Update + Complications

[myxtchek]

How are things myxtcheck?i hope you are feeling better (if that's even possible at this point). Right now don't think about her don't even ask your mutual friends trust me you won't be able to handle what's going on with her life because right now unfortunately you're not part of it anymore. But you'll get through just like everyone after all break ups happen everyday.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/462922-if-you-want-them-back

you might wanna read this,my break up was the reason why i came to loveshack and first i was just reading threads of people and it made me feel like there's hope in everything and there's a light at the end of the tunnel thou you believe that or not and by far this is one of the best threads that help me get through.

 

Thank you Betterm3, I appreciate your input. I've read through it and while I do plan on going NC when she moves out (despite how much I hate that I have to), I'm more concerned about what I should be doing and how I should be handling the situation from now until the time she moves out. Again, I don't want to solidify her decision by initiating NC for a few days/a week/two weeks or however long it takes her to move out. To me that would just be a reminder of how I did the same thing during our relationship and a reminder that I haven't changed at all.

 

For now I'm doing okay. I hate that things turned out like this and while I haven't been beating myself up, I do blame myself for playing a large role in what happened. I totally understand why she's made this decision based on how I acted and treated her while I was depressed, but it still hurts to look back and realize how easy it would have been to prevent all of this from ever happening. I'm trying to stay productive, motivated, and active, and really focus on bettering myself so that even if she doesn't come back that at least I'll have something going for me.

[ZiggyZoo]

I don't think our encounter meant nothing to her, I know her well enough to know that she was genuinely having a good time when we were talking and watching the movie. Yes, there's a chance that making out meant little to her and that it could have made her uncomfortable, but I guess at the very least a better bet would have been to let her initiate any advances.

 

As for the parents thing, I guess I thought that they would respect me for accepting her decision and understanding it, and letting them know that because I DO care about her that I want what's best for her just the same as they do, even if what's best for her doesn't involve me being in the picture. The reason they told her not to tell me she was moving out is because they thought I would convince her to stay (they didn't think us living together was the best idea in the first place because all adults know how tough living with someone is. My parents were worried about the same thing). She actually mentioned that she was surprised that when her mom has been talking to her, she keeps saying things like "if you guys get back together/if things work out, then let him know that we don't hate him. I know he wasn't around much and if you get back together with him I don't want him to be afraid of coming over." Does that change your view at all, or at the very least do you think I could ask her if that would make either her or her parents uncomfortable, and decide from there?

 

As for me making out with her, I don't think it will set back my healing. For the most part I've been handling this well, but no matter how well I'm handling it, her moving out is going to be really tough on me. And when she said the FWB thing, she meant someone else, not me. I don't think she would do FWB with me because there would be too many feelings involved (I wouldn't do it anyways). We've also talked about her saying that she wants a FWB here and there, and she's said several times that her wanting that is more of a fantasy type thing (she made an interesting comparison to a particular genre of porn she knew I was into in the past). For me it was "the idea is oddly satisfying but I would probably never do it in real life", while for her it's probably "the idea sounds nice but it's complicated and unrealistic."

 

Again, I expect you to laugh and think "this guy's clueless, she clearly just wants to f-ck other people" (and maybe you're right), but there was a guy she ran into at a bar when we went out a month ago who is a really old friend of hers and who she also dated for like a month (in middle school I think), but they were really good friends for quite some time. Anyways, SHE told me that recently (within the past week or so) that he was strongly hinting at and suggesting that he could be her FWB, and she freaked out, tried to avoid the question/conversation, and now feels like things are awkward between them since he's now shown an interest in getting into her pants. It kind of makes sense, someone who's only ever done anything sexual with people who she's been in a committed relationship with suddenly has an old friend of hers say the equivalent of "Hey, I haven't seen, heard from, or talked to you in a long time, and now that you're breaking up with your boyfriend and you've told me you want a FWB, I'd totally be down to ****, wanna get started this weekend?" I guess I should be thanking that clueless oaf for scaring her out of the idea (for now). What a complete and total fu-kwad, he has a shot at slipping his way in by being there for her and his genius approach is to suggest they start hooking up a week after she's gotten out of a 3 and a half year long relationship.

 

Last but not least, what do you think I should be doing from now until she moves out? In terms of interacting with her, that is.

 

The reason why it will set your healing back is because it's just one more occasion that you can point to and say, "Well, we snuggled and made out that one time when we were technically broken up. So maaaaybe there's a chance for me yet." Just one more thing for you to ruminate and obsess over and give false hope. I don't mean to be critical about that at all, lord knows I've done my own fair share of picking apart moments and assigning more value to them than they deserved. But it isn't going to help at all.

 

Her parents...first of all, it's a terrible idea for you to even be there when she's moving out. If you take no other advice, PLEASE listen here. Be somewhere else when she's doing it. Explain to her ahead of time that its too hard to watch her move out, and you can't be there. Seeing her room without her stuff is going to be hard enough, trust me, you don't want to put yourself through the heartbreak of seeing her move out.

 

HOWEVER, if you decide that you need to be there, do NOT NOT NOT talk to her parents. I know you're coming from a good place, and you know that you're coming from a good place, but it's creepy. You don't need to look after her anymore. You are her ex boyfriend. She is moving out at the time of this meeting. You are there helping out for some reason. This all will look desperate and a bit much. Especially if they've had reservations about the relationship at all. Especially too if you're doubting your ability to say anything without tearing up. That's her family, they're there to help her, not to listen to you unburden yourself. It's likely to be emotional and hard for her too, and she's who they're there to help, not you.

 

Aaaaaand her telling you about the guy who wanted to be FWB with her. This is classic friendzone, there's no way a girl is going to tell a guy she's interested in about other guys who are interested in her too. Not unless she's playing some stupid jealousy game, and you should steer clear anyway, if that's the case.

 

Your friends and her. This is you attempting to keep tabs on her and try to prevent her from meeting anyone she might hook up with by having your friends babysit. I'd say that they should be polite but distant, and not update you on any sightings (not in NC, anyway). Let her go. Your behavior is getting more and more controlling as you go on. She is going to meet other guys. She may or may not hook up with them. This is why you need to go NC. So you won't know when/if it happens. Imagining it will be hard enough, trust me.

 

I think you know what I'm going to suggest about how to act until she moves out. And you're not going to go NC. I'd at least say that you two shouldn't hang out alone together. It will make it that much worse when she does leave. But at the very least, don't try to make out with her. I cringed when you said she kissed you like a relative at first and wasn't into it. Just don't.

 

Finally, I hope you know that I'm being a bit harsh out of care. I've had my heart broken, and wanted nothing more than for it to go back to how it all was too. I'm coming from a place of experience, and want to help minimize the hurt that this process is going to bring about.

[myxtchek]

Ziggy I wish I could meet you in person and thank you for all you've done. You've offered some great advice and have really helped me see things more clearly. You're a genuine person in a world where genuine people seem harder and harder to come by. The same goes for everyone else who's stuck around to offer their advice.

 

I have a few questions for you based on what you said, and would just like to clarify why I've been doing certain things.

 

And you're not going to go NC. I'd at least say that you two shouldn't hang out alone together. It will make it that much worse when she does leave. But at the very least, don't try to make out with her.

 

I told her a few days ago (can't recall what day) that I wanted her to treat things a bit more normally so that she wouldn't leave with a bad taste in her mouth. So that's the point of all this. From my perspective I'm trying to show her how things could have been, or how they could be if we ever end up together again.

 

I feel as though doing this will make it easier for me when she leaves, because in my mind she'll be leaving someone who was there for her and who did things that made it clear to her I cared, not the me who pushed her away and didn't spend time with her. Even if what I'm doing comes across as clingy or desperate, won't my actions make her more likely to realize that she's given up someone who got his **** together and finally started to make a real effort to show her that he cared and would be there for her, and thus strengthen my position when I go NC after she moves out? Especially if she has a hard time finding that elsewhere?

 

I mentioned the idea of taking her on a date this weekend, where we would both dress up and go out and do something together, and where I would have the chance to give her a taste of what us getting back together would look like. Again, the purpose of me doing this is the same reason as the paragraph above. Strategically speaking, wouldn't it be a good idea to do that and set the bar REALLY fu-king high, so other guys who try to woo her end up falling short?

 

If not, how do I go from telling her I want to show her how things could be and that I want her to give me an opportunity to show her that, back to us not spending time alone together, interacting nearly as much, or doing things together? Won't that just make it seem like I didn't really care enough to put forth an honest effort, or that I gave up too easily? Maybe I've dug myself into a hole, but how do I go from trying to commit to showing her these things/treating her right to backing off and distancing myself just a few days later?

 

Last but not least, I read this: The 5 Relationship Stages and there were a lot of things in there that sound like they fit what's going on with us very well. Is this something I could ask her to read over just because I think it offers some great insight into what's been going on? We know a couple who lives in the same apartment complex as us, they're mutual friends (him and I have been good friends for years and she met his girlfriend through me essentially), so perhaps I could ask him to suggest she give it a read-through instead of showing it to her myself?

 

Lemme know what you think, and as always, thanks again for everything.

 

p.s. Quick tack on. Yesterday she asked me if I was busy, and I said no. I really was but I had a feeling the reason she asked is because she wanted to spend time with me (which I'm now certain was the case). She didn't speak up and say anything so I ended up leaving for two hours to go take care of something, and when I got back she was jealous/upset. She says she was upset that I lied (which is ridiculous because if anything it was a white-lie meant to coax her into asking me to do something with her), but the real reason she was upset is that "I left her and made her feel alone again" after promising to show her an effort. Any analysis of what this means, and if it's good/bad/neutral?

Edited February 26, 2015 by myxtchek

[myxtchek]

I've understood most of the advice in this thread, but the one thing I'm actually surprised about is that people don't think me talking to her parents is a good idea. Her parents know who I am, it's not like they've never met me. And considering how yes, her parent's/friend's/family's opinions of me play a significant role in how she sees me, how is leaving things as they are a good idea for me?

 

The day we broke up I told her I had a "surprise" for her when she got home from work, which was really just a game I had made up that involved her selling herself to me as a person, then asking her to "tell me about myxtchek", followed by "So you love him? So you would never do anything to hurt him? So you would never do...(listed a few things she had done to hurt me)." She felt genuinely bad/sorry and later told me that had it not been for my "maniacal laughter" during the last bit, that she may have considered really trying to make things work. (My laughter was probably inappropriate but that's how I was coping with the disbelief of the situation and what she had done).

 

The things she HAD done were serious enough that I reacted by preparing myself for a seemingly imminent and unavoidable breakup, namely deleting explicit pictures of myself from her laptop so that she couldn't use them to embarrass me or something along those lines. When she called her parents after we broke up that night, she mentioned she was worried that I was going to post pictures of her online, and needless to say the thought of that did not sit well with her stepdad, who ended up asking to talk to me on the phone so he could personally tell me to "delete any pictures you have of her."

 

Again, I just don't want to end things with her parents/family members thinking I'm a scumbag of a person. I'd like them to respect me, not hate me, after all is said and done.

 

I guess if everyone really thinks it's a bad idea then I'll try my best not to act on the temptation to go through with it.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I am worried about you. The more you post, the more unsettling this situation becomes. The episode you describe in your last post---in which you played a disturbing, childish game that apparently terrified her, and her getting her stepfather to intervene after your breakup---makes me genuinely concerned for your emotional stability. I do not think you realize what a precarious situation you're in. Please seek professional help now so you'll be stronger when she does actually move out.

 

And considering how yes, her parent's/friend's/family's opinions of me play a significant role in how she sees me, how is leaving things as they are a good idea for me?

 

is because it no longer matters. At this point there is nothing you can say or do to get her back. If you try to engage her parents at all they will see it as a manipulative ploy (which it is) and it will further their suspicion that you're not good for their daughter. They probably don't think you're a scumbag, but they are in all likelihood worried that you cannot be mature about this breakup. Do not talk to them. Don't be anywhere near the apartment when she moves out.

 

Even if what I'm doing comes across as clingy or desperate, won't my actions make her more likely to realize that she's given up someone who got his **** together and finally started to make a real effort to show her that he cared and would be there for her, and thus strengthen my position when I go NC after she moves out? Especially if she has a hard time finding that elsewhere?

 

No. She won't think you've got your sh-t together, she'll think you've gone off the deep end and leave that much faster.

 

I mentioned the idea of taking her on a date this weekend, where we would both dress up and go out and do something together, and where I would have the chance to give her a taste of what us getting back together would look like. Again, the purpose of me doing this is the same reason as the paragraph above. Strategically speaking, wouldn't it be a good idea to do that and set the bar REALLY fu-king high, so other guys who try to woo her end up falling short?

 

No. She does not want to be with you, so it wouldn't matter what you did. For example, I would rather be with my boyfriend in a grungy pub than at the city's best restaurant with someone else. This is not a game; there is no "strategy", there is nothing you can do to "win her back".

 

Please start trying to familiarize yourself with the idea that your relationship is well and truly over. I know it's hard, it took me ages to accept it with my worst ex. But it appears your denial is causing you to act out in unhealthy ways and your priority needs to be healing. Take care of yourself.

[Simon Phoenix]

I've understood most of the advice in this thread, but the one thing I'm actually surprised about is that people don't think me talking to her parents is a good idea. Her parents know who I am, it's not like they've never met me. And considering how yes, her parent's/friend's/family's opinions of me play a significant role in how she sees me, how is leaving things as they are a good idea for me?

 

The day we broke up I told her I had a "surprise" for her when she got home from work, which was really just a game I had made up that involved her selling herself to me as a person, then asking her to "tell me about myxtchek", followed by "So you love him? So you would never do anything to hurt him? So you would never do...(listed a few things she had done to hurt me)." She felt genuinely bad/sorry and later told me that had it not been for my "maniacal laughter" during the last bit, that she may have considered really trying to make things work. (My laughter was probably inappropriate but that's how I was coping with the disbelief of the situation and what she had done).

 

The things she HAD done were serious enough that I reacted by preparing myself for a seemingly imminent and unavoidable breakup, namely deleting explicit pictures of myself from her laptop so that she couldn't use them to embarrass me or something along those lines. When she called her parents after we broke up that night, she mentioned she was worried that I was going to post pictures of her online, and needless to say the thought of that did not sit well with her stepdad, who ended up asking to talk to me on the phone so he could personally tell me to "delete any pictures you have of her."

 

Again, I just don't want to end things with her parents/family members thinking I'm a scumbag of a person. I'd like them to respect me, not hate me, after all is said and done.

 

I guess if everyone really thinks it's a bad idea then I'll try my best not to act on the temptation to go through with it.

 

It's meddling and comes off as extremely manipulative. Her parents are her confidants, not yours. You trying to control the message is completely inappropriate. Her parents are there for her and to support her, not to think that you are a great guy or to know your side of the story. That's her support network and you trying to infringe on it in any way is completely out of line.

 

To give you an example, the girl who brought me to this site back in the day was the sister-in-law of my best friend. I knew her sister (his wife) long before I knew her, and I knew my best friend way longer. That being said, I didn't say a single word to my ex's sister about my ex, the relationship, my side, anything. I didn't do that because it's not my place. It's her sister, that's her support system. I talked exclusively to my friend about it because he's been my friend for 16+ years and left her sister out of it. I'm wasn't going to try, or even give off the appearance of trying, to work behind the scenes to try to manipulate my way back. Because of that, I still have a good relationship with the sister because she respects the fact that I didn't try to use her to get my ex to reconsider. And, from what I know from the conversations I had with my friend, my ex didn't try to use him to get her agenda across. She respected my friendship with him. You need to respect your ex's boundaries, and talking to her parents would be a gross violation of those boundaries.

 

To be honest, all of your thoughts come off as extremely manipulative. You encouraging your friends to stay in touch with her to keep her away from her other friends? C'mon dude. That's not loving, that's not caring, that's trying to be a puppetmaster and keep her in range to try to win her back. That's another horrible idea. You need to let your ex get her head together without you and you really, really need to get your head together. Everything you type is so passive-aggressively controlling and manipulative. The "setting the bar high" date is also a horrid, dreadful idea. You are trying to control her like a commodity. There's no love there, just manipulation. That needs to stop, and taking a step back for a long time will do that.

Edited February 27, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Itspointless]

You said yourself that her family's opinion of me matters

Yes I said that, it matters during a relation. What you say or do now does not change a thing. She made up HER mind. There is a big chance that if you say something now it is comprehended as manipulative or pathetic. You can tell her that you say hi to them and really appreciated them while being with her. Also it is an obvious thing that every ex will be talked about more negatively than they often have been in reality. It is how things work and it will be her way of dealing with it.

A) Do you now think I SHOULD say something, or do you still believe that the best idea is for me to let things be?

Let them be, you think you feel fine now, but that is an illusion. Prepare yourself for afterwards when she is gone.

[myxtchek]

I was really late to jump on the NC train. Broke up a while back, we went on and off for a while, were still seeing each other even after we broke things off. Anyways, I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks but a day or two ago I finally got around to blocking her on facebook (and snapchat). She has since texted me twice asking about me blocking her on each, her most recent text asking "Why did you block me on Facebook? That kind of hurts."

 

I know everyone is hardcore about NC and sticking with it, but I hate not giving her an answer because I'm essentially ignoring her. I don't necessarily care right now, but if I were ever to reach out to her in the future after I had gotten over her, it feels like I'm guaranteeing that she wouldn't respond. Why would she if she looks back and remembers me ignoring her?

 

I don't feel like a victim in our breakup. In fact, I've done a lot of self-reflection and completely and totally understand her decision to leave me. I was depressed for a long time, failed to take care of myself, and thus failed to take care of her as well. I wasn't a good boyfriend to her for a long time. I did more seriously hurtful, heartless, and cruel things than I care to admit. No, she wasn't perfect, but she did a damn good job, and I truly appreciate how much she loved me and how long she stuck by my side.

 

A friend reached out to me a day or two after I blocked her on facebook to show me a status that she had gotten into a relationship with someone else. It wasn't a surprise to me, and truthfully it didn't really bother me that much. I don't allow myself to think about it or about her in general, she doesn't consume my thoughts.

 

Yes, I'm heartbroken, and yes, her leaving for good has thrown me back into a depression, but truthfully speaking I don't think she or whatever she's currently doing has a DIRECT impact on my wellbeing. I believe I've accepted that it's over, and thus I don't seem to care what she's up to, but I think accepting that it's over is what has made it so hard for me.

 

So after rambling for way too long and trying to let you see where I'm at mentally, my question is: what do you guys think about me replying and letting her know why I've blocked her online? I was thinking of saying something like "It's just something I need to do to help me move on. I'm glad things are going so well for you and that you've managed to move on and find someone else to share your life with, but I still have a lot of healing ahead of me. I didn't block you because I'm mad at you or out of spite, I did it for me, because that's what I think I need right now."

 

Thoughts???

[aisuru]

You don't owe her an explanation.

 

If you do feel compelled (since we do stupid things sometimes after breakups), you could say the following:

 

"I didn't block you because I'm mad at you or out of spite, I did it for me, because that's what I think I need right now."

 

Keep it simple. Don't mention anything about her moving on or that she may be with somebody else. That just makes you sound bitter.

 

But again, I don't think you owe her an explanation and your silence will empower you more. I promise.

 

Your response now will have little bearing on whether the two of you speak again or how she thinks of you. Keep. It. Simple.

[mightycpa]

I was really late to jump on the NC train. Broke up a while back, we went on and off for a while, were still seeing each other even after we broke things off. Anyways, I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks but a day or two ago I finally got around to blocking her on facebook (and snapchat). She has since texted me twice asking about me blocking her on each, her most recent text asking "Why did you block me on Facebook? That kind of hurts."

 

I know everyone is hardcore about NC and sticking with it, but I hate not giving her an answer because I'm essentially ignoring her. I don't necessarily care right now, but if I were ever to reach out to her in the future after I had gotten over her, it feels like I'm guaranteeing that she wouldn't respond. Why would she if she looks back and remembers me ignoring her?

 

I don't feel like a victim in our breakup. In fact, I've done a lot of self-reflection and completely and totally understand her decision to leave me. I was depressed for a long time, failed to take care of myself, and thus failed to take care of her as well. I wasn't a good boyfriend to her for a long time. I did more seriously hurtful, heartless, and cruel things than I care to admit. No, she wasn't perfect, but she did a damn good job, and I truly appreciate how much she loved me and how long she stuck by my side.

 

A friend reached out to me a day or two after I blocked her on facebook to show me a status that she had gotten into a relationship with someone else. It wasn't a surprise to me, and truthfully it didn't really bother me that much. I don't allow myself to think about it or about her in general, she doesn't consume my thoughts.

 

Yes, I'm heartbroken, and yes, her leaving for good has thrown me back into a depression, but truthfully speaking I don't think she or whatever she's currently doing has a DIRECT impact on my wellbeing. I believe I've accepted that it's over, and thus I don't seem to care what she's up to, but I think accepting that it's over is what has made it so hard for me.

 

So after rambling for way too long and trying to let you see where I'm at mentally, my question is: what do you guys think about me replying and letting her know why I've blocked her online? I was thinking of saying something like "It's just something I need to do to help me move on. I'm glad things are going so well for you and that you've managed to move on and find someone else to share your life with, but I still have a lot of healing ahead of me. I didn't block you because I'm mad at you or out of spite, I did it for me, because that's what I think I need right now."

 

Thoughts???

I think you're a lot like a fish swimming around in your pond, and you see this hook with a big, fat, juicy, squirming worm on it. You know you want that worm, but there's something funny about that hook and that line that goes up to the surface, but you can't quite figure it out.

 

Your instincts are telling you to bite that worm and make it yours, but your little fish brain is making you hesitate. You're not quite sure why, because you can't quite remember what it feels like getting dragged up to the surface on that hook. You just have this funny feeling about it, and you're hungry to eat this worm.

 

We are all your other fish buddies telling you

NO, NO, NO. Don't take the bait!

NC is ignoring her, that's exactly right. You're not doing it to her, as you've explained, you're doing it for your own good, and at this moment in time, you've decided that what's good for you is zero of her.

 

If, sometime in the future, you wish to reach out and talk or reconnect or whatever, and she can't find it in her cold little heart to forgive you for doing what you needed to do when you needed to do it, then I submit to you that this is a person not worth your time.

 

You risk absolutely nothing worth keeping. Don't take the bait.

Edited July 17, 2015 by mightycpa

[Gus Grimly]

The hardest thing I've learned from my recent BU is ... she's no longer part of my life. Anything bad or good, happy or sad, triumphant or tragic that happens to her is no longer my concern. My regrets are no longer her concern. Guilt can be a strong motivator to break NC, but it's just not worth it in the end.

[myxtchek]

Well hello again mightycpa, long time no see!

 

Aisuru, I don't feel like I owe her an explanation, yet I do feel compelled. Not exactly sure why.

 

NC is ignoring her, that's exactly right. You're not doing it to her, as you've explained, you're doing it for your own good, and at this moment in time, you've decided that what's good for you is zero of her.

 

Why is it not worth explaining that to her though? I pride myself on being a genuine human being, and offering at least a brief explanation seems like the right thing to do. I feel like a cold-hearted dick for just flat out ignoring her, and I don't really want to feel that way :/

[mightycpa]

She's a smart girl. If she's worried about it, she'll ask her friends, and she'll figure it out. Don't worry, she won't hate you. She just might even respect you a little.

 

Welcome back.

[aisuru]

Well hello again mightycpa, long time no see!

 

Aisuru, I don't feel like I owe her an explanation, yet I do feel compelled. Not exactly sure why.

 

 

 

Why is it not worth explaining that to her though? I pride myself on being a genuine human being, and offering at least a brief explanation seems like the right thing to do. I feel like a cold-hearted dick for just flat out ignoring her, and I don't really want to feel that way :/

 

Honestly? Because she doesn't give a **** about you or your explanations if she has moved on. If she hasn't moved on, your explanation gives her power because your explanation will be proof she can play with you like a cat plays with its toy.

 

That's why it's not worth explaining to her what you are doing and why.

 

She does not care.

 

I know it's hard to hear, but imagine yourself when you break up with somebody. You really don't care what the other person is feeling or going through when you are done.

 

Preserve your dignity and self respect. Don't explain your actions.

[myxtchek]

Haven't replied to her so far. I'd like to elaborate a bit more about what I'm going through so I can get some more general advice.

 

As I mentioned previously, I don't feel like a victim in the breakup. I see a lot of people who give advice on LS who say things more or less along the lines of "she left you and doesn't care about you, she threw you to the side and didn't take your feelings into consideration" etc etc. A kind of "f--- her, she's a mean, heartless person who you're far better off without" kind of mentality. And this isn't the way I feel at all.

 

I don't feel anger towards her, I don't hate her. If there's anyone I'm angry at and anyone I hate, it's myself. I feel a deep sense of regret and subconscious self-loathing because I feel personally responsible for destroying our relationship. I didn't take care of myself the way I should have when I was depressed. I was angry with myself and wasn't happy with who I was, and that anger seeped through the cracks and she found herself, far too many times, the victim of the anger I had inside.

 

I'm not saying I'm a bad person or a bad boyfriend for being depressed. I'm saying the way I handled it, and some of the things I did and the ways I treated her when I was depressed were awful. I used to visit a notorious online image-board/forum. While they didn't always offer sensible or even remotely useful advice, they are brutally honest, and one of the things I learned from reading through other people's posts asking for relationship advice on there was to look at my situation from an outside, totally unbiased perspective. Essentially, I am able to look at my relationship with my ex, and truthfully and honestly be able to tell myself "well yeah, of course she left you, of course she grew detached and started growing an interest in other men. Why wouldn't she? You isolated yourself, neglected her, and ignored her, her wants, and her needs for a long time."

 

I'm not trying to run around with a self-defeatist attitude, I'm just being honest with myself. I'm not happy with the way I treated her when I was depressed, at all. I wanted so badly to be able to turn that around and give her the love and attention she deserved for so long. I was able to get over my depression at the end of last year and was doing really well, and I tried to channel the positive energy into fixing things, into making things right with her. I wanted so badly to be a good boyfriend for her, and for us to rekindle and strengthen our relationship together. But she had grown tired, and in a sense it was too late. She didn't have the energy and the motivation, she had given up on me. I can't say I blame her, but having that opportunity stripped away from me when I was finally getting over my depression absolutely shattered my momentum.

 

I'm back in a depressed rut. I've been trying to move forward. I've been eating more and exercising regularly. I gained 15 pounds in a month and am now, for the first time in my life, no longer technically considered underweight for my age/height. I've been spending time with friends, managed to temporarily attract the interest of another girl, and have been trying to do the same things I did the first time I crawled out of my depression. I'm even starting to read some self-help books. But I don't FEEL like I'm getting anywhere.

 

I considered my relationship with my ex the best thing I had going for me, and was able to use that as a foundation to improve other areas of my life. And it was working fantastically. That's now been stripped away, and I feel like I have no foundation. Nothing to build on. I'm constantly overwhelmed and never feel like I have enough time in the day. I'm constantly distracted, my mind is constantly swarming, my energy levels, motivation, and mental clarity are gone. I feel lost, like I'm flailing around, drowning, trying to keep my head above water while everyone around me is walking on solid ground going about their lives just fine. I'm getting so tired of feeling like it's a chore to be happy. Life itself feels like a chore. My life is a mess. My indecisiveness, perfectionist tendencies, and apparent ADD/ADHD destroy my productivity and my ability to get anything done. I feel emotionally flat-lined and mentally unstable.

 

Sorry for the long post, I guess I really needed to get that out. Might be time to print out this post and go hand it to a licensed therapist...

[Ariess10]

Haven't replied to her so far. I'd like to elaborate a bit more about what I'm going through so I can get some more general advice.

 

As I mentioned previously, I don't feel like a victim in the breakup. I see a lot of people who give advice on LS who say things more or less along the lines of "she left you and doesn't care about you, she threw you to the side and didn't take your feelings into consideration" etc etc. A kind of "f--- her, she's a mean, heartless person who you're far better off without" kind of mentality. And this isn't the way I feel at all.

 

I don't feel anger towards her, I don't hate her. If there's anyone I'm angry at and anyone I hate, it's myself. I feel a deep sense of regret and subconscious self-loathing because I feel personally responsible for destroying our relationship. I didn't take care of myself the way I should have when I was depressed. I was angry with myself and wasn't happy with who I was, and that anger seeped through the cracks and she found herself, far too many times, the victim of the anger I had inside.

 

I'm not saying I'm a bad person or a bad boyfriend for being depressed. I'm saying the way I handled it, and some of the things I did and the ways I treated her when I was depressed were awful. I used to visit a notorious online image-board/forum. While they didn't always offer sensible or even remotely useful advice, they are brutally honest, and one of the things I learned from reading through other people's posts asking for relationship advice on there was to look at my situation from an outside, totally unbiased perspective. Essentially, I am able to look at my relationship with my ex, and truthfully and honestly be able to tell myself "well yeah, of course she left you, of course she grew detached and started growing an interest in other men. Why wouldn't she? You isolated yourself, neglected her, and ignored her, her wants, and her needs for a long time."

 

I'm not trying to run around with a self-defeatist attitude, I'm just being honest with myself. I'm not happy with the way I treated her when I was depressed, at all. I wanted so badly to be able to turn that around and give her the love and attention she deserved for so long. I was able to get over my depression at the end of last year and was doing really well, and I tried to channel the positive energy into fixing things, into making things right with her. I wanted so badly to be a good boyfriend for her, and for us to rekindle and strengthen our relationship together. But she had grown tired, and in a sense it was too late. She didn't have the energy and the motivation, she had given up on me. I can't say I blame her, but having that opportunity stripped away from me when I was finally getting over my depression absolutely shattered my momentum.

 

I'm back in a depressed rut. I've been trying to move forward. I've been eating more and exercising regularly. I gained 15 pounds in a month and am now, for the first time in my life, no longer technically considered underweight for my age/height. I've been spending time with friends, managed to temporarily attract the interest of another girl, and have been trying to do the same things I did the first time I crawled out of my depression. I'm even starting to read some self-help books. But I don't FEEL like I'm getting anywhere.

 

I considered my relationship with my ex the best thing I had going for me, and was able to use that as a foundation to improve other areas of my life. And it was working fantastically. That's now been stripped away, and I feel like I have no foundation. Nothing to build on. I'm constantly overwhelmed and never feel like I have enough time in the day. I'm constantly distracted, my mind is constantly swarming, my energy levels, motivation, and mental clarity are gone. I feel lost, like I'm flailing around, drowning, trying to keep my head above water while everyone around me is walking on solid ground going about their lives just fine. I'm getting so tired of feeling like it's a chore to be happy. Life itself feels like a chore. My life is a mess. My indecisiveness, perfectionist tendencies, and apparent ADD/ADHD destroy my productivity and my ability to get anything done. I feel emotionally flat-lined and mentally unstable.

 

Sorry for the long post, I guess I really needed to get that out. Might be time to print out this post and go hand it to a licensed therapist...

sounds like you wanna do it so do it .. Just don't say we didn't tell you so , she has moved on why would she care what your reason is ? It's only a ego boost to her at this point

[mightycpa]

maybe you could give her the TL;DR version.

 

I blocked you because I'm going to get over you and this is how I'm going to do it. No hard feelings. Goodbye.

[myxtchek]

My previous post wasn't intended to sound like a reason to go through with replying to her. I was just trying to let you guys into my head and in on what I'm going through.

 

However, I will admit that this entire concept of NC seems so heartless and inhuman. I understand the purpose, but it bothers me so much knowing that I'm essentially supposed to ignore her and then do everything in my power to erase her from my life and my memory, to pretend she doesn't exist. She was and still is a human being who played a very special and important part of my life for years, and I'm supposed to just turn around and ignore her and then act like I never knew her, like she doesn't exist? A huge part of the reason that she grew detached from me was BECAUSE I was ignoring her, her wants and her needs in our relationship, and here I am on a path of self-improvement, trying to become a better person and trying to forgive myself for ignoring her for so long, and step 1 is to completely ignore her?

 

I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this or where I'm wanting this to go. It just feels wrong. I feel like a bad person for ignoring her and going NC. I've had so many problems with self-loathing in the past and ignoring her is making me feel like a cold-hearted, inhuman @$$hole.

[wizer]

I'm constantly distracted, my mind is constantly swarming, my energy levels, motivation, and mental clarity are gone. I feel lost, like I'm flailing around, drowning, trying to keep my head above water while everyone around me is walking on solid ground going about their lives just fine. I'm getting so tired of feeling like it's a chore to be happy. Life itself feels like a chore. My life is a mess. My indecisiveness, perfectionist tendencies, and apparent ADD/ADHD destroy my productivity and my ability to get anything done. I feel emotionally flat-lined and mentally unstable.

 

Sorry for the long post, I guess I really needed to get that out. Might be time to print out this post and go hand it to a licensed therapist...

 

Good plan. You don't need the entire post, just the part I quoted above. That's more than enough information to get you on the right track with counseling and probably a good dose of antidepressants.

 

As far as the question in your post, if it makes you feel better go ahead and send it. Shorten it, lengthen it, doesn't matter, it's what you feel comfortable with that matters. You probably won't ever know her response to it, so it's all about how you feel.

[Satu]

I don't feel like a victim in the breakup. I see a lot of people who give advice on LS who say things more or less along the lines of "she left you and doesn't care about you, she threw you to the side and didn't take your feelings into consideration" etc etc. A kind of "f--- her, she's a mean, heartless person who you're far better off without" kind of mentality. And this isn't the way I feel at all.

 

 

No contact is about two things, and two things only:

 

 

1. It protects you from further hurt.

 

2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.

 

 

Thats all it is, and all it does.

[mightycpa]

No contact is about two things, and two things only:

 

 

1. It protects you from further hurt.

 

2. It allows you to heal without being distracted by the ex.

 

 

Thats all it is, and all it does.

 

So, to amplify this for your particular situation, let's go back to your original claim:

 

she had gotten into a relationship with someone else. It wasn't a surprise to me, and truthfully it didn't really bother me that much. I don't allow myself to think about it or about her in general, she doesn't consume my thoughts.

 

Yes, I'm heartbroken, and yes, her leaving for good has thrown me back into a depression, but truthfully speaking I don't think she or whatever she's currently doing has a DIRECT impact on my wellbeing. I believe I've accepted that it's over, and thus I don't seem to care what she's up to, but I think accepting that it's over is what has made it so hard for me.

You're all over the board on this. Her being with another guy doesn't bother you, yet you're heartbroken and depressed, presumably because she's not with you. Whether she's with some other guy or not is immaterial?

 

Then, you accept that it is over, and that's what makes you heartbroken.

 

So let's take you at your word for all of this. Then the question is:

 

Is contact with her or knowledge about her helpful, hurtful or neutral?

 

If helpful or neutral, then contact her as often as you like. No problem. If it's hurtful, then do the no contact thing and don't do it half-ass. You don't need to explain, or even worry about her feelings. You're not making her feel anything... all her feelings come from within, just like yours do. She's not making you feel bad, is she? You just feel bad because she's changed her mind about you. That is your problem. NC is meant to help you fix it. If she feels bad as a result of that, then that's her problem, and she'll need to find a way to cope without relying on your cooperation, just as NC doesn't rely on her cooperation. It relies on your resolve.

 

That's it. It's not heartless or rude or any of that. It's not necessarily forever either. It is a tool for you to use to become accustomed to the new reality she's imposed upon you. Once you are unaffected, there's no longer a need for it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Reread the other thread you started on this girl five months ago. You were a completely trainwreck and making no sense. If you'd rather go back to that because you have some ill-conceived notion that No Contact is "cruel", then best of luck because you're going to need it.

 

No Contact isn't cruel. It's not meant to punish. It's for you to get your s--t together and move forward as a person. I mean, you were an absolute disaster five months ago -- do you really want to repeat that?

[theredpill]

You're way too focussed on her, when instead you should be focussing on becoming the best version of you. Seriously, go spend times with your friends do fun stuff, talk to other women - it works wonders to lighten your mood.

 

 

She doesn't want you in her life romantically, it's your decision not to have her in your life as a friend. Set your boundaries, stick to them - you owe her nothing at this point, you're just rationalising she'll think better of you and she won't, she'll just think good job I got rid of this dude who won't leave me alone.

 

 

Sometimes it's better to just walk away, head held high and think hey it's their loss.

[myxtchek]

You're way too focussed on her, when instead you should be focussing on becoming the best version of you. Seriously, go spend times with your friends do fun stuff, talk to other women - it works wonders to lighten your mood.

 

I'm trying, but it's feeling more and more difficult every day. I do spend time with friends and do things that most people would consider fun, but I don't end up enjoying myself. I feel like I'm wasting my time because I should be doing something more productive, something to better myself. I feel guilty when I spend time with friends. Probably because I don't feel like I deserve it. I don't work hard enough to deserve time off/to relax. I have other, more important and beneficial things I could be doing with my time.

 

Here's a slur of questions that are racing through my mind:

 

First, what do you do when you're unhappy with yourself, who you are/were, and the way you acted and treated someone you loved when you were depressed? What do you when you're not mad at her or upset at her for leaving, but mad and upset at yourself for causing her to leave? How do you forgive yourself for treating someone you claimed to love, someone who loved you so deeply, like they meant so little to you and were nothing more than a convenience? How do you forgive yourself for making them cry and feel alone, cold, and unloved?

 

And second...how can I learn to love myself, be happy with who I am, and be proud of myself if I'm just not and have no reason to be? I'm unmotivated, depressed, lost, and my indecisiveness, attention problems, and perfectionist tendencies make my productivity levels literally embarrassing. You would cringe if you saw how little I was able to accomplish in a given amount of time, or how slowly I get things done and make decisions. I just don't feel accomplished or like I have very much to be proud of. Any input here?

[Satu]

“Neurosis is the way of avoiding nonbeing by avoiding being”

 

― Paul Tillich, The Courage to Be

 

 

What do you think that might mean?

 

.