can i trust my wife again, can we fix this?

[navaraman]

Not sure i can trust my wife now... .

Kudos to you if you can make it through this long story of my relationship and offer any advice id love to get some honest male and female input into this matter....

 

Well we have been together for 8 years of which i was quite happy for most of it except maybe the last 12 months, we used to love each other so much and always care for each other and show it.

we have been married for 6 years we started when i was 22 and she was 20, im now 30 and shes 28, she came from asia to live with me in australia after having a long distance relationship for a while, she had no friends and family here so she was a bit lonely and depressed at the start, but we spent most of our time together and at that time we both worked in the city together and went out occasionally with my friends and she made a few friends along the way but no really good friends untill after 2 years i went back to working in mining in a remote location on a 2 week on ,

 

1 week off roster, so untill now i dont really know most of her friends she has made in the last 4.5 years as we spend most of the time i have off mostly doing things together and she usually hangs with her friends when im out of town, so i rarely get to see how she reacts to guys etc when they flirt when shes out with her friends, but there was a time in 2013 we were in the club she went with her friend to dance i finished my drink and went in there to find a guy grinding against her ass, i told him to piss off and she “said” she didnt realise he was doing it (harmless i guess but not really what i believe a married woman should be doing).....,

 

anyway lets start from the beginning she once told me of a story before our relationship where a soccer player invited her to his room when she was very drunk and she went with him, then when she realised he was trying to have sex with her she managed to tell him no and get out of there, there was also another time, when we were drinking together when she got so drunk she couldn’t even recognise who i was and when i tucked her into bed she said who are you get away from me.... Also another time i was attending a friends funeral out of town and she accused me of seeing an ex while there (which i didnt) and she got so drunk she was on the phone to me rambling on about how she had met her american ex here in australia and she had been seeing him? (turns out she says she only saw him and had a chat with him and he sat and had a beer with her and her friends)

 

Anyway i had to get my sister to head there and make sure she was ok, as i was heading home right away but it was a 2hour drive she was a mess and had drunk several bottles of spirit and vomited everywhere and didnt know what was going on, that night she added all her exes on facebook and tried to talk with them. Another thing was at the start of our relationship for the first few months i found her emailing and in contact with exes and guys she has slept with in the past she had a call from one the first time we were in australia she says she didnt know who it was that her friend gave out her number but this guy was telling me she had sex with him at some stage, this all happened during our first few years of the relationship.

 

Anyway im a jealous type of guy and obviously i had some trust issues because of these things which made me a bit controlling to her and have trust issues when shes out drinking when im not around, i didnt like her hanging out at night/ clubs etc when im not there, didnt like her being close friends with guys or wearing revealing clothes, we shared all our passwords and each had an app called life 360 (which she suggested) so we can see where the other is at on our phone via gps, we had nothing to hide and we both agreed to doing this.

 

Well after some time she had some mental issues and depression and used to say when she was down that she was not happy in our relationship and she had threatened to cut herself a couple of times ( i think was more just to get attention)

Anyway she has always wanted to have a child and i havent been ready up until now, in 2012 she became pregnant and told me over the phone while i was working away for 2 weeks on nightshift, i was shocked, after thinking about it i said to her im happy to go either way whether we keep the baby or get an abortion i will be happy and support her either way.

 

She couldnt decide either and she asked what i would prefer to do and i said id prefer to wait until we were more financially stable and have our own house and can afford a better life for our child so she agreed.

 

So we got an abortion. Stupid thing is ( yeah i made a big mistake) the next day my friend came to town and she insisted it was fine to go out with him so i did, we went out drinking and went to a strip club, got home at about 4 the next morning and went to sleep, woke up and she had gone she had tracked where i had gone that night and was pissed off i left her straight after the abortion and went to the strip club ( even though 2 days before she said i dont mind if you go to strip clubs and she insisted I go out that night??) She said we were done and she wanted to leave me, well i managed to talk her out of leaving.

 

We would go on having arguments about not having kids, being too controlling and about the abortion ( which she now blames me for and has had thoughts about killing me for but couldnt because she loved me too much)

I said we would try for a baby next year in europe to calm down the arguments.

 

Well in europe the next year i felt i still wasnt ready as our relationship was always unstable having arguments over small things and dragging on about things in the past all the time and i wanted to travel a bit more before we did. Well she went ballistic and wanted to leave me because i couldnt give her a child when she wanted it. So we managed to not separate again on the condition she went out and did what she wanted and we lived like girlfriend boyfriend and so she went out partying living her young years instead of acting like a married woman and staying at home saving a lot, i thought fair enough.

 

Well the next year we bought a house and she started a new job, she made a new male friend at the new job who she chatted to on messages and phone i was a bit suspicious but anyway in April This year she went out to a food festival i was as usual working away on my 2 weeks on 1 week off roster , i called her before i slept and she said im a bit drunk but im heading home now.

Next morning i looked at life 360 to see what time she got home but saw she didn't go home but went to a house half an hour away then turned off location sharing at midnight so i could no longer see where she went.

 

I said in the morning what the heck was that did u cheat on me?

 

She said she went with that guy from work and a few of his friends to a house and smoked weed. She said she didnt cheat on me, she also broke a promise of not touching drugs. She said she did it because she wasnt happy in her marriage i was too jealous and controlling( about asking her not to wear revealing clothing and not hanging out one on one with guys and checking what shes up to when im away), and im not romantic enough and didnt compliment her enough ( i think i have been romantic, i do the occasional romantic thing like pick her flowers and regularly take her on fancy dinner dates leave rose petals on the bed and write her loving messages everyday, i devote all my spare time to spending it with her)

 

Anyway i came home straight away and we argued a bit and she said she wanted privacy and changed all her passwords and removed life 360 and after a few days moved out to stay with her friends to have a "break" for a while as we were arguing too much, well during this break she was drunk and told me a few things like that while we were in our first year of relationship she asked her female friend to use a vibrator on her and her friend said no so she masturbated in front of her friend anyway. Also that a french guy that was flirting her at the bar recently while i was at work he asked to give her a tour of the kitchen and cellar of his friends bar so she did and then he tried to kiss her and told her he wanted to have sex she apparently said no, but told him about all our marriage problems and he said he was married too and that he wasnt happy in his marriage all her friends thought she went off and had sex with him.

 

Another thing was her friend tried to hook her up with a guy and she said yeah why not and chatted to him but she says thats all that happened.

One morning after this i called her at 7am and a foreign guy answered then i heard some noise and then she came on and said oh sh*t thanks for waking me up im late for my course, i said whos the guy she denied there was any guy and said it was her voice so i dismissed it and went on with the chat, (i have a call recorder on my phone and listened again and it was definetly a guy so i accused her of sleeping with someone and sent her the recording she swears it was a crossed line or i was sabotaging her...

 

Anyway i took her word for it that it was a crossed line as i have had that before.

Then she called back that afternoon and said she wanted to be back with me, and i then asked for her icloud password which she gave and in there i found a screenshot of a message where she said quote “ sometimes because what I have been through made me feel I cant trusty anyman or anyone and start thinking all men are bad now, they all do sweet things at the start, u know what I mean right. I don’t play games im not a good player so if this sounds bizarre to you forget what I said Wednesday night” to which he replied quote “ who is playing games?

 

Look I relaise you have been burnt and you feel you cant trust anyone including me, that’s why I have been taking this slow and not promising too much or buying flowers etc, but what I tell you when we speak is honest and from the heart, im done playing , I found you, I can wait for you to go through all this and support you through it, im not going anywhere, and I hope you done forget what we said to each other on wed night, it’s the truth it can never hurt” I asked what happened wed nightwhich she says was when she just told him that she wasnt interested which i think is a lie as the message says otherwise, all the while previously she told me they were just friends nothing more she also said he had come around to her place she is staying now to bring her some soup while she was feeling sick.

 

i asked her if she sent him any nudes and she admitted she did but she was drunk and couldnt remember which pics they were exactly, then the next day she denied it and said she swears on her mothers life it wasnt nudes and it was just a pic of her laying in bed under the blanket with her head sticking out and that she hadnt slept with him, she then admitted to having feelings for him when she started the job there last year. She also posted on a girls only facebook page asking questions about starting a relationship with the work colleague and whether she should trust a guy whos a flirter and had sex with married women before whether she should not trust him or just go with the flow.

 

After i found this out she had admitted she lied to me about him and that she told him she wasnt interested in a relationship and only kissed him on the forehead but still thinks she did nothing wrong.

She says she told him she doesn’t want to be contacted anymore from him(though they still work together) and I see she still searches him on facebook and looks at his page.

I aslo found a note in there saying in french which translates” thankyou so much my beautiful Merville, to bask in your joy and splendor is my new dream, it gives me hope for love and happiness” ( shes recently started french lessons with a guy in his house.. and when i asked her about it she laughed and said that note was meant for me, although i noticed some french talk in messages with the colleague from work)

 

So I after learning of all this deception i got angry and called her some names and said she deserves bad karma.

She was adding flirters on facebook as well who were winding me up with their sleazy comments on her pictures.

 

Ill also note that during this "break" everytime im home on my week off (after 2 weeks at work) we have been catching up and she stays the odd night in our house and we still having sex.

Should i stay with her and try trust her again or do you think she cant be trusted and i should move on?, i love her so much still and she says she loves me too and says doesnt want to be with anyone else, (but she told me that before too when she did all that behind my back) and she says wants to be by herself for now, but says if i can trust her we can come back, but trust is going to take me some time i think its not an instant thing ,and i would have to see her doing the right things when guys flirt with her etc (though she also admitted to liking sometimes flirting with guys and saying "naughty jokes").

 

No more lying or breaking promises.

 

But somehow she thinks im selfish now, where i think she has been the selfish one as while we have been on this break( and for our whole relationship) i have still been turning down flirting girls and being faithful, while she has done the opposite.

 

I dont know what i should do we are both confused now and both not 100% sure we want to be back with each other. Any Thoughts?

Edited August 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandylee1]

Hi

 

If you both want this to work, you need to get marriage counselling.

 

She does seem a bit immature and she's obviously lied a lot. She doesn't seem to know appropriate boundaries with men. You need to be sure that she's got the qualities you want in a wife and the mother of your children.

 

Right now things are somewhat toxic between you.

Let me confirm...she cheated during the marriage right?

Are you able to forgive that?

 

I suggest you both make a list of qualities you like about each other and also the things you'd like to be different with each other. Keep it respectful.

 

Has she got all her partying out of her system and is she ready to buckle down and behave like a married woman?

 

I think both of you reading 'not just friends' by Shirley Glass would be helpful. If you both can understand boundaries and agree to abide by them, you may have a chance.

 

All that said, marriage counselling is still important and because she has broken the trust, she needs to prove she's worth staying with.

Ask her how she plans to restore your trust in her because turning off the 360 was a very deliberate act and before you decide to stay married, do you know the extent of her cheating.

 

You need the truth. She needs to stop drinking if she can't recall her actions while drunk and you need to state some expected behaviour for her. Like not clubbing without you/no contact with Ex BFs etc

 

BTW is she Japanese?

[sandylee1]

Hi again

There was so much in your OP, I had another read through.

 

You can't trust her. She's lied and she's denied cheating, but I don't believe it from what you've said.

 

A guy bringing her soup...

The FB girls page ....

The foreign guy picking up the phone..

The tour of the kitchen. ...

The smoking weed late at night at a guys house....

The drinking is excessive......

Turning off the 360 app....

 

There are way too many red flags and some blatant lies.

 

I think you are her plan B, because nothing else has worked out for her.

 

I think having kids with her would be a huge mistake, unless she is TOTALLY HONEST, because with all this I can't see how she hasn't cheated on you.

 

How about you consider staying on the basis that she passes a polygraph on not having cheated on you? Specifically that she hasn't had sex with another man whilst married to you.

 

Tell her that with everything you've seen, you think she has cheated and to prove otherwise you'd like a poly. If she questions this tell her you are willing to do one as well.

 

Her reaction will speak volumes.

 

No poly = divorce

Edited August 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

This is a very mixed up kid and it stems first of all from the fact she has no family/friend base.

She left her homeland to come live in Australia with the OP. I do not the circumstances here but Asians are often very family orientated and she was then lost in a country she hardly knew with essentially no-one.

She rakes together a surrogate "family", comprising the OP, exes and partying friends.

She gets her validation and sense of worth, not from a real family, but from a very dysfunctional one. She drinks to self medicate the sense of loneliness, hurt and depression she feels.

THEN the huge issue, she is pregnant, at last family of her own, but she is unsure, she is looking for support but what she gets is "Get rid" and when she does "get rid", the OP spends the night in a strip clubs with his mate. Ugh!

That is Neanderthal behaviour and totally inexcusable, no wonder she wanted to kill the OP...

The woman has just had an abortion, one of the most upsetting things a woman may ever have to do and the OP is out there ogling other naked women till 4am. There are no words...

This was not just a mistake, this was a disaster and a total tragedy. Few women would leave that scenario unscathed.

 

So now she is left childless (the OP still is denying her children) with a husband who is grossly insensitive and controlling, lost in a alien culture with a group of weed smoking/partying friends and she drinks to forget and self medicate.

She is desperately seeking validation and happiness from any guy that will give it to her including the OP who helpfully is still having sex with her.

 

All very, very sad.

[Trep]

Dude....seriously? Don't buy a word she has said about not cheating on you, because from an outside perspective, it is BLATANTLY obvious that she has cheated on you many, many times.

 

The smart thing to do is to run for the hills my friend.

[Mr. Lucky]

I dont know what i should do we are both confused now and both not 100% sure we want to be back with each other. Any Thoughts?

 

Love is given but trust is earned. Were it me, wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering.

 

If you decide to stay together, certainly need some new and well defined ground rules...

 

Mr. Lucky

[navaraman]

Hi thanks for the replies

we have had some marriage counselling together in the past, im sure if she decides she really wants the relationship back she could agree to more.

and also she has had one on one therapy but her therapist insists she moves on ( i think she tells her therapist and friends and incomplete story of her wrong actions in the relationship and only mentions my wrong actions)

She did say the day that the guyfirst said hello on the phone she swears on her mother life there was no man answering her phone and that she would pay for a polygraph test to confirm it and that if, it came out that she did nothing wrong i would have to pay for it.

There have been times during this break where we have said yeah its over see u later, but then a few days later changed our minds, this exchange between her and the work colleague could have happened in between these times.

She swears that she has not slept with any other guys or cheated on me.

Things get toxic then we start acting nice and loving again then back to toxic if there is an argument, or in this case when i found out about the work colleague and her.

I also believe i was her plan b while this other guy was on the scene and could still be now.

Yes Elaine i know what i did was so so stupid and neanderthal like, however i have let her know i regret doing it immensely and if i knew what effect this would have had i would certainly have not done it.

I might add if anyone is thinking of an abortion in similar circumstances dont do it, and make sure you are always stay there for your wife, even if she tells you to go out.

[Trishern]

She did say the day that the guyfirst said hello on the phone she swears on her mother life there was no man answering her phone and that she would pay for a polygraph test to confirm it and that if, it came out that she did nothing wrong i would have to pay for it.

 

 

There have been times during this break where we have said yeah its over see u later, but then a few days later changed our minds, this exchange between her and the work colleague could have happened in between these times.

She swears that she has not slept with any other guys or cheated on me.

 

 

 

 

I also believe i was her plan b while this other guy was on the scene and could still be now.

.

 

 

 

Take her up on this and go for a poly to get the answers to the bolded.

 

 

I've heard cheating husbands and wives swear on the lives of their children that they didn't cheat, only to find out it was untrue, so I'm not inclined to believe on the basis of her swearing on her mother's life alone.

 

 

You need to decide that if you want to work on things, you learn to be kind to each other, express love and act maturely. Otherwise you're both getting nowhere fast and wasting time with each other.

 

 

Mrs.T

[macmillerpwnz]

This girl is not the wifey type. There are waaaaay better women out there who would love to be with a caring guy as yourself. You remind me of myself.. Very naive and caring and loving. This girl is not for you.

[m.snow]

looks more like an open relationship.

trust transparency is the most important part.

she had sex with other people why don't she just admit it?

 

but you should have limits, ground rules and boundaries.

 

if you believe she already crossed that then divorce her.

or keep her around till you find another. why not?

 

if you want long term secure normal monogamous relationship stable and great for raising children then i don't think she is the right person for you.

 

she acts like she is no longer married.