Update + Complications

[myxtchek]

Talked to another friend of mine just now and I think I'm going to take a few days to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for this.

 

One last thing.

 

Would it be a good idea for me to let her know that I understand and respect her decision to end things, but then mention something along the lines of "If we ever got back together, the reason I would want to is because I do care about you and love you, and that's something I want to show you firsthand, and I want you to really see how much you mean to me, which I don't think you ever got to because of my depression. That's something you deserve to experience, but I'll understand if you don't want to be a part of it."

 

I'm really glad I joined this forum and that there are people like you guys out there who are so willing to help people through this. Thank you all so so very much, it means way more than you can possibly imagine.

[mightycpa]

No.

 

You have no idea how you'll feel in the future. All you know is right now.

 

The reason you want to say all those things about THEN is because you feel all those things NOW. It really is better left unsaid, as counterintuitive as that sounds. Believe me when I tell you that she understands, and if she ever truly wants to get back together with you, it won't matter how you feel. She'll make the effort to find out.

[myxtchek]

I know I keep saying one last thing but I promise I'm really close to being done with all the questions. Would it be weird/a bad idea for me to have my close friends (who have grown really close to her over the years) kind of "say goodbye" to her and tell her that they're really going to miss her?

 

Or is this something that could help my situation?

[mightycpa]

I know I keep saying one last thing but I promise I'm really close to being done with all the questions. Would it be weird/a bad idea for me to have my close friends (who have grown really close to her over the years) kind of "say goodbye" to her and tell her that they're really going to miss her?

 

Or is this something that could help my situation?

 

yeah, that would be pretty weird. you can be forgiven for not thinking straight, but trust us when we stick to our advice no matter what you dream up.

[myxtchek]

Recent update if anyone's still awake. My roommate ended up inviting people over tonight and some of my friends (including the ones I was mentioning before who are very close to her) are here. She ended up coming out of her room and interacting (briefly) with a few of them, and then came into my room in the middle of me talking about the situation with two of my friends. She asked if I wanted her to go back to her room, and since it was unexpected I didn't know what to say and ended up telling her I didn't really care.

 

She ended up talking to and hanging out, drinking, and laughing with one of my close friends girlfriends who is here. 20 minutes later after being uncomfortable I pulled her aside and said "I don't want my friends to have to feel like they have to ignore you, but you aren't making this easy for me. I'm trying to heal and I can't do that when it's ok for my friends to talk to you, hug you, and laugh, and it's not ok for me to. So no, I don't want you to be out here with everyone."

 

She said ok, and then ended up going over to my aforementioned friend's girlfriend's apartment (in the same complex). Like I said she's been drinking a bit and has been talking extensively with this other girl. Not really sure what to make of the whole situation. The friend who is dating the girl she's talking to has told me that he'll fill me in, but seeing as she's pretty drunk herself I'm not sure how much of the conversation she'll remember, and thus, how much information will get relayed to me.

 

All in all I just don't like that she was drinking and having a good time when I'm hardly having a good time myself. I haven't been drinking because I don't want to get drunk and do something stupid that I might regret.

 

Looks like it's time to start preparing myself to have her move out. *sigh*

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

You're going to be fine. Yes, you're going to feel like you're walking around with a gaping chest wound for a while and you'll be amazed at the effort required just to get out of bed in the morning, but you'll make it. One day at a time, one foot after the other and all that. Mightycpa and Ziggy have given you the best advice you could possibly receive so take heed.

 

You will have a far easier time accepting the relationship is over once she moves out. Make it a priority. It sounds like she's tried to be considerate of your feelings and she'd completely understand the need to move if she realized you were hurting this much.

 

And good on you for avoiding alcohol during all this. Honestly, your un-killable hope aside (and isn't that what hope is all about?) you seem to be handling this pretty well. Don't forget to treat yourself occasionally too.

[myxtchek]

Thanks chimpana.

 

This is all just really confusing to me. Everyone seems to think having her move out is a good idea because they think I'm hurting, but in fact I had been doing fine until I started planning to have her move out.

 

It just seems like the healing process would be so much easier for me if she stayed, it sounds more natural. And the other thing is that I've been doing so well in terms of my depression, I've been motivated and working to improve myself and it feels like her moving out is just going to put me two steps back and completely ruin everything i have going for me now.

 

A friend of mine told me to DJ at his birthday party next weekend to give me some motivation and provide me with an obligation to really work on my music, which i haven't done in a long time. If i ask her to move out and end up with a gaping hole in my chest and can't even get myself out of bed in the morning, how can i possibly prepare and practice my DJing? Ill either have to back out and dissapoint everyone, including myself, or I'll show up and embarrass myself and feel like a total failure because i wasn't prepared. Either way it seems like a lose lose.

 

I've come to terms with the fact that our relationship is over, but that doesn't mean i want her out of my life 100%, which is exactly what NC is all about. I'm not suggesting the friend thing, I don't want that. At most we act like normal roomates that just say hi but go about our own lives with little to no interaction.

 

If she stays here it would be so much easier to show her that I'm doing well on my own and that for me, happiness and improvement are my top priorities, and if she wants to be a part of that then I'm 50 feet away in my room.

 

To me, a cost benefit analysis makes this a no brainer, because I'm looking at...

Option A) She stays here and i give her space, sticking to NC as best as humanly possible. I don't respond to any texts or phone calls and if she asks me in person i just tell her I need some space to heal properly , and that texting and calling is something we would do if we were friends, which I dont want. I go about my life continuing to work on improving myself, and as mentioned earlier, if she wants to be a part of that she'll let me know. If not, at least I have something going for me and I'm doing well on my own. I give her back her money and tell her that i dont think her being there for my birthday is a good idea because I cant handle seeing my friends be closer to her than I can, that really hurts. If she doesn't approach me by the end of April, then I can break NC and ask her if she wants to go out to a movie or for dinner or something. We chat, catch up, I make it clear that I've been doing well and enjoying life to its fullest, etc, and we go from there. If she enjoyed spending time together she can text me during the summer after she moves out when our lease is up and make it clear that shes interested. If not, it feels more natural because we were both supposed to move out anyways. The only hole in this plan is if she approaches me and tells me that SHE wants to move out, in which case i guess i could tell her I understand and that its probably better that way anyhow (even if I dont believe it).

 

B)I ask her to move out, which I really don't want to do and hate the idea of. I end up saying goodbye (for real) and then turn into an emotional trainwreck, potentially ruining everything I've worked for these past months, potentially driving me back down into a depression that ive worked really hard to get out of and was the reason for the breakup in the first place. Sure, eventually things may work out and ill get over it, but theres no saying how long tthat could take. My grades could also suffer as a result. She ends up being 100% out of my life and I have to deal with the early move out situation and stay in apartment that i would hate living in because shes no longer here. There's also the chance that not knowing where she is or what shes up to could play on repeat in my mind and just eat away at me.

 

I understand why people think her moving out is a good idea but that seems like it would put me two steps back and run the risk of destroying my motivation and emotional stability (which I seem to have as long as she's here). This is a really tough decision for me, and if I have to go through with option B then I guess I will, but does anyone think that option A could actually be the better choice? If not, remind me what's wrong with option A. Spell it out for me so I have a list of cons to compare with, because the fact that that list is so small for me right now is the biggest thing holding me back from asking her to move out.

[mightycpa]

it would be so much easier to show her , that I'm doing well on my own and that for me, happiness and improvement are my top priorities

 

You're kidding yourself. Your top priority is to have her nearby, even if you ignore her. If she goes away, by your own admission, happiness and improvement go right out the window. The reason it does is because if she leaves, you can't keep an eye on her to see what she's up to.

 

So let me pose another hypothetical that strikes at the heart of the only reason you want her around - she brings home a new guy and she ****s him like a pornstar, loud and long.

 

As I recall, you said that this would disrespect you somehow. What you really mean is that it would hurt you and you think by keeping her around, she won't do it. It isn't a show of disrespect if you're actually over.

 

So really, you want her nearby, even if you don't really interact, but only if she can comply with a set of rules that is meant solely to help you avoid acknowledging the fact that she's free to do what she wants. You want her there so that you don't have to face the truth.

 

Does any of that actually sound healthy to you?

 

I'm reading fear, denial, co-dependence and controlling behavior in you. I'm starting to think that she needs to get out of there for her own good in addition to yours.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

This is going to sound unkind, but I mean it with love: you're full of it. That post is ten tons of sh-t in a five-pound bag. I think you know it, too.

 

The only reason you're "doing so well" right now is because you haven't fully accepted the relationship is over. Living with her allows you to delude yourself into believing you aren't really broken up or that it's just temporary. You only want her to stay so you can be available to her, on her mind, part of her life. None of this will help you heal. All of your self-improvement efforts will be futile because every time you see her you'll be reminded that she is your goal, not you. Your Option A is really just an elaborate long-term strategy to win her over. Let me provide a more realistic assessment.

 

Option A: She stays. You try to remain NC but make small talk when you're bored. Maybe one night you're both drinking whiskey and you end up cuddling in her bed. You're more motivated than ever to eat right, go to the gym, and really be the best version of yourself because you can just tell reconciliation is right around the corner.

 

Then she starts going out. She doesn't get back until 2 or 3 in the morning, if she gets back at all. You lay awake every night she's gone wondering where she went or who she's with. You notice she seems to be texting a lot more than usual. "Who are you texting?" you ask. "Oh, no one," she says, but she's smiling. You interrogate your friends repeatedly until they get sick of it. They swear they don't know anything but you begin to wonder if they're lying. And then one otherwise ordinary day you fire up Instagram and see a photo of her kissing a guy at a party.

 

Option B: She's gone. Life sucks. You hurt like the world is ending. You are forced to do the hardest kind of self-improvement---the kind where you have to get better because you've finally hit rock bottom. You scrape yourself together one day at a time until you realize it's been a while since you've cried. You're adding weight to your lifts, too. The more time passes the better you feel about the relationship, even though you miss her terribly. You realize how young you are and how many more heartbreaks and dramas you have to weather before you find Ms. Right. But you're starting to get back out there. You've met a few girls who are really cute. Finally, X months after the breakup, you can start to truly see yourself with someone else.

 

I am not trying to trivialize your depression. Trust me; I've struggled with it for most of my life. There was a period when I cried so much my neighbors (complete strangers, mind you) tried to intervene, and I wasn't even dealing with a breakup! When I broke up with Worst Ex I cried at least an hour a day for something like five months. The whole world seemed like a painful, senseless void. Sometimes I just laid down on the floor and cried because I couldn't take it anymore.

 

At this point you're only prolonging the inevitable. The sooner you open yourself to the Hole of Suck your life will become, the sooner you can start crawling out. Otherwise you're going to spend months thinking things are going so well and building yourself back up, only to tumble down so much harder and deeper than ever before. However bad the Hole of Suck is, it's far better than the paranoia, anxiety, jealousy, fear, and self-loathing that will ensue if she stays.

 

Stand firm and cut the cord. We're here for you.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks chimpana.

 

This is all just really confusing to me. Everyone seems to think having her move out is a good idea because they think I'm hurting, but in fact I had been doing fine until I started planning to have her move out.

 

It just seems like the healing process would be so much easier for me if she stayed, it sounds more natural. And the other thing is that I've been doing so well in terms of my depression, I've been motivated and working to improve myself and it feels like her moving out is just going to put me two steps back and completely ruin everything i have going for me now.

 

A friend of mine told me to DJ at his birthday party next weekend to give me some motivation and provide me with an obligation to really work on my music, which i haven't done in a long time. If i ask her to move out and end up with a gaping hole in my chest and can't even get myself out of bed in the morning, how can i possibly prepare and practice my DJing? Ill either have to back out and dissapoint everyone, including myself, or I'll show up and embarrass myself and feel like a total failure because i wasn't prepared. Either way it seems like a lose lose.

 

I've come to terms with the fact that our relationship is over, but that doesn't mean i want her out of my life 100%, which is exactly what NC is all about. I'm not suggesting the friend thing, I don't want that. At most we act like normal roomates that just say hi but go about our own lives with little to no interaction.

 

If she stays here it would be so much easier to show her that I'm doing well on my own and that for me, happiness and improvement are my top priorities, and if she wants to be a part of that then I'm 50 feet away in my room.

 

To me, a cost benefit analysis makes this a no brainer, because I'm looking at...

Option A) She stays here and i give her space, sticking to NC as best as humanly possible. I don't respond to any texts or phone calls and if she asks me in person i just tell her I need some space to heal properly , and that texting and calling is something we would do if we were friends, which I dont want. I go about my life continuing to work on improving myself, and as mentioned earlier, if she wants to be a part of that she'll let me know. If not, at least I have something going for me and I'm doing well on my own. I give her back her money and tell her that i dont think her being there for my birthday is a good idea because I cant handle seeing my friends be closer to her than I can, that really hurts. If she doesn't approach me by the end of April, then I can break NC and ask her if she wants to go out to a movie or for dinner or something. We chat, catch up, I make it clear that I've been doing well and enjoying life to its fullest, etc, and we go from there. If she enjoyed spending time together she can text me during the summer after she moves out when our lease is up and make it clear that shes interested. If not, it feels more natural because we were both supposed to move out anyways. The only hole in this plan is if she approaches me and tells me that SHE wants to move out, in which case i guess i could tell her I understand and that its probably better that way anyhow (even if I dont believe it).

 

B)I ask her to move out, which I really don't want to do and hate the idea of. I end up saying goodbye (for real) and then turn into an emotional trainwreck, potentially ruining everything I've worked for these past months, potentially driving me back down into a depression that ive worked really hard to get out of and was the reason for the breakup in the first place. Sure, eventually things may work out and ill get over it, but theres no saying how long tthat could take. My grades could also suffer as a result. She ends up being 100% out of my life and I have to deal with the early move out situation and stay in apartment that i would hate living in because shes no longer here. There's also the chance that not knowing where she is or what shes up to could play on repeat in my mind and just eat away at me.

 

I understand why people think her moving out is a good idea but that seems like it would put me two steps back and run the risk of destroying my motivation and emotional stability (which I seem to have as long as she's here). This is a really tough decision for me, and if I have to go through with option B then I guess I will, but does anyone think that option A could actually be the better choice? If not, remind me what's wrong with option A. Spell it out for me so I have a list of cons to compare with, because the fact that that list is so small for me right now is the biggest thing holding me back from asking her to move out.

 

I agree with chimpana -- this is a load of crap. This reads like someone looking for any excuse to not do what they need to do.

[Itspointless]

Well f-ck my life. I can already tell that her moving out is going to crush my soul.

Of-course it will, even being near her right now is the same as still getting your heroin-dose. Welcome in the wonderful world of being attached. It is horrible but it will be even more horrible when time by goes by, and still even worse if you witness what the others have mentioned.

[mightycpa]

OP,

 

I think I already know the answer, but is this your first time at this rodeo?

[CrystalShine2011]

I would get out of this as soon as you can.

 

Good luck.

[myxtchek]

OP,

 

I think I already know the answer, but is this your first time at this rodeo?

 

It sure is :/

 

So let me pose another hypothetical that strikes at the heart of the only reason you want her around - she brings home a new guy and she ****s him like a pornstar, loud and long.

 

As I recall, you said that this would disrespect you somehow. What you really mean is that it would hurt you and you think by keeping her around, she won't do it. It isn't a show of disrespect if you're actually over.

 

Of course it would hurt. But it would be disrespectful because we were in a 3 and a half year long relationship, she has said that she still cares about me, and because we're still living together. It's not only disrespectful to me, it's just disrespectful in general (it would be for anyone). If she's going to be doing that then either take it somewhere else and/or move out.

 

but only if she can comply with a set of rules that is meant solely to help you avoid acknowledging the fact that she's free to do what she wants. You want her there so that you don't have to face the truth.

 

This is exactly why I mentioned saying something like "I need to know where your interests lie. If you're interested in seeing other people/friends with benefits that's your decision and I'm not going to tell you what you can or cant do. I understand if that's what you want, but if that's the case then I need you move out, because I don't want to be there when that happens."

 

Basically letting her know that if she really wants to see other people it's her choice, but if that's the case then I need her to move out.

 

Living with her allows you to delude yourself into believing you aren't really broken up or that it's just temporary.

 

Honestly the portion in bold is probably the most accurate. My hope is that we'll work things out after a month or two of NC. I do believe I've accepted that the relationship is over, I'm just not excited about the idea of her being 100% gone. The possibility of reconciliation would seem 100% hopeless if she moves out (out of sight out of mind). Whereas is she stays here it sounds more likely to me that we can work things out in the future.

 

All of your self-improvement efforts will be futile because every time you see her you'll be reminded that she is your goal, not you.

Is her motivating me to accelerate my path forward in life necessarily a bad thing? I say "accelerate" because I started my path to self-improvement a few months ago, and it was entirely for me. Now there's just more fuel for the fire. If it ends up in vain (in the sense that it doesn't bring her back) then at least I'm doing well, motivated, staying productive, and have something going for me when the lease is up and we both move out, as opposed to being a depressed sadsack who cries himself to sleep at night and can't even muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning. Which version of me sounds more attractive?

 

I'm reading fear, denial, co-dependence and controlling behavior in you.

Fear? Yes, I fear that I'm being faced with the idea of making a choice that has the potential to send me back to rock-bottom, where I just crawled myself out of a few months ago. Denial? Maybe a little. Like I said, I think I've accepted that things are over and that she says she wants other things right now. I understand her reasons, they aren't ridiculous to me, in fact, they make sense. If there's any denial it's that she's actually turned into a person who cares more about sex, drinking, and finding a friend with benefits than working to repair a relationship that was strong enough to last for more than 3 years. Co-dependence? Not too sure about this one. Like I said, I started my path to self-improvement months ago, and did it entirely on my own. Controlling? Ehhh. I let things slide in the last year of our relationship that if the tables were turned she would probably be very uncomfortable with. I wouldn't say I was controlling during our relationship, just that I had the expectation that she wouldn't do things that would make her uncomfortable if I did (double standards/things being fair, etc). As for the agreement not to see other people, I didn't tell her she wasn't ALLOWED to. I asked her if that's something she would be ok with, but I also said that I didn't expect to her to and that if she wasn't ok with it I would understand.

 

And chimp, the only part of your assessment of option A that I believe is realistic is this part:

Then she starts going out. She doesn't get back until 2 or 3 in the morning, if she gets back at all. You lay awake every night she's gone wondering where she went or who she's with.

Then again, wouldn't I be having similar thoughts if she moved out anyways? Obviously not related to her not coming back home, but just where she is or who she's with.

 

I hear everyone saying that her being around will prevent me from healing. But it sounds like it would be much easier to stay motivated, improve upon myself, and move forward if she's still here. I read this atricle: 12 Reasons Why the No Contact Rule Always Works - Lovepanky and this is part of the reason I'm confused. None of that sounds like it would be me if she stuck around. Like I said, at most I'm her roommate who says hi and is kind, but doesn't interact with her for more than a minute or two at a time. I have no interest in being her friend. Friends talk, hang out, and do things together. That would not be me.

 

As an alternative to option A and option B, let me present one other option that I've just considered.

Option C) I take the money and say to her, "I can't accept this money as a gift if I'm just going to use it for myself. However, there is one thing that I would accept, but only if you're interested and willing. If you wanted to use this money to pay for us to see a counselor/therapist so that we can sit down and talk, and bounce things off of a third party, then that's something I would be ok with. It wouldn't be to try to repair our relationship, as far as I'm concerned the relationship we had is over, and I don't think either one of us wants to go back to it. That's not the relationship I want to think of when I think of us. The only relationship I would want to be a part of is one where we start over, fresh, after having taken some time apart to think, to do our own thing for a while, and to reapproach the situation like we were two completely different people who were meeting for the first time. So just let me know if that's something you would be interesting in doing, and if not, then just keep it."

 

Again, I apologize for seeming so resistant. I just know me too well and based on the situation I'm very worried about throwing myself back into a state of severe depression. After being depressed for years the thought of falling back into that hole I've just crawled out of is not appealing, and if I can find an alternative that would be ideal. Don't let me talk myself out of doing the right thing, but try to see where I'm coming from and if at all possible try to suggest a compromise between my suggestion and the alternative, i.e. kicking her out and sending myself into a state of emotional distress/turmoil.

 

I'll probably end up showing this thread to a friend or two of mine just so I can get their take on the situation. Again, thank you all for being so helpful. I absolutely love the fact there is an online community with people who are as kind and willing to help as you all have been.

Edited February 22, 2015 by myxtchek
clarity

[Simon Phoenix]

There's more spinning going on than a DJ at a club on Friday night.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Kiddo, there is no compromise here. The drug addiction analogy was right on the money; you are basically an addict desperate for any excuse not to give up your drug. "But I need it! It's better for me to wean myself off slowly! I'll eventually give it up, I have a plan and everything, I promise!" Meanwhile, we are your stern older relatives, hands outstretched, telling you to put the needle down.

 

Your desperation is making you illogical:

 

My hope is that we'll work things out after a month or two of NC. I do believe I've accepted that the relationship is over

These statements (back to back no less) are mutually exclusive. If you think you have any hope of getting her back you haven't accepted it's over at all. You seem to think this is just a little stumbling block. Unfortunately, I do not believe there is any chance of you reconciling with her. There are just too many indicators suggesting she's moved light-years beyond your relationship already and has no romantic feelings for you anymore. Going to the gym and "working on yourself" won't change that.

 

When someone reaches the point where they're OK just having occasional sex with you, it's well and truly over. She no longer has any romantic feelings for you and you cannot bring them back. If you were even a few years older you'd know that "I still care about you" is the breakup equivalent of trying to gently drop a piano on someone's head. You don't want to be out of sight and out of mind but you're already out of her mind, whether she sees you or not. She no longer views you as a potential partner. Even if you're hellbent on letting her stay, it is very clear that this arrangement is not going to work. You have far less control over this situation than you realize. You are going to go stark raving mad with jealousy and resentment and she will probably get fed up and move out on her own. Only by then she won't care about you anymore.

 

I mentioned my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend did exactly what you're doing now, right? I would tell you to reach out to her, but she had a psychotic breakdown, alienated all her friends and moved to a different continent in a different hemisphere. Have you considered North Africa? Morocco is pretty nice.

Edited February 23, 2015 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[mightycpa]

I guess what doesn't make sense to me is your reaction the other night where you pulled her aside after 20 minutes and told her you were uncomfortable. Essentially, you're saying

 

Live here so that I don't go off the deep end, but:

 

• don't bring guys here
  
• don't interact with me
  
• don't interact with my friends
  

and if you do, I want you to leave, because I can't stand to see that stuff. Live here my way, or hit the highway.

 

It doesn't make a damn bit of sense to hear you tell it. What makes sense to me is that you realize that if she moves out, you have no hope at reconciliation. So this is nothing more than buying time, although the whole ignore/avoid strategy doesn't bring you closer to reconciliation, so I don't see the time together being helpful in any way. In fact, from her shoes, you'll be acting a lot like you did when you drove her away, or maybe even worse. That is counterproductive.

 

She saw you at your worst, and she saw you bounce back and THEN she broke up with you. I can't imagine what you think might change, other than she'll forget why she broke up with you. She might, but then once you're comfortably back together, she'll recognize these things in you. More than likely though is that she has not forgotten and the bubble you two occupied has burst for her. She's clear eyed now, and nothing will change her mind, not even time.

 

I just think that maybe you don't understand just how powerful and permanent the loss of love and affection usually is. Love doesn't go dormant. It dies, and when it does, it's like everything else that dies. You need a miracle to bring it back to life.

 

That said, I also don't think you can be convinced. The lease will be up soon, and you're intent on facing the music then instead of now. Maybe you'll be stronger, or maybe in the meantime, she'll stab you in the heart somehow, so that the thought of being with her again is unthinkable. If so, you'll rue the day you asked her to stay.

 

Let us know what happens.

[myxtchek]

Just posting an update on the situation and looking for a bit more advice on what to do in the coming weeks. Sorry for the long post.

 

What ended up happening is that after finally collecting my thoughts and talking to a bunch of people, I finally convinced myself that no matter what it is I want, it won't get accomplished if she stays. So I ended up mentioning that I think it's best if she moves out. However, she had apparently already planned on doing so, but her parents (one of them, I believe) told her not to tell me :/

 

Anyways, I've been at a bit of a crossroads on handling the situation from now until the time she moves out. The problem I'm having is that I'm ok with initiating NC when she moves out, but until then, it feels wrong because (as I believed someone else mentioned earlier in the thread) part of the reason she broke up with me in the first place is because I would neglect/ignore her due to my depression, so continuing to do this by going NC right now seems like it would just do a very good job of convincing her that she's making the right decision, and that I really will never change.

 

The rest of this post could be a big no no and if it is then let me know, but when she was on her way home from work Monday night I called her and asked her if she had eaten dinner yet, as I was about to make something and I know she probably hadn't eaten all day. She said she hadn't, so when she got home we ate and talked. I basically just told her that I didn't want her to think I hated her and that that's not why I hadn't been interacting with her. I then asked if she wanted to watch a movie before going to sleep, and (not sure what to make of this), she started tearing up and cried a little (she was confused). Idk if this is a good sign or what, but we didn't end up watching a movie that night because I had an early class anyways.

 

Before moving on, I should mention is that while she is still hesitant about the idea of getting back together because "I'm tired of getting hurt by you, and I think things will just go back to the way they are" she is now starting to open up a bit more to the idea of reconciling. However, she mentioned that she wants us both to date other people before we decide if that's a good idea because A) she wants me to see what other girls are like to see if I truly appreciate what I had, and B) she wants to see how other guys will treat her. When I say date, by the way, she means go out on dates, not jump into another relationship or have sex with other people (although obviously this could always naturally follow).

 

However, last night we talked again. We ended up talking a lot about a vacation I went on with her dad and stepmom a while back and how much we both really enjoyed it. We were smiling, laughing, and reminiscing a bit. I then told her that if she really wanted us to date other people then so be it, but I told her I didn't want her to compare the depressed me who treated her poorly to some guy she dates who will (naturally) treat her like gold, as would any guy who's trying to win over a girls heart. I told her that until she moved out I wanted her treat things more normally so that she didn't leave our relationship with a foul taste in her mouth. She asked how I wanted to accomplish that, and I said "well, we could start by watching a movie." Shortly after we ended up watching an old disney movie together (SHE picked MY favorite disney movie, one that she also likes a lot and that we had watched several times during our relationship). She ended up laying on me and was ok with it, and a long while later (this is where I might have messed up), I started trying to kiss her. She made a joking comment about me breaking my own agreement and how she "won" since I was the first to try to kiss "another girl." She eventually did, though it was the kind of kiss you would give your mom when you were a kid.

 

Later on, however, when I was getting ready to go back to my room to go to bed, she said something like "not unless you plan on sleeping in here." To which I replied "what happened to 'I want my room to myself'?" She basically invited me to sleep in her bed (she wanted someone to cuddle with), and I was hesitant, but then said, "if you kiss me for real then I'll let you sleep with me." I've already mentioned that if we ever get back together it would be a new relationship (as if we were meeting for the first time) and so with the idea that I was supposed to be winning her over again and starting from scratch she said "idk if I'm ready, and I don't trust that this won't lead to something else." After convincing her that it wouldn't lead to anything else she gave in, we made out a bit, and then went to sleep in the same bed.

 

After having said all this, my two questions are:

1) Am I totally f---ing this up, or is me trying to show her how things COULD be if she hadn't broken up with me or how they could be if we get back together a good idea? Like I said, it just seems like such an awful idea for me to let her to leave after I ignore her the entire time until she moves out. I'm kind of hoping I can show her how nice things could be and that way when she moves out she won't be thinking "God I'm glad I moved out, he treated me poorly during our relationship, asked me not to interact with his friends while I'm here, and then ignored me until I moved out. I clearly made the right choice."

 

2) When her parents come to help her move (mom, dad, stepdad), would it be a good/adult/mature thing if I asked to speak to them (either with or without her there), and basically explained things a bit, apologized, let them know I'm sorry I wasn't around more and that the reason I wasn't isn't because I hate them but because I was depressed and isolated myself for a long time, but that I've finally taken steps towards self-improvement and managed to crawl myself out of the hole I was in for so long. Say that I only want what's best for her, and that while I understand her decision to break up with me, my hope is that she (and her parents) can forgive me and that in the future I'll have a chance to make things right, show her a newer and better me, and after taking some time apart, trying to build an ever better, stronger relationship from the ground up after having learned all I have from being together, and really doing it right the second time around. Maybe even tell them that I think they're all great parents and do a wonderful job of being there and looking out for her, and that I have nothing but the utmost respect for all of them?

 

Lemme know how I've handled things so far or if I've totally butchered everything, and what you think I should do in the next week or two or however long it is until she moves out.

Edited February 26, 2015 by myxtchek
clarity

[myxtchek]

I should probably mention that the part about apologizing to her family for not being around more is because that was a big issue during our relationship. She tried to get me to be around her family a lot but I had a really tough time doing that because I'm naturally introverted and was already isolating myself from her and even from my own friends.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I agree you #%*$ed it up horribly by making out with her, but only because you just set back your own healing by months. She was clear from the beginning that she wouldn't mind demoting you to a FWB. By your own account she gave you the kind of kiss she'd give a relative. She is so far beyond having any romantic feelings whatsoever that there's really no point. Your encounter probably meant very little to her, but it sabotaged your own well-being. Don't do that.

 

This whole thing about her being open to reconciliation is entirely in your head. She still wants to break up with you, move out, and see (date, kiss, have sex with) other people. After she moves out and goes on dates she's going to think "Gosh, I'm so young and this world is so huge, I'm so glad I didn't get tied down to that guy." You will probably think that too, in time, and hopefully at some point you can meet again as friends.

 

As for the increasingly terrifying paragraph at the end about her family: do not do that. Do not do any of that. It's not good or mature, it's creepy and weird. This is her family, not yours, and they are frankly not interested in how you feel. They even told her not to tell you about her decision to move, which suggests they don't have a very high opinion of your emotional maturity. You should make plans to spend the entire day or weekend at a friend's place.

[myxtchek]

I don't think our encounter meant nothing to her, I know her well enough to know that she was genuinely having a good time when we were talking and watching the movie. Yes, there's a chance that making out meant little to her and that it could have made her uncomfortable, but I guess at the very least a better bet would have been to let her initiate any advances.

 

As for the parents thing, I guess I thought that they would respect me for accepting her decision and understanding it, and letting them know that because I DO care about her that I want what's best for her just the same as they do, even if what's best for her doesn't involve me being in the picture. The reason they told her not to tell me she was moving out is because they thought I would convince her to stay (they didn't think us living together was the best idea in the first place because all adults know how tough living with someone is. My parents were worried about the same thing). She actually mentioned that she was surprised that when her mom has been talking to her, she keeps saying things like "if you guys get back together/if things work out, then let him know that we don't hate him. I know he wasn't around much and if you get back together with him I don't want him to be afraid of coming over." Does that change your view at all, or at the very least do you think I could ask her if that would make either her or her parents uncomfortable, and decide from there?

 

As for me making out with her, I don't think it will set back my healing. For the most part I've been handling this well, but no matter how well I'm handling it, her moving out is going to be really tough on me. And when she said the FWB thing, she meant someone else, not me. I don't think she would do FWB with me because there would be too many feelings involved (I wouldn't do it anyways). We've also talked about her saying that she wants a FWB here and there, and she's said several times that her wanting that is more of a fantasy type thing (she made an interesting comparison to a particular genre of porn she knew I was into in the past). For me it was "the idea is oddly satisfying but I would probably never do it in real life", while for her it's probably "the idea sounds nice but it's complicated and unrealistic."

 

Again, I expect you to laugh and think "this guy's clueless, she clearly just wants to f-ck other people" (and maybe you're right), but there was a guy she ran into at a bar when we went out a month ago who is a really old friend of hers and who she also dated for like a month (in middle school I think), but they were really good friends for quite some time. Anyways, SHE told me that recently (within the past week or so) that he was strongly hinting at and suggesting that he could be her FWB, and she freaked out, tried to avoid the question/conversation, and now feels like things are awkward between them since he's now shown an interest in getting into her pants. It kind of makes sense, someone who's only ever done anything sexual with people who she's been in a committed relationship with suddenly has an old friend of hers say the equivalent of "Hey, I haven't seen, heard from, or talked to you in a long time, and now that you're breaking up with your boyfriend and you've told me you want a FWB, I'd totally be down to ****, wanna get started this weekend?" I guess I should be thanking that clueless oaf for scaring her out of the idea (for now). What a complete and total fu-kwad, he has a shot at slipping his way in by being there for her and his genius approach is to suggest they start hooking up a week after she's gotten out of a 3 and a half year long relationship.

 

Last but not least, what do you think I should be doing from now until she moves out? In terms of interacting with her, that is.

Edited February 26, 2015 by myxtchek

[myxtchek]

Oh, one last thing. Despite what happens, what do you think I should say to her in regards to the friends of mine she's grown close to? I'm sure she really doesn't want to but if I ask her then she's willing to cut ties with them.

 

It seems like if I tell her to cut ties then she's going to find new friends/guys to hang out with (which isn't necessarily a bad thing for her, she needs some new/good friends of her own), but obviously I trust the moral compass of people I know and am friends with far better than any random guy who could act just like the old friend of hers I mentioned who's only interest seems to be getting into her pants. Or some new girlfriend who's idea of helping her cope is taking her out to clubs/bars/parties and getting her drunk.

 

I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to control her, I'm just wondering if her maintaining ties with my friends is a good thing or a bad thing.

[Betterm3]

How are things myxtcheck?i hope you are feeling better (if that's even possible at this point),my story is very similar to yours and I had the same questions as what you are having right now.My ex boyfriend broke up with me just before christmas last year and needless to say i wen through the same roller coaster of emotions that you're having right now,but everyone in here is right your one and only option is to go NC I know you have all the reasons to doubt it trust me I could give you more but right now you should think of YOU because that's all what you have got left.Me and my ex-bf were living in together and just like you it felt like hell when he moved out but i needed it even thou i was too blind to see it myself,but then time wen on and he was moving on and it was killing me seeing him move on with his life while i was still hurting so I took a stand unfriended him on FB and even blocked him,i wen through hell before i realised that the person once was the source of my happiness is now my source of pain.It sucks and its gonna hurt for a while but it gets easier and better everyday but right now first you have to let go and live life if there's any chance of reconciliation down the road you would be in a better place than where you are right now.My ex-bf reached out to me numerous times during NC but I was still in a mess to even consider sending a reply to his text messages.Right now don't think about her don't even ask your mutual friends trust me you won't be able to handle what's going on with her life because right now unfortunately you're not part of it anymore. But you'll get through just like everyone after all break ups happen everyday.

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/462922-if-you-want-them-back

you might wanna read this,my break up was the reason why i came to loveshack and first i was just reading threads of people and it made me feel like there's hope in everything and there's a light at the end of the tunnel thou you believe that or not and by far this is one of the best threads that help me get through.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Betterm3

[Itspointless]

I don't think our encounter meant nothing to her, I know her well enough to know that she was genuinely having a good time when we were talking and watching the movie. Yes, there's a chance that making out meant little to her and that it could have made her uncomfortable, but I guess at the very least a better bet would have been to let her initiate any advances.

 

As for the parents thing, I guess I thought that they would respect me for accepting her decision and understanding it, and letting them know that because I DO care about her that I want what's best for her just the same as they do, even if what's best for her doesn't involve me being in the picture. The reason they told her not to tell me she was moving out is because they thought I would convince her to stay (they didn't think us living together was the best idea in the first place because all adults know how tough living with someone is. My parents were worried about the same thing). She actually mentioned that she was surprised that when her mom has been talking to her, she keeps saying things like "if you guys get back together/if things work out, then let him know that we don't hate him. I know he wasn't around much and if you get back together with him I don't want him to be afraid of coming over." Does that change your view at all, or at the very least do you think I could ask her if that would make either her or her parents uncomfortable, and decide from there?

 

As for me making out with her, I don't think it will set back my healing. For the most part I've been handling this well, but no matter how well I'm handling it, her moving out is going to be really tough on me. And when she said the FWB thing, she meant someone else, not me. I don't think she would do FWB with me because there would be too many feelings involved (I wouldn't do it anyways). We've also talked about her saying that she wants a FWB here and there, and she's said several times that her wanting that is more of a fantasy type thing (she made an interesting comparison to a particular genre of porn she knew I was into in the past). For me it was "the idea is oddly satisfying but I would probably never do it in real life", while for her it's probably "the idea sounds nice but it's complicated and unrealistic."

 

Again, I expect you to laugh and think "this guy's clueless, she clearly just wants to f-ck other people" (and maybe you're right), but there was a guy she ran into at a bar when we went out a month ago who is a really old friend of hers and who she also dated for like a month (in middle school I think), but they were really good friends for quite some time. Anyways, SHE told me that recently (within the past week or so) that he was strongly hinting at and suggesting that he could be her FWB, and she freaked out, tried to avoid the question/conversation, and now feels like things are awkward between them since he's now shown an interest in getting into her pants. It kind of makes sense, someone who's only ever done anything sexual with people who she's been in a committed relationship with suddenly has an old friend of hers say the equivalent of "Hey, I haven't seen, heard from, or talked to you in a long time, and now that you're breaking up with your boyfriend and you've told me you want a FWB, I'd totally be down to ****, wanna get started this weekend?" I guess I should be thanking that clueless oaf for scaring her out of the idea (for now). What a complete and total fu-kwad, he has a shot at slipping his way in by being there for her and his genius approach is to suggest they start hooking up a week after she's gotten out of a 3 and a half year long relationship.

 

Last but not least, what do you think I should be doing from now until she moves out? In terms of interacting with her, that is.

My guess is that you probably have to thank that old friend of hers that she broke up with you. It seems though that it was bound to happen with someone, as she apparently was tired of you being depressed. It is hard if your partner is depressed, unfortunately her love was not strong enough to last long enough. Take it as a lesson for next time. Know that people wont stick to you if you do not let them know that you really appreciate their efforts, if you did do that while depressed, well done! Also do not skip the inlaws, Their opinions about you affect her.

 

As for her parents, I had a low opinion of them, but your writing has changed that a bit. But the fact is they have not contacted you. if they had I would say yes let them know certain things. But they have not and that is clear sign that they do not really care. I personally find that something they should have done, not you. That is not going to change with you contacting them. If you do they probably interpretate it the opposite way.

 

It is nice that you are being nice to her, but it only signals that your price is much lower than she thought. She got you for free.

 

Choose for you.

[myxtchek]

As for her parents, I had a low opinion of them, but your writing has changed that a bit. But the fact is they have not contacted you. if they had I would say yes let them know certain things. But they have not and that is clear sign that they do not really care. I personally find that something they should have done, not you. That is not going to change with you contacting them. If you do they probably interpretate it the opposite way.

 

Truthfully her dad probably wouldn't care much, but that has more to do with the fact that he's hardly involved in her life at all. Still, he's the kind of guy who I feel would be impressed with me talking to them and being an adult about the situation (unless I end up tearing up/getting emotional, in which case he would probably just laugh and call me a baby). If I held it together though, I think he would be genuinely impressed.

 

Her stepdad may or may not care. He's a fun guy and to be honest he was the one in her family who reached out to me the most and tried to make me feel involved. He went out of his way to make sure he got to know me, and when I was hanging out with her family for a day out on the lake a few months back, we went to the store together (just us) to get food/stuff to cook on the grill. When we got back, him and I (again, just the two of us) cooked burgers/hot dogs on the grill while everyone else was inside watching a football/basketball game (can't remember which). He shared quite a bit of personal stuff with me during that time and really opened up about some stuff, which surprised me. Right after we broke up she told her parents she was worried that I was going to "post pictures of her" online, and he ended up asking to talk to me on the phone to make sure that wasn't going to happen. Just a classic case of dad/stepdad being protective, but it was a bit tense and and I don't want him to think I'm just some scumbag who treated his stepdaughter like trash and then planned on defacing her public image.

 

Her mom has always been really sweet to me and she, if anyone, would understand and actually care about my side of the situation. She's actually struggled with clinical depression herself for a while (has been seeking professional help) and so to an extent I feel like she can relate to what I've gone through. Even after everything that happened before we broke up and after how little I was around, every time she saw me and every time I would leave she would give me a hug, kiss me, and (something I found odd) actually started telling me she loved me.

 

You said yourself that her family's opinion of me matters, and it will likely continue to matter for a while (unless/until I fall off the face of the Earth). It would also matter if we ever DID try getting back together, so I just feel like there are things I should say to them.

 

With that being said, I have three questions:

A) Do you now think I SHOULD say something, or do you still believe that the best idea is for me to let things be? Note that I wouldn't be contacting them to do this, my plan would just be to ask to talk to them for a few minutes when they come to help her move out, after which I would say something like "well thank you for taking the time to listen, I appreciate it. I gotta run now, I have somewhere to be." At which point I would "say goodbye" and do what I feel is appropriate with each of them (shake her dad's hand, hug her stepmom if she shows up, brohug her stepdad, and hug her mom).

 

B) IF I WERE to go through with this, out of the things I mentioned, what things would you think would be appropriate to say/do? Anything else you would add?

 

C) What would you say/do about the friends thing? The friends I'm taking about are the ones who are my friends first and foremost (from high school) and who she grew close to over the years because they were around a lot. Mutual friends who are girls are more her friends than mine so that's not a problem (even though some of them are single and will no doubt do everything in their power to take her out drinking to "show her a good time".) Do I tell her I don't mind if she remains friends with my friends so maybe they can put in a good word and try to help my situation, or do I tell her I'd prefer if she cut ties with them because that's something I need to help me heal?

Edited February 26, 2015 by myxtchek
left something out