Character Changes whilst in affair?

[ShatteredLady]

The first time my husband had an affair I was truly worried about his mental health! He's 'normally' a very gentle, kind man. Everyone says it. He's the real Mr Nice Guy. He suffers from depression & was a little withdrawn for a couple of weeks. Then one Saturday we came home from shopping & he just sat silently, then asked, "Are you Happy?". We had been in America for a couple of years. I was throwing parties for his work friends, dinners, etc to find friends. I thought everything was going well.

Anyway, the "Are you happy?" turned into a long 'confession' about how pretty much everything about me made him miserable. We talked in through. I cried a lot. I set about trying to change. As the weeks progressed he turned into this monster! Extreme, venomous verbal violence. I thought it was all my fault. I'd broken him by being such a terrible person. I was completely isolated & fell into a desperate depression. I should of left. He was pushing & pushing but I took my marriage vows very seriously. He wasn't himself. He was alien. Something was mentally very wrong with him. I stuck it out.

To cut a long story short it got so bad that a woman, a complete stranger, secretly handed me an abused woman's rescue details card after observing us for 10 minutes in a shop! It was that bad!

 

I later found that a woman he worked with had been dumped by her boyfriend & needed a shoulder to cry on. Mr Nice Guy to the rescue!! It became an affair really fast. He even encouraged me to throw HER a birthday party at our house. I felt like such an idiot! She 'accidentally' spilt wine on our wedding album! Told me how lovely my husband was!! Ugh!

 

After D-Day he promised to stop. Didn't! Eventually they split & he was truly remorseful & back to my husband. Mr Nice Guy. The character change was so incredibly extreme. I know he had to paint me as a terrible, unlovable person to justify why he was doing something so morally wrong (to him) Mr Nice Guy doesn't cheat on his wife! Mr Nice Guy doesn't reject a lady in need either!!

 

Fast forward 12 years. We have 2 beautiful little children. I have chronic pain. I nearly die (long story) & get very depressed. He looses his job & his new job is terrible. Suddenly Mr Nice Guy vanishes! It's not as bad as before but he blindsided me with a forum post stating he was choosing between "Love, Romance & Adventure" & a life of blah with his crippled wife & kids! (I posted about this) for months I'm wracked with guilt for being this selfish pain burden (although I've battled SO hard not to be a cripple & just keep pushing through. (Part of the 'nearly dieing stuff). Then Mothers Day I find the receipt for our "Buy 1 get 1 half price" flowers he sent to BOTH of us. Things start to make sense. He's been having an EA with HER since the start of November!

 

Oh I feel like I'm ranting desperately now! I'm sorry! I guess my question is....Is this common for unfaithful partners? Has anyone else experienced this? Do people become monsters to their partners while focusing on the other woman/man?

Edited August 14, 2015 by ShatteredLady

[truncated]

sadly, you may be seeing who he is when he is under pressure. "Mr. Nice Guy" may not be as nice as he pretends to be, and reconciling that with the image of how he sees himself might be why he blames you.

 

It's easy to blame someone else for your bad behavior.

 

I know it might not be much comfort, but if he does move on to someone else, he will eventually show her that side too.

 

You are not to blame for his actions or choices. That's all on him.

[ShatteredLady]

I know this sounds silly but he's even been mean to our cat! He loves that cat but for the last 8-9 months he's been rejecting & cruel. Now, in the last couple of weeks since its over, he's affectionate & kind to her. Has more patience with the kids. He's "Him" again.

 

We've been together for 25 years! I'd completely forgiven & mostly forgotten about his affair until I saw HER name on the flowers receipt! I've since done the despicable things like reading his emails. It took her 3 mails to have him! After a month he was sending her expensive bouquets of flowers. He sent her children my favorite children's books to read with our kids! It was so fast!! So many lies & betrayals while I'm blaming myself & my health because he's telling me that's the problem.

[SycamoreCircle]

I can only speak for my relationship. Yes. They become venomous. They project their own behavior onto you. They set out to destroy you. And after they destroy you, they destroy you some more. They turn into something else. And that something else has nothing to do with love. They lie to themselves and everyone around them. They believe their own lies. They use your intimacy as a weapon of destruction.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm venting here because I feel like I'm loosing my mind! There are so many straws on my back that I just can't take anything else & now I've got a cancer scare! It's just more than I can take. It's been so long. Me blaming myself. Trying to fight my pain & depression & fix our marriage while he's telling her everything & making a mockery of our family. I'm sorry guys. I'm just so lost.

[ShatteredLady]

Sycamore. Thank you. What happened with your marriage. Did you recover & move on?

[goodyblue]

I'm venting here because I feel like I'm loosing my mind! There are so many straws on my back that I just can't take anything else & now I've got a cancer scare! It's just more than I can take. It's been so long. Me blaming myself. Trying to fight my pain & depression & fix our marriage while he's telling her everything & making a mockery of our family. I'm sorry guys. I'm just so lost.

 

Is it the same woman? I wonder if they have kept in touch all this time?

[SycamoreCircle]

Sycamore. Thank you. What happened with your marriage. Did you recover & move on?

I feel a bit selfish responding to you---no marriage, we lived together. But...I loved her deeply.

 

What happened? The good news is...y'know how people come on LS with their stories and always apologize at the beginning for the length of the post? As months go on and you keep telling your story and those months turn into a year, eventually you get tired of telling the story. I could tell you my story but it resembles every other story on LS.

 

Am I over it? No, not completely. There's still traces of anger and sadness. But slowly the reality of who the person is overshadows whatever romantic projection you had of them and you start to see things for what they really are.

 

Your guy is never going to be faithful to you. He's got to work on himself. You have to get away from him or he's going to keep hurting you. I'm sorry. I wish there was a different answer. But people that do this stuff have a serious journey they have to undertake, and they have to do it alone.

[ShatteredLady]

Yes! It's the same woman! She has reached out over the years but he's not responded...except once. I found an old mail where he sent her a picture of our son when he was 2 (now 9). My husband says he doesn't remember sending it to her. He does have a terrible memory. He's a geek so it's hard to know what's hidden but I've found the first contact this time & it started the beginning of November.

The problem is they were a close team at work so the "team catch-up" mails come through. I don't believe it's been going on all this time. I know it's not! She's lived all over the country. She's in Florida at the moment, we're in Texas, which is why it's 'just' an EA...for a woman, for me, it doesn't matter. It's crippling. The disrespect. Oh there aren't words! I know others have been through worse. It's just my life has so much pain recently with all sorts of different things, family, health etc.

Edited August 15, 2015 by ShatteredLady

[goodyblue]

Yes! It's the same woman! She has reached out over the years but he's not responded...except once. I found an old mail where he sent her a picture of our son when he was 2 (now 9). My husband says he doesn't remember sending it to her. He does have a terrible memory. He's a geek so it's hard to know what's hidden but I've found the first contact this time & it started the beginning of November.

The problem is they were a close team at work so the "team catch-up" mails come through. I don't believe it's been going on all this time. I know it's not! She's lived all over the country. She's in Florida at the moment, we're in Texas, which is why it's 'just' an EA...for a woman, for me, it doesn't matter. It's crippling. The disrespect. Oh there aren't words! I know others have been through worse. It's just my life has so much pain recently with all sorts of different things, family, health etc.

 

I'm going to share something with you. Everyone here knows my story, but I was OW.

 

My h (who was my MM years ago) was married and felt his marriage was unsatisfactory, but he just settled into it and decided that was all he was ever going to have. We met when I was in my early 20's. We did not have an affair, but most certainly did have an EA. We decided it was wrong, and moved away from each other, less contact, etc. But we never lost contact. We stayed in touch our whole lives, through children, my marriage and divorce, etc. Then SEVENTEEN years later it became a physical affair. This was a decision we made. When I look back, I know I always loved him, but we were in other relationships and didn't pursue anything.

 

The last time we connected and it became physical, we made plans for him to leave his wife. We ha a time frame, we had plans, we were going forward, and we did. We worked toward it, all while having an affair. It was a terribly wrong thing to do, it hurt his ex wife to no end, and years later she really still is not over it.

 

I can defend our actions all day (they hadn't had sex in twelve years, he didn't love her, was lonely, she was only there for the money and is also an alcoholic) but it really doesn't matter. What matters is, it happened. We are happily married and have been for some time now.

 

The reason I am sharing this with you, is that what you are describing sounds a lot like what my h's ex wife would have described. The only difference was that he was not cruel to her. But he certainly did finally completely check out of the marriage, she just didn't notice.

 

I'm not trying to scare you or hurt your feelings, I'm telling you to investigate. Find out for yourself what is going on, how far back it goes, and what has been going on.

 

This is just my opinion, I don't know him or you but if I were you I would not stay married to someone who did that to me. We felt justified in our actions (there is no justification for an affair) and we had to do lots of healing and therapy in order to get our heads on straight and have a healthy relationship. I just wonder if they are planning on having a relationship whether they stay married or not.

 

Just something to think about. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I"m just trying to explain the scenario how they may be seeing it. When we were in the affair part of our relationship, his ex was literally a non entity to us. It was only later that I realized the pain we caused her. Chances are they don't even care how you are feeling.

 

I hope you find a way to get what you need and find some sort of peace in all this. And for god's sake, protect yourself. Your assets, any proof, anything you can think of.

Edited August 15, 2015 by goodyblue

[minimariah]

OP -

 

your husband had an A with the OW 12 years ago... and now rekindled that affair with the same OW? am i getting this right?

 

edit - it is the same woman, i just got it. sorry.

 

i think you should pay close attention to goodyblue's post... unfortunately, i think a similar scenario is about to happen in your situation.

Edited August 15, 2015 by minimariah

[goodyblue]

OP -

 

your husband had an A with the OW 12 years ago... and now rekindled that affair with the same OW? am i getting this right?

 

edit - it is the same woman, i just got it. sorry.

 

She said it is the same woman. That the woman has reached out to him over the years after the first affair but he didn't respond until this last time.

 

That is what worries me. Very similar to us, except our affair was only EA until seventeen years later, and we are M now! This could happen to her if she doesn't do something. I'm not sure she could stop it anyway, but she can protect herself... her kids etc.

[ShatteredLady]

This time she's in Florida & it's EA. he's stopped all contact now & he's devastated. I've got so much to think about. The complete flip in character is what's the most shocking. It's not like we've been together a couple of years. It's 25 years & he's only been like this twice! I think it's a necessary mental thing for him to do to himself. He's flipped between mean & suicidal over the last months.

He's a stranger in the mails to her. Pretending he likes music he hates. He's an atheist but was being religious with her. I don't know! Please keep talking. I've got so much buzzing in my head.

[goodyblue]

I lived 1700 miles away. It didn't stop us.

 

Lots of people who are having affairs, once they are found out, go underground. They get disposable phones, private email addresses, you name it. Just be careful. Be smart. Don't believe anything he says right now until he proves it.

[road]

Yes! It's the same woman! She has reached out over the years but he's not responded...except once. I found an old mail where he sent her a picture of our son when he was 2 (now 9). My husband says he doesn't remember sending it to her. He does have a terrible memory. He's a geek so it's hard to know what's hidden but I've found the first contact this time & it started the beginning of November.

The problem is they were a close team at work so the "team catch-up" mails come through. I don't believe it's been going on all this time. I know it's not! She's lived all over the country. She's in Florida at the moment, we're in Texas, which is why it's 'just' an EA...for a woman, for me, it doesn't matter. It's crippling. The disrespect. Oh there aren't words! I know others have been through worse. It's just my life has so much pain recently with all sorts of different things, family, health etc.

 

 

 

 

This why NC is a must.

 

 

This is why your WH had to leave that job because the OW did not and NC has never been fully maintained.

 

 

Thus the affair has restarted.

[minimariah]

It's 25 years & he's only been like this twice!

 

sweetheart, ONCE is too much... let alone twice with the same woman.

it's been going on for way too long.

[truncated]

Right now, your health should be your top priority, and having this extra stress on yourself is not good for you.

 

Little by little, he's wearing you down, and that's not good for you, and not good for your kids. You seem to be forgetting "yo" and who you are without him.

 

I have read about something called " the 180", where a bs starts putting themselves first and living their life as if the ws is not longer a factor in it.It doesn't mean a marriage is ending, but that the bs is gathering strength and starting the process of finding themselves again.

[Confused48]

Getting back to the OP's original theme,,, yes my WS, and a lot of WS, demonize their BS during an affair. It can get pretty extreme. In my case WS called me "Blue eyed Satan" and other such things on a regular basis. Now that the affair is over I'm back to soul mate and such.

 

Do I believe it? Well yes, to people like my WS, people that are easily caught up into infatuation, yes WS now only sees the good in my and us.

 

I'm the same person. We have the same relationship, with ups and downs.

 

Do I understand the the right other person can come along at any moment and I will again become Satan in WS opinion? Of course, and that is not an easy way to live.

[casey.lives]

i think people can change for the worst and it not be their fault or a true representation of who they really are. I have been watched by my ex and his girlfriend for the last three years .. every day.. every move.. every thought.. this is the most unimaginable level of betrayal ever conceived! i have no privacy and no can help me and it's driving me crazy!!! ***gorilla theater... that's what there calling me . 3yrs i don't even recognize myself!

Edited August 15, 2015 by casey.lives

[AlwaysGrowing]

For most people...we can not be the "bad" guy...in our OWN eyes. That would require telling ourselves that we are not a good person. So...we project that onto someone/s else.

 

The best descriptor I have read about this is......

 

For every lie I told my spouse...I told myself two.

 

That is how one can maintain a positive/unguilty internal view of SELF....while doing/acting in ways that highlight just how not good of a person they are.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you everyone for your perspective. Every day that we move past this I'm getting less 'insane' & he's 'Him' again. He's playing with the kids, he's kind & funny, he's 'him'. It's so hard to explain the 'change' & that's what I'm really thinking about.

When this started I could tell but I was in such a dark place, so was he. He had all of my surgery & health fears & all the family stress AND loosing his job & mid life crisis. I asked "Is there someone else?". I have NEVER asked that before. Not in 25years. Not in 12 years since they split (the team was disbanded no-one left. I don't know if that makes a difference) Even then I KNEW something was VERY wrong. This is within a week of them getting back in contact. I could tell pretty much to the day that he asked her to create a less "obvious email" o they could talk. It took me 9 months of hell to get the truth but I knew. The change is that extreme.

 

My husband knows there's something wrong with him. More than depression. He describes depression as a slippery slope & you drop off the edge with guilt & confusion & this other person takes over. As he says (without me saying it first) "I'm not that person. I can't stand to hear the things I said. I don't say things like that! I have a memory of it but it's weird".

 

I know what some of you are going to say but we've grown-up together. Not in a get married, have kids, life takes over way. We've taken 'years out' just to be together 24/7. We've travelled & partied. We had kids very late. That's why we have small kids now. Only recently after our 2nd child & when we first came to America did life 'take over'.

We're English.

 

He's always had depression but it's usually self deprecating. These are the 2 occasions of nihilism. The first 12 years ago was abuse. I've dealt with that. This time it's nihilism. "Life has no meaning. Destroy it!".

[ShatteredLady]

Hugs Casey,

 

"i think people can change for the worst and it not be their fault or a true representation of who they really are. I have been watched by my ex and his girlfriend for the last three years .. every day.. every move.. every thought.. this is the most unimaginable level of betrayal ever conceived! i have no privacy and no can help me and it's driving me crazy!!! ***gorilla theater... that's what there calling me . 3yrs i don't even recognize myself!"

 

I truly get this. I don't recognize myself. Now I'm angry! It's so much healthier. I know my calmer (occasionally) view has a lot to do with him being 'back' to him but honestly, ANGER! Is healthier than the crazy. ;-)

[ShatteredLady]

"For every lie I told my spouse...I told myself two. ". Very true but let me add, 'and he told her 3!".

[flowergirl14]

So are you asking wether or not you should believe the "nice guy" routine? If your asking if this is common going from monster to nice guy repeatedly. What other relationship family or friends or romantic would you ever put up with that behavior? I too had a cheating h who raged at me and the children. Who was depressed. He was mean to the dogs. Hated everything. I stuck by him..not knowing about the affair. He was also getting wasted every weekend. So we had an abusive drunk cheating lying h and father. Is that ever ok? NO Fast forward 3 years. Now my husband is mr. Nice guy. Good father, mr. Fix it , family vacations, you name it. Our personal relationship is much better. Sex everyday . One big problem is that my h is cheating again. So to me the cheater wears many masks. Its what and how much you are willing to put up with. What is your threshold?

[ShatteredLady]

Oh flowergirl, my heart goes out to you. I can imagine the pain S**t! What are you going to do now? He can really be loving & passionate AND have an affair? Is it a new woman? Are you going to divorce him now? How can people do this to people they 'love'? I'm so sorry.