Update + Complications

[54JA]

If you haven't read it, I recommend "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It's a book on depression. It has helped me immensely. It covers many of the symptoms of depressions, like procrastinating, guilt, perfectionism, self-worth etc.

 

What I got from the book was that the depressed mind is very stubborn and has difficulty thinking clearly/realistically. One example from the book that may fits you right now might be the "emotional reasoning," which is the thinking that "I feel ______ (insert your descriptor like "lousy," "lazy," "worthless,") there for I am _____." But it's your depressed mind talking.

 

I know it will be great if we all could love ourselves/be proud of ourselves, but sometimes it's difficult. For now, why not just focusing on just being "OK" with yourself. That might be more realistic for you now.

[myxtchek]

“Neurosis is the way of avoiding nonbeing by avoiding being”

 

― Paul Tillich, The Courage to Be

 

 

What do you think that might mean?

 

.

I've never been very good at interpreting/understanding deep philosophical quotes like that. I tend to like things to be explained concretely.

 

If you haven't read it, I recommend "Feeling Good" by David Burns.

Looks like an interesting read, I'll add it to my list.

 

In other news, the ex texted me again asking about her "silver sequin prom dress" and whether or not I had it. This is now the third text I've ignored. The feelings of guilt are still there. Again, I'm on a path of self-improvement, trying to become a better person and here I am ignoring her the same way I did when we were in a relationship, which is a good part of the reason why she left in the first place. Do you guys really think a brief reply with a quick explanation would be a significant setback?

[mightycpa]

I've never been very good at interpreting/understanding deep philosophical quotes like that. I tend to like things to be explained concretely.

 

 

Looks like an interesting read, I'll add it to my list.

 

In other news, the ex texted me again asking about her "silver sequin prom dress" and whether or not I had it. This is now the third text I've ignored. The feelings of guilt are still there. Again, I'm on a path of self-improvement, trying to become a better person and here I am ignoring her the same way I did when we were in a relationship, which is a good part of the reason why she left in the first place. Do you guys really think a brief reply with a quick explanation would be a significant setback?

How is it that you're even receiving these messages? You might want to text back

 

Your message could not be delivered to Verizon subscriber 1-xxx-xxx-xxxx. Msg# SMS97544

 

or, you could block it for real.

 

If you're hanging on to anything of hers, send it back via 3rd party, without having to be asked. If/once you have done that.... what else is there?

 

You've already gotten the death sentence for ignoring her. Why bother to make it better now? It's too late. Move on.

[Simon Phoenix]

I've never been very good at interpreting/understanding deep philosophical quotes like that. I tend to like things to be explained concretely.

 

 

Looks like an interesting read, I'll add it to my list.

 

In other news, the ex texted me again asking about her "silver sequin prom dress" and whether or not I had it. This is now the third text I've ignored. The feelings of guilt are still there. Again, I'm on a path of self-improvement, trying to become a better person and here I am ignoring her the same way I did when we were in a relationship, which is a good part of the reason why she left in the first place. Do you guys really think a brief reply with a quick explanation would be a significant setback?

 

Yes, it would be bad. And if you have the dress, just send it back. If not, there's nothing to respond to. And you should block the number.

[Ariess10]

Hahaha I gave all my exes stuff tot he rescuse mission , someone is gonna get some really nice stuff .. I know it prob wasn't the best idea but at the time it's how I felt and have no regrets

[54JA]

If you are not sure whether responding to her text would be a setback, I would suggest you be safe than sorry and not respond for now. I do like the suggestions by others about going through your home and sending/mailing her all of her belongings.

 

It seems you are really having a hard time with the sense of guilt associated with ignoring her. My take on this as an (objective?) outsider is that, when two people enter into a romantic relationship, they do so at the risk of ruining (temporarily or forever) the existing form of relationship, whether it be friendship or professional working relationship. While not everyone thinks about this risk, nor enter into a romantic relationship with the explicit understanding of this risk, the truth is, once they accept the benefits of a romantic relationship (all the goodness that comes with it), it is often too late to turn back. It's like when people say once you cross that line (like a kiss or sex), there is no turning back. The relationship is changed temporarily or forever (at least for those people who care about each other). You can think back to the moment when the nature of your previous relationship with your ex changed (e.g., from platonic to romantic). At that moment, whether you like it or not, you and your ex accepted that risk (which is no longer a risk, but a reality for you at this point). To minimize the risk, couples do everything they can to make the relationship work. When you can't make it work, you have to accept the consequences. I guess what I am trying to say is that, your ex is a big girl, and it is not unreasonable for you to expect her to accept the consequence of her decisions (both entering into a relationship with you and ending it). Being ignored by her ex boyfriend/not being heard is part of that consequence. This was a potential risk she was willing to take when she decided to explore what it would be like to be your girlfriend. The pain you are feeling right now, the pain of realizing that you couldn't do everything that was required, that you hurt her, and that there is nothing you can do about it, is also part of the consequence, the risk which you were willing to take. This would be one reason why you don't have to feel guilty (which is not the same thing as reflecting and learning from it) for doing what's necessary for you to move on. (I'm sorry I feel like I am not being very clear here).

 

Like someone said, NC does not have to be forever. There will be one day you can reach out to her and say everything you want to say. If she is a good, loving person as you described, she will listen to what you have to say when the time is right. I think it's more important for you to focus on treating your depression, and like someone said, becoming the best version of you, than to focus on explaining yourself to her. I think your message to her will be more meaningful to her if you wait until you are better because then, she can honestly accept it as a genuine apology and appreciation for everything she's done for you as a person, and not a ploy to get her back.

[Simon Phoenix]

Also, you spent several months not in No Contact communicating with her and trying to coerce her into coming back. And that communication didn't exactly do anything but make you more confused and scattered. So no, you communicating with her won't have any positive effect on her wanting to be with you and will have the very negative effect of keeping you in the post-breakup funk.

[myxtchek]

If you are not sure whether responding to her text would be a setback, I would suggest you be safe than sorry and not respond for now. I do like the suggestions by others about going through your home and sending/mailing her all of her belongings.

 

It seems you are really having a hard time with the sense of guilt associated with ignoring her. My take on this as an (objective?) outsider is that, when two people enter into a romantic relationship, they do so at the risk of ruining (temporarily or forever) the existing form of relationship, whether it be friendship or professional working relationship. While not everyone thinks about this risk, nor enter into a romantic relationship with the explicit understanding of this risk, the truth is, once they accept the benefits of a romantic relationship (all the goodness that comes with it), it is often too late to turn back. It's like when people say once you cross that line (like a kiss or sex), there is no turning back. The relationship is changed temporarily or forever (at least for those people who care about each other). You can think back to the moment when the nature of your previous relationship with your ex changed (e.g., from platonic to romantic). At that moment, whether you like it or not, you and your ex accepted that risk (which is no longer a risk, but a reality for you at this point). To minimize the risk, couples do everything they can to make the relationship work. When you can't make it work, you have to accept the consequences. I guess what I am trying to say is that, your ex is a big girl, and it is not unreasonable for you to expect her to accept the consequence of her decisions (both entering into a relationship with you and ending it). Being ignored by her ex boyfriend/not being heard is part of that consequence. This was a potential risk she was willing to take when she decided to explore what it would be like to be your girlfriend. The pain you are feeling right now, the pain of realizing that you couldn't do everything that was required, that you hurt her, and that there is nothing you can do about it, is also part of the consequence, the risk which you were willing to take. This would be one reason why you don't have to feel guilty (which is not the same thing as reflecting and learning from it) for doing what's necessary for you to move on. (I'm sorry I feel like I am not being very clear here).

 

Like someone said, NC does not have to be forever. There will be one day you can reach out to her and say everything you want to say. If she is a good, loving person as you described, she will listen to what you have to say when the time is right. I think it's more important for you to focus on treating your depression, and like someone said, becoming the best version of you, than to focus on explaining yourself to her. I think your message to her will be more meaningful to her if you wait until you are better because then, she can honestly accept it as a genuine apology and appreciation for everything she's done for you as a person, and not a ploy to get her back.

 

Thank you 54JA, that was actually incredibly insightful and really put things into perspective.

 

I still haven't responded, and as to why I'm able to receive these messages, I've blocked her on everything except my phone. Part of it is because I don't know how and don't want to go through the trouble of figuring it out, and the other part is that I at least want to know if she's trying to message me for whatever reason.

 

I've read through the NC guide a couple times and I guess I would want to know if she ever sent a text saying she was sorry for everything that happened the last six to eight months that we were together. I'll stick with NC and continue ignoring the breadcrumbs to the best of my ability, but if she sends something more meaningful than that, I'd like to know. I don't know how text blocking works and whether or not she'd receive an automated reply telling her that I had blocked her number, but if not, I don't want some genuine, heartfelt message being sent that I never know about and that she thinks I just flat out ignored.

 

In other news, she (my ex) called my mom this morning asking about the same dress. My mom asked me about the dress, checked my closet for good measure, and then called her back and told her I didn't have it. She also informed me that my ex said she had tried to contact me but that I had blocked her on all social media and was ignoring her calls/texts. Come to think of it, even if I had the dress I probably would have followed in Ariess10's footsteps and given it away. Not a chance in hell I'd give her back a dress that she's gonna wear to impress anyone but me, especially when it's the dress she wore to a prom that we went to as a couple!

[myxtchek]

Oh LS, you've been so good to me.

 

I come to you tonight with two concerns.

 

#1) A guy who's in my circle of friends had a particularly nasty breakup with his ex. She ended up talking to, hanging out, sleeping with, and then dating his best friend. He was traumatized and had a REALLY tough time coping. He would get angry and leave social gatherings, punch walls, and storm away upset. One time this happened I chased after him and went with him back to his apartment where he ended up getting a LOT of stuff off his chest and venting to me. I listened, understood, and offered advice, sharing personal experiences of my own.

 

Currently, this same guy has "a thing" with my ex's best friend. Last week MY best friend told me that he ran into the three of them (my ex, her best friend, and the aforementioned guy) at a local bar, they were together. This has kind of thrown a very awkward wrench in my social circle. My ex texted one of my friends asking if it was ok for her and her best friend to show up to parties at his house since her best friend has a thing with the guy who's in our friend group. My friend didn't respond, but I'm starting to get this feeling that I'm going to end up running into my ex far more than I would ever have to because of this, and/or I'll end up in situations where I'll have no choice but to be around her and in her presence if I want to hang out with MY friends.

 

This situation not only sucks because now my chances of running into her have increased drastically, but I also feel betrayed by this guy in our friend group because we were all there for him when he was going through his breakup, and none of us went and hung out with his ex or brought her around. None of us put him in a situation where he had no choice but to be around his ex if he wanted to spend time with us, and now he's putting me in that exact situation.

 

I guess I'm wondering how you all would suggest I handle this situation, and whether or not I should say something to him.

 

2) Tonight my ex, for the 5th time, messaged me. I've been keeping up with NC for a month and a half. I know that doesn't sound long but for me I'm amazed that I've been able to keep up with it this long. It feels like a real accomplishment. Anyhow, this time she texted me a slur of questions all relating to more or less "why didn't you do this? why did you this? why didn't you try and why weren't you there for me?"

 

Everything she's texted me before has seemed like breadcrumbs, meaningless texts that have nothing to do with our relationship and were more or less just trying to maintain contact with me. This doesn't feel like breadcrumbs. I'm wondering why she's asking me these questions. In my mind she's been doing fine. She's had a boyfriend (LDR), and my impression was that she's been better off without me. Maybe she's just lonely because the guy she's dating is long distance and she never gets to see him in person?

 

Do I message her back and give her an honest, non-sappy, non-emotional, strictly matter of fact answer? Or do I stick with NC?

[myxtchek]

As for my update, things have been going fairly well. I've been working a lot more than I'm used to. I've been back at my parents house for the summer but I'm moving to go back to school soon. I've had a great time working this summer. It's been tough but my coworkers have been amazing, I've gotten along with most of them and I've developed a really good relationship with a handful of them (some guys/some girls). One of them is a girl, a couple years older than me, married with kids, and she's been like a mother to me since I started working there this summer. When I said goodbye to her today we both almost cried.

 

I've gotten into therapy for my depression, and I really like my therapist. He's really easy to talk to, I just hate how expensive it is and I wish I had more time to talk, because my god there's a lot to talk about.

 

I've been exercising (lifting weights), and I've stuck with a routine consistently for two or three months now. I've been slacking on my calorie intake but that's just because I've gotten tired of eating the same stuff all the time, and I'm not that great of a cook. I've put on roughly 15-20 pounds since summer started, and I'm no longer technically considered underweight (hooray!).

 

Socially, besides connecting so well with my coworkers, I've started going to meetup.com and going to meetup groups in the area. So far the two I've been to have more or less been disasters, but it was worth a try and I suppose they were both learning experiences. I'll probably try going to a few more before I decide it's a total flop.

 

Overall I'd say moving forward. I'm definitely not getting anywhere fast and it feels like a slow crawl, but at least I'm crawling in the right direction. Things could definitely be far worse, but I'm learning to appreciate the things I do have and I'm trying to be more positive in my thinking.

 

I have a LOOOOOOOONNNGGGG road of self-improvement ahead of me, but so far I seem to be moving in the right direction.

[Simon Phoenix]

Those are still breadcrumbs dude. Right now, everything but "I made a mistake and I want you back" are superfluous breadcrumbs. I'd suggest blocking her until healed and indifferent. You sound like you're making progress -- don't go screwing that up.

[myxtchek]

Why would she ever say that she made a mistake? I fully admit to being the one who made far too many mistakes for far too long. By the time I went back to correct them it was too late. I've accepted that. It sucks really bad and it's been hard to deal with, but I've accepted it.

 

And why would she want someone back who's just flat out ignoring her, which is a large part of the reason she left in the first place?

[Simon Phoenix]

Why would she ever say that she made a mistake? I fully admit to being the one who made far too many mistakes for far too long. By the time I went back to correct them it was too late. I've accepted that. It sucks really bad and it's been hard to deal with, but I've accepted it.

 

And why would she want someone back who's just flat out ignoring her, which is a large part of the reason she left in the first place?

 

Ok, rephrase the "mistake" part to "reconsider" and the point remains. As for the second part, come on dude. You chased after her for months and got nowhere, so obviously that was a terrible strategy. As for her not wanting you due to ignoring, it's not as if she's stopping trying to contact you is she? If anything, it seems like you not hovering and orbiting her like a puppy dog is making her more curious because you aren't acting like a lap dog.

 

That being said, the moment you respond to her crap you go right back into lap dog mode. You're still in recovery and making progress -- don't screw it up by going back to your foolish, clingy post-breakup ways. And she has a boyfriend anyway, so what could possibly be the point of being in contact? You have finally stopped trying to hover and manipulate the situation and, because of that, you're actually going up instead of down. Don't f--k that up due to backslide back into clingyness and plotting. Keep moving forward -- if what she wants is genuine, she'll make it known.

Edited August 15, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[candie13]

Ok, rephrase the "mistake" part to "reconsider" and the point remains. As for the second part, come on dude. You chased after her for months and got nowhere, so obviously that was a terrible strategy. As for her not wanting you due to ignoring, it's not as if she's stopping trying to contact you is she? If anything, it seems like you not hovering and orbiting her like a puppy dog is making her more curious because you aren't acting like a lap dog.

 

That being said, the moment you respond to her crap you go right back into lap dog mode. You're still in recovery and making progress -- don't screw it up by going back to your foolish, clingy post-breakup ways. And she has a boyfriend anyway, so what could possibly be the point of being in contact? You have finally stopped trying to hover and manipulate the situation and, because of that, you're actually going up instead of down. Don't f--k that up due to backslide back into clingyness and plotting. Keep moving forward -- if what she wants is genuine, she'll make it known.

 

I sort of agree with Simon on this one.

 

The questions she has are genuine and seem deep. You don't ask them over text, you ask permission to talk about that face to face. And if you see that the other person isn't willing to see you, then you start writing emails or texts, etc.

 

Indeed, she does not seem to want to get back to you. As a previous dumper myself, yes, it does seem that she has dumper's remorse. She is in her right to ask those questions, because she's going through a tough time. You are within your right to ignore her because getting back in contact with her will pull you down to ground zero back again.

 

Unless there's this huge misunderstanding that can be fixed and you two can go back together again, don't ever approach her. What's in the past belongs to the past. Cheers

[myxtchek]

Another update, another question:

 

I've continued trying to improve my life, but I'll admit that it's been difficult. The things I WANT to focus on and feel like would really help me the most (like exercising, gaining weight/muscle, socializing, meeting girls, having fun, DJing and producing music) are becoming harder and harder to find time for. I'm caught up between wanting to do those things and having to keep up with schoolwork (which I've been slacking on pretty hard lately). School doesn't feel like a priority to me right now. I understand grades are important but I really want to get my sh-t together and become happy.

 

As for stuff with the ex, yes I still think about her. I've accepted that it's over between us and that even if she wasn't dating someone there's little to no chance that things would ever work out between us. But I don't hate her. I still love her, and even after seeing a therapist over the summer and learning to look at the situation from a more positive perspective, the deeply rooted acceptance that I was responsible for losing an amazing girlfriend who I could have seen myself spending the rest of my life with haunts me on a subconscious level every day. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, no matter what I'm doing, how busy I am, how happy or not happy I am, or who I'm with.

 

I feel like I'll never really completely get over her until I find another girl as beautiful and amazing as her who loves me the way she did, and I don't feel like that's going to happen any time soon given the position I'm in. I'm still a long ways away from being the best me I can possibly be.

 

In other news, I've been sticking with the NC very well. She messaged me 5 times intermittently over the course of a month or two with no response from me. After her last message I "caved in" and replied. We exchanged a handful of messages about why we broke up and why I acted the way I did and that was it. Since then I haven't heard from her and I haven't messaged her.

 

One of the texts I sent her had a picture attached to it of a wall decoration I saw at a local store with a quote on it that I know she's really fond of. It's actually a cute/cheesy song/rhyme that we used to sing to one another so it has a pretty strong connection to our relationship. She asked where I had seen it because she wanted to go buy it. I didn't reply, and ended up going and purchasing it myself.

 

I'm going out of town a couple days before her birthday and I've been thinking about having a friend drop it off, perhaps with a card and one or two other small things to put a smile on her face and brighten her day on her birthday. Dangerous territory? Perhaps. Could I see myself being friends with her and being okay with that? Actually, yes. We had a lot of fun together in our relationship, and I actually enjoyed the non-romantic/non-sexual aspects of our relationship more than anything. Cooking together, joking around, being weird, talking, grocery shopping together, etc. Just having someone so close who loves you so much that you can do everything with. God I miss that.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Specifically regarding:

A) Managing depression when the time commitment for school is getting in the way of the things that make me the happiest. When I do these things, however, I slack in school and end up feeling guilty/depressed.

 

B) Sending her a birthday gift.

 

C) Being friends with her. Actually seems plausible to me. I'd rather be good friends or at least on good terms than stick with trying to ignore her existence, which my brain apparently won't let me do anyways.

 

D) The feelings of loneliness

 

E) The fact that literally no matter what there's not a single day that goes by where I don't think of her at least once. I'm not even actively thinking about her, my brain does it on its own. I hate it.

 

F) How do I handle the deeply rooted feelings of guilt and responsibility for losing someone so amazing that loved me so much for so long? This seems to be the most difficult part, by far.

[Mrlovahlovah]

hey there myxt, some of my thoughts:

 

I can definitely relate to the fragile balancing that needs to be done between getting your school **** together and getting better and starting to enjoy life again. those don't necessarily go well together, unless you were super highly motivated to begin with to ace your studies.

 

my breakup happened at the very beginning of exam season (two months ago approx.) and it was terrible let me tell you that. i have hard time focusing when studying to begin with, so having the BU thoughts running through my mind simultaneously resulted in a complete disaster. but you know what? you got that one right. school is important but your well being is far more vital. so as long as you're not just making excuses to slack- **** school and do stuff that makes you happy and feel like your regaining a sense of purpose in life.even at the cost of a "lost" semester.

 

as for the sense of responsibility you are feeling. i'm gonna start off by saying something that may be entirely inaccurate, but nevertheless: going through your posts from day one, and you yourself admitting to depression,introversion and obviously some problems with self-esteem, i'm gonna go and say that i believe you might be holding yourself accountable for the breakup more than you actually are. i can see how taking the full blame is convenient in a very sort of twisted way, because it makes you think that if you were the one to break it, you hold the power to piece it back together. the description of your girlfriend here does seem to be one of a reasonable and rational human being, but it does seem to me like she was maybe a wee too keen on throwing all the blame at you. you haven't really elaborated here on what and how she tried to help you with your depression, but i believe someone who really cares and loves you would've gone far and wide to try and help. as hard as it is dealing with a depressed person.

 

i'm not saying your depression didn't play a part, and honestly none of us probably would be able to figure that out from your naturally biased posts, but i'm just saying, run that thought through your head a couple of times.

 

that being said, let's pretend you are fully responsible for the breakup.

**** HAPPENS dude! this is the essence of human life, with all its absurdities. bad and good. timing sometimes makes a huge difference. but there's no going back. so look yourself in the mirror, understand that the guy you are looking at was capable of winning over a girl he considers to be "perfect" for him, but his mechanics are still not fine-tuned. and that's BEAUTIFUL. you've gained experience, you've evolved as a person and as a partner. this was your first real RS right? only a few of us on this planet can boast a record of a full and happy life with our "high school sweetheart" and you are no different! you were (and still are i'm guessing) an introverted person who probably never thought he'll find someone. but you did. and no one can take that realisation away brother.

 

okay, as for your questions:

a) just don't stress about it!no matter what people around you are saying (family, friends etc), do what feels right and don't force yourself to a depressing routine, until you;ve got your **** fairly back together and feeling motivated to kick some academy ass.

b,c) nope mate, no. i understand where you are coming from, and it's just your mind playing tricks on you. you WILL NOT be fine being her friend. you WILL NOT be fine hearing about her boyfriend and love life, definitely not untill you've put aside all regret you have regarding your RS.

and DEFINTLEY don't buy her any birthday gift. a big pile of NC is all she is going to get from you.

d)aye, these are tough. there's little that can replace the void of that comforting intimacy you share with a significant other, especially when it's fresh and you haven't been alone for a long time. do stuff that give you sense of purpose. i've found book to be a great retreat. reading up lots of philosophers i never had the time to. if music is your hobby then yeah, mix that ****. find friends you can share your deep feelings with. don't be afraid to let your guard down.

 

 

good luck and hope to hear you are doing better soon!

[Eighty_nine]

Ok, well, you probably shouldn't have replied to any of her messages nor sent her the picture of the decoration. This just confirmed to her that she has you in her palm again. But I understand why you did after continuing to hear from her. Just do NOT give her a birthday gift. It's not a good idea.

[myxtchek]

Thank you Mrlovahlovah, I really appreciate the thorough response.

 

I've spent a fair amount of time looking at the situation objectively, and I don't think there's much bias to it. I think the only thing she could have done differently would be to say something to my friends/family to get them involved. She did her part and was met with resistance. I truthfully believe and willingly admit that I was a horrible boyfriend as a result of my depression.

 

So look yourself in the mirror, understand that the guy you are looking at was capable of winning over a girl he considers to be "perfect" for him, but his mechanics are still not fine-tuned. and that's BEAUTIFUL. you've gained experience, you've evolved as a person and as a partner.

 

This is something my therapist did a good job of helping me see. However, regardless of the fact that I've gained experience, evolved as a person and a partner, and learned a lesson, it's an earth-shattering and painful lesson to learn because the result was that I lost her (seemingly forever). I learned the lessons I needed to learn months before we broke up, but she had already detached herself at that point. It's hard to see the lesson I learned as a victory when I learned the lesson while we were still together and then lost her anyways.

 

nope mate, no. i understand where you are coming from, and it's just your mind playing tricks on you. you WILL NOT be fine being her friend. you WILL NOT be fine hearing about her boyfriend and love life, definitely not untill you've put aside all regret you have regarding your RS.

 

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put aside the regret. At least until I find another beautiful girl who loves me like she did (which I doubt will be anytime soon). Like I said, my subconscious mind pushes her to the surface of my thoughts literally every day, and it's ALWAYS accompanied with feelings of guilt and regret. I always try to ignore them and distract myself, but they're always there with at least some magnitude, for at least a brief portion of my day.

 

As for the friends thing, it just seems plausible given the situation. She would know that I wouldn't want to hear about her boyfriend and if it bothered me she would know right away (either by being able to tell herself or by me saying something). Nothing to make a big deal out of, just not something I'm interested in hearing. Also, her current boyfriend is in the army and last I heard he's more than 3,000 miles away.

[myxtchek]

Ok, well, you probably shouldn't have replied to any of her messages nor sent her the picture of the decoration. This just confirmed to her that she has you in her palm again. But I understand why you did after continuing to hear from her. Just do NOT give her a birthday gift. It's not a good idea.

 

You make it sound as though she's being manipulative. I don't think she's sitting there thinking "Oh ok good, the leash is long but he's still on it." I ignored her breadcrumbs on five separate occasions over the course of two months, broke NC and exchanged maybe 20 texts over the course of a day, and haven't had any contact for the last month.

 

On the other hand, I suppose if I did send her a birthday gift THAT might make it seem as though she has me in her palm, and it would certainly be interesting to see if I got another text after sticking with NC for her birthday. Maybe she expects me (at the very least) to wish her a happy birthday? I'd be interested to know if it would phase her at all for me to say/do absolutely nothing.

[jasxo]

This is exactly my situation except I'm a female and pushed my incredible boyfriend away because of how horribly I acted when I was depressed... I've learned from my mistakes but that feeling of regret still affects me. I was solely responsible and it's so tough to know I may never find that type of love again. Hopefully the feelings we have will subside eventually. I don't have any advice to offer but I just want you to know you're not alone with this feeling. Take care

[Mrlovahlovah]

Thank you Mrlovahlovah, I really appreciate the thorough response.

 

This is something my therapist did a good job of helping me see. However, regardless of the fact that I've gained experience, evolved as a person and a partner, and learned a lesson, it's an earth-shattering and painful lesson to learn because the result was that I lost her (seemingly forever). I learned the lessons I needed to learn months before we broke up, but she had already detached herself at that point. It's hard to see the lesson I learned as a victory when I learned the lesson while we were still together and then lost her anyways.

 

 

 

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put aside the regret. At least until I find another beautiful girl who loves me like she did (which I doubt will be anytime soon). Like I said, my subconscious mind pushes her to the surface of my thoughts literally every day, and it's ALWAYS accompanied with feelings of guilt and regret. I always try to ignore them and distract myself, but they're always there with at least some magnitude, for at least a brief portion of my day.

 

As for the friends thing, it just seems plausible given the situation. She would know that I wouldn't want to hear about her boyfriend and if it bothered me she would know right away (either by being able to tell herself or by me saying something). Nothing to make a big deal out of, just not something I'm interested in hearing. Also, her current boyfriend is in the army and last I heard he's more than 3,000 miles away.

 

again, i'm sticking to your narrative...you ****ed up man. big time.

but you know what? you are not a bad person. and your depression isn't the real you. we all **** up at least once in life. if it's a career mistake, mistreating our family or some love interest. heck, although i'm fairly sure my ex was far more responsible for the decay of our relationship i still hold myself responsible at times for what happened. thinking "what if we met now?" "what if i had more significant relationships before i met her?". these are natural thoughts and aren't that easy brushing off. that beind said, there's just no use beating yourself up with them for too long. add this pain and lesson to your resume and embrace the new,more mature myxt, who when time comes and the feelings subsided, will be readier than ever to meet his wife to be and treat her well.

and you will.

 

as for the friendship thing, i highly advise against it, as you're obviously not over her entirely and being in contact with her might rekindle your feeling even more.given that she had more time to get over you and your lost relationship i'm guessing there's a slim chance she will feel the same about you again hence taking you back to stage one. not worth the risk.

[myxtchek]

This is exactly my situation except I'm a female and pushed my incredible boyfriend away because of how horribly I acted when I was depressed... I've learned from my mistakes but that feeling of regret still affects me. I was solely responsible and it's so tough to know I may never find that type of love again. Hopefully the feelings we have will subside eventually. I don't have any advice to offer but I just want you to know you're not alone with this feeling. Take care

 

Thank you jasxo, that means a lot more than you might think. I feel like a lot of the posts/advice on here are written with the assumption that the dumper isn't the right person for you or that there's always someone better out there. Maybe everyone's just trying to be nice but I'm a firm believer in the fact that A) it takes two people to MAKE a relationship, but B) it only takes one to f--- it all up. I've never felt nor believed that there's someone better out there for me.

 

I've skimmed through some of your posts and seen you throw around the word "perfect" quite a bit. No one is perfect, but I feel like some people are so genuinely loving and caring that they can certainly come close. People like you and I are putting our ex's up on a pedestal, which is bad for our mental health, but we believe that they deserve to be up on that pedestal. You, like me, probably believe that we'll never find someone better. But one of the biggest problems in my life that contributes to my depression is perfectionism. The way I'm trying to overcome this perfectionism is to realize that at some point it, whatever it may be, is simply "good enough."

 

So here's what I'm going for. Our exes may have been so close to perfect that we can round up, but guess what? We got to be in a serious, committed, loving relationship with someone we considered perfect. It's an honor to have even had that experience and the opportunity to be with someone like that. But why do we feel like we won't find someone better? Why are they the only one? "Because they were so nice to me, so good to me, so selfless and loving and caring. So sweet, funny, cute, adorable. And on and on and on."

 

I think we need to realize that a lot of the things we loved "about our ex" are really things that we loved "about being in a relationship with our ex". Things that were a result of spending more and more time together as our relationships grew stronger. It wasn't just the person, it was the process, the adventure of the relationship. I imagine that somewhere along the line, we'll meet someone and quickly discover how fascinating, incredible, and sexy they are. And they'll be thinking the exact same thing, and we'll know because of the way they look at us, with a smile on their face and a sparkle in their eyes. We'll smile back, our heart will beat harder and faster, and we'll feel all warm and cozy inside. And even if we come to discover that this new person falls a few points short of our ex on a scale of 1 to 100, are we really going to care?

 

No, because by then we damn well better have learned to appreciate the people we love. We'll have learned to take care of ourselves and our depression, to seek the help we need, to improve, to love, and to succeed in being the boyfriend/girlfriend we wish we could have been to our ex. We wish we could go back, but we can't. So let's stop looking back at the past, the impossible. Let's gaze into the future, where the possibilities are endless. If someone loved us as much as they did when we were at our worst, imagine how much someone will love us after weeks, months, YEARS of improvement. My god, our exes must have been insane to have loved us the way they did. But some lucky someone, somewhere out there, is going to have the opportunity to love an even better, more attractive, smarter, wiser, more experienced version of us.

 

You're not alone either jasxo. I have no idea who you are. I have no idea what you look like or what you sound like. I hardly know anything about you. But I know that I've been struggling with loneliness, and tonight, you've made me feel like I'm not alone at all. And for that, I love you. In the way one stranger going through hell can love another who's going through the same hell. Your ex may not love you anymore, and that might make you feel like you aren't loved at all. But that's wrong. You are. Carry the love of a stranger on the internet around with you. If I can fill even a fraction of the void that your ex has left inside you then I'll be happy. We ARE going to meet other interesting, fun, loving, caring, and genuine people. Sometime, somewhere, one of those people is going to fall for us. And it's up to us to catch them. Will we be ready? We've loved. We've learned. We've grown. So yes, when the time comes, we'll be ready.

[myxtchek]

Point well taken, thanks again Mrlovahlovah.

[jasxo]

Wow your response touched me more than you'll ever know Myxtchek. I cried for about 10 minutes after reading it because I've been silently hating myself and this is the first time that someone understands exactly what I'm going through... Thanks for offering a bit of comfort in this hard time. Like you said, everyone keeps telling me "he just wasn't right for you" but how could that be true? What is there exactly that isn't right about him? I have no way to justify it at all and that's what haunts me.

 

Although it may be true that I miss being in a relationship, I do really miss him at it's core. I've never met such a kind-hearted human being before. Even though I wasn't mentally healthy, he always found ways to give me a ray of hope and inspiration every day. I hold that so dearly to my heart and wish I could repay him. I've been thinking of sending him an apology letter but I've held off from doing that because I want to respect his space.

 

The good thing is I've never done so much reflective introspection in my life and if it weren't for him leaving, I may have never done it. Along the way, I've realized my reactions towards my ex had a basis in my childhood. My father is a very invalidating, dismissive, verbally abusive and controlling man and has treated me that way my whole life. My depression brought out a side of me I hated... A side of me that is just like my dad. I know how much I dislike being in my father's presence so the idea that my ex felt that way in my presence makes me want to throw up. I never want to behave that way again and this has been such an eye-opening experience for me. I'm beyond committed to becoming healthier and stronger. Mostly everyone on this site and elsewhere say "people don't really change so second chances are pointless" and it's discouraging because some of us do. I know my ex probably has this same mindset so there's no use trying to show him because he'll find it manipulative or fake. This all makes me feel hopeless.

 

Hopefully you're right and we do find a special someone. I have this weird fear that even if I'm healthy in my next relationship, I'll still be abandoned for another reason. This will have to be something else I work on in therapy. Love terrifies me sometimes. Thanks so much again for your response. I'm proud of you that you've come this far in your journey of self improvement. When I write in my diary before bed I'll be sure to mention the special stranger that made me feel a bit better. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Edited September 23, 2015 by jasxo