is it me or her?

[monkeyshaman]

(hello again loveshack peoples, I could really use an outside opinion or 7)

 

Ok I will try to be as unbiased as possible as well as short.

 

Me and my ex were together for about 2.5 years. Shes 8 yrs younger then I at 25 (seems to be playing a big part). Shes very affectionate, great cook, loves spicy stuff, traveling, animals, similar tv show interest, great sex life and a whole lot more. But, she is very insecure, very very insecure.

 

From the beginning of the relationship she would always accuse me of cheating. Usually with my ex or basically any girl I look at for 5 seconds or have a conversation with. For the first three months or so this led me to think that she was cheating (why else would she accuse me so much, maybe shes doing it). So we would fight.

 

But I did not want to fight about it anymore so I just started trusting her and went on with my career and other things that were important to me, and let her to battle her demons.

 

So I began to see a pattern where there would be a challenge in her life she would get really insecure and need to find attention. Some from me and some usually from a guy "friend" that would appear (old classmate, work, ex interested guy) around this time. They almost always end up liking her and really boost her ego. Then she would get jealous and mad thinking I was doing the same. We fight and then she would quit talking to them and everything would be awesome again. But of course a new challenge in life and it happens over and over (I get a big job (get busy), She fails a test, she has a cheating dream) Maybe once every 3 months or so.

 

So about 3-4 months ago she did it again and threatened to break up with me because of me being busy with work (no attention) I said "fine". She tried to pretend it never happened the next morning but I told her she needs to work on her attention/insecurity issues and I need to work on my issues. She agreed to the space and we separated.

 

A few months go by and she started trying to get close to me again. I did not hear of any fooling with the other guys or even seeing anyone else. And unless she was very very sneaky (enough people in enough places that I know would tell me) that's most likely true. So we start messing around again and hanging out all the time.

 

But as usual, I get a big project so I am real busy and then she gets a new job. And of course what does she do right when she gets a new job, find a new friend. They flirt (at this point we aren't official sooo take that into account too) and then she comes home and sleeps with me. If I say anything its the same old "stop trying to control me" I'm not doing anything, your being jealous.

 

She says constantly she wants to marry me, have a kid with me and move away with me. We look at places make plans all that stuff. But then every struggle, there she is feeding her abandonment/insecurity issues with some random guy for a few days or weeks. Then shes back up and on me like glue to marry her.

 

If she did not go through this whole attention thing then it would be perfect.

 

But my question is, Am I the one being overly jealous? Does she just make guys friends easier who usually end up liking her (shes very pretty and bubbly), or is she just using that as an excuse to get the attention she needs when she needs it instead of dealing with an issue.

 

I feel like if this is my own jealousy then I can handle and have no problem investigating my own shortcomings and addressing them. But if she is just crossing the line and making excuses for it then I gotta go. Like I said we have been broken up a while and this last even't just happened (new best guy friend at work). I really do love her and would love to get married, but I just think with this she is wrong (goes to guys to feed her need for attention/ fear of abandonment) and she thinks I am wrong (girls can have guy friends and they just end up liking them sometimes and I need to not be jealous).

 

Like I said I think an outside view would really help. Thanks so much.

[La.Primavera]

It sounds like you are both jealous. Getting married at this point would be a terrible idea considering nothing has changed or been resolved with your relationship issues. If neither of you are willing to address these issues it will continue to bring you down, and it will only get worse when your married.

 

At this point I think you need to figure out if and how you can fix your relationship. Don't use marriage as a bandage for your relationship, it will only cause more problems in the long run.

[monkeyshaman]

Thanks LA .Oh I definitely was not going to get married right into this thing. I am wondering at this point whether I should go back out of it or try to work it out. But the advice on handling our own individual jealousy thing before that point is good. I didn't think to consider we are both wrong so not matter what way it goes I should be working on that issue.

[xpaperxcutx]

It sounds like she has BPD and black and white thinking.

 

A relationship isn't just about her feelings, it is also about yours. If she doesnt stop flirting or whatever she does with these men, you will end up getting hurt.

[monkeyshaman]

I Just wanted to let people know that I don't think its going to work out with this girl. I love her deeply but our insecurities playing off each other are just too much to deal with. So I am just going to start pulling back and continue moving on with my life without her. There are things I need to work out and can't do it while being so wrapped up in her behaviors.

 

It really did help just to write it out and the small bit of advice I did get was simply reiterating what we said when we originally broke up. I am going to move on. Hopefully this can help someone somewhere down the road. Be well.

[monkeyshaman]

Thanks papercut,

Yeah I am feeling the same way. I have got to pull back so I can figure out why I put up with it for so long, I think. I thought she was going to try and get help for these things but she just went and quenched the issue rather then dealing with it. I can't live my life always wondering who the next guy will be the next time we fight. It inhibits my ability to be myself to much to be so afraid of loosing her all the time. Thank you though. Any message that is supporting my decision would be really grateful as I know I am going to be struggling for a while with the fact that it is really over.

[xpaperxcutx]

Thanks papercut,

Yeah I am feeling the same way. I have got to pull back so I can figure out why I put up with it for so long, I think. I thought she was going to try and get help for these things but she just went and quenched the issue rather then dealing with it. I can't live my life always wondering who the next guy will be the next time we fight. It inhibits my ability to be myself to much to be so afraid of loosing her all the time. Thank you though. Any message that is supporting my decision would be really grateful as I know I am going to be struggling for a while with the fact that it is really over.

 

You put up with her because you guys had amazing chemistry you thought that giving it some time, she will change for you.

 

She's 25, but she doesn't see how much she's hurting you. If you guys had talk wherein you expressed your feelings to the point that she's unwilling to see how much her actions are hurting you, then you MUST go on without her.

 

It's a little harsh, but a person who loves you will not act that way, or at least know and set boundaries with the opposite sex.

[monkeyshaman]

Thanks again,

Yeah when I was just browsing other peoples experiences that was one thing I heard a few times. That, if she cared at all, she wouldn't do it, just cause she was hurting me. But she would say I was just being Jealous and controlling. But I think the main reason it bothered me was, like you said, she did not know or try to set up enough boundaries with these guys. When it comes down to it, the attention was more important then anything it seemed, and I am not two people(one to pay attention to her and one for me). Its not harsh, its true. Now if I can only hold my ground and let this sinking feeling slowly fade away while she moves out of my life. I mean she said she wanted to work on her need for attention with a psych, but went and fell into the same pattern anyway. Got hit with a challenge and I was busy (still spent 2-3 hours with her a day at night) so she got herself a new feeder for the attention instead. Guhhh but it still sucks. Thanks though.

[xpaperxcutx]

Thanks again,

Yeah when I was just browsing other peoples experiences that was one thing I heard a few times. That, if she cared at all, she wouldn't do it, just cause she was hurting me. But she would say I was just being Jealous and controlling. But I think the main reason it bothered me was, like you said, she did not know or try to set up enough boundaries with these guys. When it comes down to it, the attention was more important then anything it seemed, and I am not two people(one to pay attention to her and one for me). Its not harsh, its true. Now if I can only hold my ground and let this sinking feeling slowly fade away while she moves out of my life. I mean she said she wanted to work on her need for attention with a psych, but went and fell into the same pattern anyway. Got hit with a challenge and I was busy (still spent 2-3 hours with her a day at night) so she got herself a new feeder for the attention instead. Guhhh but it still sucks. Thanks though.

 

You're her bf not her therapist. IF she really wants change then she needs to go see a psych.

 

You have a right to be jealous and angry that she only hangs out with guys.

[monkeyshaman]

Thats what I was thinking and why I tried to say that when we first broke up. She actually called a few times too, but it took to long for them to schedule her appointment so she bailed I'm guessing. To bad, she really had some amazing qualities.

[xpaperxcutx]

Thats what I was thinking and why I tried to say that when we first broke up. She actually called a few times too, but it took to long for them to schedule her appointment so she bailed I'm guessing. To bad, she really had some amazing qualities.

 

If in the future you guys cross paths again, then it might be possible to give her another chance. But in the meantime, let her see the errors of her ways so she can make a formidable change for herself.

 

Being with her now will only make you a crutch to her. Trust me, I know. Let her grow up and if in the future, she has changed, you can always give her a chance.

[monkeyshaman]

If in the future you guys cross paths again, then it might be possible to give her another chance. But in the meantime, let her see the errors of her ways so she can make a formidable change for herself.

 

Being with her now will only make you a crutch to her. Trust me, I know. Let her grow up and if in the future, she has changed, you can always give her a chance.

 

Yeah your right. Thanks for talking with me over this. It really helped to sort out how I was feeling and cleared my head of a lot of the confusion.

[La.Primavera]

I really think you need a space from her. This relationship has been very toxic and brought the worst out in both of you.

 

I admire the fact you are moving forward with your life. It is the right thing to do. Consider finding someone who has more to offer you than a few good qualities and endless amounts of drama and hurt. You deserve the whole package. Someone who makes you feel loved and appreciated, and brings out the best in you.

 

Take care.

Edited August 16, 2015 by La.Primavera

[monkeyshaman]

Thanks La.Primavera,

Those were some very kind words and do help out quite a bit. It is being quite difficult but every time I get my emotions in check I realize that it will never work as long as we are still dealing with these issues. All this emotional turmoil is pulling me out of life and is like you said, toxic. I just want to be happy and have someone who is happy with me. You take care as well.