fanine Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 (edited) I'm in a difficult situation with a male married friend. We met around 5 months ago through our mutual interest in a particular sport. We immediately hit it off and got on so well. I had a bit of a crush on him but as I knew he was married thought nothing of it. I'm mid 40s, he is 51. Then around 6 weeks after we met I was on holiday and he started messaging me and we were in constant contact. It got quite sexual what we were talking about as well... Anyway after around 3 weeks of that we decided to end all the messaging. He told me he was sorry and that he was in an unhappy marriage but he felt bad with our messaging etc and its nature. I agreed as I felt bad too knowing he was married. He opened up saying his marriage had been bad for years but he had decided it would cause more pain and disruption if he left, so he had decided to just stick it out, even though he felt unloved and unappreciated... We got back to just being normal friends, though we are very close and when we are out together training in our sport we end up acting like a couple. I then went away again last week. He was on holiday too and he began texting me all day again. This time nothing sexual but just good mornings and chat etc etc. We were talking about all sorts. Then suddenly he just stopped and was all formal with me and went from 50 odd texts a day to barely one. I pulled him up on this and told him just to be normal with me - not hot or cold - otherwise I could not maintain even a friendship as it was not fair on my feelings. He agreed, saying he is messed up in his life and head at the moment. That he values my friendship and asked me to bare with him. That he is just trying to stay sensible and focused. I am finding the situation so hard though. I am in love with him. I know that. He has been a perfect gentlemen and has not made a single move on me - even though I know he fancies me. He makes sure we are not in situations where we are alone, will not come to my flat etc. We mainly meet around something to do with our sport that we do together. I just don't know whether I should cut all ties due to my feelings for him. It would make me very sad as he does feel like my best friend. We have mutual friends that would wonder what is happening, and I fear it might affect my enjoyment of my sport which I would hate as it is my life, if I cut all ties. He teaches the sport I do so would affect where I train. I do feel though as long as we are good friends I will find it very hard to start dating, to forget my feelings for him and well find myself not moving on when I know I have to. I certainly don't want an affair with him - well I guess we pretty much have an emotional affair - but no way would I go as far as anything physical with him while he is married. I just feel so stuck and it is difficult to tell anyone what is happening. I know I should be there as a friend and value our friendship and the happiness it brings me - but at the same time my heart is breaking as I cannot be with him. Edited August 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Separated paragraphs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 You have only known this man for a very short period of time. He's married. Just walk away. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fanine Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 But then I have to give up my training and a big part of my social circle if I cut him out of my life completely - and we are very good friends - even though it has been a short time. As I said I dont want an affair with him - he doesnt want an affair with anyone either. I'm asking for advice on how to deal with this situation while stuck in it. Walking totally away is basically impossible 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 I'm sorry - walking away is NOT impossible. You need to do exactly that. Make new friends. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 But then I have to give up my training and a big part of my social circle if I cut him out of my life completely - and we are very good friends - even though it has been a short time. As I said I dont want an affair with him - he doesnt want an affair with anyone either. I'm asking for advice on how to deal with this situation while stuck in it. Walking totally away is basically impossible I'd just have a meeting of the minds on boundaries like two mature adults hon - agree to some that don't involve sex and flirting, resolve to abide by them, and then just do so. It's within your power and his if you man/woman up. And in the meantime you could start dating to get your mind off him romantically. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 No brainer. Quit making excuses and walk away. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 You need to at the very least put up HUGE barriers in this relationship. You already established one -- no more texting. Barrier 2: you get a new training partner barrier 3: you are NEVER alone with him, ever. You can see him in groups / your circle but not alone 3 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 You're being groomed! Read some of the OW/OM threads. That will give you an idea of where things will go and how it will end for you should you refuse to cut ties. You met him all of five months ago! Why is he suddenly so critical and essential to your existence and happiness??? You survived just fine in February before he popped up. I'm quite confident you would not die if you had no contact with him in September. Please see your situation for what it is. Two people headed for an affair, while protesting to no one in particular that they have no intention of proceeding there. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess this isn't his first time at the rodeo. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 He is not your best friend. Best friends can hang out together, go around to each others houses, call each other up, meet and spend time with each other's spouses and kids, sometimes even know each others parents and extended family. You are not best friends with him, he is just a secret crush and that is all you are to him. He has a whole other life outside of the bit of time he sees or texts you. In that life he has family, friends, activities, and whole bunch of other stuff going on that you are not a part of at all. Don't confuse friendship with lust and romantic fantasy. It cheapens the meaning of a true friend. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 So you didn't have a best friend till 5 months ago? I suggest you find somewhere else to do your sport and cut contact with him. No good can come of having another woman's husband as your best friend. Leave him to deal with his confusion and decision to stay in an unhappy marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 We met around 5 months ago You haven't invested a lot of time into him, less than 6 months and on some level you really don't "know" him so how can he be your best friend? Anyway, leave him alone and go NC. If you don't you're gonna end up hurting much more than you already are. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Walk away. Walk away walk away walk away!!!!! Nothing good can come from this. There is no happy outcome here. Cut it off! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 You've admitted that you are in love with him. He is a married man and if it means giving up you sport (there) to save yourself then do. Are there other places you can play that sport? What is it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Of course I agree with the others that you should walk away; they told me the same. If you ignore that advice as I did, I suggest that you at minimum read all the stories you can on this board, including some of the terrible ones where unplanned pregnancies happened, etc. Also read the Infidelity board as a reminder of what you're doing to his wife and as a reminder of the s*it storm that will happen if she finds out. Finally, I suggest that you try reading a couple of books about affairs, and search for "mid life crisis" (may or may not be what he's experiencing). All of this should help you realize that sadly, what you are both feeling is not special or unique. Powerful, sure. But not unique, and almost certainly doomed. Mentally prepare yourself for the torture and heartache that you are very likely signing up for. He's already told you he doesn't want to leave his wife, and if you are thinking you're going to change his mind, you've got a VERY long road ahead of you. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. It's very tough to feel such intense, in love feelings for someone who you know is off-limits to you, especially seeing as those feelings are returned. Sending you best wishes and strength in the weeks ahead, whatever path you choose. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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