My story. Can I win my ex-girlfriend back?

[betanerd]

Hello everyone,

So this is my first time writing here to the LS universe and I apologise for my long message but I'll try to give context and be fair to my ex during this process.

 

So I met my ex at university in my last year of undergraduate (she had 1 extra year to go). She was already in a relationship when I met her and to be honest, we just hit it off. We talked a lot and she hid the fact that she was in a relationship until the very end. Eventually we started a relationship, despite her being in the previous relationship because she told me that she didn't love him anymore and she was waiting for him to break up with her (she would just ignore him and be cold and distant). Well that didn't happen, and he found our messages on her phone and she left him for me. That was 2.5 years ago. Let's fast forward to May of this year. She couldn't get into a Masters program here in my home country so she went back to Europe. She went to a country where I could go to (since my professor had many contacts around the world, he found me a position in the UK). She got into the UK and got a nice Masters (and future PhD) position there and we were just waiting to be together. But the long distance really killed us...my Masters program is extremely demanding and the 6 hour time difference made it difficult for me to talk to her. She is someone that needs to talk to her bf every single day and she would be very angry if she didn't. We argued and she got sad. I always visited her across the Atlantic to make sure she knew that I was working hard (for now) so I could be with her. Again, I should note that she had every right to be angry and sad because I didn't talk to her a lot because I was always working to finish my Masters.

So fast forward to the end of my Masters, I had to switch projects mid-way through the Masters and my Masters was cut short since I had to do an internship (the reason I did the internship was to be in the same city as her for 3 months before my PhD where I would be with her for 3 years!). I was stressed and I had to finish this thesis (otherwise I couldn't leave my home to be with her). She is very difficult to talk to on the phone (she doesn't really contribute to a conversation, yet gets angry at me for speaking so much). Again, I'm not making excuses, I am just telling you the context of why I didn't contact her so much during this period of time. I really didn't contact her for 1.5 months while I was writing my thesis. I really worked my ass off day and night and I finished it. So I was off to be with her in the UK and I thought everything was going to be great (although I knew she was going to be hurt since I didn't speak to her for quite awhile but I thought she would understand doing a Masters is very intense and I needed this time to focus on my career).

I was waiting at the airport after a 12 hour flight, for about 6 hours in the airport and then she texted me it was over. I was so hurt but I accepted it and I told her that we needed to work on our relationship and friendship and maybe we might resume what we had. I told her that we both needed to be 100% honest if we wanted this to work. She agreed. I asked her if there was someone else and she said none. Fast forward 2 weeks. I talked to her mother and she revealed that this guy was dropping her to the airport (because she had a meeting beforehand at the opposite side of the city and wouldn't make it to the airport in time). I was suspcious because I knew all her very few friends there and she never mentioned him. I looked at her phone and found EVERYTHING! She was cheating on me with him (and later on I found another guy).

I confronted her and she said she didn't feel like we were in a relationship while I was writing my thesis and she felt it was okay to leave me. I was so hurt but again, I accepted this and I asked her to just focus on us and stop seeing him for a while. If it didn't work out, I would leave. Remember, that I moved this country for an internship so I didn't have a place to go. And I knew no one in the country at the time. She said no! She said she knew everything about me since we dated for 2.5 years, and she needed to explore our friendship while he is new and she wanted to explore physicality with him. I told her this hurt me so much and she said since I hurt her, she can hurt me.

Throughout this time at her flat, it was horrible. She would always leave me alone and spend time with him. When she came home, she was so happy and when she spent time with me, she seemed uncomfortable and sad. She just looked happy when she was messaging him. I even told her it was rude to message him in front of me and she just freaked out telling me I was controlling her. She was so cold hearted, she would yell at me because I didn't know where to go in the city (I just moved there remember). She told me that she felt like she was my mother (again, I knew nothing about Europe and this country and just asked her for help). She told me, why would she want to spend time with me since I'm always sad? I didn't understand why she expected me to be happy. She dressed up for him. Put on make-up, changed her wardbrobe for him and even made him tea. I lived with her and she didn't even offer to make me some tea as courtsey. She even messaged me to tell me she's sleeping in the same hotel room as him and I told her that I was so hurt and she said it shouldn't matter because we are not together.

Fast forward to end June, she was totally cold and mean to me. She texted me at work to tell me she loves him and for me to get out. It was really hard for me to get a place and expensive and I was leaving back home for my defense anyways so why would I get a place of my own already. She told me she was so mean to me because she loves him and she wants me out. She made that quite clear. She even helped me put all my stuff in my new flat so the process would be quicker. The last day, when I picked up the last stuff of mine, I found out he was already sleeping in her flat. I was so hurt by that and she said it doesn't matter to her. I missed my bus on the last day and she just told me to wait at the bus shack and didn't even look back at me. That was the last time I ever saw her. She hasn't contacted me until the end of July to tell me how her life is so great and how she's so happy and she just wanted to drop something I left at her home. She likes this guy because he's older than her (she's 31, I'm 25 and he's like 34 and has his own business and a car and even a child from another woman who he left).

 

The basic story is this. I cannot make an excuse. I did not treat her well because I worked on my thesis too hard and didn't give her the attention she required and demanded of me. I used the fact that I was working hard to get the position in the UK to be with her eventually. In my mind, struggle in the present is worth happiness in the future. So I did hurt her because she felt neglected. She told me that it was my fault that she cheated and I'm not sure if that's true but I am not 100% innocent and I want to make sure that you guys know that I'm not trying to play the innocent victim here. I was devestated about how she left me and how she treated me.

 

Should I win her back and if yes, how do I win her back from this other guy? I have been heartbroken since May so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Satu]

Welcome to LS.

 

No proper paragraphs; didn't read.

[quattrob]

Whatever the case is, she cheated.. there's no excuses no matter what you did. You can take the blame all you want but it doesn't make her actions any better.

 

 

either way you can't "win" someone back.. it's up to them to want you back.

[dumbass2]

Best way to get someone to come back is disappear from their life. If they felt something for you at all and it meant anything, they might just reappear, but if they cheated on you, why would you want them back? That is the question. She choose to be with someone else over you.

 

Should you try and win her back? IMO absolutely not from what you have told us. Could you have handled things maybe a little better? Probably. Should she have blamed her cheating on you? Absolutely no way!! That is total B.S.

[kellabella]

Hello everyone,

So this is my first time writing here to the LS universe and I apologise for my long message but I'll try to give context and be fair to my ex during this process.

 

So I met my ex at university in my last year of undergraduate (she had 1 extra year to go). She was already in a relationship when I met her and to be honest, we just hit it off. We talked a lot and she hid the fact that she was in a relationship until the very end. Eventually we started a relationship, despite her being in the previous relationship because she told me that she didn't love him anymore and she was waiting for him to break up with her (she would just ignore him and be cold and distant). Well that didn't happen, and he found our messages on her phone and she left him for me. That was 2.5 years ago. Let's fast forward to May of this year. She couldn't get into a Masters program here in my home country so she went back to Europe. She went to a country where I could go to (since my professor had many contacts around the world, he found me a position in the UK). She got into the UK and got a nice Masters (and future PhD) position there and we were just waiting to be together. But the long distance really killed us...my Masters program is extremely demanding and the 6 hour time difference made it difficult for me to talk to her. She is someone that needs to talk to her bf every single day and she would be very angry if she didn't. We argued and she got sad. I always visited her across the Atlantic to make sure she knew that I was working hard (for now) so I could be with her. Again, I should note that she had every right to be angry and sad because I didn't talk to her a lot because I was always working to finish my Masters.

So fast forward to the end of my Masters, I had to switch projects mid-way through the Masters and my Masters was cut short since I had to do an internship (the reason I did the internship was to be in the same city as her for 3 months before my PhD where I would be with her for 3 years!). I was stressed and I had to finish this thesis (otherwise I couldn't leave my home to be with her). She is very difficult to talk to on the phone (she doesn't really contribute to a conversation, yet gets angry at me for speaking so much). Again, I'm not making excuses, I am just telling you the context of why I didn't contact her so much during this period of time. I really didn't contact her for 1.5 months while I was writing my thesis. I really worked my ass off day and night and I finished it. So I was off to be with her in the UK and I thought everything was going to be great (although I knew she was going to be hurt since I didn't speak to her for quite awhile but I thought she would understand doing a Masters is very intense and I needed this time to focus on my career).

I was waiting at the airport after a 12 hour flight, for about 6 hours in the airport and then she texted me it was over. I was so hurt but I accepted it and I told her that we needed to work on our relationship and friendship and maybe we might resume what we had. I told her that we both needed to be 100% honest if we wanted this to work. She agreed. I asked her if there was someone else and she said none. Fast forward 2 weeks. I talked to her mother and she revealed that this guy was dropping her to the airport (because she had a meeting beforehand at the opposite side of the city and wouldn't make it to the airport in time). I was suspcious because I knew all her very few friends there and she never mentioned him. I looked at her phone and found EVERYTHING! She was cheating on me with him (and later on I found another guy).

I confronted her and she said she didn't feel like we were in a relationship while I was writing my thesis and she felt it was okay to leave me. I was so hurt but again, I accepted this and I asked her to just focus on us and stop seeing him for a while. If it didn't work out, I would leave. Remember, that I moved this country for an internship so I didn't have a place to go. And I knew no one in the country at the time. She said no! She said she knew everything about me since we dated for 2.5 years, and she needed to explore our friendship while he is new and she wanted to explore physicality with him. I told her this hurt me so much and she said since I hurt her, she can hurt me.

Throughout this time at her flat, it was horrible. She would always leave me alone and spend time with him. When she came home, she was so happy and when she spent time with me, she seemed uncomfortable and sad. She just looked happy when she was messaging him. I even told her it was rude to message him in front of me and she just freaked out telling me I was controlling her. She was so cold hearted, she would yell at me because I didn't know where to go in the city (I just moved there remember). She told me that she felt like she was my mother (again, I knew nothing about Europe and this country and just asked her for help). She told me, why would she want to spend time with me since I'm always sad? I didn't understand why she expected me to be happy. She dressed up for him. Put on make-up, changed her wardbrobe for him and even made him tea. I lived with her and she didn't even offer to make me some tea as courtsey. She even messaged me to tell me she's sleeping in the same hotel room as him and I told her that I was so hurt and she said it shouldn't matter because we are not together.

Fast forward to end June, she was totally cold and mean to me. She texted me at work to tell me she loves him and for me to get out. It was really hard for me to get a place and expensive and I was leaving back home for my defense anyways so why would I get a place of my own already. She told me she was so mean to me because she loves him and she wants me out. She made that quite clear. She even helped me put all my stuff in my new flat so the process would be quicker. The last day, when I picked up the last stuff of mine, I found out he was already sleeping in her flat. I was so hurt by that and she said it doesn't matter to her. I missed my bus on the last day and she just told me to wait at the bus shack and didn't even look back at me. That was the last time I ever saw her. She hasn't contacted me until the end of July to tell me how her life is so great and how she's so happy and she just wanted to drop something I left at her home. She likes this guy because he's older than her (she's 31, I'm 25 and he's like 34 and has his own business and a car and even a child from another woman who he left).

 

The basic story is this. I cannot make an excuse. I did not treat her well because I worked on my thesis too hard and didn't give her the attention she required and demanded of me. I used the fact that I was working hard to get the position in the UK to be with her eventually. In my mind, struggle in the present is worth happiness in the future. So I did hurt her because she felt neglected. She told me that it was my fault that she cheated and I'm not sure if that's true but I am not 100% innocent and I want to make sure that you guys know that I'm not trying to play the innocent victim here. I was devestated about how she left me and how she treated me.

 

Should I win her back and if yes, how do I win her back from this other guy? I have been heartbroken since May so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

Oh wow! I read the whole thing and actually truly felt bad for you during the parts where she obviously treated you like ****. You have to know that, right? You said that you hurt her when you were busy working on your paper and neglected her. Did she know you were working on your thesis at the time and did you tell her beforehand that you wouldn't be able to talk to her as much bc you were working your ass off to get done and be with her? If she already knew the situation then she really doesn't have the right to be so mad, and she should have broke up with you if she knew she couldn't handle the distance for that time. If you never told her that you were gonna be really busy for a while and just stopped contact then I can see why she would be upset. BUT... besides that the way she treated you was awful. No offense but she sounds heartless, you don't treat someone you care about like that no matter if your breaking up or seeing someone else. You would think she had a little compassion. It seems like she tried really hard to show you how happy she was without you. So to answer your question based on what I read, I don't think you should try to win her back (I was gonna say I don't know why you want to be with someone like that but when your feelings are involved it clouds the judgment). People usually don't change and she's already cheated on you a few times, right? What makes you think she won't do it again. I really think you deserve better than this even if you don't see it. She would love the fact if you went to her asking to get back together, that would boost her ego even more. If anything you want her to think your doing just fine without her. Then she will start to wonder why your not contacting her.

Was she a good girlfriend when things were normal, did she make you happy?

[theredpill]

Dude, if a woman is in a relationship you say "hey I think you're cool if the situation changes - call me" and then you walk away.

 

Only weak minded fools get involved with women who are involved with someone else, because these kinds of people male or female are trouble and you've found out the hard way, what's worse is you think you can salvage this, you do know it's likely she cheated on you too?

 

Time to go find a single girl fella... karma is real