I've been replaced....

[HeavyHeart15]

My husband and I were married for 7 years, together for a total of 18 years. We were best friends and I loved him with everything I had, everything that I was. He was the love of my life, he was my life. It's been 6 months since we separated.

 

Over the past year, he became just mean and distant towards me. He told me that he didn't find me attractive anymore. He lost his temper with me a lot. He finally confessed that he was having an affair with a co-worker (she's 10 years younger and nothing special) and had developed feelings for her. I was crushed and devastated but I chose to forgive him. I have no idea how long it was going on. He was remorseful for about a month and then decided that he didn't feel the same about us anymore and wanted to end things. He said he was confused. Basically he let me begin healing thinking he wanted to work things out together and then pulled the rug out from under me.

 

When I left my home of 7 years, all I saw on his face was relief. I never felt so horrible in my life. I haven't heard from him since other than an occasional text about my mail at the house. He is still with her and he's introduced her to his family and vice versa. How does someone do this. What's in their heart? Did the last 18 years mean nothing? Why wasn't he wiling to fight for us. I suggested counselling and he refused. I never would have given up on him. He simply replaced me.

 

I had to leave my home, the only life and love that I've ever known. I have to start all over and he just gets to move on with her without missing a beat. If he wasn't happy I wish that he would have told me instead of hurting me the way he did. He said he hadn't felt the same about us for the last 5 years! Could he not have found a moment to tell me that in all that time? He handled things so badly. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. There were areas of our marriage where we both could have made more of an effort but no one deserves to be cheated on. He actually said "I could have just left" are you kidding me?!

Edited August 15, 2015 by HeavyHeart15

[sandylee1]

You love who he used to be, because loving someone who treats you so badly isn't going to help you.

You'll soon find anger, but personally I won't ever give a man the satisfaction of knowing he's hurt me so badly.

 

He handled it very badly and you deserve a heck of a lot better than this. No man is worth the heartache and the best way to get over it is to remember how horrible he was and mourn the loss of your marriage, then look to a brighter future.

 

Why should he be the only happy one.

[casey.lives]

some people use impending doom-drama as a spring board to reach higher levels of passion to fuel their love affairs. he knows its over and he milked it

[StalwartMind]

Many people go into situations without having really thought about things on a long term level. Even more probably don't know themselves well enough in regards to how much effort, work they are willing to put into a given circumstance. Without being rude to anyone, nor to say there is anything wrong with above, I just believe it's the vast minority of people that from a young age actually know what they want from life.

 

One thing many question after an "out of the blue" breakup/separation, is if any of it meant something. I believe the answer to that is "yes it did mean something once", however at one point the emotions that once filled your relationship, for whatever reason just ran dry. I believe everyone can relate to the feeling of becoming tired/exhausted from any kind of activity we typically enjoy. Let's say you enjoy reading books/watching TV, if you marathon either too much, you need a break from it. Just because you currently or perhaps in a really extreme case permanently have had enough of something, doesn't mean you didn't enjoy it. In context of relationships, it may not do you any good this very moment, but even if something has come to an end there will be good things you can take from it.

 

Like others have said too, he handled this very poorly, I'm on the exact same page as you "Couldn't he of found a moment to express his dissatisfaction", but see some people just fail or don't care at all anymore to communicate. You do not deserve to be treated in this way, in fact none of us do or should accept such behavior, especially if we want to have a life with the fewest unpleasant surprises. Not everyone is equally great at this, but having an intuition about things can often give you most of the answers before you even seek them. When people change, be it becoming distant, moody or just in general breaking their consistent habit, this should be a cause for concern even if it may just be something temporary.

 

I can't tell others how to have their relationship, but if two people are sensible, they also shouldn't fear confronting each other. If you actually are intimidated by the reaction your partner may give, then that is a relationship based on fairly uneven soil. I'm not a fan of drama or conflicts, but at the same time I'm also not afraid of confrontations. Many people fear being judged, even by their partner, as you ideally want your partner to love all you are. You are very right that no one is perfect, I certainly ain't but I also know I'm not the worst person walking this planet either. Everything we do in life often comes down to effort we all are willing to put into things, especially relationships. Things will never be 100% equal and nor do they have to be, but if you ever feel like something is off, then you need to address that. Two sensible people will always be able to work through any issue, even if that in the worst case means splitting.

 

Regardless if it's a man or woman, no one should put themselves through being treated poorly, there are much better people out there to spend your life with, or for that matter peaceful solitude to be found if that's more to ones preference. A common tendency, especially even more so than ever is that people tend to just move on to something else they find better, instead of working on any issue. While there should be limits to everything, I just feel too many have a lazy attitude to things and give up way too fast these days. On the other hand, when you actually do meet someone who feels similar about this, then your world can quickly be turned upside down. There are very decent folks out there, both men and women of all ages who would give their partner something truly unique and lasting for life.

 

This may be the most difficult thing to wrap your head around presently, but if someone doesn't want to do good by you or respect you, then your life is honestly better off without them. If anyone around me ever felt I was a negative or no longer needed company, then I wouldn't want them to stick around me or for that matter be around them either. Life is just too short to spend too much time on things we don't enjoy or like. Not everyone has the same willpower or desire to fight for things, which can be due to many reasons. Overall I've always found the most beautiful people to be those who are open minded, willing to communicate and are honest about everything. This may not fall to everyone's liking but it certainly makes many things a lot less complicated. Brutal honesty which many fear is actually a character trait I highly appreciate, because it puts focus on issues others may typically dodge.

 

You and anyone else who are going through similar, deserve better, don't let things experience knock you down. Do however let your mind process all the thoughts and feelings you have and don't rush yourself. The healing process may be long, involve roller coaster rides, but once you reach your end destination, you will find yourself with more clarity and also be even more aware of what things you want and don't want in your life anymore.

[elaine567]

OK unsure why you had to leave your home are you not being married entitled to stay in it? Surely he is at fault here.

Have you consulted an attorney?

[carhill]

Welcome to LS and sorry it's under such circumstances.

 

While painful and disheartening, the reality of life is that we are autonomous and live our lives individually and we're always subject to replacement at any time and for any reason, or no reason at all. This includes friendships, family, and yup, spouses and sexual partners. Relationships are always voluntary.

 

How we deal with being replaced is up to us. Your H apparently deceived you as well as replaced you so you have two aspects to deal with separately, one being infidelity and the other being abandoned by your spouse. Perhaps it sounds 'canned' but IME MC with a psychologist helped a lot in processing the emotional content and what I'm hearing from you sounds familiar and is completely appropriate. The marriage died suddenly and unexpectedly and with disheartening betrayal and now you have to process that on your own. Short version is, one, you're not alone and, two, you'll get through it. Help is out there. We're here to share our insight and experience and offer an internet hug. It'll work out.

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I'm in a lot of pain, I have good days and bad days. I need to let him go, it's very difficult right now.

 

I realize sometimes things don't work out but he had no right to betray or treat me the way he did. I'm a human being with a beating heart not an old toy you throw away the minute a new one sparks your interest. There is no excuse for what he did or the way he did it. Cheating is selfish. period.

 

I am angry. It's hard to understand how someone you thought you knew could treat you with so little respect and regard. It was all about him and his life. He said that he felt sick around me from pretending!

 

I had to move out of my home because there was no way I could afford it. It's only a matter of time before she moves in and takes my life completely.

 

I have seen an attorney and we are in the midst of working out a separation agreement. I told him if he wanted a divorce that he would be the one to file and pay for it. This is not what I wanted.

 

He said that this affair was something that I would never get over, that he didn't want to hear it for the rest of his life. She was in love with him and made him feel "wanted" All I heard was me,me,me.

 

He actually had the nerve to watch me endure the physical and emotional pain of infertility testing and treatments, knowing the whole time that he had no intention of staying. I'll never forget on our one of many car rides home from the clinic that he was "perfectly fine not having children" Needless to say I was crushed.

 

I don't know the man he's become. He didn't deserve my forgiveness. I hope what goes around comes around. I have just starting seeing a therapist and I pray that helps me to move on.

Edited August 15, 2015 by HeavyHeart15

[sandylee1]

He doesn't want to hear it for the rest of his life.....

What am absolute heartless man.

 

Don't worry, if all he's after is getting his ego stroked that will fade with his new dolly bird.

 

To see you go through fertility treatment and he knew he wasn't interested......I hope his new GF knows what a winner she has in him.

 

He isn't worthy of your love at all. If he was unhappy he should have said so and you could both have tried to work at things.

 

It's hard, but try and be strong.

 

Reconnect with friends

Try and get out and socialise

Go to the gym

Take up a hobby

 

Occupy your time to try and distract myself from thinking about it.

At the end of the day, we can't control how other people feel. It will take time, but when you see him, don't let him see you upset. Don't ask about his life, just treat it all like a business deal and don't display any emotion.

 

I'm sure the stress of IVF must have taken its toll and affected you to a degree, but display a positive outlook.

 

Make sure you have a good lawyer and get a decent settlement. You should get spousal support as well.

 

You'll get there.....just don't let his selfishness make the rest of your life a misery while he basks in happiness. Don't let your happiness be down to one self centred idiot.

[Mr. Lucky]

I had to leave my home, the only life and love that I've ever known. I have to start all over and he just gets to move on with her without missing a beat. If he wasn't happy I wish that he would have told me instead of hurting me the way he did. He said he hadn't felt the same about us for the last 5 years! Could he not have found a moment to tell me that in all that time? He handled things so badly. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. There were areas of our marriage where we both could have made more of an effort but no one deserves to be cheated on. He actually said "I could have just left" are you kidding me?!

 

Most WS, on their way out the door, start to revise history. Recall changes, timelines are moved, feelings are altered. I'd put very little stock in what he's telling you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HeavyHeart15]

Thanks again for everyone's comments.

 

I'm having an incredibly difficult day. I came across some pictures his girlfriend posted online of the two of them looking as happy as can be at her family bbq. It seems everyone is chummy and accepting of them. Of course I don't know what they've told people. She's nasty, definitely not someone I thought he would be interested in, she must be great at bj's or something lol.

 

He's moved on and happy and I'm isolated and miserable. I feel like I hate him, most of all I hate the way I allow him to make me feel. I feel stuck and unmotivated. Life is precious and short and I don't want to spend it in pain over someone who doesn't give a **** if I'm even alive. I feel like I'm trying to run through mud, this is starting to take a toll on my physical health. I don't know where to begin in rebuilding my life, I lost myself in him. I'm hopeful, angry, scared, excited...the list goes on. Letting go is so difficult, I know I'll get there, just overwhelmed right now.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[qubist]

Thanks again for everyone's comments.

 

I'm having an incredibly difficult day. I came across some pictures his girlfriend posted online of the two of them looking as happy as can be at her family bbq. It seems everyone is chummy and accepting of them. Of course I don't know what they've told people. She's nasty, definitely not someone I thought he would be interested in, she must be great at bj's or something lol.

 

He's moved on and happy and I'm isolated and miserable. I feel like I hate him, most of all I hate the way I allow him to make me feel. I feel stuck and unmotivated. Life is precious and short and I don't want to spend it in pain over someone who doesn't give a **** if I'm even alive. I feel like I'm trying to run through mud, this is starting to take a toll on my physical health. I don't know where to begin in rebuilding my life, I lost myself in him. I'm hopeful, angry, scared, excited...the list goes on. Letting go is so difficult, I know I'll get there, just overwhelmed right now.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

Sorry that you are still struggling, it will take time but believe me it will go away. how is your therapy going, I hope you didn't give up on that it helps a lot. as for your EX try to avoid following his life with her it won't help you cope, it is not worth trust me, selfish people like him will never be satisfied

good luck

[MJJean]

Thanks again for everyone's comments.

 

I'm having an incredibly difficult day. I came across some pictures his girlfriend posted online of the two of them looking as happy as can be at her family bbq. It seems everyone is chummy and accepting of them. Of course I don't know what they've told people. She's nasty, definitely not someone I thought he would be interested in, she must be great at bj's or something lol.

 

He's moved on and happy and I'm isolated and miserable. I feel like I hate him, most of all I hate the way I allow him to make me feel. I feel stuck and unmotivated. Life is precious and short and I don't want to spend it in pain over someone who doesn't give a **** if I'm even alive. I feel like I'm trying to run through mud, this is starting to take a toll on my physical health. I don't know where to begin in rebuilding my life, I lost myself in him. I'm hopeful, angry, scared, excited...the list goes on. Letting go is so difficult, I know I'll get there, just overwhelmed right now.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Your story is why I come here. I've been married 12 years, together 15. I've built my life around my DH and the family we've created and (mostly finished) raising. I read the infidelity and divorce sections as sort of an intel gather "just in case". I mean, I don't think my DH would ever have an affair or leave for many reasons, but so did/do a lot of spouses and we can clearly see on these and other forums how many of them go through what you are going through. I cannot imagine the pain, anger, sadness, despair etc. that you're feeling. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

 

You have to move on. Fake it til you make it! Go out. Spend time with friends and family doing things that you enjoy. Take up a new hobby. Make new friends. Keep busy living your life and get the hell out of isolation asap!

 

Make sure you're eating and drinking properly. Plenty of protein and fruits and veggies. A lot of water and juice. Even if you don't quite feel like it. The nutrition will help you feel better mentally and physically.

 

Don't think there is anything wrong with using anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds if your Dr prescribes them. A lot of men and women and your situation need a little extra help for a while.

 

And keep venting here. We care!

 

P.S. You CAN'T be replaced. You are unique. The OW cannot remove 18 years of history. She cannot ever be and do for your STBX what you were and did. Besides, if she was willing to enter into an affair with a MM and he was willing to cheat on you, what do you think they'll do to each other when the new wears off and the going gets rough? It's rare for AP's to have a happily ever after.

Edited August 17, 2015 by MJJean

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I have just started therapy, I have my third session next week. I'm not taking very good care of myself physically. There are so many things that I know I should be doing but just don't have the strength to put them into practice.

 

I'm in disbelief, I thought I knew him. I thought I knew his heart. I don't know him at all. I have to somehow accept that there's no going back. He's someone that I used to know, someone I'm afraid I'm beginning to hate for the way he treated me. The way he felt he was justified in doing what he did and saying the words he said to me, that way he looked at me in disgust when he told me he no longer found me sexually attractive. He is a liar and a cheater. They deserve each other. They have no morals or respect, just selfishness.

 

It's hard. I'm sad and angry. He's happy. He loves her. I can't help but feel thrown away, as if I don't matter. His feelings were like a light switch. The remorse he showed was completely fake. I believed every word. I'm so stupid and maybe that's what he thought too.

 

MJJean, thank you for the kind words in your last paragraph. I cried when I read it.

[elaine567]

. I'm not taking very good care of myself physically. There are so many things that I know I should be doing but just don't have the strength to put them into practice.

 

 

Borrowed from Satu's journal.

 

Don't neglect yourself

[oldshirt]

My husband and I were married for 7 years, together for a total of 18 years.

 

Why didn't he marry you for 11 years?? Why did you stick with him for 11 years without marriage?

 

Why did you two get married after 11 years of not being married?

[ufo8mycat]

Why didn't he marry you for 11 years?? Why did you stick with him for 11 years without marriage?

 

Why did you two get married after 11 years of not being married?

 

Unhelpful comment is unhelpful.

 

HeavyHeart, your situation sounds very similar to mine.

 

We were together for 8 years before getting married, married 8 years (and for Oldshirt above, it is because we met when when I was 18). In april of this year he decided he didn't want to be married to me any more.

 

In hindsight he checked out some months ago and I was also desperately unhappy because of his behaviour but he refused to talk about. On dropping the bombshell (which in itself wasn't the blindsiding ) he refused any suggestion of counselling, trial separation, talking about it. He had made up my mind.

 

I think this added enormously to my sense of loss, acute panic and sadness. When I said my vows - for better or worse I meant it. He clearly meant until it got hard and didn't work for him. He simply did not want to give our marriage a chance.

 

So what could I do? I also moved out - something now that we are doing a property settlement and it has moved to us only talking through lawyers that I really regret.

 

I also haven't really spoken to him since our separation in late April. Only communicate by text message or email over logistical matters. I really struggle with not talking to him. I was only telling my psychologist last week about how much this bothered me. And it isn't even talking about "us" but I have so much to tell him about every day things.

 

We went from living together and still talking about our days to no contact whatsoever.

 

I also get the completely letting go in terms of looking after yourself. I just didn't care. Toast was dinner. Often wine then toast was dinner. I had an accident not long after we split where I was hit by a car on my bike an hurt pretty badly. So the thing of "exercise is good for your mental health" was out the window as I was on crutches with busted ribs, hip and knee.

 

So I took to couch sitting and eating with abandon. Because what did it matter? To be honest. this has only improved in the last few weeks as my mental and physical health has improved.

 

I think men more so than women can rewrite parts of their history. My ex is really angry at me and I don't understand why. He wanted this. He wanted out. I moved out, I am out of the marriage and he can (and is) doing whatever he wants. I am pushing hard for the property settlement as he is living in my flat, paying a very small mortgage while I have moved, had all the cost of setting up a new place as well a mortgage that is 1200 a month higher. I just want out and this is the last thing tying us together. But he would have to move, or buy me out both of which are pretty inconvenient (which I know too well!). So it is being rewritten that I am being nasty and busting out the lawyers when in reality, he just has his head up his ass and refuses to respond.

 

He assured me this would be an amicable process but he is losing control and is lashing out. I am not sure what he thought would happen. No please, continued exactly as it did when we were married, but just with a different woman.

 

Phew! But enough about me!

 

What you are experiencing is simply grief. It will take time. You can do all the right things but grief isn't linear. You can sail along thinking "yeah! I got this! I am so much better" and then something happens and it is like being back at day 1, with the same intensity of emotion.

 

But I am 5 months in and only found out yesterday my ex is closely involved with someone I considered a friend. It was like being back to the day with split with the intensity of emotion. The mix of anger, sadness, betrayal and loss. But it didn't last anywhere near as long.

 

But you know those thoughts in your head? About how you have been replaced? How amazing she is? How happy they are? They are just that - stories you are telling yourself. They are not fact or truth. It doesn't serve you well to follow these stories.

 

People will tell you to let him go, that you deserve better. And you do. But no one has been able to tell me "how" you do that. You loved him. He turned out to be an asshat that didn't feel the same way but that doesn't change the fact that you have experienced enormous loss.

 

So be kind to yourself. You don't have to be over it or have let him go. You will in time. Don't beat yourself up because you are not "there" yet.

 

Keep seeing the therapist, even during times that you don't need to as you feel okay as the first year is crazy hard (so I am told, and is true so far).

 

Don't aim for perfection. Maybe just focus the next week on eating well. Can you get food delivered? I use myfoodbag.com.au - is there something similar to you? It means I get the nice process of cooking, amazing food that is good for me but no inconvenience of actually doing the shopping.

 

Start new routines one at a time. Don't get it right today? Don't beat yourself up. Tomorrow is a new opportunity. But tell your therapist if you are feeling stuck.

 

Hang in there xx

Edited August 22, 2015 by ufo8mycat

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you so much for your post ufo8mycat! I have read and re-read every word. I'm so sorry you are going through this too, it's an overwhelming grief.

 

We also are not in contact with each other, only through lawyers as we go back and forth regarding our separation agreement. He doesn't care, not once in the last 6 months has he asked me if I was ok. He's too busy living it up with the new love of his life. I bet the i love you's started as soon as I left. I'll never forget the relief on his face. I'll never forget the way he had the music blaring in the car as he left me to pack up my things and leave my home, didn't help me with a damn thing. I'll never forget the panic, my heart beating so hard, my legs were weak, I was sweating and red faced gathering my things as quickly as I could to get the hell out of there. He actually expected me to continue paying the bills I was responsible for when I left. Hell no. I refused. This whole thing just has me in shock. I don't know who he is anymore, what is in his heart and mind that makes him believe what he did is ok. Sadly, a part of me hates him. I never thought I would. I don't hate anyone!

 

There are days when I'm hopeful, I know I'm better off. Then there are days when I will collapse on the floor in tears, wailing and screaming out in desperation for the husband and best friend I lost.

 

I'll get to a place when this pain won't overtake me. I'll get there. I not only lost him but I lost myself too. I have to start over. One day at a time. I need to take better care of myself. It's so hard because I just don't have the motivation to do much these days. I'm on a roller coaster as they say and I want off!!!!!

 

Thanks again for everyone's posts. They really help

Edited August 24, 2015 by HeavyHeart15

[happyman64]

HH15

 

 

The best revenge is to live well. Without him.

 

 

To succeed at everything you do. Without him.

 

 

You are just starting to realize just how selfish he truly is.

 

 

You are just starting to realize that you no longer recognize him to be the man you fell in love with and married.

 

 

And now you know he really wasn't your best friend.

 

 

So get him out of your system.

 

 

It takes time. You now have all the time in the world to get it right. Treat that time like the gift that it is.

 

 

ANd hopefully in a few months when the divorce dust settles you will smile again at one of those small accomplishments you completed on your own.

 

 

You will think to yourself "F him" and then you will laugh to yourself.

 

 

Repeat that feeling everyday until you no longer think of him.

 

 

And then you will know you are ready to start again.

 

 

Keep moving forward. You will be great!

 

 

HM

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you so much for your responses.

 

The separation agreement is almost signed. I had a breakdown in my lawyer's office going over it. One of my terms is that he be responsible for paying for and filing for the divorce as soon as possible....and he will. I'm not looking forward to that day.

 

He didn't even want to try. He wanted me out of his life so he could be with her. He loves her, not me. He cares about her, not me. I need to let go but I'm struggling.

 

Therapy is helping, I'm trying to redirect my focus to myself rather than constantly thinking about him, about them and what they're doing, where they go and what are they saying to each other. Is he different with her? Is he really happy? Judging by the pictures I've seen he seems to be. I have to stop hurting myself. I feel like I've lost my worth. I feel like a piece of trash because that's exactly how he treated me. Disposable.

 

Tomorrow is going to be another difficult day. I'm going in to be tested for STD's. I haven't been able to bring myself to do this until now. I don't know for sure that they used condoms every time.

 

I hope the weight of his actions and his words, the pain he inflicted on me crashes down on him. He's an incredibly selfish, heartless human being. I just wish he was honest with me.

[MJJean]

It just takes time. It's a matter of making small changes as you are able to and watching them add up to a whole new life.

 

I was thrilled to get divorced. I loathed my ex. I remember being ticked off to no end that he was remarried with two new kids after refusing to be responsible for the kids from his marriage to me. I remember being furious that he was working and taking care of those kids and that woman when he'd totally bailed on my kids.

 

Then I talked to his mom and my oldest daughter. Turns out, the happy life I was imagining didn't exist.

 

My ex was living in an apartment he was getting kicked out of because the level of filth violated his lease and he'd had so many filth violations management evicted him.

 

He hadn't worked in a few years and was living off his mom.

 

He had gotten into two car accidents and totaled two vehicles his parents let him use. One of the accidents resulted in serious shoulder and arm damage, surgery, pins, rehab, etc.

 

He just turned 43 and has zero of his natural teeth left.

 

He has lost custody of his son with wife #2 to his mother and the state is in process of investigating he and wife #2 for neglect and drug use in order to remove the other kid. (Wife #2 failed 2 drug tests and refuses to go to parenting classes.)

 

And, the kicker, he's cheating on wife #2 and she is cheating on him.

 

Judging by Facebook, however, his life is perfect and he's father of the year.

[thekarmacist]

if you think miss thing is going to get better treatment than you did, think again. when the excitement of the bedroom love wears off, he'll be sniffing around somebody new and he will treat her poorly. the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. he is not going to change. you aren't defective or less than. HE is. this is his character - weak, blaming, abusive, and a cheat.

 

hang in there. we're here for you.

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you everyone for your words of support and encouragement. They mean more to me than you'll ever know.

 

The pain is heavy today. I desperately miss the man I married, my best friend. I miss being in his arms, his smell, his presence, our connection. I feel incredibly sad and alone. He's constantly on my mind. I want our life back and I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it's not going to happen. I have to let go but I don't know if I can.

 

I haven't heard from him. He's moved on and completely cut me out of his life. He's building a life with her now. I wonder if he thinks about me, our life together and whether he regrets what he's done. I would have never given up on him. He gave up on me, he didn't even want to try.

 

All of my dreams of having a family, growing old with my best friend are crushed. He has all the time in the world to have a family and my time is running out. He has taken my life and my dreams and basically given them to her. She will have his children and have the life I always dreamed of with the only man I have ever loved, a man I have loved for half my life.

 

Despite everything he has done to me, I love him with all of my heart and miss him so much it hurts. He doesn't give me a single thought.

 

The separation papers are almost signed, the divorce papers will soon follow. Then, that's it. The End. Just like that. I'm heartbroken. This is not what I wanted. I'm scared. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm trying to hold on to my faith, waiting for the day when I find out why things have worked out the way the have. There must be a reason.

 

I have read all of your suggestions and I now I need to put them into practice! I just can't seem to do that right now. I'm frustrated with myself, I feel a sense of urgency yet fear about moving on, holding on to this pain keeps me connected to him somehow.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[carhill]

Thanks for the update. I noticed you mentioned therapy and participation. A couple tips from my experiences:

 

1. You can direct therapy from session to session. If there's an issue on your mind, you can direct the therapist to work that issue. It can be a small one or a big one, or one totally off-track from the last session. You're the boss. It's your life.

 

2. Pick something each day, succeed at it, then call that your success for the day. If other issues arise, that's OK. You succeeded. Focus on the day. Each day. Tomorrow will get here tomorrow. Today we have today.

 

If your D goes smoothly and uneventfully, congratulations. You're a success. Ours took over 18 months. I think I stopped counting at 500 days of success

[chew123]

Heavyheart,

 

It will get better for you. Though I am lonely at times(not very often) I am pretty happy. And I was discarded after 35 years with my (best friend).

 

She is still with her AP and starting her new life. I am 11 months out from DDAY and divorced since march.

 

I still have a decent amount of contact with her but it does not really hurt anymore. Have not seen the AP in person but he is a significant downgrade in my opinion. However, I have told all my friends I don't want to hear about her life. Whether or not she is living a great life with AP really does not impact my happiness(or should not). Thats where we need to get to. Just go out and live your life and don't pay attention to how his is going. He no longer matters.

 

You will get through this.

[HeavyHeart15]

Thanks again everyone for your support.

 

I'm still struggling but feel like I'm getting a little stronger as time goes on. I'm not looking forward to receiving those divorce papers but I know I'm going to be ok even though I don't see that right now.

 

He's been with the other woman since I left, it must be love. Maybe she's a better fit for him than I ever was. Why wasn't I worth fighting for, how was it so easy for him to toss me aside as if I never mattered. I was just in the way. He's happy. Happy without me. She will no doubt move in to the home I lived in for the last 10 years surrounded by my things which she will probably just toss in the trash.

 

How did you finally come to a place of acceptance or indifference? How were you finally able to let go.

 

I have to let go and shift my focus on to ME. Please help!!

Edited September 12, 2015 by HeavyHeart15