Think he's cheating, how to approach?

[jc23]

How do you approach the situation when you think someone is cheating, but you don't have concrete proof? Do you wait until you have all the evidence, or do you bring it up immediately and go with what you have?

 

Was using my boyfriend's iPad like I always do. Opened Safari and there were two windows open: one searching for motels about an hour from here, and another on how to disable this GPS tracker app that connects to his phone (he uses it for when his 5 year old son is asking where he is and when he's headed/near home and the son loves it). He is currently out of town "for work," and his work is nowhere near the motel search and why disable GPS?

 

Our communication is pretty open, so that's not the problem, but I've never been in this situation before so I don't know how to approach it without attacking him (because frankly I'm pretty livid right now) and putting him on the defensive or make it look like I was snooping and not have it be a productive discussion.

 

Also, I would rather just bring it up now and see what he has to say, but if he is cheating, then wouldn't he just be more careful? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but my gut is telling me otherwise, so another part of me wants to gather more incriminating evidence to be sure he has no out and then just say goodbye because cheating is not something I tolerate.

 

What would you guys do?

Edited August 15, 2015 by jc23

[Sunflower27]

Yikes. The crazy girl in me would say go spy but the trusting girlfriend would say ignore it. I have found that whenever you bring up something you found from snooping, they get defensive.....even/especially when they're in the wrong. Yea, we all know you shouldn't have looked, but more importantly you shouldn't have found anything. I can say with certainty that he can look through my phone all he wants and find nothing. Not because I hid it, but because there is nothing to hide.

[StellaGrace]

If it were me, I'd ask myself bunch of questions - how solid do I think the relationship is. How long have I been with this guy and have I trusted him up until this moment. Am I generally mistrustful based on past experience or family history, and is there a possibility I am projecting it onto this guy?

 

If I had been with him awhile and I did trust him and had no reason or inkling to suspect anything until I saw a motel and GPS tracker website, I would let go of the anger. Instead I'd ask myself, "What other ways can I choose to view this situation that would bring me more emotional peace?" And I'd make a list.

 

If I still had something niggling, I'd ask him about it - but not in an accusatory fashion. Just matter-of-fact, as a curious observer, and I'd listen to what he has to say.

Edited August 15, 2015 by StellaGrace

[jen1447]

The hotel search and GPS disabling are objectively bad, so first of all don't feel like you're being paranoid. Also it sounds like you've got a clearly defined red line (no cheating), so that's good.

 

Where to go from here ....red line is no cheating so based on some incidental but probably not sufficient evidence that makes you suspicious, you need to determine if he's cheating so as to see if your red line's been crossed, right?

 

Ok, first things first, get your ducks in a row ....what's the fallout from cheating and crossing the red line? Divorce. What does divorce potentially impact - do you have kids? What sorts of assets (house, cars, money, stocks, etc.)? Also where do you live, and is it a place where fault divorce exists? (In the US for example, all states have no-fault divorce, which means that you can bscly get divorced for any reason, but only some states also have fault divorce, which means you can bring reasons to the court, usually in an effort to support child custody or monetary settlement agreements. So if you lived in a fault state and have kids and/or significant assets, you may want to consider the fault divorce route.)

 

Next step - do you have an attorney? If so, consult them. (If they're not a divorce or family law attorney, they'll be able to refer you.) If you don't, find one and consult them. You may not actually need to retain them and a simple consultation may be sufficient, but you also may have to. (Again, ask around for referrals if need-be.)

 

Once you have an attorney and if they feel your case is egregious enough and requires it, they'll either refer you to or retain themselves a licensed PI who can act as your disinterested third party agent in the field to gather evidence for you as necessary. They'll handle that competently and professionally.

 

If you don't really need the services of an attorney ultimately but still want to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, an attorney will be able to refer you to a PI who you can retain independently. It's generally not a good idea to attempt to do much investigative work yourself for two reasons - one, despite what we may think we're generally not very competent at it (there's a reason these ppl are professionals), and two, it's good to have a disinterested third party act in that capacity for you. Disinterested means they don't have any personal stake in the matter. That can come into play eventually in court forex, where you'll look silly saying you conducted (and likely botched) your own surveillance or had Uncle Freddy do it, whereas if you hired a professional, you can rely on professional results presented by a professional without any appearance of incompetence or bias.

 

Ok, so if you're really not interested in any of that and just want to put together a few more pieces of the puzzle before filing (or possibly disprove your suspicions by not finding anything else out or finding info that corroborates other plausible explanations), you could try a couple things. If you have a joint cellular provider account, get an itemized copy of your bill and look for calls and texts to a suspicious number (probably lots of them) at odd times of the day or night, and at times when it would seem appropriate for your husband to communicate with another woman, like while he's 'away for work' or leading up to it. You can do the same thing with credit card bills - check to see if there are any odd charges, like hotels, restaurants, etc., during the times he's away. If this gets more involved in that tho, you really should retain a PI to do this work for you.

 

Last note - ppl will likely say to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it in his vehicle so you can spy on his conversations. Surreptitiously recording conversations is a felony in many states in the US, so don't do that unless you know your state's a one-party consent state. (Look it up on your state legislature website.) If it's two-party and you record without your husband's permission, you're committing a felony, and you don't want to commit any felonies in conjunction with a divorce preceding. Besides, it'd be best to consult and/or let a PI handle that level of operation anyway.

 

Good luck, and sorry this is happening to you.

[d0nnivain]

I'd point blank ask in your situation. I would not gather more evidence at this point. If the answers made sense, I'd drop it.

 

 

If the answers didn't make sense, I'd dig deeper. Once I found objective evidence of cheating, I'd break up with him & not look back. The motel & the disabled GPS are too premeditated for me to get past.

[katiegrl]

Hey jen, unless I missed something (which is more than possible).. jc23 said in her second paragraph she was checking her boyfriend's IPad.

 

So don't think they're married, unless, again, I missed something.

 

jc23, just out of curiosity, what prompted you to check Safari? Gut feeling?

 

If it were me, I would take the direct approach and ask. I always have to ask and communicate when something is troubling me ...but that's just me. I have always been that way.

 

Anyhoo, don't ask him in an accusatory way ...more in a confused way.... and a curious way.

 

Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions ....this is your heart and your life we're talking about here. Take care of you.

 

Since it's no secret you use his IPad (and he knows this?) ...then it should be fairly easy to bring this up without making it appear like you were snooping.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[jen1447]

Hey jen, unless I missed something (which is more than possible).. jc23 said in her second paragraph she was checking her boyfriend's IPad.

 

Yikes, that little detail went right over my head! Thanks katie.

 

Hm, well being as it's a much lesser concern, then you obvs don't need attorneys and PIs, but I still think the hotel/GPS combo is very incriminating. Most likely nothing would be gained by asking him outright imo, as his answer's likely to be the same whether he misbehaved or not. Very few ppl admit to cheating when asked casually about it, and even a convincing story probably won't totally set your mind at ease. So you'll be stuck wondering what he's up to every time he leaves town for work ....sucky situation, don't do that to yourself.

 

I think if it was me (and this wouldn't work for everyone, I know) I'd come at him hard with the info I have and watch how he reacts moreso than what he says. If he stammers and hems and haws and possibly changes or adjusts his story midstream, those would be negatives. If he gets righteously angry and his answers are simple and consistent, those would be positives. The thing with that approach is, you have to be prepared to accept that he may reject you for calling him into question, which a man of integrity might do and would be understandable. I'd be ok with that personally, meaning I'd prioritize my peace of mind over the continued relationship.

[jc23]

Wow, thanks everyone for the response. Really really appreciate it. Helping me a ton right now.

 

To clarify:

 

- I always use his iPad and he knows

- Safari was on private mode, so to me that suggests he was hiding the search but forgot to close it. so I wasn't snooping (I've never had any reason to), I just don't want to be accused of it

- We are not married, been together a little over 3 years

Edited August 15, 2015 by jc23

[Space Ritual]

Wow, thanks everyone for the response. Really really appreciate it. Helping me a ton right now.

 

To clarify:

 

- I always use his iPad and he knows

- Safari was on private mode, so to me that suggests he was hiding the search but forgot to close it. so I wasn't snooping (I've never had any reason to), I just don't want to be accused of it

- We are not married, been together a little over 3 years

 

The mere fact that he knows you use his Ipad and still let this trail would give me pause...

 

It would also give me a little more motivation to sit back. A one off or a foolish mistake is one thing to leave on the Ipad. But if it was deliberate, then chances are he will throw caution to the wind thinking you would be none the wiser.

 

The ONLY reason I am suggesting sitting back and observing at this point is that if indeed he is meeting someone for nefarious reasons, if you confront him with what seems to be "on the surface" as a coincidence, then chances are during the confrontation you will be gaslighted, be made to believe you are crazy, and worse yet, suggest that you are controlling.

 

Yeah I know....sounds rather unlikely, but cheaters work literally from a mythical handbook where they react in the same predictable way most of teh time. If you have other avenues of investigation, such as shared phone bills or bank accounts, where you can see anomalies such as overuse of data or odd sums withdrawn, I'd check into those now.

 

I know it probably goes against everything you want to do by sitting back. But I think you have a lot to be concerned abut and I think you would do much better by sitting back, and going in to Columbo mode. Act like you don't know anything will make him overestimate his ability to cover his tracks, and he will get sloppy.

 

When people think they can't lose, they cut corners. He'll trip up. Give him some rope and he'll hang himself

[jc23]

Yikes. The crazy girl in me would say go spy but the trusting girlfriend would say ignore it.

 

This. Honestly I've always trusted him until I saw that. Too big for me to ignore.

[jc23]

If it were me, I'd ask myself bunch of questions - how solid do I think the relationship is. How long have I been with this guy and have I trusted him up until this moment. Am I generally mistrustful based on past experience or family history, and is there a possibility I am projecting it onto this guy?

 

If I had been with him awhile and I did trust him and had no reason or inkling to suspect anything until I saw a motel and GPS tracker website, I would let go of the anger. Instead I'd ask myself, "What other ways can I choose to view this situation that would bring me more emotional peace?" And I'd make a list.

 

If I still had something niggling, I'd ask him about it - but not in an accusatory fashion. Just matter-of-fact, as a curious observer, and I'd listen to what he has to say.

 

Yes, I've been cheated on in the past and that's why I have a strict no cheating policy. Being very careful not to project, which is probably another reason why I don't know how to approach the situation. He also knows I've been cheated on and I dont want this to be a "I'm not your ex" conversation, know what I mean?

 

How would you say it in a matter-of-fact/curious observer way?

[d0nnivain]

How would you say it in a matter-of-fact/curious observer way?

 

 

I was using your ipad & I couldn't help but notice you were looking for motels. What's that about?

[jc23]

I'd point blank ask in your situation. I would not gather more evidence at this point. If the answers made sense, I'd drop it.

 

 

If the answers didn't make sense, I'd dig deeper. Once I found objective evidence of cheating, I'd break up with him & not look back. The motel & the disabled GPS are too premeditated for me to get past.

 

This is what I wanted to do. My problem with it is if I ask outright and he denies it and the answer doesn't make sense, he'd just be more careful, right? And my digging deeper would be useless.

[jc23]

Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions ....this is your heart and your life we're talking about here. Take care of you.

 

 

Thank you. I really needed this.

[jc23]

Yikes, that little detail went right over my head! Thanks katie.

 

Hm, well being as it's a much lesser concern, then you obvs don't need attorneys and PIs, but I still think the hotel/GPS combo is very incriminating. Most likely nothing would be gained by asking him outright imo, as his answer's likely to be the same whether he misbehaved or not. Very few ppl admit to cheating when asked casually about it, and even a convincing story probably won't totally set your mind at ease. So you'll be stuck wondering what he's up to every time he leaves town for work ....sucky situation, don't do that to yourself.

 

I think if it was me (and this wouldn't work for everyone, I know) I'd come at him hard with the info I have and watch how he reacts moreso than what he says. If he stammers and hems and haws and possibly changes or adjusts his story midstream, those would be negatives. If he gets righteously angry and his answers are simple and consistent, those would be positives. The thing with that approach is, you have to be prepared to accept that he may reject you for calling him into question, which a man of integrity might do and would be understandable. I'd be ok with that personally, meaning I'd prioritize my peace of mind over the continued relationship.

 

No worries, I'm sure all that divorce info will help someone else, even if it doesn't apply to me. Yes, his reaction is key. The bolded part: thank you, exactly what I need to remind myself to be strong.

[jc23]

The mere fact that he knows you use his Ipad and still let this trail would give me pause...

 

It would also give me a little more motivation to sit back. A one off or a foolish mistake is one thing to leave on the Ipad. But if it was deliberate, then chances are he will throw caution to the wind thinking you would be none the wiser.

 

The ONLY reason I am suggesting sitting back and observing at this point is that if indeed he is meeting someone for nefarious reasons, if you confront him with what seems to be "on the surface" as a coincidence, then chances are during the confrontation you will be gaslighted, be made to believe you are crazy, and worse yet, suggest that you are controlling.

 

Yeah I know....sounds rather unlikely, but cheaters work literally from a mythical handbook where they react in the same predictable way most of teh time. If you have other avenues of investigation, such as shared phone bills or bank accounts, where you can see anomalies such as overuse of data or odd sums withdrawn, I'd check into those now.

 

I know it probably goes against everything you want to do by sitting back. But I think you have a lot to be concerned abut and I think you would do much better by sitting back, and going in to Columbo mode. Act like you don't know anything will make him overestimate his ability to cover his tracks, and he will get sloppy.

 

When people think they can't lose, they cut corners. He'll trip up. Give him some rope and he'll hang himself

 

I like the idea of observing. I do feel that what I have now is just "on the surface" as you say and with just that the conversation might blow up in my face. Yes, we have a shared phone bill, why didn't I think of that? thanks. We have a joint account for bills/entertainment (but also our own) just took a look and nothing out of the ordinary but will definitely keep an eye now. Bolded part: this is so true, it's exactly how my cheating ex was.

 

I just have to really compose myself and get my emotions in check while sitting back. Any advice on that?

[beach]

Look a little further since you have access to his phone records. Is he calling and/or texting someone a lot more than others?

 

Ask him where he is - where he's staying and see if it's in line with his receipts that he should be turning in for his work trip.

 

Start checking. Don't say anything until you gather evidence to prove or disprove that he's doing something out of the ordinary.

 

Check to see where the person may live - IF he's communicating with someone new.

[StellaGrace]

How would you say it in a matter-of-fact/curious observer way?

 

I'd say what you said here - that you went on the iPad as always and there were two web pages open and you wondered what that was about. Wait and see what he says. If it sounds fishy, ask more questions - e.g. why was it on private, etc.

 

You said the two of you have been together for 3 years; you communicate well; you share electronics and he has never done anything to jeopardize that trust. So give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean you can't really know what he was doing until you ask, and since you know him better than anyone I think you will know by the way he responds if something is off.

 

To work yourself into a frenzy gathering potential evidence just seems to me like jumping the gun and not allowing for the possibility that there is an explanation.

[jen1447]

To work yourself into a frenzy gathering potential evidence just seems to me like jumping the gun and not allowing for the possibility that there is an explanation.

 

Only problem with that approach tho imo is that there's always some plausible deniability. Ppl are able to twist even the most convoluted scenarios into having a way out. (He was taken to meet Benjamin Netanyahu for a secret consultation, car fell off a cliff into the hotel parking lot, and the ever-present aliens explanation are just a few extreme examples.) Add in the fact that ppl usually don't want it to be true and they already favor explanations and you have a built in tendency toward acceptance when really you don't have to apply such a high standard.

 

We're not trying murderers to send them to prison for life, just pondering regular old cheaters to consider them for dumping, and a common sense standard is really the only thing that needs to be satisfied. In my mind, looking for hotels that are in places where you're not going away for work and trying to figure out how to disable your GPS are borderline sufficient for that. Obvs we all have to make up our own minds and no one can decide for OP, but I'd hate to think she gave the guy a way out he didn't deserve out of some overwrought sense of due process.

[StellaGrace]

Only problem with that approach tho imo is that there's always some plausible deniability. Ppl are able to twist even the most convoluted scenarios into having a way out. (He was taken to meet Benjamin Netanyahu for a secret consultation, car fell off a cliff into the hotel parking lot, and the ever-present aliens explanation are just a few extreme examples.) Add in the fact that ppl usually don't want it to be true and they already favor explanations and you have a built in tendency toward acceptance when really you don't have to apply such a high standard.

 

I hear ya, but those implausible deniers are generally people who have a history of doing untrustworthy things. The OP said that she has been with this man for three years, open communication all along the way including sharing of technology devices, and no red flags of mistrust.

 

Sure there are a lot of potential scenarios that could mean X, Y, or Z, but why go into accusation stance and detective mode right off the bat as if he's automatically guilty? It just doesn't seem healthy to me when it comes to a core love relationship when you can just ASK.

 

In the end if she gets fishy answers I believe she will sense it - we almost always do - and she can follow up with anything that doesn't make sense and take it from there.

[joseb]

I hear ya, but those implausible deniers are generally people who have a history of doing untrustworthy things. The OP said that she has been with this man for three years, open communication all along the way including sharing of technology devices, and no red flags of mistrust.

I was my fiance for 9 years with no red flags and never a history of cheating or even flirting, but it didnt stop her having an affair and covering it up for 6 months. And when i found out of course she lied, until she knew i knew, then she tried to minimise it.

 

The problem with asking is, if he is doing it, he will probably be able to deny it convincingly and be more careful to hide it.

[candie13]

I wouldn't ask a damn thing. I would keep my mouth shut and get evidence. If I had invested 3 years in a RS, yeah, I would pay a PI to check up on him. I am personally not interested in dramatic interpretation of appalled trusting bf. I want facts. I would hire that detective like tomorrow. I wouldn't care about court evidence, I wouldn't care how he got that information. I would just want to know the truth. ASAP.

 

Please don't do anything stupid and do not open your mouth. These people are feeling guilty, so watch if he's unnaturally affectionate to you, if he's bringing you presents or flowers or such. Use your instinct... and pay that PI. It's one of the best investments you can make.

[road]

Do not confront until you have more proof for he will just deny. Also telling him now will only alert him to block your future access to info or use other means.

 

 

VAR his car.

 

 

Also real time GPS his car because the motel is not where he is suppose to be working.

[jc23]

Anyone care to move this to the Other Woman forum? Don't know what the connection is to the searches I found, but it looks like I'm the one being cheated with (who knows, maybe 'on' too) and that's all I need to know. Just want to give you guys an update, thank you for the help. Found out a few days ago. Don't even want to deal with it, just disappear from his life. Haven't talked to him about it or anything, ignoring calls/texts, even if a part of me wants to believe there's a valid explanation. Want to be by myself for now. So devastated.

[S2B]

Anyone care to move this to the Other Woman forum? Don't know what the connection is to the searches I found, but it looks like I'm the one being cheated with (who knows, maybe 'on' too) and that's all I need to know. Just want to give you guys an update, thank you for the help. Found out a few days ago. Don't even want to deal with it, just disappear from his life. Haven't talked to him about it or anything, ignoring calls/texts, even if a part of me wants to believe there's a valid explanation. Want to be by myself for now. So devastated.

 

I'm confused about a lot of what you just posted. Is he cheating on you by having another woman or are you saying you are now another woman to someone else?

 

If he's cheating - what did you find out? Is it you ignoring him or him ignoring you? If nothing else it's best to at least have a final conversation to allow him to understand how he's made you feel and to speak your truth to him.

 

And if he is I'm really sorry. It's painful but you must take care of yourself.