I don't know what to expect next

[headstrongAZ3030]

I don’t quite know where to start. I have been a lurker for quite sometime and just thought I would seek some advice, thought… whatever come out here…

 

I have been in a 2.5 year relationship with a MM. Initially (same old story) he was getting divorced, I had just filed. I didn’t want to jump from the pan to the fire… However, here I am. His marriage was pretty broken. We see each other everyday and spend several nights a week together. We go out on dates, travel, do holidays… It’s a normal relationship from my side.

 

I make excuses and justify things for him. “it took me 2 kids, 5 years and a crazy ex-husband and I still didn’t file” Its easy to do those things.

 

But… I am here because of where I am today. There were several D-Days recently. One she trashed the house, freaked out… He didn’t leave. Two.. She tried to kill commit suicide… he called me when he found her… Three... She cleaned out the bank accounts and got an attorney… He’s still here… Four… He didn’t go on a business trip and went home… She kicked him out… He’s been here for 2 weeks.

 

There have been others, the text messages not to talk to him. He tells her to stop. But he never leaves. She has not ever made contact with me or done anything to reach out… His position is that his marriage has been over for years. He stays because of her threats.

 

Its so weird though. It’s comfortable with him. We’ve been together for so long and are partners; I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

The other day he was talking about how he was missing so much with his kids. I can see the hurt on his face when he leaves to take them out to dinner just to return them a few hours later. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation with her. I suggested going home and making the best out of it. She’s falling apart and the kids are too. He said… It’s too far past that.

 

I know she wants to work on things. She’s had some contract drawn up, asked him if it was what he really wanted, suggested separation for a little bit, wants to talk to the bishop.

 

I just don’t know. He and I never future faked. We never promised we’d be together until the end of time. We have just been in love. We have walked through two different cancers, my divorce (it took 3 years) and here we are still standing. But I am just sitting here thinking that something is going to hit. He is going to go back… I don’t know why, I shouldn’t feel that way. I am just preparing myself for that day.

 

My mind tells me to stay gone at that point. Because if he goes back, even “just for the boys”… He’s going back. I think that I have committed over two years to him. In some way thought he would be going back to her. I see the guilt when she sends a text telling him he’s awful, saying he’s crazy “what planet are you from?”…

 

I don’t know this turned into a ramble and I guess I am not asking anything. I just dont know what is next. What I should expect...

 

 

 

My mind is lost.

[AngeliqueC]

Okay, so are you both LDS?

[sandylee1]

… I am here because of where I am today. There were several D-Days recently.*One*she trashed the house, freaked out… He didn’t leave.*Two.. She tried to kill commit suicide… he called me when he found her…*Three... She cleaned out the bank accounts and got an attorney… He’s still here…*Four… He didn’t go on a business trip and went home… She kicked him out… He’s been here for 2 weeks.*

------------------------------------------------

This could be his opportunity to bow out of the marriage and if he doesn't and decides to stay in the situation he tells you is pretty much miserable....you know he isn't going to leave her.

 

It seems he'd prefer to take the affair underground.

 

His wife wants a contract that they abide by as part of reconciliation. I suspect they'll do MC and IC. If he commits to that, then he's outwardly showing he wants the marriage. I think you should bow out if this happens and pursue happiness elsewhere. This is just heartache for you.

 

If she later finds out the affair is still going on, then she'll likely divorce and will really go for the jugular because of the deceit of false remorse.

 

You may or may not be concerned about citing your name on the D papers.

 

She hasn't reached out to you so far and may never do so. She may expose you without contacting you. It just depends on what type of person she is.

[Sassy Girl]

Honesty, he does not sound like a safe bet at all.

 

You've gone from crazy ex to honestly, conflict avoidant broken man.

 

You know that he's 50% responsible for the broken marriage right? And he has poor coping mechanisms. He sounds wishy washy with even making a decision. For real? He's had 2.5 years and 4 d-days to choose you and he's still posturing.

 

Doesn't get much easier for a man to leave than this.

 

Cut and run. Chalk it up to experience and try and set a better example for your kids next time.

[casey.lives]

If a man is going to leave, he's going to do it at the beginning when the passion is high. Now, you're a huge reason why he CAN endure a "loveless" relationship. He has everything perfectly worked out. You essentially fixed his relationship and made it ideal. The gaping hole that he should have that would drive him out of a bad situation has been filled, you're so loving and supportive (you help a man be a bad person) you still screwed yourself over.... oh and he has his babies!!! well.. good luck.

Edited August 15, 2015 by casey.lives

[headstrongAZ3030]

Okay, so are you both LDS?

 

No we both arent LDS.

[Fortunesfool 79]

I am the last person to offer advice right now. I do know it's gonna hurt either way...pick the hurt that let's you keep some sanity. Wish you the best.

[headstrongAZ3030]

… I am here because of where I am today. There were several D-Days recently.*One*she trashed the house, freaked out… He didn’t leave.*Two.. She tried to kill commit suicide… he called me when he found her…*Three... She cleaned out the bank accounts and got an attorney… He’s still here…*Four… He didn’t go on a business trip and went home… She kicked him out… He’s been here for 2 weeks.*

------------------------------------------------

This could be his opportunity to bow out of the marriage and if he doesn't and decides to stay in the situation he tells you is pretty much miserable....you know he isn't going to leave her.

 

It seems he'd prefer to take the affair underground.

 

His wife wants a contract that they abide by as part of reconciliation. I suspect they'll do MC and IC. If he commits to that, then he's outwardly showing he wants the marriage. I think you should bow out if this happens and pursue happiness elsewhere. This is just heartache for you.

 

If she later finds out the affair is still going on, then she'll likely divorce and will really go for the jugular because of the deceit of false remorse.

 

You may or may not be concerned about citing your name on the D papers.

 

She hasn't reached out to you so far and may never do so. She may expose you without contacting you. It just depends on what type of person she is.

 

@sandylee1 - I am poor at conveying what I meant. I just mean he hasn't left me. Even after the threats... He isn't leaving me. He has told her he doesnt want the marriage. But I just feel like he is wanting her to file. Like he's afraid to pull that trigger.

 

There is also the feeling that he is giving her too much power. Shes able to tell him when/where and how he will see the kids. To me it just doesnt sit well. It is not his personality.

 

Honestly, she is not crazy. (mind you I dont know her) I think that it's a co-dependency issue. She went from her parents to him and thats what she has known.

[AngeliqueC]

My guess is she has already talked to the bishop and that's where the "contract" came from. Btw, do the have a covenant marriage or a regular one? Were they sealed in the temple? All those things will make a difference, legally and psychologically.

[headstrongAZ3030]

My guess is she has already talked to the bishop and that's where the "contract" came from. Btw, do the have a covenant marriage or a regular one? Were they sealed in the temple? All those things will make a difference, legally and psychologically.

 

They were sealed in the temple. I guess I don't know anything about the religion to understand the difference.

[AngeliqueC]

You live in AZ, right? They have two types of marriages, legally, there - covenant and regular. Covenant marriages are much more difficult to get a divorce from - and most religious folks - including LDS - see them as an extra step to protect the wife and prevent divorce. Google "covenant marriage arizona" and go to the .gov link that explains it

 

As for being sealed in the temple, that's a serious religious matter - rather akin to being married in the Catholic church. You might want to google that too, so you know what he is facing (ok, what they are facing) from not only their ward, but the whole church hierarchy.

[AngeliqueC]

Btw, some people who married before covenant marriages were instituted (I think it was in the late 80s or early 90s) had their regular marriages converted to covenant ones - there was a procedure you went thru, including counseling. So you can't just go by the date of the martiage alone. I don't know if you can find the marriage records online, but if they are in Maricopa county, you may find something through http://www.maricopa.gov - maybe under recorded docs.

[AngeliqueC]

Btw, some people who married before covenant marriages were instituted (I think it was in the late 80s or early 90s) had their regular marriages converted to covenant ones - there was a procedure you went thru, including counseling. So you can't just go by the date of the martiage alone. I don't know if you can find the marriage records online, but if they are in Maricopa county, you may find something through Maricopa County, Arizona - maybe under recorded docs.

[unluckycharms]

@sandylee1 - I am poor at conveying what I meant. I just mean he hasn't left me. Even after the threats... He isn't leaving me. He has told her he doesnt want the marriage. But I just feel like he is wanting her to file. Like he's afraid to pull that trigger.

 

There is also the feeling that he is giving her too much power. Shes able to tell him when/where and how he will see the kids. To me it just doesnt sit well. It is not his personality.

 

Honestly, she is not crazy. (mind you I dont know her) I think that it's a co-dependency issue. She went from her parents to him and thats what she has known.

 

To me, this shows how callous he is and how little respect he has for women. He's continuing to hurt his wife instead of doing the right thing and either leaving her to be with you or working on the marriage. Even if you love him, he's not a good person and you should get out now while it's (relatively) easy.

 

Our situations are not otherwise similar, but my ex continued to see me after his wife found out about me and after she made threats based on suspicions of us continuing - idiot had the nerve to tell me that this showed how much he cared about me because he was putting his marriage/financial situation at risk "for me". I bought into it for at first because it was easier to believe than the truth, which was that his behavior had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him being a coward and a terrible husband.

[sunburned]

As caseylives suggested, you are the marital bandaid. Strip yourself off his boo-boo and leave. Once he's has a chance to live without you, he will understand how much he misses and loves you. Right now he has it made. Let him see what life is like without you. Leave and go complete NC.

[Mount]

Come on people be real, give some practical reply instead of empty preaching.

 

Some of the OWs here that being treated by MMs like garbage or worst than gargabe for so many years, are still attaching to MMs even MMs do not want them. For this particular poster "headstrongAZ3030", her man has been always on her side despite his wife's drama. And you think your preaching asking her to NC?! You think it is possible?

 

Be real (in life).

 

As caseylives suggested, you are the marital bandaid. Strip yourself off his boo-boo and leave. Once he's has a chance to live without you, he will understand how much he misses and loves you. Right now he has it made. Let him see what life is like without you. Leave and go complete NC.

[goodyblue]

You live in AZ, right? They have two types of marriages, legally, there - covenant and regular. Covenant marriages are much more difficult to get a divorce from - and most religious folks - including LDS - see them as an extra step to protect the wife and prevent divorce. Google "covenant marriage arizona" and go to the .gov link that explains it

 

As for being sealed in the temple, that's a serious religious matter - rather akin to being married in the Catholic church. You might want to google that too, so you know what he is facing (ok, what they are facing) from not only their ward, but the whole church hierarchy.

 

I was born and raised LDS... you don't know what you are talking about.

[NewLeaf512]

If a man is going to leave, he's going to do it at the beginning when the passion is high. Now, you're a huge reason why he CAN endure a "loveless" relationship. He has everything perfectly worked out. You essentially fixed his relationship and made it ideal. The gaping hole that he should have that would drive him out of a bad situation has been filled, you're so loving and supportive (you help a man be a bad person) you still screwed yourself over.....

 

That's pretty much it

[sunburned]

Come on people be real, give some practical reply instead of empty preaching.

 

Some of the OWs here that being treated by MMs like garbage or worst than gargabe for so many years, are still attaching to MMs even MMs do not want them. For this particular poster "headstrongAZ3030", her man has been always on her side despite his wife's drama. And you think your preaching asking her to NC?! You think it is possible?

 

Be real (in life).

 

Mount, it's a little off topic for you to criticize my post rather than offer your own salient advice to the OP, based on the considerable amount of time you spent in a dead-end, future-faking relationship with your own MM. Just because you listened to the drivel of your MM for years and didn't take any advice doesn't mean someone else isn't open to hearing suggestions. The OP is new to LS. When I first joined LS (as a MOW no less), I never heard of NC. Because of LS, I employed it. It took time and it worked.

 

I can tell from your posts that English is not your first language. So I'd like to point out that my initial response to the OP was that if she went NC it could set off the lightbulb in her MM's brain that YES he really does love headstrongAZ enough to cut the cord with his W. My point is right now he doesn't have to D because he has AZ (in addition to W).

 

Sure the concept of NC is old hat to most of us, but we can't assume every NEW poster has heard of it, much less considered it. I was running with caseylive's splendid response that right now headstrongAZ is (ironically) the reason MM's marriage continues.

Edited August 15, 2015 by sunburned

[Mount]

Hey no need to bring up personal attack, although I had thought already you would go that - as I read real life, and some interesting human nature sometimes.

 

I never bought "future faking" (I am not that naive) and actually I constantly oppose to his future talking or his behavior to execute leaving as apparently it would hurt his wife one more time (> 4 times) , I get what I want from the relationship strategically and I always laid out what i want very straightforward. The MM somehow would take delusional actions that blew out his world, that was out of my control anyway, as his family got hurt.

 

Don't want HJ this thread, my whole point is life is real, very practical everyday.

 

And the most important, you or anyone can not project the treatment you got from the relationship with your (X)MM or (X)husband to other posters, as everyone or every relationship is SO different. Just becoz you were being treated like S^&*, it does not mean others are not being treated like a queen. Is that simple.

 

Mount, it's a little off topic for you to criticize my post rather than offer your own salient advice to the OP, based on the considerable amount of time you spent in a dead-end, future-faking relationship with your own MM. Just because you listened to the drivel of your MM for years and didn't take any advice doesn't mean someone else isn't open to hearing suggestions. The OP is new to LS. When I first joined LS (as a MOW no less), I never heard of NC. Because of LS, I employed it. It took time and it worked.

 

I can tell from your posts that English is not your first language. So I'd like to point out that my initial response to the OP was that if she went NC it could set off the lightbulb in her MM's brain that YES he really does love headstrongAZ enough to cut the cord with his W. My point is right now he doesn't have to D because he has AZ (in addition to W).

 

Sure the concept of NC is old hat to most of us, but we can't assume every NEW poster has heard of it, much less considered it. I was running with caseylive's splendid response that right now headstrongAZ is (ironically) the reason MM's marriage continues.

Edited August 16, 2015 by Mount

[headstrongAZ3030]

Honesty, he does not sound like a safe bet at all.

 

You've gone from crazy ex to honestly, conflict avoidant broken man.

 

You know that he's 50% responsible for the broken marriage right? And he has poor coping mechanisms. He sounds wishy washy with even making a decision. For real? He's had 2.5 years and 4 d-days to choose you and he's still posturing.

 

Doesn't get much easier for a man to leave than this.

 

Cut and run. Chalk it up to experience and try and set a better example for your kids next time.

 

Sassy Girl, I would agree with you. I don't know where you get the "set a better example for my kids next time" comment.

 

One thing to remember is that in some way we are all broken. Its the realization as to how that we come to terms with in our own time. I have read your responses and while you try to be straight I think you read into things a little too much.

 

Thank you for your suggestions.

[headstrongAZ3030]

If a man is going to leave, he's going to do it at the beginning when the passion is high. Now, you're a huge reason why he CAN endure a "loveless" relationship. He has everything perfectly worked out. You essentially fixed his relationship and made it ideal. The gaping hole that he should have that would drive him out of a bad situation has been filled, you're so loving and supportive (you help a man be a bad person) you still screwed yourself over.... oh and he has his babies!!! well.. good luck.

 

You are probably right about several things...

[headstrongAZ3030]

Come on people be real, give some practical reply instead of empty preaching.

 

Some of the OWs here that being treated by MMs like garbage or worst than gargabe for so many years, are still attaching to MMs even MMs do not want them. For this particular poster "headstrongAZ3030", her man has been always on her side despite his wife's drama. And you think your preaching asking her to NC?! You think it is possible?

 

Be real (in life).

 

I think you are the only one that caught that. It would be different if I felt like he asked to limit contact with me... its never been that way. Here we are always together... He is always here... He is supportive in every aspect of my life, often times his pays for it.

 

But still... something doesn't seem right. He will go back I am pretty sure and I will have to make that decision.

 

Thank you Mount for not turning judgy and telling me NC is the only way to go. NC is a means of ending a bad relationship that seems its in a perpetual cycle. Mine is not in a cycle... I just need to make a decision.

 

NC is not a weapon... its a means to an end.

[Mount]

Totally agree with you, NC is not a weapon or my perspective not some "foreplay" to start another cycle of push and pull. For OWs, either you stay in Affair, or exit the Affair. Push, pull, so-called NC, then push pull again, what is the point? nothing achieved and no gain either, only hurting OW herself.

 

Thanks for your words too, honestly as very practical as I am always, even I or everyone asks you to NC, you won't and are not able to do so anyway, so no point to even ask you to NC.

 

Your worry does make sense, but the dynamic or situation seems to be on your side, because his wife's drama only pushes him further away from wife, so he goes to you more. But again, you need to think through, if you really want him.

 

 

I think you are the only one that caught that. It would be different if I felt like he asked to limit contact with me... its never been that way. Here we are always together... He is always here... He is supportive in every aspect of my life, often times his pays for it.

 

But still... something doesn't seem right. He will go back I am pretty sure and I will have to make that decision.

 

Thank you Mount for not turning judgy and telling me NC is the only way to go. NC is a means of ending a bad relationship that seems its in a perpetual cycle. Mine is not in a cycle... I just need to make a decision.

 

NC is not a weapon... its a means to an end.

Edited August 17, 2015 by Mount