myself in thinking that I could be in love with him and still meet someone new, which I couldn't. I'd say that was the illusion. Even though I dated others, I was never truly emotionally available for a real relationship to occur because I was emotionally invested in him.

 

 

I told him many times that he can't have two gfs forever. I told him I didn't make sense in his life right now and one day he's going to have to choose and it won't be me. I was very realistic and frank about it. It's not that that wouldn't hurt me, but I was logical and rational and knew this to be true. He would get upset when I said it and would say he didn't know what would happen but as of today he wanted me in his life..... I found that he was a lot "foggier" and steeped in the fantasy than I was and that led to many arguments as I would get frustrated and annoyed with his wishes and talks of unrealistic things and would burst the bubble and he'd get upset....but I didn't see the point after a while in pretending certain things would happen when they wouldn't and when NO work towards that end was being done.

 

I was also realistic that he probably omitted some things to protect my feelings, he said as much. He did not badmouth his SO and I didn't know her, so in that sense she didn't come up a lot so he never had to tell any elaborate stories misrepresenting their relationship, he was pretty frank that he loved her but he loved me too. But did they have sex? Yep...he didn't say anything to make me think they didn't have a relationship.

 

I loved him and thought we were a good match, but like I said, I think partly because of the stage I was in life, where I wasn't seriously thinking marriage, kids, long term, I didn't really spend much time thinking about if we were soulmates and it wasn't ever a question of if he would leave...I think I always had a sense that it would run its course or come to some kind of end sooner or later. I actually never envisioned that we would get married or anything like that (however, after the A ended we did get a chance to date normally and that's when those sort of things became more real to me).

[RecentChange]

Well – I guess mine was abnormal as it was very brief, and all physical.

 

There were no pretenses… positions asserted, questions were asked, and ground rules were laid. MY statements and questions (which he gave the right answers for, I don’t know if they were truthful but hey):

 

I said – “I am not looking for a boyfriend” - he said of course – what about friends with benefits?

 

I said – “I can separate sex from emotion – a lot of people can’t – can you?” – again, I got the “right” answer.

 

I said – “I am not on the rocks – or looking to break up with my spouse- what about you?” Again, I got the “right” answer, which for me was that he was NOT planning on leaving that relationship.

 

I said can you keep this a SECRET? And he assured me he wouldn’t even tell his very best friend…

 

So, we went into our brief (1 week) physical “affair” with the rules laid out. We had fun, and then ended it like we agreed (twas’ only to be one week while his wife was out of the country). The agreement was to go back to being casual friends after.

 

I got out of it what I wanted – some “strange” and a jump start my libido / sex life at home needed.

 

Its been about a month now, and I still see him often (our schedules put us “together” about an hour a day). Some days he is cold and aloof, other days more friendly and joking. I acknowledged that it’s a bit “awkward” – but personally I am totally “cool” with just putting this aside like it never happened.

 

I admit to being a bit curious as to what is going through his head, but I don’t want to get “wrapped up” in him enough to ask.

 

As for throwing under the bus… hum, I think, HOPE he wouldn’t? He hardly knows me, I don’t know what benefit “outing” me would have for him. I purposely withheld most of my personal information so that if **** did hit the fan – I couldn’t be tracked down easily.

 

I never asked anything about his wife – figured if he wanted to say something he would offer it up, but I am not going to pry. I never said anything disparaging against my partner to him. The only “reason” I gave was that I had been “doing the SAME thing for a long time”. Never asked for, or got a reason from him. I don’t know why he did it.

[Nolagirl1214]

Very interesting topic!

 

I'd say we are pretty realistic about it. We don't future fake, talk about mushy/soulmate stuff, or anything like that. We agreed from the beginning that it was a FWB type thing and so far we have been able to keep it up for about 7-8 months without drama or any type of issues. We're both married and agreed we aren't looking to change that. We have 20+ years between us so I have no illusions of us ending up together!

 

I asked him in the beginning what he wanted, a one time thing or on-going and we both agreed we wouldn't put a time frame on it. When we're done, we're done. We do work together though so I am a little nervous about the ending, tbh. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

[midlifewife]

Glad to see this thread and comments. In reading most of the OW/OM stories on LS, it seems like most of them mimic 'real' relationships, and so many are thinking their AP might leave their spouse and they will have a future together.

 

My AP and I knew from the beginning that each was married and both agreed that we wanted to be 'special friends'. Just enjoy each others company and fill a need that we were each lacking. We have talked about our marriages and what our issues are. There has never been any talk about being together 'for real'. Although there is quite a bit of affection involved between us, there just seems to be an understanding that this won't evolve into 'love'. I've even made suggestions on things that might improve his marriage, knowing full well what that would mean for me and being OK with that. I'm probably the one who will actually divorce, doesn't sound like he is on that path currently. This is long-distance & we rarely see each other, so it is different than many others who spend lots of time together.

 

I am sure it's harder for me emotionally than him. I do find myself getting too attached to our interactions and always wanting more. And, I've always told myself that if it starts to get too hard to deal with, I'll end it. I've been on the verge plenty of times when he isn't in touch as much. But then he comes back and I decide to stick it out a little longer. I've also always realized that I don't REALLY know him. I like (a lot) what I do know, but there's so much I don't know. Sometimes, I can convince myself that I'm not too emotionally invested and can play it cool, and other times I'm weak and just want to get lost in him. Sometimes I convince myself that he's really a nice genuine guy with this flaw (like me) and no other secrets, and other times I'm convinced that he's doing this same thing with other people. I know it's an escape from my M, it's been a roller coaster of emotions, and it's likely quite unhealthy for me, but I am a sucker for this little fantasy world we've created.

 

So, no illusions for a future together...we are just part of each of our journeys in life and love. I have no idea what the future will bring, I'm just doing my best to not let this become too 'real' to me. It's not easy, but I'm sure learning a lot about myself in the process!

[Starbright78]

Sometimes I convince myself that he's really a nice genuine guy with this flaw (like me) and no other secrets, and other times I'm convinced that he's doing this same thing with other people. I know it's an escape from my M, it's been a roller coaster of emotions, and it's likely quite unhealthy for me, but I am a sucker for this little fantasy world we've created.

 

So, no illusions for a future together...we are just part of each of our journeys in life and love. I have no idea what the future will bring, I'm just doing my best to not let this become too 'real' to me. It's not easy, but I'm sure learning a lot about myself in the process!

 

Mine was like yours and I treated it the exact same way you are but come to find

out, I wasn't special and he was already sharing or at least llooking for another person besides me to share with and it hurt when I ended it... Even with no love involved I thought I could handle it.

 

I guess my point is no matter what illusion the affair starts on... It still hurts. I'm an example.

[midlifewife]

I wasn't special and he was already sharing or at least llooking for another person besides me to share with and it hurt when I ended it... Even with no love involved I thought I could handle it.

I'm sorry Starbright, I'm sure this felt awful. I can totally see it happening to me. That's part of the reason I've thought about ending it pre-emptively. It's kind of bizarre how this scenario sounds so much worse to me that him cutting it off with me and committing to his M

[lemondrop21]

As soon as the affair started, I started reading all about affairs online, reading people's stories on this board etc. and armed myself with information. So as the future faking progressed, I knew that was more than likely what it was. And when the day came when he said "I'm really torn about continuing this, I want to do what's right for my kids so much and I'm not sure what that is," that's when I cut it off for a week, thought things through, and then came back with a new attitude. I would sleep with him, but with my eyes wide open, knowing full well that this was 99% likely to be a typical affair that would end in the typical way.

 

Then my feelings grew, of course, and I've spent the past five weeks battling the loneliness and depression that I basically knew I was signing up for.

 

And yes, he would throw me under the bus in a heartbeat. There has been no DDay but if there were? No question, I'd be roadkill.

[still_an_Angel]

I fall under this category of OW. I'm in a D/s relationship with my MM which has evolved over time into an A. I've never harboured a future of "us" together, 24/7 and all that, I think our current arrangement work really well for both of us. I can't give a full on relationship, I don't see MM (or any guy for that matter) joining my family, I don't want to churn my kids' world upside down again. And I don't want MM to leave his family for "us" either.

 

 

Although we have talked about his W finding out, I'm pretty sure things will not go according to plan if this happens. I think he will deny and evade but won't give me up. He did tell me that this will end the day I walk away.

[Learningtoletgo]

I was in an affair with a married man for about three years, but honestly we probably only spent time alone 7 or 8 times. We also had very limited contact between our meetings which is probably why we never got caught. Just so you know, I am not officially married but I have been with my boyfriend for about 13 years And we have a child together. I still occasionally have contact with my mm, but we haven't been physical for a year. I'm trying my best to not cross the line again, but it is hard.

 

On to your post. We never future faked. We never said the love word. We were always honest with each other and we knew we would never leave our significant others. We always said it was just sexual, but for me, it was hard to no get attached (him too...we did talk about how hard it was to keep our relationship in check).

 

All in all, we never got caught and things went as planned.. But regardless, it has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. When I see him (which is rare now, but it occasionally happens) it is so hard to say no. I still think about him a lot and I wish always that it could've different. So I guess my reply is, even when you are both realistic about what you are, you can still catch feelings.

 

As for throwing me under the bus, I think about that a lot. I don't think he would. He is a good person who I think geniuinely cares about me. But honestly, who knows what would happen if his marriage was at stake? Like I said, I have always tried to stay realistic.

[Minnie09]

I usually believe nothing I hear and half of what I see with my own eyes, so when mm tells me he loves me and wants to be with me, and he was leaving her anyways (even before I came into the picture), but now he has to wait for this and that, before he can move out, then I take it with a grain of salt. The arrangement works for me, I have no illusions, even though I'll be sad when it ends. He treats me so well, nothing compares. On the other hand, I'm not sure if I'm ready to commit, if he should really leave. I'm kind of used to my lifestyle and freedom, and living with somebody would be a big adjustment. And there are no guarantees. Right now I know the deal and I know what I'm getting, and I'm comfortable with it. So no illusions. This may be easier for me than for other single OWs - because I'm content. If I weren't content i would probably tend to believe him more. I don't know if he really plans on leaving, whenever he brings it up I kind of brush it off. All I have is his words and that doesn't mean much. Not because it's him, but generally.....words to me are nothing. I could live like this forever. We spend great times together, and when I'm back home, or when he's back home, I go about my business as usual. For him I think it's harder, or so he says and acts, thinking of me constantly, trying to communicate nonstop, etc. ....... maybe my mm has more illusions than I do. I'm the grounded one, I think he's more the dreamer kind. If he really did divorce, he would lose a lot. A lot. So I don't know. Is he really dreaming about a future, is he really planning ahead in order to achieve it? Or is he just trying to play me, so that I don't get involved with anybody else? I will know at some point, I guess, or maybe never. But as far as illusions are concerned, I really don't have them. He might or maybe he doesn't, either. If he doesn't, he's obviously lying in order to keep me tied to him without committing.