Update + Complications

[myxtchek]

My gf of 3 and a half years broke up with me this past week. Basically the reason is that I was depressed for a long while and my depression caused me to push her away and ignore her, sexually and in general (I isolated myself).

 

I've finally gotten my life on track these past 2-3 months and have been doing really well. As a result I naturally tried to make things right in my relationship and put forth the same kind of effort I did in the very beginning. Sadly, I had already pushed her past the breaking point and was too late.

 

Anyhow, I've been doing some research on handling breakups and the big rule (stickied on these forums) is the infamous No Contact Rule. Here are the complexities of my situation:

 

• We live in an apartment together (with 2 other people), but pay our rent individually
  
• I talked to her last night and apologized for how I treated her during our relationship (we layed in bed together and cried for an hour, intense feels)
  
• She grew really close to all of my friends during our relationship
  
• My friends come over fairly regularly
  
• She "Still loves me and cares about me as a person and wants to be friends/best friends still"
  
• I told her I couldn't be just friends with someone who I still love and care about deeply
  
• Mutual understanding that if were ever going to be just friends it would have to happen in the future after we've had some time apart
  

 

So all in all, things ended on a positive note. The current idea is that if she stays here we'll both go about our lives and give each other space, take some time apart, and then, months down the line before the lease is up we can sit down and chat and see how things have been going and take it from there. However, she walked into my room half an hour ago and asked if I wanted her to move out. I said I wasn't sure and that I'd think about it, which is subsequently why I'm here.

 

A few other things.

 

1) During our relationship there were several times where we talked about what would happen if one of us died, and how long the other would wait before jumping into another relationship. I brought this up last night and said "I don't expect you to agree to this and if not I'll understand, but as a sign of respect to one other would you be ok with agreeing not to do anything sexual with other people for a few months while this blows over." She agreed, and then I turned it into a sort of joke/game by kissing her, calling her a liar (for kissing someone), and then saying "the next person to kiss someone else loses."

 

2) She didn't get me anything for Christmas in time (while we were together) so she planned on helping to pay for my birthday. Yesterday or the day before she slipped a piece of paper under my bedroom door with a handwritten note and $200 cash. I told her the only way I could accept it is if she was going to be there for my birthday (which is actually in two weeks and I plan on having people over at our apartment). So basically I either give her back the money and she doesn't attend my birthday, or I accept the money and invite her to join.

 

3) I would like to get back together with her in the future (possibly a few months down the line)

 

Sorry this post is so long. Most of this is background info to help assess the situation. The big points are in bold and the key question to answer is bold/underlined (her asking if she should move out). Any advice, comments, pointers about my situation are GREATLY appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read.

[darkbloom]

My gf of 3 and a half years broke up with me this past week. Basically the reason is that I was depressed for a long while and my depression caused me to push her away and ignore her, sexually and in general (I isolated myself).

 

I've finally gotten my life on track these past 2-3 months and have been doing really well. As a result I naturally tried to make things right in my relationship and put forth the same kind of effort I did in the very beginning. Sadly, I had already pushed her past the breaking point and was too late.

 

Anyhow, I've been doing some research on handling breakups and the big rule (stickied on these forums) is the infamous No Contact Rule. Here are the complexities of my situation:

 

• We live in an apartment together (with 2 other people), but pay our rent individually
  
• I talked to her last night and apologized for how I treated her during our relationship (we layed in bed together and cried for an hour, intense feels)
  
• She grew really close to all of my friends during our relationship
  
• My friends come over fairly regularly
  
• She "Still loves me and cares about me as a person and wants to be friends/best friends still"
  
• I told her I couldn't be just friends with someone who I still love and care about deeply
  
• Mutual understanding that if were ever going to be just friends it would have to happen in the future after we've had some time apart
  

So all in all, things ended on a positive note. The current idea is that if she stays here we'll both go about our lives and give each other space, take some time apart, and then, months down the line before the lease is up we can sit down and chat and see how things have been going and take it from there. However, she walked into my room half an hour ago and asked if I wanted her to move out. I said I wasn't sure and that I'd think about it, which is subsequently why I'm here.

 

A few other things.

 

1) During our relationship there were several times where we talked about what would happen if one of us died, and how long the other would wait before jumping into another relationship. I brought this up last night and said "I don't expect you to agree to this and if not I'll understand, but as a sign of respect to one other would you be ok with agreeing not to do anything sexual with other people for a few months while this blows over." She agreed, and then I turned it into a sort of joke/game by kissing her, calling her a liar (for kissing someone), and then saying "the next person to kiss someone else loses."

 

2) She didn't get me anything for Christmas in time (while we were together) so she planned on helping to pay for my birthday. Yesterday or the day before she slipped a piece of paper under my bedroom door with a handwritten note and $200 cash. I told her the only way I could accept it is if she was going to be there for my birthday (which is actually in two weeks and I plan on having people over at our apartment). So basically I either give her back the money and she doesn't attend my birthday, or I accept the money and invite her to join.

 

3) I would like to get back together with her in the future (possibly a few months down the line)

 

Sorry this post is so long. Most of this is background info to help assess the situation. The big points are in bold and the key question to answer is bold/underlined (her asking if she should move out). Any advice, comments, pointers about my situation are GREATLY appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read.

 

 

 

Okay here is my 2c. I would have her move out. Even though you both agreed to not have anyone over sexually, there is still the option that it COULD happen. Or that she could not come home having stayed at another partners house. How will that make you feel? The best way to get over her is if you have no idea what is going on in her life. You can also use that time away from her to improve yourself and work on your depression.

 

 

She might have to let your friends go for awhile. When I went NC I gave us all of his friends and some of our mutual friends because I cannot deal with them telling me about him.

 

 

You both sound like you are really mature about the situation. I think the best opportunity for healing would be some time apart to work out your individual issues. I tried to be friends with my ex and that is literally the worst thing for your healing. NC is the only way it works.

[seminoles84]

I tried to be friends with my ex and that is literally the worst thing for your healing. NC is the only way it works.

 

This. If one person harbors feelings and the other doesn't this is a disaster waiting to happen. You'll become miserable.

[myxtchek]

Okay here is my 2c. I would have her move out. Even though you both agreed to not have anyone over sexually, there is still the option that it COULD happen. Or that she could not come home having stayed at another partners house. How will that make you feel? The best way to get over her is if you have no idea what is going on in her life. You can also use that time away from her to improve yourself and work on your depression.

 

 

She might have to let your friends go for awhile. When I went NC I gave us all of his friends and some of our mutual friends because I cannot deal with them telling me about him.

 

 

You both sound like you are really mature about the situation. I think the best opportunity for healing would be some time apart to work out your individual issues. I tried to be friends with my ex and that is literally the worst thing for your healing. NC is the only way it works.

 

 

I hear what you're saying, thanks for taking the time to reply. A few things though. The plan isn't for us to be friends (at least for a while). To be honest I feel like if she moved out I might be worse off. Reason being, you mention never knowing where she is or what she's up to as if it would be a good thing, but that sounds like it would kill me. For me it seems like it would be comforting having at least some idea of where she is at times (especially if she spends a good amount of time at home).

 

Also since i know her work schedule i would likely know if she stayed somewhere else or if she was out on the weekend. I say this not to sound stalky but to use that information to adapt my own situation. I generally keep to myself and dont go out or drink much, and if i ever did and she hadn't been doing the same i might feel bad knowing that she could be upset or wondering what I'm doing, but if I knew she was going out on the weekends then I could do the same to "even the playing field" so to speak. It would give me a reason/excuse to go out, drink a bit, loosen up and have fun, which I hardly ever do being the introvert I am.

 

If you're thinking "thats something you should be doing anyways, regardless of her situation", know that I'm insanely cynical and a bit of a misanthrope. I don't enjoy being around most people, especially in large crowds. It's a lot worse being in college because I hate being around drunk "bros" and trashy college women.

 

As for her and another partner, given the fact that we made the agreement I mentioned I could always confront her if I found out and say "We agreed not to be intimate with other people for a while. I've help up my end of the agreement, but seeing as you didn't I'd appreciate if you would look for another place to live as soon as possible. I've been ok with you staying here but the situation is different now and Im no longer comfortable with you being here."

 

I should mention that I have indeed been working on myself. I've been working out, eating more to put on weight (I'm a skinny guy), working hard at school and working on music. I've also been taking vitamins and supplements for a while to help with my mood.

 

A question. Do you not think that her hearing, seeing, thinking about, or possibly even being invited to hang out with my friends (who, like I mentioned, are very close with with her), and seeing us having fun would make her miss all of that? It seems like there would be this realization that once the lease is up and she has her own place she won't get to be a part of that anymore, which could make her realize she does in fact want to be a part of it all. Would this even be a good thing or would that be a bad reason for her to want to get back together with me since it isnt necessarily about me and more about her missing getting to hang out and laugh and have fun with my friends?

 

Lastly, what about my birthday and the money she gave me? How would you reccomend I handle that?

[darkbloom]

I think you're still in relationship think mode. You've been thinking in terms of the relationship for so long that you cannot see that it's gone. Trust me, knowing what she is doing is little comfort because she is no longer committed to you. There's always going to be that voice in your head if she is out having fun and who she is having fun with. You still have feelings for her, you cannot suddenly switch them to platonic I-hope-she-is-having-a-good-time-even-if-it's-with-some-dude feelings. And you WILL drive yourself insane.

 

Adapting your schedule to hers is unhealthy for so many reasons. She has decided to no longer be in a relationship with you. You trying to 'even the playing field' if she goes out by going out is a mind game. It is literally changing something about yourself in hopes that she notices you are not staying at home.

 

As for her and another partner, given the fact that we made the agreement I mentioned I could always confront her if I found out and say "We agreed not to be intimate with other people for a while. I've help up my end of the agreement, but seeing as you didn't I'd appreciate if you would look for another place to live as soon as possible. I've been ok with you staying here but the situation is different now and Im no longer comfortable with you being here."

 

This worries me. She broke up with you. You therefor do not get a say in who she dates or what she does with her free time. Even if you made an agreement on it. And this is 100% guaranteed to push her away if you approach her with this.

 

I should mention that I have indeed been working on myself. I've been working out, eating more to put on weight (I'm a skinny guy), working hard at school and working on music. I've also been taking vitamins and supplements for a while to help with my mood.

 

This is what is going to make her come back around if she decides to. Being dedicated to yourself which you admittedly had lost for a good portion of the relationship. These types of things take time to really stick and show a committed positive change.

 

As for the friends thing, I think it could be a big motivator for her. If she doesn't see you and hear from you and sees you out having the time of your life and showing off the changes you've made in your life? Could bring her back around. Your depression was a huge cause of the break up. Showing her that you are having the best life you can with or without her is the best way to do it. I am going to be real with you as a girl, nothing drives us crazier than being ignored and not knowing what you are doing. Ultimately they are your friends and she is gambling her friendships with them by breaking up with you.

 

The money thing is a personal call. I do not like owing anyone anything. Do what feels best for you. You do not owe her anything and she does not owe you anything. You are broken and are not connected anymore. The money was gift. I would personally give it back and go out and have the best time with your friends.

 

I hope this did not come off harsh. I have been through legitimate hell with my ex who broke up with me and we tried to stay friends. We did not live together thank God, but the mutual friend thing was so tough to deal with. I am giving you the advice I should have searched for after the breakup. I did the beg/plead, settle for being friends and slowly watched myself die from the inside out.

[myxtchek]

I think you're still in relationship think mode. You've been thinking in terms of the relationship for so long that you cannot see that it's gone. Trust me, knowing what she is doing is little comfort because she is no longer committed to you. There's always going to be that voice in your head if she is out having fun and who she is having fun with. You still have feelings for her, you cannot suddenly switch them to platonic I-hope-she-is-having-a-good-time-even-if-it's-with-some-dude feelings. And you WILL drive yourself insane.

 

Adapting your schedule to hers is unhealthy for so many reasons. She has decided to no longer be in a relationship with you. You trying to 'even the playing field' if she goes out by going out is a mind game. It is literally changing something about yourself in hopes that she notices you are not staying at home.

 

 

 

This worries me. She broke up with you. You therefor do not get a say in who she dates or what she does with her free time. Even if you made an agreement on it. And this is 100% guaranteed to push her away if you approach her with this.

 

 

 

This is what is going to make her come back around if she decides to. Being dedicated to yourself which you admittedly had lost for a good portion of the relationship. These types of things take time to really stick and show a committed positive change.

 

As for the friends thing, I think it could be a big motivator for her. If she doesn't see you and hear from you and sees you out having the time of your life and showing off the changes you've made in your life? Could bring her back around. Your depression was a huge cause of the break up. Showing her that you are having the best life you can with or without her is the best way to do it. I am going to be real with you as a girl, nothing drives us crazier than being ignored and not knowing what you are doing. Ultimately they are your friends and she is gambling her friendships with them by breaking up with you.

 

The money thing is a personal call. I do not like owing anyone anything. Do what feels best for you. You do not owe her anything and she does not owe you anything. You are broken and are not connected anymore. The money was gift. I would personally give it back and go out and have the best time with your friends.

 

I hope this did not come off harsh. I have been through legitimate hell with my ex who broke up with me and we tried to stay friends. We did not live together thank God, but the mutual friend thing was so tough to deal with. I am giving you the advice I should have searched for after the breakup. I did the beg/plead, settle for being friends and slowly watched myself die from the inside out.

 

Not harsh at all, in fact I'm very grateful that you've been kind enough to stick around and reply, so thanks yet again.

 

I just talked to a few close friends about the situation and here are the big things I brought up that have me at a crossroads:

 

1) Again, I truly believe that having her stay here, which would give me some semblance of an idea of what she's up to, would make things a lot easier on me. That way there's less uncertainty. If she were to move out, knowing me, my mind would run circles and constantly be thinking about where she is or what she's up to. For the time being I'm actually okay with the situation and I've been handling things well. I'm not down in the dumps or depressed (though I'm not sure if I'm just in shock or I haven't hit the rollercoaster yet or what).

 

If she moved out I feel as though that would kill me, for several reasons. We moved into this apartment together and I personally really enjoyed living together. We've spent a lot of time together here and the idea of continuing to live here when she's not here just feels totally wrong, I hate the idea. Being here for extended periods of time and knowing that someone I moved in with who I loved will never be around or come back home seems absolutely devastating to me. If she moved out I wouldn't want to be here, and I'm not sure that's an option for me.

 

2) As you've mentioned, there's always the possibility of her bringing someone home or me finding out about it. To be honest, I'd rather find out and see it firsthand, because once again that takes the uncertainty out of the equation. Which brings me to a question.

 

This worries me. She broke up with you. You therefore do not get a say in who she dates or what she does with her free time. Even if you made an agreement on it. And this is 100% guaranteed to push her away if you approach her with this.

 

When you say that will push her away, did you mean the agreement will push her away, or that me confronting her and asking her to move out if she breaks the agreement will push her away?

 

Again, if she stays and I found out that she's seeing other people or whatnot then could I not just tell her I think it's best for both of us if she moves out, without making any mention of why? Would that be a bad thing? One last note here, if she DOES break the agreement to be honest at that point I'm not sure I would care whether or not I push her away, because if she's being intimate with other people so soon after getting out of a 3 and a half year long relationship I think at that point I could happily cut all ties and move on. I don't think I would have any interest in trying to get back together with someone who is having/has had sexual relations with someone else.

 

3) From what I've heard it sounds like NC can actually help get things back together because it gives us space/time apart and allows me time to improve myself. However, will the benefits of NC really not work if we continue living together? We would both be doing our own things and avoid interacting, except for bumping into each other in the kitchen/living area, etc. Would it not be good for her to see that I'm doing fine on my own and that I'm enjoying life with/without her?

 

The biggest concern I have about this is that people say NC can cause the other person to miss you eventually if you keep up with it. However, would her living here and knowing what IM up to/where I am, and seeing me from time to time prevent her from missing me?

 

Final question. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't think I'd have any interest in trying to get back together with her if she has had sexual relations with other people. Is this a normal feeling or what? When we started dating she had only had sex ONE time, with a condom. I was a virgin. So we've really only ever had sex with one another. The idea of some other guy having his dick inside her, or of her blowing some guy, just disgusts me. Almost like it defiles her. What's your take on this? I'm curious as to how other people see things in this regard.

 

Once again thank you for taking the time to read. I'm sorry I have so many questions, this is the first time I've ever been through something like this.

[darkbloom]

1. I understand the comfort in knowing where she is and what she is up to. You haven't really felt the effects of the breakup yet because you are still around her. At some point, whether she moves out now or when your lease is up, you are going to have to feel the uncertainty and the pain of not knowing where she is and what she is up to. The reason so many people here advocate NC is because without it, your ex gets to wean herself off of you slowly. She has already debated with herself the pros and cons of breaking up with you. She has already decided that she does not want to be committed to you. Since you live together though, she still gets to see you in the common areas, see your face everyday, and talk to you. You are now officially in the friendzone.

 

 

Imagine if she decided to break up with you and had no idea what you were doing. She couldn't talk to you or rely on you being in her life. That is usually what sends most people into panic and wanting to reconcile. Because they realize the magnitude of their decision to break up. There is going to be a lot of uncomfortable memories after breaking up. Whether it be the apartment you shared, movies you saw together, food you ate, etc. Having her linger in the apartment is stringing yourself along with those happy memories.

 

 

 

 

confronting her and asking her to move out if she breaks the agreement will push her away? [/Quote]

 

 

This part. She is hurting after the breakup whether she seems to be or not. And I know since you have been in a relationship with her, talking about her with other guys probably makes your stomach turn. Reality is that sometimes people seek out comfort in other people. (Personal side note, my ex and I got back together. We were not 'official' but we were still sleeping together and whatnot. I recently found out that he was sleeping with someone else at the same time as me. He did not feel guilty because we didn't have a label. He is the only person I have ever slept with so I took it very seriously. I don't care what he did before me but it kills me that he did that while he was still with me. And I find it gross because I feel like you should be entitled to know if someone you are sleeping with is sleeping with other people. For safe sex and not wanting a baby reasons. But I digress.) The sex thing is a personal choice for most people.

 

 

You might find that she will come back to you after she has dated other people. Sometimes it takes seeing that the grass is NOT greener with someone else to bring them back to you. It is going to be your own personal choice whether you can deal with her being intimate with someone else. Everyone has baggage and you have to take the good with the bad. We all have things we are not proud of and things we wish we would not have done. This includes things we do when we are heartbroken and mistakes we make. What helped me heal from him being with someone else is not being so judgmental or critical of his decisions. I have forgiven him for what he did even if I would never date him anymore. I know MY morals and values and I would never lie to another person or cheat on anyone. Someone else will come along that values this.

 

 

From my personal experience, (And some of the people on here will crucify me for this) NC is the only thing that brings them back around. It doesn't always work though, so don't use NC as tool to get her back. Use it to heal yourself. I do not know how effective it will be with her still living there. Because she does not have to miss you. She will still see you everyday and hear your voice everyday.

 

 

You are in a very tough place right now. And you may still be in shock. Since you still see her everyday you haven't had it sink in that you are not together anymore. When you hit that realization it might send you into a panic. (It sounds like you haven't started to panic yet.) How are you feeling about the entire situation?

 

 

The two hardest things to accept are going to be that you may never get back together with her and that she may end up with someone else. (Those two things literally drove me nuts.) This is why NC is the most effective tool to heal.

[ZiggyZoo]

I'd say you absolutely have to stop living together for any sort of healing or clear thinking to take place. I hear you that you are going to be wondering what she's up to, if she's seeing someone, etc. But the thing is, this is all part of the process. Look around the forums, there are tons of others in just that situation. It's something you're just going to have to deal with. I'm going through it myself, and it kills me sometimes. The good news is, it gets easier though.

 

And man, you will NOT feel better if she brings someone home, getting to see who it is. Are you kidding me? I don't mean to sound condescending at all, but just think about that. Think about her and another guy going into a room, closing the door, and you not knowing what exactly they're doing in there. Are you going to be able to just hang out and watch TV or whatever like a good friend? Absolutely not, and it is extremely unfair and cruel of you to put yourself in a situation where it might happen.

 

This is the point of NC. It's not to make them miss you, it's to remove yourself from a broken relationship and take some time and space to figure out what is best to do next. You can't do this if you're still a part of their life, even if this involvement is passive. Like checking Facebook, Instagram, etc. It makes it too tempting then to obsess over pictures of her and someone new, or decipher status updates...you need to focus on YOU right now. And let her focus on HER. There is no more US as far as you two are concerned, and it'll take a bit for this to sink in.

 

The fact is, if she wants to become involved with someone, she will, regardless of whatever promises shes made to you. You're the ex, she doesn't owe you anything anymore, remember? This sounds harsh, but it's the first thing that you need to realize about your situation. If she wanted to be with you, she would be.

 

Hang in there, we've alllllll been where you are, gotten dumped by someone and not wanting to let go. We're here for you.

[myxtchek]

Hang in there, we've alllllll been where you are, gotten dumped by someone and not wanting to let go. We're here for you.

 

Thank you Ziggy. I feel like I'm getting really close to figuring it all out.

 

At some point, whether she moves out now or when your lease is up, you are going to have to feel the uncertainty and the pain of not knowing where she is and what she is up to.

 

In an ideal world we reconcile before moving out in May, so when she IS living on her own and that uncertainty kicks in, we would be together again.

 

 

Think about her and another guy going into a room, closing the door, and you not knowing what exactly they're doing in there. Are you going to be able to just hang out and watch TV or whatever like a good friend?

 

If this happened I would probably stop it, ask her to have a quick word in private, tell her to take it somewhere else and that she is being incredibly disrespectful for doing that here, and then tell her to start packing up her stuff ASAP. If she got mad and decided to do something out of line I would leave the apartment and then discuss her moving out whenever I came back. Bad idea?

 

It makes it too tempting then to obsess over pictures of her and someone new, or decipher status updates...you need to focus on YOU right now.

 

Thus far I've been handling the situation well, and I have very much been focusing on me.

 

Here's a thought. She actually has mentioned to two of her guy friends (one is a coworker who's already in a relationship, the other is an old friend from way back) that she is interested in having a friend with benefits. It sounds bad but to be honest I understand it. I'm sure I did a hell of a good job scaring her out of being in a relationship and after not satisfying her sexually for so long it makes sense that she would want that. However, she seems to be telling me another story even though I've told her she can be honest with me and that she doesn't have to sugarcoat things. This other side I'm referring to is that she said she wants to be alone. She started isolating herself these past few months and spending a lot of time alone in her room watching anime (some of my close friends watch it and kind of got her into it, and in a sense I think she's been living vicariously through the characters in them because I believe she was watching a lot of romance anime).

 

With that said, what do you two (Ziggy/bloom) think about the idea of me talking to her and mentioning what I said above, something along the lines of "I've been thinking about whether or not I want you to move out and to answer that I think I really need a clear answer on where your interests lie. I seem to keep getting two sides to the same story and I need a straight answer. If you're truly interested in finding a friend with benefits, then that's fine. I understand and respect that choice, but if that's the case then I think it would be best for both of us if you moved out." If she says she isn't interested in that then she stays and we continue with minimal contact? Yay, nay?

 

Sorry for seeming so stubborn, my mind is trying to justify her staying here and find a way to make it work. Lemme know what you guys think about the suggestion mentioned in the paragraph above.

[Elle1975]

You're getting friendzoned. Let her breath, take a breather as well. Your living arrangement will be the death of any possible reconciliation.

[ZiggyZoo]

I think you've nailed it, that you're trying to justify her continuing to keep her living with you. And if she's already mentioning to her guy friends about a FWB situation, it's only a matter of WHEN, not IF she becomes intimate with someone else. And if she wants to do it in the apartment you share, you have zero right to stop it and ask her to do it elsewhere. You are a friend only now, not a boyfriend, and she's a roommate who can do whatever she wants in her own room. I know you guys had an agreement that she not be intimate with anyone else for a few months, but she's already heading towards breaking that agreement. This is why I feel it is best if she move out. Even if she doesn't bring the guy home, the fact that you'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's spending the night elsewhere will gut you. The good thing about NC is that you won't know any of this for sure. Trust me, wondering what is going on is bad enough, KNOWING is terrible.

 

As far as her telling you that she wants to be alone, while you hearing otherwise, I think she's telling you what you need to hear. I also think that if you were to confront her with what her true intentions are, she will likely still say that she's not interested in anyone else. It takes a special type of person to flat out look at someone they've broken up with, hurt, and still care about and tell them that they're ready to be intimate with another guy. So I think asking isn't going to matter, because you're not going to get a true answer.

 

I think the hardest part of breaking up is letting go. But the only way that you two will have a chance in the future is to have an entirely new relationship. The one you're in now is already over, but it'll take time for this to sink in. If she's still living with you, your thoughts are going to be too consumed with her, and you need to focus on YOU right now. I think you have a grasp of this, but it's hard to get the head and heart on the same page.

[myxtchek]

Well f-ck my life. I can already tell that her moving out is going to crush my soul.

 

What should I say/how should I word to her that I want her to move out? Any ideas?

 

God this sucks

[darkbloom]

I think you need to give her space and not ask for an answer that you do not want to know. I agree that she may lie about her true intentions. You are pushing her farther away by demanding answers from her.

 

 

If you guys have any hope of getting back together you need to go NC and live separately.

 

 

Her intention of having FWB is something that you probably should not know about. If you guys didn't live together and you were able to go true NC that would help you heal a lot faster. Out of sight out of mind.

 

 

The relationship you have is broken. I doubt you will be able to fix it and get back together by the time she moves out in May.

[ZiggyZoo]

It DOES suck, and I'm sorry that you're going through it. Break-ups are one of the most painful experiences out there.

 

I'd just say that you have thought about it, and think it would be best for you if she does move out. I'd keep it short and sweet and focused on what you need for you. If she cares about you at all (and I think she does, just not in the way that you'd want her to, sadly) then she'll want what's best for you.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Please tell her to move out as quickly as you can, for your own sake. My boyfriend dumped his last girlfriend two months before their lease expired and his ex would not move out. The stories I heard secondhand were awful. She insisted everything was fine and tried to act completely over it in front of their friends, then privately would beg to reconcile one minute and try to make him jealous the next. Every time he didn't pay attention to her or ignored her advances she was rejected all over again and it drove her mad. How do you think she felt when she discovered someone else's hair in the bathroom? Do you think you'd feel ambivalent about it?

 

When someone sincerely suggests being friends with an ex they are wholly moved on. At that point you have no choice but to let go, even if that means kicking her out (or leaving yourself). If not you will sabotage your own healing process, like ripping open a scab over and over, until a bad breakup turns into a mental breakdown.

[myxtchek]

Should I say something like "I know we talked about that agreement but I no longer think it's necessary. I don't want to hold you back from doing something you're interested in. I understand and respect you wanting that but I think it's best for both of us if you move out. I told you I didn't think I could do the friend thing and I just don't think that's going to work out well if you're here. As for the money, I told you I didn't think I could accept it if you weren't going to be there for my birthday, and at this point I don't think you being there is the best idea. I appreciate the offer, but I don't think I can accept. Thank you though." followed eventually by "Let me know what day and time you'll be moving when you figure everything out."

 

Sound good? And should I actually give her back the money or should I keep it and spend it on music stuff for my DJing, like a new pair of nice headphones or some DJ lighting? Or maybe alchohol or a party bus for my upcoming birthday?

[myxtchek]

And should I leave out the part about the agreement not being necessary so maybe she'll be more likely to hold out? Or would letting her know that she's free to do what she wants make her think more highly of me?

[mightycpa]

And should I leave out the part about the agreement not being necessary so maybe she'll be more likely to hold out? Or would letting her know that she's free to do what she wants make her think more highly of me?

 

In other words, will a green light from you make her act like there's a red light out there somewhere?

 

No.

 

Your speech about moving out needs to be stripped of all the altruistic crap. Make the speech about you:

 

Matilda,

 

I've thought about you moving out, and I think it would be a good idea. I need space and I need it right now, because I can't heal with you around. It's not going to be easy on me, and so I'm going to need space after you move out too. I don't really know how long, it's going to be tough on me, and I feel like it's just going to drag out if I'm anywhere near you. I will let you know when I'm ready to see you, but until then, I don't think it's a good idea for us to have any kind of contact at all. Can you do that for me? Good.

 

Here's your $200 back. Maybe it will help you with moving. Let me know what day you're leaving because I don't want to be around that day.

 

Thanks, I love you, and goodbye.

Then get ready to feel like ****. Edited February 22, 2015 by mightycpa

[myxtchek]

I thought a big idea if you're the dumpee is that you don't want to sound like you're hurt or upset. Makes you sound weak/pathetic, etc. Also, do I really even need to mention the no contact thing? Shouldn't I just stick to it after she moves out, and shouldn't I let HER be the one to break NC?

 

Also, I kind of implied that I was going to invite her to my birthday, so I feel like I should stick to the

As for the money, I told you I didn't think I could accept it if you weren't going to be there for my birthday, and at this point I don't think you being there is the best idea. I appreciate the offer, but I don't think I can accept. Thank you though.

 

Yes? No?

 

Thanks for the help everyone, you're all awesome.

[ZiggyZoo]

I completely agree with mightycpa. Keep it short and sweet, and about what YOU need. She has already decided to do what she's going to do, and how you feel isn't figuring into her thought process anymore. So saying that the agreement isn't necessary likely isn't going to make any bit of difference. You need to start taking steps to look out for you and what's best for you.

 

And yeah, give her back the money. Best to make as clean a break as possible. And if nothing else, she won't look back and say, "What an ass, I gave him $200 for his birthday and he kicked me out a few days later. And kept the money."

 

ETA: I just saw your post, and I don't think that you'll sound pathetic at all for telling her that you need to go NC from her. There's nothing wrong with being upset over the break-up, or with letting her know that you're hurt. And let her know that you're going NC, tell her why, and stick to it. Otherwise the temptation to explain will eat at you, and you'll end up breaking NC to send a message somehow. If you get a response it'll hurt, and if you don't get a response, it'll hurt. Yeah, she should be the one to break NC, but don't give her any way to do that short of finding you in person.

Edited February 22, 2015 by ZiggyZoo

[mightycpa]

I thought a big idea if you're the dumpee is that you don't want to sound like you're hurt or upset. Makes you sound weak/pathetic, etc. Also, do I really even need to mention the no contact thing? Shouldn't I just stick to it after she moves out, and shouldn't I let HER be the one to break NC?

 

Also, I kind of implied that I was going to invite her to my birthday, so I feel like I should stick to the

 

 

Yes? No?

 

Thanks for the help everyone, you're all awesome.

 

No. Don't worry about that. The only thing that might be extra difficult for you is if you see a look of pity in her eyes when you tell her. You'll hate that, so practice your speech and keep moving through it until you're done. After you say goodbye, turn around quickly and go. It would probably be good to disappear for a while if you can manage that.

 

As Ziggy said, the only way you want to hear from her is if she totally means it. You're setting up a barrier that will take a lot of desire and effort on her part to break... it is meant to be that way, because you don't want her to break NC just because she misses you one night, or if she wonders if you hate her. She's really got to want it, and to have a purpose.

 

And don't expect her to ever have that level of desire either. The likely scenario is that the both of you move on without each other.

[myxtchek]

Pieced everything together, let me know what you guys think:

 

"I've thought about you moving out, and I think it would be a good idea. I told you I didn't think I could do the friend thing and I just don't think that's going to work out well if you're here. I need space to heal right now, and I can't do that with you around. It's not going to be easy on me, and so I'm going to need space after you move out too. I don't really know how long it'll take but I feel like it's just going to drag out if you're here.

 

Just let me know what day and time you're leaving because I don't want to be around that day.

 

As for the money, I told you I didn't think I could accept it if you weren't going to be there for my birthday, and at this point I don't think you being there is the best idea. I appreciate the offer, but I don't think I can accept. Thank you though.

 

Bye Matilda."

 

 

After piecing this together and saying it a few times I just burst into tears for the first time in a while. I have no idea how I'm going to keep my sh-t together when I actually say this to her. This really sucks guys...really really really bad. I can't stop crying now.

 

I know I'm just sounding desperate at this point but miracles do happen and there are always those 1 in a million stories. You guys really don't think there's any chance of things working out and us getting back together if she stays?

 

What if she actually kept her word on the agreement, I stuck to the NC as best as possible, she saw me doing well on my own, and eventually liked the new me? We could sit down in a few months and talk and based on how things go from now until then we could potentially start hanging out again and take it from there.

 

Really sorry for being so resistant here but the fact that I can't stop crying now because I'm thinking about the very real possibility of me going through with this is devastating and makes it seem like the alternative would not only be easier but would also give me a better chance of winning her back. Correct me if I'm wrong, or if you think it's possible at all then give me a beacon of Hope.

[darkbloom]

I feel your pain. I do. But human nature does not work that way. If you are meant to be together you will be. You can't fix the problems that got you into the situation by being together. Separate is better. It is going to hurt like hell and you are going to panic. I thought my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I had panic attacks at work. It will pass. I promise.

 

 

Part of showing her the 'new improved you' means that you are going to have to stand up for your feelings and let her know what you need. You are setting healthy boundaries for yourself and that will always be attractive.

 

 

If you stay in the living situation, you will have your heart ripped from your chest and stomped on repeatedly. Rip it off like a Band-Aid and let her know your needs now. Suffer a little bit for a short period of time or suffer for the entire duration of her living with you.

[mightycpa]

give me a beacon of Hope.

 

I think you said it best:

 

miracles do happen and there are always those 1 in a million stories

it's possible, I just don't like your odds. I know one thing for sure, she won't like the guy you're looking at in the mirror right now, so the time away will do you some good, as well as practicing your speech and desensitizing you to the idea. Or, you could just cry over it, and see that look of pity. I'm sure she knows you're hurting, so if she sees it once, she won't think badly of you.

[darkbloom]

Sometimes they come back. Sometimes you are better off if they don't come back.