starting over

[tandersonsrt8]

My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years and have 2 children, with one being from her previous relationship that is 5 years old and one that we had together who is 1.5 years old. I am 26 and my wife is 30 years old and we have known each other for 3.5 years in total and met through a mutual friend. The pregnancy was high risk and she was on bed rest pretty much the whole second half and we lived with her mother while we found a place. Do to her insane amount of allergies she (we?) decided it was better to just build a house instead. Before the house could be completed we got in a big argument and I was kicked out of the house almost a year ago so I moved into an apartment thinking she would move in with me eventually but that never happened and we kept getting further and further apart.

 

I decided to file for divorce to make her move in or we would be done not thinking she would ever actually want to be divorced so the plan major back fired on me and we signed an agreement to put a hold on the divorce well we attend marriage counseling and try to stay together. She was happy during this whole time because in the agreement the kids lived with her, and I continued to give money to support her. Well now that the agreement it almost over in a little less than 2 months I have major anxiety over what is going to happen. I feel that I have put in so much effort into making this work and am forcing her to be with me. I even paid her lawyer bill of $6000 for child custody of her daughter with her ex during this time. I fell very hard for her daughter which makes this whole situation that much worse. If I continue with the divorce I end up leaving 2 of the most important people in my life. I always thought marriage couples put the spouse first but she believes the children always come first over anything. It makes me feel horrible when I get excited to spend time alone with my wife and talk like grownups and connect with each other but that never happened. She would stay at home with the kids and I would go to work and at 5pm when I got home we would eat dinner with her mother right there. Afterwards we would play with the kids watch tv and everything else all with her mother right there next to us. I slowly became depressed and would be irritable with my wife. It caused even more problems and her mother heard all about them and it was a disaster. Well now here we are living separately still and miserable. I see the kids 2-3 times a week with my wife always present. She will not leave them with my by myself for no reason at all. My family and friends are not allowed to see them because of this. Her family still gets to whenever they want and her brother pretty much sees my son more than I do. The problem is I am still madly in love with my wife and no matter how bad she treats me I just take it and make excuses to my family and friends about it. I push her away as far as I can but I cannot stay away from her. Part of the problem is in order to see the kids she has to be there. If she is in a bad mood I don't get to see the kids. It would be easy to leave this marriage if the kids were not involved but I cannot bring myself to leave all 3 of them for my own health. To help with the situation I just accepted a job that requires me to be traveling 6 days a week on the road for the next 2.5 months. I would have given anything to keep the family together for the kids. I wake up during the night dreaming about all of us together on a vacation in the future and it just brings me right down because I cannot fix this alone. It requires her to also be in 100% and it never will be because I am not a priority for her. Don't get me wrong I would easily take my life for the children if it came to that I just view my relationship with my wife to be the most important.

 

Okay so now I start my new job next Wednesday and if I can just make it to that point without seeing her I am in the clear. For that to happen I cant see my son though and it makes it impossible to not get over her like that. I have come to the idea to get her so pissed off that she will not talk to me at all and therefore when I ask to see my son she doesn't reply and I don't feel so guilty over it. She is the one that ultimately leaves me and ends this and we both can move on. None of either of our family and friends want us to be together because of everything that has happened. I started to get all of her friends hating me and to step up on telling her to get divorced. It scares me that if I let her allow what she has done to me over the past year get away I won't ever be able to say enough is enough and be done. I don't want to be the person cheated on and let them back in my life until it happens again. I also don't want to be the one to step outside of the marriage and cheat later on. It is just a bad deal. I am going to lose out on millions from my parents if I stay in this marriage they already have changed their will to exclude me and give my half to my brother instead because of where I am at in my life (no balls) and they will change it again once I am divorced if that happens. The house we are building is almost done and want to save it for my next start with life. I am living with my parents in the same city as her. The plan was to buy it from my parents for cheap to help us out and I don't want to move in there alone and wait for them to move in. I would rather let the house sit empty for a while before moving in.

 

I think the love is still there but it cannot grow with the current situation and it will never be given a chance to grow. Am I a terrible father/husband for pushing my wife away to divorce me and ruin my family and my kids future at a shot of it? I would be so excited if I found out she found someone else and had been cheating on me because it would be so easy to be done. I wish our problems were worse than they are so the hope inside of me was gone.

[sandylee1]

You should be allowed proper visitation of your child without supervision. See a lawyer and get it sorted out. You taking this job isn't dealing with the issue at all.

 

Does she not want to work on the marriage?

How is she during counselling?

What would she want from you in terms of changes to make it work?

 

I hate to say this, but is there any chance she just used you to get the house she wanted built, then kicked you out?

 

How serious was this argument to end the marriage?

It's better you filed for D, to avoid the state of limbo.

 

Does she suffer from mental illness at all?

 

Ultimately, if she doesn't love you, you have to move on no matter what. Are you sure there isn't another man? How could you really know for sure?

[tandersonsrt8]

I will have to get a lawyer to get it taken care of. I have just been putting it off because once that happens it all goes down very fast. I honestly think she doesn't know what she wants. I think she is perfectly fine without me in her life. I mean she will be a divorced 30 year old women, who has kids from 2 different fathers, who doesn't have any potential for a job that can support herself on her own and is living with her mother.

 

We have been to a few counselors the first one didn't except our insurance. The second one said there was nothing else he could do for us after 2 sessions and sent us to this new guy who we have had one session with so far. Basically she just talks about how horrible I am and my family and the minute I bring up her problems or her family into she tells the therapist it is off limits and wont continue to talk about it. She says I am bipolar but no one else thinks this except her and her mother. I went and saw a psychiatrist and they said it was most likely my ADHD and my medications for it that cause my moments of anger.

 

The argument we had was that I went to work and came home to find out she went with her mom and the kids to see santa at the mall without me for the first time my son would see him. Turned into yelling match with the 2 of them against me and she said I pushed her. Filed an order for protection on me which was removed by the judge saying there was no evidence of violence in the past and that was that. I would say I made the fight worse on purpose to make her pick a side between her mother or I. You can guess which side one and I have been on the losing side ever since. I hate her mother more than anything in this world and I bet she hates me just as much but we both love the same women and want whats best for her. I think if her mother just got laid a little and found a man she would quit living her life through her kids and quit micromanaging her kids life.

 

I don't know if there is another man or not. There easily could be I posted something in the infidelity page to ask there but very private with her phone and what not.

 

I just want the best life for the kids. I am out of my league with the whole legal system. She learned from the best. Her mother is still in court with her father after like 15 years. My wife does not talk to her father and I am afraid that once I leave she will use the kids to punish me like she does now by not letting me see them in the future.

 

And the house is not in our name at all so she will get none of it no matter what. My parents have paid for the whole thing and I have done a lot of it with my family (construction family) to save costs. We were going to get it at cost and save some money but the costs have exploded with my parents putting everything they wished a house could have and it has gone from 250k to double almost triple that amount.

 

I have major anxiety and guilt for being the one to end my marriage. I have waiting long enough in limbo to be able to answer the question "why didn't mommy and you stay together or why didn't you try harder" if it comes up in the future with knowing I did everything I could.