Is my LDR unhealthy?

[Dawn123]

I am sorry if this is long….I just really need guidance…

 

Although I would personally not call this "long distance", My boyfriend moved to another city in the SAME state that is about 1.5-2 hours away....for cheap rent and to be with his sister. I honestly do not believe it is a big deal because my sister leaves super close to him but he is making it really difficult to understand where we stand. He is very quiet and reserve about serious topics and would always tried to steer away from the subject about what could happen to us.

To prevent myself from being heartbroken, I attempted to break up regardless of me not wanting it but thinking it was for the best. Shockingly, he did not want us to end and how we will figure it out.So that gave me hope…

 

I called off work the day he was leaving. He said he was too busy moving to see me and left without even telling me until the very next day. For 2 weeks, I only received two phone calls. 1st week I called…2nd was him.

Maybe a txt or 2 a week. very short. he really has the worst habit of never showing communication skills, even with family. he has always been a the type to physically see some to start a conversation. Both weeks….he was too busy settling down and trying to find a job, interviews but we will be ok.

 

I got into a small car issue and called him out of habit and for once, he was “talkative” thinking i was in an accident and freaking out for my safety. Does it have to wait till I'm in a unsafe situation to show you care?

 

Eventually, I had to drop my sister back home to where he lives now and visited him after. I had plans to see him the next day and take him back to my city so he could visit everyone. Miscommunication gets in the way: my sister heavy sleeping finally ruined my life and I had to drive 2 hours home….just to drive 2 hours back in a few hours….Thats 400 miles in 2 days. *I couldn’t stay over my bf’s place since he lives with his sister…we never met so that just seems improper* Needless to say, he was shocked and disbelief that I would travel so much for him.

 

Unfortunately, our exciting road trip disappeared when we arrived to news that his friend passed away….he went on a binge of drinking and scenes of events lead to him having a break down on all the problems he's having involving getting use to a new life, not knowing what to do, the passing of his friend, and what we are going to do to make this work. He does not want me to go to his city for the reason of being with him.I would be an idiot to leave all I have for a man.

 

I have never felt so strong for a person and Im trying so hard to make it work. I have no connection to my city, I was willing to move down with my sister, found a job to start my career, create a new social life, and most importantly: be with him.

 I do not understand why I am being treated like this. He claims he wants to be with me and doesn’t want to break up but then he does this. He said he liked how I wasn’t clingy and overwhelming. I know that I have a very patient personality but when I get no sign of communication, I feel…..I just feel terrible being away from him. I tried to tell him many times but he just took it as me trying to act like his “mother”. he is confusing me and I do know what to do. He already has a hard time expressing his feelings to family and friends. He always opens up to me for things that bothers him but when it comes to our relationship, he doesn’t want to discuss it, when he tries he gets frustrated trying to express himself. He states that he feels like I am becoming a part of his life but he does not know what he suppose to be doing in life.

 

Please, Don't get me wrong! He is an amazing person, very knowledgable and always strives to learn more. Although he is has terrible social skills, all of his friends still value him as an important person. He is a man of his words which scares me at the moment and would always help someone in need. The list could continue on if need be.

 

We are still fairly young, mid 20s and I know we still have a longs way to grow. I wanted to see him grow in a positive way. He moved for a clean change, to improve himself I assume. Tired of the same city and daily routine. I want to be happy for him and I will if he shows that he is improving himself. It concerns me that he is an alcoholic and excessively drinks way too many beers each day. It concerns me that he moved for cheaper rent and got a new job doing the same thing: A server at a beer Restaurant/Bar. He would probably become friends with the same type of people he had up here.

 

What exactly changed? Even if we end up ending the relationship, I only hope that his sister could help him steer towards a healthier path. I wouldn’t know what to do if anything were to happen to him…

 

My friends told me that it will not work out, that I am trying too hard. That i am just not as important as I think I am. He would never want a future with you. Just stop before you get even more hurt.

 

But

 

His only one TRUE best friend here told me that I am trying very hard and such a loyal person. Every time my BF would talk to him about me, he always had something positive to say and just showed a different expression that even he can’t describe . He says that I get through to him when no one else could. “He may be a little stupid and hardheaded but do not doubt that he doesn’t care about you”.

 

For logical reasons, I am being stupid for listening to these damn emotions and should listen to the outside source telling me how they see it. Perhaps I am stupid for thinking this could work. Im tired of trying to make things work while he puts only little effort. He doesn’t have a car to come up here all the time. I am trying to be strong, we are trying to be strong. But I have NO idea what to do. I could usually let go for logical reasons, be sad a while, and just move on. But for once, being with him feels right. It has only been 3 weeks and I am loosing my mind. I do not know what course to take but all I know is that the future never looked so confusing but promising....is that weird?

[Dawn123]

My goodnesss....it was way longer than I thought....I apologies for the long read.

[ExpatInItaly]

What I got from all of this is that you make him a priority, yet he doesn't do the same for you. You put a lot more value on your connection than he does.

 

He didn't tell you he was leaving until he'd already left. You have so little communication between meetings it sounds more like a friendship. He drinks too much. He doesn't know what he wants out of life. He dismisses your concerns by accusing you of "mothering" him.

 

How long have you been together? It would concern me that he you haven't met his sister, with whom he lives. Have you visited his new place at all?

 

What exactly are you getting out this relationship? He's getting his needs met just fine, and you're not. Of course he doesn't want to break up. You're doing all the work while he sits back and does nothing, but reaps the benefits. I can't imagine that's the type of guy you envisioned yourself with.

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm going to break this down by your scores with respect to MAKING AN EFFORT towards keeping this relationship going.

 

You: 100%

Him: 0%

 

You're knocking yourself out to try to see him, planning your whole life to the minute and jumping all over like a trained seal in an effort to get his time and attention, driving hundreds of miles because HE sure ain't making any effort, and driving yourself crazy trying to make this work.

 

While he does nothing.

 

So he moved 'to be with his sister,' is that what he claims? LOL. Sounds like this guy - in his mid-20's - STILL doesn't have his sh*t together. He didn't move across the damned country, he moved a couple hours away - and he just dumped his unemployed ass in his sister's house WITHOUT even having gotten himself a job BEFORE moving there. How irresponsible can you be? This is the type of guy who'll ALWAYS be unemployed or under-employed. The type whose electricity will be cut off when he hasn't paid his bill, the one with the old truck rusting in his driveway because he cant afford the parts to fix it, and the one who'll always be renting because no bank in their right mind would ever give him a mortgage.

 

But I guarantee you that he'll ALWAYS have the money for a 6-pack of beer Always. Take that to the bank. And yes, you can tell all that just by his silly move to his sister's at HIS age and not even having had the damned sense to get himself a job before he started sponging off his sister. He's a supposed adult, not some irresponsible 17 year old kid.

I had plans to see him the next day and take him back to my city so he could visit everyone. Miscommunication gets in the way: my sister heavy sleeping finally ruined my life and I had to drive 2 hours home….just to drive 2 hours back in a few hours….Thats 400 miles in 2 days. *I couldn’t stay over my bf’s place since he lives with his sister…we never met so that just seems improper* Needless to say, he was shocked and disbelief that I would travel so much for him.

THIS is the epitome of desperate.

 

You're knocking yourself out for someone like this? This is the wonderful guy you're gushing about? The one who thought nothing of moving 2 hours away from you to glom off his sister? The one who couldn't even care enough to let you know when he was leaving town? The one who can barely send you a text, NEVER MIND make any effort to actually see you or check to see if you're alive? This is the guy you're turning yourself inside out for?

 

I think you need to face the fact that this wasn't much of a relationship for him if he thought nothing of moving 2 hours away and not even saying GOODBYE to you before he left.

He does not want me to go to his city for the reason of being with him. I would be an idiot to leave all I have for a man.

This is the only intelligent thing I believe he's had to say in a long, long time.

 

You're wasting your time on this guys. You're also wasting your effort, your money and most of all, your dignity.

[d0nnivain]

OP

 

 

I agree with a lot of what Expat & Lois had to say & suggest you listen to them. One minor point where I disagree with Lois is that I think your "BF" is putting in about 10% effort not zero but no where near the amount of effort you are giving.

 

 

You asked if your relationship is healthy. I don't think so. In a healthy relationship both people work out at it. It's a partnership. Occasionally one person has to pick up the other's slack but for the most part they both give it their all.

 

 

If you backed off, what would happen? If he wouldn't come to you, there is no meaningful relationship here. So you need to stop wasting your time.

[Els]

Uh... so he moved away from you without any discussion, to move in with his SISTER for cheaper rent (in his mid 20s)? I'm sorry, but I think that's a really, really bad sign - it sounds like he doesn't care much about your relationship. It's a pretty weak reason to start with, and him not seeking your opinion on it at all makes it doubly bad. I can understand people moving away from their partner (after discussing and agreeing upon it) because they were accepted into university, or offered a great job, or even getting a big promotion... but to move in with their sister? Eh.

 

Has he driven to visit you at all or has it just been you traveling the whole time?

 

Also, his drinking habit and lack of ambition in general are legitimate concerns, even if the distance wasn't there.

Edited August 17, 2015 by Elswyth